Wow! She was really getting negative on herself, and although I tried to talk some sense into her, I did understand where she was coming from. I, too, struggled with the stigma of divorce. I didn't like feeling like I had failed at my marriage. I hated the fact that I was just another statistic in the divorce archives. I felt like my marriage deserved to be more special than that - but in the end, it wasn't.

Yes, perhaps our marriages did fail. We are now divorced. We are a statistic. But, that doesn't mean we are failures - at all. In fact, it is what we do with that failure that ultimately determines what we gain from that experience. I argue that failing, and not learning anything from it, is a failure on your part. I would argue that failing, and learning every lesson you can from it so that you don't fail again next time, is the ultimate show of tenacity, perseverance and success.

Own it

Your divorce is part of your story. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Don't shy away from it, or from sharing that fact with others. A friend of mine has a young daughter who hated her red curly hair and freckles. Early on, my friend encouraged her daughter to own it. She said, you can let people see that these things get to you, and others will feel that and react to it as well, or you can own it and make it a valuable part of who you are that you fully embrace. People will feel your confidence. What a difference that positive approach has made for this girl.

Own your divorce, don't try to shy away from the fact that you have been through the divorce process. I have often found that once I share the fact that I am divorced, others with whom I am speaking will jump in and add, "Me too!"� and appear almost relieved that they can share that fact openly without any judgments being made.

Learn from it

A failure is only a failure if you keep on doing the same things, and never look at that failure as an opportunity to learn about yourself, and change things up a bit. Don't let your divorce lead you down a dead-end street where you feel stuck with no place to go. Instead, let your divorce become a detour. I have found some of the most interesting finds (views, restaurants, cute shops) when I have been forced to take a detour while driving. Apply that to your life as well. Make your detour an opportunity to learn something new, find someone new, become a new you.

Redirect it

What a shame if you go through something as painful as a divorce and don't take advantage of that opportunity to reflect back on what you might do differently or do better next time. And, if given the opportunity for a do-over or a second chance, how fun to be able to implement those things on which you reflected. I know I am doing things differently with my second chance and this has proven to be the most amazing detour. Redirect your own perception. Instead of crying, "Life will never be good again,"� say, "I can't wait to see what Life 2.0 brings me."� Instead of lamenting, "I will never be happy again,"� ask, "What can I do, or where can I go, or what can I learn that will bring me joy?"� Instead of letting adversity bring you down, use that experience to raise you up. Change your perception from one of dead-end to one of opportunity and see what life brings you.

Richard Branson said, "Do not be embarrassed by your failures, learn from them and start again."� What have you learned from your divorce? More importantly, have you started again? There IS hope after divorce. It's not a failure. It's an experience in your unique story. Own it!

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I didn't have a whole lot of sympathy for her situation, and merely suggested, "If you are always fishing in the same pond, you are always going to be catching the same fish."� Period. End of story.

She chuckled as she clearly knew what I meant, but I'm not sure she was inspired to go find any new ponds in which to fish. She is comfortable in her current pond. She knows what to expect out of them. They are predictable and safe. Going to find new ponds might take her outside of her comfort zone. It might require a bit of planning. It may induce a bit of anxiety. It could even be uncomfortable the first time she visits another pond. For many people, it's human nature to avoid making ourselves uncomfortable and pushing outside of our comfort zones.

No one said fishing in new ponds was going to be easy. No one said it was going to be worthwhile. Who knows!? Some ponds may not be stocked with the kind of fish she wants; others will be full of great fish! The challenge is that she will never know which situation she will encounter if she doesn't at least try fishing in a new pond. The old adage, "nothing ventured, nothing gained,"� makes all the sense in the world in this case.

Find a new pond

She became more intrigued by my pond analogies, and asked me how one would go about fishing in a new pond. Great question. I suggested that instead of always fishing in the work pond, or the Friday-night bar-scene pond, that perhaps she might want to switch it up and also fish in the volunteer at the animal shelter pond or the local community college digital photography course pond every now and then.

Great dates aren't just going to show up on your front porch. Admit it, if someone just showed up on your porch and said he was there to take you out to dinner and to play golf, you would slam the door shut and call him a creeper. You have to be visible to let people know you are available. You have to be out there meeting people - and meeting new people - to stand a chance of catching new fish.

I'm hoping the fish and pond analogy works because when I suggested to my friend a few months ago - albeit much more directly - that she step out of her normal routine, that she switch things up a bit, and that she get involved in some new activities, she bluntly told me that she was far too busy to add anything else to her plate. OK. She can be too busy doing what's not working for her, or try something new. She didn't see it that way.

I'm hoping the pond and fish analogy might have done the trick. Only time will tell.

What about you? Can you share your stories of when you switched ponds and found the fish you were seeking?

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1. Recognize who we celebrate

Mother's Day is about celebrating you - the mother. The intent of the celebration holds no caveats about whether you are a single mom, or a married mom or even a mom in the midst of divorce. Marital status has nothing to do with it. You are allowed to be celebrated and thanked for all you do for your children. No guilt. This is your day!

2. Manage your expectations

If the kids' dad is no longer in the picture, and he used to be the one to remind them about Mother's Day, and take them shopping to buy you a special card and gift, accept the reality: that probably isn't going to happen this year. Instead, realign your expectations and create new ways to help prepare your kids for Mother's Day. Your kids don't want to feel like they missed Mother's Day, just as much as you don't want to miss being celebrated for all that you do. Don't think twice about it.

Depending on their ages, you may want to:

• Give your kids a few dollars, and let them pick out a special card at the store

• Buy groceries to allow them to fix you a special dinner

• Teach them how to give you a nice back massage

Do this as much for them, as for you. Set a new routine.

3. Realign your role as mom

It's easy to get off track in terms of being a really great role-model of a mom for your kids due to the chaos of divorce and the stress of being a single mom. Take this day to reflect and perhaps realign your behavior so that you are being the role-model you want to be. Are you showing your kids a positive outlook or are you allowing negative emotions to get the best of you? Take inventory. Are you being the kind of mom you want your kids to celebrate? This is a great day to set a new course, if needed.

At the end of the day, you will still be mom, and still be responsible for all that being a mom entails. This is true of the day we celebrate Mother's Day this year, and every other one of the 365 days in this year. I wish you a happy Mother's Day this day, and every other day. Keep up the great work!

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Richard Gere said, "I don't think that bravery is about skin. Bravery is about a willingness to show emotional need."�

Show and confront emotion

I like what Richard Gere said. Let's talk about bravery in the context of divorce. I spoke with a group of caregivers. Many of the people they support are going through a divorce, and we had a great discussion about the absolute need to show emotion, and to confront those emotions, when going through a divorce.

The question was this: How do we help the people we are giving care to when they refuse to show any emotions? Our sense is that they are ignoring their emotions, and trying to be brave but something feels amiss.

Emotion is not weakness

People who push all emotions aside, and who show bravery in terms of just getting through things without honestly addressing certain emotions are doing themselves a disservice. Showing emotion is not a crutch. It's not a weakness. It's not a sign that you aren't a strong person. In fact, I would argue that the opposite is true.

Our conversation centered around the need for people going through a divorce to be brave enough to confront all those feelings of rejection, and anger, and pain, and sorrow, and mourning, for what they really are - true feelings that need to be dealt with. I have often said that if feelings are 'brushed under the rug' and not dealt with head-on that they will resurface as unfinished business in the future. Who wants to deal with unfinished emotions related to a divorce years or decades after the divorce is over? Not me!

Let yourself feel

Richard Gere is onto something. He said that bravery is about a willingness to show that emotional need. It's about letting those walls of defense come down a bit, and allowing yourself to feel the full range of emotions, as painful as they may be, so that you are able to deal with them fully and completely, and more importantly, to heal from them, and move on without any lingering baggage.

The group and I talked about the fine balance between someone who becomes a basket-case, unable to function because they can't stop the barrage of emotions from controlling their every move, to those who become robots, completely devoid and detached from all emotion.

There is a middle line, which I advocate, where people need to try and land. Clear those emotions. Let them come through, but don't let them control your life for too terribly long. Deal with them. Address them. Let them heal you. Just make sure that at the end of the day, you are making forward progress with your emotions, and that they aren't constantly pulling you under. I recall feeling like I would take two steps forward, and then one step backwards, but at least I was ultimately making forward progress.

Everyone has a different time line

The other important discussion we had was that the timing to deal with these emotions will be different for everyone. There is no rule - people go through change at their own unique and individual pace.

My rule for emotional healing

As long as you are being brave, and showing emotions, you need to continue to move forward in your healing. That may take you a month, a year, or a decade, but at least have forward momentum. Staying stagnant or being sucked backwards is not a healthy option.

Divorce is not fun. The feelings it brings up aren't fun. Anger. Animosity. Hatred. Rejection. Fear. Guilt. Loneliness. Grief. Sometimes it does feel easier to just pretend that all of these feelings don't exist. It's easier to push them down and ignore them. They will resurface at some point. They will come back to haunt you. And, like I said earlier, who wants to deal with these emotions again? Isn't once enough?

What do you think? How were you brave and how did you deal with the emotions that accompany divorce?

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When I ask people going through a divorce what they might do differently next time, the first response I normally get is, "Not marry him (or her) in the first place!"� Humor is good. Divorce is such a stressful, sad time, that a little laughter goes a long way and is so good for the soul. It reduces anxiety and stress. But, underlying that question is a serious request for which I am seeking an honest answer.

Mahatma Gandhi

said, "It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one's acts."�

So often we hear the term accountable when it comes to the other person in our divorce. We hear, "He must be held accountable for his affair,"� or "She needs to be held accountable for drinking too much."� What about our own personal accountability?

It is much easier to place blame on others, and say that all of the accountability lies with them. I get that. Trust me, I do. But, we also owe it to ourselves to turn that mirror around and find out what piece of personal accountability we each own.

Introspection

I have often said that if you go through a divorce, even if you didn't do anything wrong (that's loosely defined), you still owe it to yourself to become introspective and ask what you might have done differently. If we don't ask this question of ourselves, how are we going to become even better as individuals, even better in other personal relationships, and even better in any future romantic relationships, marriages or partnerships? What can we learn about what we went through that will make us a better person as we move on in life?

For some people, that introspection will result in a realization that they didn't give priority to their spouse. It might be a realization that everyone else came first (work, the kids, the parents, the friends, the hobbies ... always expecting that the spouse would wait patiently).

It might be an awareness that you stopped letting little things that were cute when you were first married remain little things, and instead allowed that to become big items which led to rolling of the eyes, incessant nagging, and fights.

It might be an understanding that you grew tired of being the one who was always trying and that you ultimately just gave up and stopped expending the energy and the oxygen that your marriage needed to survive.

It could be that you quit taking care of yourself, that you quit trying to be healthy, that you quit trying to impress your spouse like you did when you were first dating or first married, and just expected them to understand.

Inventory

My request today is to challenge each of us to question our own actions and find out what we are responsible for and what we can hold ourselves personally accountable for. You don't have to share this with others; just be sure to be honest with yourself about what you might have done differently or what you will be sure to do differently going forward.

I'm not saying this is easy to do. In fact, it can be quite difficult to do, especially if you don't feel you had any blame in your divorce. I hear people say, "I wasn't the one who cheated. I wasn't the one who squandered all of our money. I wasn't the one who decided I didn't want kids. I wasn't the one who changed."� Then they say, "So I'm not accountable in any way, shape or form for my divorce."� Maybe - and maybe not.

Progress

I argue, we can all learn a thing or two about who we are, what makes us tick, and what role we might have played in being part of a failing marriage. Accountability isn't about personal blame or about tearing ourselves apart. It is about taking a life experience and learning from it. If you don't learn from your own mistakes, you will keep making them. Turning that mirror around and discovering your own personal accountability is only part of it. It answers the who and the what; you still need to ask yourself, so what? So what now? So what will I do differently? So what have I learned about myself?

Personal growth comes from turning that mirror around, taking a deep look at yourself, accepting what you see at face value, and then doing something differently with that learning.

What do you think? What might you do differently next time? What is your, so what?

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