Rob Harter – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com Here today, better tomorrow. Fri, 11 Dec 2015 06:30:00 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=5.8.3 https://wp-media.familytoday.com/2020/03/favicon.ico Rob Harter – FamilyToday https://www.familytoday.com 32 32 4 subtle ways you are tearing your marriage apart (and how to prevent it) https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/4-subtle-ways-you-are-tearing-your-marriage-apart-and-how-to-prevent-it/ Fri, 11 Dec 2015 06:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/4-subtle-ways-you-are-tearing-your-marriage-apart-and-how-to-prevent-it/ Every day, subtle things are slowly eroding marriages. And quite often we are not even aware of them.

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Every day, you and I do little things, subtle things, that could be slowly eroding our marriages. Quite often we are not even aware of them.

Here are four ways to overcome them:

1. Analyze our connection status

It seems that we cannot go anywhere without our technological devices, be it our smartphones, iPads or laptop computers. According to a new report from Nielsen, "The average American adult spends 11 hours per day with electronic media. That includes the age-old activities of watching TV and listening to the radio." Couple this with the explosion of social media and people are connected like no other time in history, in a near constant state of readiness to connect, email, text or Skype. Studies have shown that users spend more than 700 billion minutes per month on Facebook. How we connect and communicate with one another has been forever altered because of the impact of social media. However, is this hyperconnectedness good for us? Are we unknowingly ignoring our spouse while connecting with the world?

One way to find out is to compare the number of hours in a given week we spend connecting on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram vs. the direct, eye-to-eye conversation we have with our spouse. Out of balance? Adjust accordingly.

2. Throw away the scorecard

We all make mistakes, and we all love second chances. Why is it then that we find ourselves holding on to a scorecard in our heads, detailing all of our spouse's past mistakes? When we hold grudges and refuse to forgive our spouse, in the long run, we end up harming ourselves more than the initial hurt caused. As Dr. Judith Orloff pointed out to Psychology Today, "Forgiveness does more for you than anyone else because it liberates you from negativity and lets you move forward."

3. Focus on what our spouse is doing right

Too often we go into marriage with the idea that we are going to change our spouses. This is not always obvious. Most of the time, we unconsciously drop subtle hints that our spouse is not quite good enough, or not measuring up to our standards. We obsess over what our spouse is doing wrong and overlook what he or she is doing right. Over time, this can make our spouse feel not only discouraged, but also very vulnerable to anyone who gives him or her positive affirmation in whatever form. Research has shown that there is a direct correlation between a positive work environment and productivity. According to professor Neil Frude, "There is a strong relationship between employee happiness and a workforce that is productive, creative and flourishing." If positivity is this critical to the success of our work experience, how much more is creating a positive, encouraging environment essential to our marriages?

4. Walk a mile in your spouse's moccasins

None of us have to teach our children how to say the four-letter word "mine." It comes naturally. One of the most difficult things to do in a marriage is to move beyond our natural self-centeredness and boldly go into the world of other-centeredness. Seeing the world and our marriage through the eyes of our spouse can provide the needed perspective to view our behavior and habits differently and motivate us to change. As author Mary T. Lathrap said, "We will be known forever by the tracks we leave in other people's lives, our kindnesses and generosity. Take the time to walk a mile in his moccasins." Perhaps it is time to walk a mile in your spouse's.

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The 4 types of women in the Bible that your momma warned you about https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/the-4-types-of-women-in-the-bible-that-your-momma-warned-you-about/ Sat, 21 Mar 2015 10:40:10 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/the-4-types-of-women-in-the-bible-that-your-momma-warned-you-about/ If you want to stay out of trouble, you better avoid these ladies.

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We've all heard the phrase "I'm the one your momma warned you about", and I think every one of us can think of a person who fits that description perfectly. With the explosion of online dating options and relationship services, where can you go today for good relationship advice? Would it shock you if I said the Bible?

It may come as a surprise to many that the Good Book actually contains relationship insights and advice about the types of women you should avoid.

Unconvinced? Let's look at five women who would qualify for your momma's list.

1. Delilah

Samson's love interest, who after repeated badgering and manipulation, finally discovered Samson's secret. Once she knew it, Delilah cut off his hair, which led to Samson's capture and eventual downfall.

2. Jezebel

Ahab's wife could probably be described as a modern-day Maleficent meets Catwoman. Among many negative and dysfunctional behaviors, Jezebel killed and destroyed anyone who got in her way, including arranging Naboth's death so she could confiscate his vineyard.

3. Lot's wife

After she was commanded to flee Sodom and Gomorrah, God warned Lot's wife to never look back nor stop during her flight. Unfortunately, she did not heed that advice. Lot's wife stopped to look back and turned into a pillar of salt.

4. Potiphar's wife

Even though she was married, Potiphar's wife obsessed over a young servant named Joseph. Her infatuation passed the tipping point when she tried to force Joseph to sleep with her. Joseph narrowly escaped this encounter with only his underclothing intact.

So what can we learn from these four seemingly irrelevant and distant women for today's relationship complexities? At the risk of being overly simplistic with these layered and complex stories, there are a few underlying principles in each one that reveal critically important aspects to healthy relationships.

Pursue the building of trust in your relationships

One of the primary underlying themes of Samson and Delilah's brief relationship is a lack of trust. Samson continually lies to Delilah while Delilah continually seeks to pry Samson's secret out of him for her own gain. Neither of them trusted the other.

This story underscores a critical principle in healthy relationships: trust. Trust in a relationship is an absolutely essential. Without trust, your relationship is constantly in flux and unstable.

Seek someone who shares your core values

Ironically, even though Ahab was corrupt, he humbled himself when confronted about his actions and shows outward signs of remorse. However, while it appears that Ahab temporarily feels remorse for his actions, Jezebel feels no remorse for hers.

Healthy relationships are characterized by sharing the same core values. It is important to understand your own core values as well as your significant other's values. A relationship is difficult enough when two people actually share core values; when they do not, it becomes infinitely more difficult.

Make peace with your past and move on

While it is not clear why Lot's wife stopped and turned back toward her former home, it is clear that the consequences had lasting implications.

When it comes to our relationships, we all bring baggage. It's human nature to look back at our past, in particular our past mistakes. If we fixate on the past, we allow our past to negatively impact our present and future relationships.

The question is not if, but how your past baggage will impact your current and future relationships. Proactively seek to understand what your particular baggage is and why you carry it with you. A professional counselor can prove immensely helpful. In the process, seek to make peace with your past so that you can move forward in your relationships instead of living life in the rearview mirror.

Strive for a balanced relationship

Potiphar's wife was unhappy in her marriage and simultaneously attracted to another man, which led her to inappropriate desire to be physically intimate with Joseph. The Bible teaches that human beings have been made in God's image, which includes three dimensions: physical, emotional and spiritual.

God designed intimacy as a wonderful gift that incorporates all three dimensions of one's identity and is to be enjoyed within a committed, marriage relationship.

Because physical intimacy is not the only aspect of a healthy relationship, seek a partner who shares your commitment to balancing all three aspects of a healthy relationship: physical, emotional and spiritual.

To find out more surprising relationship advice check out your nearest Bible and tune into "A.D. The Bible Continues."

#ADTheSeries premieres Easter Sunday, April 5 at 9/8c on NBC.

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Stop knocking yourself out: Tips for getting your marriage out of the boxing ring https://www.familytoday.com/relationships/stop-knocking-yourself-out-tips-for-getting-your-marriage-out-of-the-boxing-ring/ Sat, 08 Feb 2014 19:30:00 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/stop-knocking-yourself-out-tips-for-getting-your-marriage-out-of-the-boxing-ring/ Every marriage has conflict. Every couple can resolve their conflict. The key is to have the right attitude toward conflict.…

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"Marriage is made in heaven - but so is thunder and lightning," said Clint Eastwood. The fact is, when it comes to marriage, all couples "fight." Even Dirty Harry agrees that all couples have conflict. In fact, the only couples who do not have conflict are those who are either deceased or in a relationship in which one partner has so beaten down the other partner, that other partner has given up. Ironically, conflict is not the sign of death for a relationship; cold indifference is. Where there is conflict, there is life in a relationship, no matter how small that spark may be.

So the question is not how you can avoid or suppress conflict in your marriage, the question is how you can turn conflict in your marriage into a catalyst for couple growth and relational strength.

Author Gary Chapman says in his book, "Everybody Wins," the key is to learn how to turn one's "differences into assets rather than liabilities." This starts by having the right attitude. The right attitude consists of having a "conflict resolver" mentality which is motivated by the belief that one's marriage conflict can be resolved in a way that both spouses benefit. In the marriages where couples have this mentality, both spouses can win. Here are some other tips on how to fight fair and win.

Chapman shares three attitudes that characterize a "conflict resolver" mentality.

  1. The first is to have an attitude of respect. This means each spouse is genuinely able to treat the other as a person of worth. Recognizing each other as having equal worth and treating each other with respect brings the walls of suspicion, hurt and defensiveness down.

  2. Second, is to demonstrate an attitude of togetherness, by working as a team rather than opponents in regard to your conflicts. The seemingly simple act of acknowledging and verbalizing that your spouse is not the enemy but a teammate with whom together you can solve your conflict, can unlock the door to conflict resolution.

  3. Finally, displaying an attitude of love that is expressed by seeking to enrich your spouse's life can be life changing in a relationship. True love by nature is others-centered. True love is seeking the best interest of your spouse.

Powerful words expressed in the Bible confirm the importance of showing this kind of others-centered love when it says "clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience... over all these virtues put on love." (From the book of Colossians chapter 3 verse 12 and 14, NIV version). While one's euphoric feelings of being in love have an average life span of two years, according to author Dorothy Tennov, every day we can choose to love our spouse through our actions. The choice to love is a daily decision for as long as we live, and time doesn't dissipate this choice.

It has been said that there are about the same amount of lightning strikes in the Cascades Mountains of Washington compared to the Rocky Mountains of Colorado. However, there are much fewer fires in Washington than Colorado because of one thing: rain. In the same way, the "lightning strikes" of conflict in our marriage do not have to turn into fires when the "rain" of love is present. Both partners can win in a marriage where true love is genuinely demonstrated.

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5 ways to stay connected in our digitally-distracted age https://www.familytoday.com/self-care/5-ways-to-stay-connected-in-our-digitally-distracted-age/ Sun, 21 Apr 2013 08:33:17 +0000 http://www.famifi.com/oc/5-ways-to-stay-connected-in-our-digitally-distracted-age/ We are connected to more people in more ways than ever before. But is the quality of our relationships better…

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A far cry from the days of Timothy Leary and his maxim "turn on, tune in, and drop out," today's counterculture is not dropping out, but is logging in more now than ever. Ironically, a different child of the 60's was one of the primary driving forces that advanced this global trend. While Steve Jobs passed away in 2011, his impact continues to be as unparalleled as it is ubiquitous. Through his cutting-edge digital creations at Apple, coupled with the explosion of the Internet and other digital technological advances, the world has never been the same and we are "connected" as no other time in history. But are we better off in our relationships?

The sheer explosion of the digital revolution has made author Thomas Friedman Nostradamus-like when he predicted the world would become increasingly "flat."

Not only has our world become "flat," it has become "hyper-connected." We cannot go anywhere without our digital devices, be it our smart phones, our computers, or other digital devices. In fact, it seems we are increasingly in a constant state of readiness to connect, do face-time, email, text or play one of a million addictive digital games. However, while the quantity,speed and reach of our ability to connect in the community continue to increase at a dizzying pace, the "quality" of our connection with each other is diminishing.

Dr. Edward Hallowell, former Harvard faculty member and author of the book "Crazy Busy," has concluded, "What we're seeing, we've never seen in human history before. It's just the extraordinary availability and magnetism of electronic communication devices" It can feel at times that our technology is managing us and not the other way around." At the risk of sounding like a Luddite, in light of this growing evidence, perhaps we need to take a deeper look at the full impact of our always-connected state.

How can we stay relationally connected in our hyper-connected, digitally-distracted age? Here are five practical ways we can do this.

1.

Do an eye contact check

The next time you are talking with your friend, spouse, or co-worker, be self-aware enough to determine if you are looking directly into their eyes, or looking down at your smart phone while quasi-listening? Maintain eye contact and watch your conversations improve.

2.

Set it down, walk away

Physically set your smart phone, computer, iPad or other said digital device down, put it away, and literally walk away from it at least 3 times a day.

3.

Choose a time to unplug

Set an alarm at a pre-determined time every day that signals an exact time when you unplug and detach from the digital world. This means you are no longer available through your digital devices for the rest of that day or night.

4.

Ask for accountability

Invite your spouse, friend or roommate to keep you accountable in setting a pre-determined time to unplug and detach from your digital world.

5.

Start with Facebook

: Facebook has over 800 million active users. This means one in every nine people on Earth is on Facebook. Facebook users spend an average of 15 hours and 33 minutes a month on the site. If you reduce your time on Facebook by 10 percent this month, you have just created 1.5 more hours to invest into your face-to-face friendships.

Instead of allowing your digital world to control you, take control of your relationships by fully engaging yourself in undistracted, non-digital connecting time with your family and friends. When it comes to your relationships, perhaps it is time to tune in and log off.

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