Find Your New Normal

After our first child was born, my husband and I kept waiting for life to return to "normal." Eventually though, we realized that having a baby had not only turned our world upside down, but this new reality was here to stay. When we got married, we had to transition from being single to being newlyweds. While different than the way we'd lived previously, we embraced being married and all the joy it has brought to our lives--the same became true with becoming new parents. Rather than spend time waiting for old lives to return, it became important to embrace the new life we were living.

Once we accepted that this was not a stage, but rather our "new normal," we felt excited at the idea of getting to recreate what a day, week and month would look like. We created new schedules for house care, meals and activities and before long, felt like we were in a new routine with all sorts of new experiences. Sleepless nights were soon offset by first smiles, chubby thighs and big, bright eyes.

And rest assured, the things you loved before you had children will find a spot in your new life again soon. But this time, imagine getting to show a new, little life some of your favorite hobbies, travel destinations and foods! Trust me when I say they all become just a little bit sweeter when you have an additional person to share them with.

Ride the Emotional Roller-Coaster

I remember thinking all throughout my pregnancy that the moment I saw my child for the first time, I'd be overwhelmed with all the love my body could muster. What I didn't realize at the time though, was just how much labor and delivery would take out of my body. While for some, holding that new baby and celebrating their new family may come immediately, for others, it may take a few days or weeks for bodies and minds to recover the physical and emotional stress of bringing a child into the world.

Whatever situation you find yourself, know there are plenty of others experiencing the same thing! You. Are. Okay. You. Are. Normal.

The emotional roller coaster that comes with becoming a new parent can only be exacerbated by expectations you and societal norms try and place on your life. Instead of focusing on how you and others think you should feel and act, choose to ride the emotional roller coaster for what it is: just another experience that comes bundled with your bundle of joy and new stage of life. Choose to go with the emotional flow and recognize that things will settle, bonding will come and life will normalize.

However, if a new mommy is showing any signs of postpartum depression, seek medical help as soon as possible. This is far too frequent and resources are available to help.

Dodge the Nosy Well-Wishers

Remember those people who rubbed your pregnant belly without asking? They multiply once you have the baby. Prepare yourself for unwelcome (and sometimes uncomfortable) questions about feeding choices, sleep schedules and child care plans from others all-too-willing to offer their opinions.

My advice to you is this:

Parenting is a trial-and-error process. As long as your baby is loved, cared for and safe, you're doing a great job. Remember, you're brand-new at this, but also, every baby is different. Feel free to take advice that feels right and simply dodge the rest. You will have people telling you how to parent your child for the rest of your life. Choosing early to smile, nod and move ignore what doesn't feel right is a skill well worth developing. Only you are uniquely qualified to parent your child. So trust your instincts (and, of course, the advice of your pediatrician!)

Lower your Expectations

I am a type-A, overly scheduled neat-freak and I drove myself nuts trying to keep up with everything after having my first baby. I had met so many new parents who had messy houses and looked barely put together themselves and simply thought "that won't be me!" As I talked about in the section about your new normal, nothing will throw off your routine faster than adding newborn care into it. Those precious little people know nothing of clean dishes or bed times. Instead of driving yourself to break the mold and be the exception, embrace the reality of the situation and confidently wear that new stain on your shirt with pride. You are nurturing a new life--something you've never done before. Don't try to run at your pre-baby pace during the first postpartum weeks.

If you're like me and still need to have some semblance of schedule and put-togetherness, then consider making a new schedule and setting expectations after the first few weeks at home, instead of while you're pregnant. Spend time with your new family in your new reality. Get a feel for what is possible and what isn't, then re-establish a routine from there. You'll be glad you did.

Take Care of Yourself and Accept Help

Among the myriad of unsolicited advice, you'll receive sincere offers for help--please don't turn those down.

I know all-too-well the desire to be a strong, independent person and prove to the world I can do anything. However, allowing others to lend a hand has benefits that far outweigh a little misguided self-pride.

If you have family who would like to spend time with the newest member of their extended family, say yes! Find some time to get out of the house or just take a nap. Parenthood asks for the best we can offer and you can offer so much more when you've had time to take care of yourself. Don't feel guilty for accepting help. It takes a village to raise a child properly, so put yours into motion.

As you establish a new normal for your new family, make sure to find time for self-care as well. Whether that is daily meditation or spiritual rituals, napping/sleeping or just sitting in a hot bath, taking time to recharge and refill your energy and patience is a gift you can give to your newborn.

If you're feeling isolated, reach out to friends. Going from a job to maternity or paternity leave is a big transition. Every parent needs adult interaction from time to time.

It's Just a Phase

The last, and most important, thing to remember is that nothing lasts forever. Mixing up days and nights, growth spurts and diaper rashes all go away eventually. As a new parent, it's easy to think that the bad stuff will last forever, but babies change and grow up so fast, you'll one day look back and wish you could be back in those moments again.

So slow down and enjoy every snuggle and every smile. Breathe in that new baby smell and take a one more picture than you think you should. Trust yourself and cut yourself some slack. You will be an amazing parent.

The post Real advice for new parents appeared first on FamilyToday.

1. Find the perfect teacher

While it's tempting to go with the closest of the cheapest option for a teacher, your child's music instructor is about to become a huge part of your child's life. The relationship between a student and a teacher lasts for years, sometimes even decades, and that person is partly responsible for teaching your child responsibility and the value of hard work. This is not a time where you can skip the due diligence.

Find a teacher who's great with kids. Remember that not all great musicians are great teachers, and look for someone who can balance teaching technique with using developmentally appropriate methods. On the practical side, you also need someone who is consistent, reliable and organized. Get multiple recommendations from friends and ask for a trial lesson to decide if the personalities are compatible.

2. Gather materials

Obviously, you'll need an instrument for your child to play. Once again, this is not the area where you should scrimp. A huge part of learning an instrument is learning about proper tone, and your child won't have success with a sub-par instrument. That doesn't mean you have to go out and buy the most expensive instrument available, and it also doesn't mean your child can't study music if you have a modest income. Rather, have your teacher help you choose the best option in your price range.

Whatever you do, don't rely on the salespeople at the music store to find you a good deal. Many of them work on commission, and you need an impartial person on your side. Get instrument recommendations from your child's teacher or a professional performer on that instrument. They often have the best connection for finding deals.

You'll also need all the accessories and books necessary to start lessons. Get a detailed list from your student's teacher before the first day. If you come to your first lesson without books, it's a waste of the teacher's time and your money.

3. Build up some excitement

Starting an instrument is hard, and many kids quit within the first six months. Kids need some inspiration to get them through that hard first year. If you haven't already, buy some CDs that feature your child's instrument, and play them often. Make sure your child knows what good playing sounds like, and get him excited to learn.

Ideally, you should also take your kid to a live performance. There are so many awesome options for seeing a show, whether that's a professional symphony, a jazz review, a professional recital or the guitar player at a local coffee shop. Let your child see real musicians doing what they do best.

4. Have the etiquette talk

Kids need to know how to behave at lessons, especially if the lessons are happening in someone else's home. Teach your kids to remove their shoes when entering someone's house, and talk about respecting other's belongings. It's a logistical challenge welcoming 10-30 kids into your home or studio each week, so kids need coaching on how to behave respectfully.

Also, there are some music specific etiquette tips your child needs to pick up. It's rude to play an instrument while the teacher is talking or to pound on piano keys in frustration. Also, instruments always need to be treated with the utmost care. For example, teach your kids to never, ever set food or drink on a piano.

5. Pick the perfect time

Before you commit to lessons, pick a time that works for your family regularly. Music teachers make childcare and studio rental arrangements based on agreed lesson times so prepare yourself to pay for lessons you miss or cancel. Your child's teacher wants to help him learn, but this is also a business. Your teacher's livelihood depends on your consistency. Don't schedule a time that may become problematic. When it is your lesson time, come exactly on time. If you're too early, you'll disrupt a lesson in progress.

It takes some time to learn the culture of music, but you'll pick it up quickly. Most importantly, come to the teacher with any questions or concerns. Communication is the key to a great working relationship, and they are there to help.

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It's the warning to all first-time parents: life will change after you have your baby. Ubiquitous advice, but people fail to tell you what, exactly, changes. Pregnant with our first, I expected to get less sleep after delivery, but other than that, I was out of the loop. Even though having children is the oldest process in human history, the transition to parenthood doesn't come naturally. It's all about finding your new normal, and that starts by preparing yourself for these five huge changes.

1. Your body

Pregnancy does a number on a woman's body, and some of those changes stay with her for life. Just because you finally have that newborn in your arms does not mean the days of wild hormonal fluctuations are over, either. During pregnancy, it was "all about mom." Don't forget mom when the baby is born. Pregnancy and delivery are traumatic events for the body, and new moms need time to heal.

After baby, moms should expect extra skin, looser abdominal muscles, a few stretch marks and maybe even a bigger shoe size as permanent reminders of bringing life into the world. It's not all bad news, however. You'll feel a new appreciation for the female body and its amazing abilities.

2. Your marriage

Every major life change impacts your marriage, and nothing will rock your relationship more than welcoming a new baby. If you've been married for a while, you're probably well established in your spousal roles, and you have clear expectations for each other. Get ready for all that to change. Who changes dirty diapers or paces the floor at 2AM? How do you teach your kids about bullies? What are your plans for schooling?

Having kids means making a ton of relationship decisions. On top of figuring out your new romantic relationship, you now have to figure out how you and your spouse relate to each other as parents. Give it time, and keep an open dialogue.

3. Your social circle

Expect more than just your marriage relationship to change after bringing baby home. It doesn't matter if you've had the same circle of friends since junior high, having kids when some of your friends remain childless changes the entire landscape of your social life. You'll make new friends and rediscover old ones, but you may also lose friends as well.

Being friends with any parent is hard because parents' lives are not their own. No more spontaneous girls' weekends or late night hamburger runs. Being a parent decreases impulsivity, but it can also bring a new layer of intimacy to your closest friendships. Keep reaching out to friends - even when you're too tired or harried to function. Even when a new baby consumes your world, good friends are always worth keeping close.

4. Your routine

When you welcome a newborn for the first time, you'll want to grasp backward at normal. Sometimes, it feels like a race to get back to sleeping through the night and going out unencumbered, but you're better off looking for a new normal instead of fighting to fit your baby into your previous routine. Get ready for your sleep habits, work schedule and "free time" to look drastically different.

The key here is to embrace the wrench thrown into your formerly orderly life, and see the joy in the new program. Babies blow things up for a while - but in the best possible way.

5. Your heart

All those clichés are true - you will love your own child. You will find a depth of strength you never knew you had. Your heart will grow. What no one tells you, however, is that some of this growth can feel uncomfortable. Change is hard, especially huge personal change. When a child completely infiltrates your heart, it can leave you feeling vulnerable and scared.

Raising a child is scary. Bad things can happen to good kids, and you do risk losing your child to a thousand scary things. Focus on the day at hand instead of worrying about all the "what-ifs." Enjoy every day you get with your baby, and let the change happen. It's for the better.

There is nothing that compares to having kids. It turns boys and girls into men and women. Parenthood touches every aspect of your life. Let it. Go with the flow and embrace parenthood as one grand adventure waiting to happen.

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In the interest of full disclosure, my toddler is running around half-dressed and screaming for milk right now. And, I literally mean right now. Although I'm not a fan of mommy labels, I suppose it's accurate to say I'm a work-at-home mom. I write freelance, and I teach music lessons out of my home. As part of the sisterhood of moms who work at home, I have a few secrets I'd like to share. If you're thinking about working from home, start taking notes.

Expect distractions

Many of us pursue home employment as a way to supplement our family income while still raising young children. It's all great in theory, but you have to look beyond the beautifully staged "work from home" commercials. Real life as a working mom is messy - beautiful, but messy. There are always distractions, even if you try to limit your working hours to nap time and bedtime.

In theory, my husband watches the kids two afternoons a week, and we have in-home care for our three boys a third evening each week. However, no one can replace mom, especially when you know she's just behind a door. The other day, I was trying to teach violin, and my two-year old kept running away from the sitter to invade my lesson, a serious infraction that carries serious consequences in our house. Finally, on the fourth time, I hauled his little butt out of my studio only to get puked on. Turns out, he was sick. That ended my teaching for the rest of the day. Gross, disgusting, inconvenient distractions.

Know that the work day never ends

One advantage to working outside the home is having a clear cut-off for the day's work. When you leave the office, you can switch from work mode to mommy mode. If your office is inside your house, however, all hours of the day are fair game.

I have the biggest problem with not running to the computer every spare second, even when I know I need some downtime. Recently, after a particularly draining week, I desperately needed sleep, but I stayed up way too late writing up article proposals for editors and for my blog. Zombie-level exhausted the next day, I was worthless as I tried writing out any of my ideas. It's totally counter-productive, but it's nearly impossible to get away from work when you physically can't get away from your work.

You still fill two roles

As a kid who went to daycare, I got to destroy someone else's house all day while my mom worked. I'm not saying my working mom didn't have household responsibilities, but she had caregivers to prepare two of my daily meals, all of my snacks, and absorb some of the mess. This isn't to disparage moms who work outside the home - they don't have it easy either, but realize that when you work from home, you have all the demands of a job with all the mess of the kids.

As much as I would love a sparkling clean house, most days I have to pick between meeting a deadline and the dishes. Because I work 20 or more hours each week, something has to give, and I'm not sacrificing playtime, books or snuggles with my boys. Since this is a confessional, I am hereby confessing that I'm not sure when my shower was last cleaned. Oh, and we ate cereal for dinner twice last week. And, I'm not really even sure how to balance a checkbook, but if I did, I still wouldn't have time.

Should you work from home?

At this point, you might wonder why any sane mother would choose to work from home. She wouldn't. However, us crazy moms make it work. Jokes aside, I love the flexibility working from home offers. It's nice having time to see my son's baseball games, take care of my sick kids, and lounge around in yoga pants all day. I also love growing my career and feeling like I'm using my very expensive college education. It's not exactly the best of both worlds, but it's a unique arrangement that suits our family perfectly.

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My 5-year-old drama king wailed, "I can't! It's too hard! I hate this! I HATE PIANO!" He ended by throwing himself against the piano keys (headfirst), resulting in a crash loud enough to wake the dead. The kicker? This was my fourth hour that day coercing kids into playing piano.

I'm both a music teacher and a music mom, and I know it's an uphill battle getting kids to practice music with a positive attitude. I'm not going to lie - you'll always have days that end in tears (and foreheads crashing down on keys). Learning music is hard, especially for little kids, but that doesn't mean practice time has to become a daily battle of wills.

Use these few tricks (and a lot of persistence) to get your child to practice - without all the theatrics.

Pick a consistent time

When you make practice a part of your everyday routine, kids are less likely to kick back. Kids don't throw a daily fit over brushing their teeth or going to school. When you make practice time just another automatic part of the day, things run more smoothly. Many parents wait until after school to schedule practice, but if you can swing it, schedule practice before school. Kids are either more cooperative in the mornings or they're simply more sleepy, but morning practice sessions result in more consistent practice.

Whatever time you choose, treat practice time like a daily appointment. Just like you don't stand up visits to your doctor, don't stand up the piano (or violin, or clarinet). You'll meet resistance in the beginning, but once your budding musician figures out that daily practice is nonnegotiable, most days will go according to plan.

Make your presence known

If there was ever a time to hover, practice time is it. No one likes a stage parent (least of all your kids), but young musicians have a tendency to goof off when left unsupervised. Don't turn practice time into musical boot camp, but grab a good book, park yourself in a chair and stay physically present for practice, especially if your child is under 10 years old. You won't have to say a word, but your child will use her practice time more wisely when you are there.

But what about other kids and household responsibilities? We're all super busy, and attending each practice session feels daunting. Remember that, with any other extracurricular, you'd be driving your kids back and forth to practice. Musical practice happens at home. Take the time you would've spent driving, and commit to at least sitting in on 15 minutes of each practice session. If nothing else, poke your head in from time to time and offer some encouragement.

Bribery

Bribery gets such a bad reputation among parents, but it works! In an ideal world, our kids would practice out of sheer intrinsic motivation (and some teenagers will reach that point); however, kids have to build up enough skill before they'll play for pleasure. To get to that point, use all the tricks up your sleeve. Trade small candies for each time your child plays through a song. Lengthen your kid's bedtime for each minute he spends playing. Add music practice to a chore chart that leads to allowance or extra privileges.

Remember that you're asking your kid to master an extremely difficult task. You know it will pay off in the end, but all your child sees is increasingly harder material with no end in sight. Give him rewards to work toward along the way. Everyone needs a little motivation. Kids are no exception.

As a mom, I know that practicing consistently and effectively each day is no small feat. As a musician, I assure you it's worth the effort. Hang in there, and make practice fun. Your child needs your encouragement and sincere praise. He is the one taking the lessons, but remember that you're in this together.

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In a March 2015 article published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers relate that parents who globally praise their children or offer praise based on character traits instead of behavior, are more likely to raise narcissists than parents who have lower regard for their children. The study emphasizes that parents who place a high value on their kids' unique attributes praise their kids in a way that's actually harming their emotional development.

At the heart of this issue is an uncomfortable premise. We, as parents, need to accept that our kids really aren't that special. When we assume our children deserve to become celebrities, professional sports players, musical prodigies, or gifted academics, we do them a great disservice. As hard as it is to admit, most of our kids will grow up and become regular people in regular jobs living regular lives.

And that's ok.

When did normal become less-than? We treat child development as a grand experiment to produce extraordinary offsprings, so we can look impressive to others. If we're being honest, that is the disturbing reality behind many of our parenting decisions. We say we do it for our kids' benefit, which may be true, but there is no guarantee that raising a wildly successful adult will also lead to a wildly happy adult. Worldly success is not directly correlated to fulfillment, even though we treat the two terms as interchangeable.

As parents, we need to clarify our goals in child rearing. If you had to choose, would you rather a happy child or an impressive child? If you choose happy (or fulfilled, or joyful or self-satisfied), then you need to rein in the indiscriminate praise. It's not good for your child, and it's not doing him any favors.

So, does that mean we should adopt an aloof, cold demeanor with our kids? Of course, not. There is a middle ground here. We need to retrain ourselves to praise our children correctly. Instead of complimenting a child's character, we need to focus on effort and growth. For example, instead of telling your kid, "You're such a great soccer player," try, "You had a great hustle today," or, "Nice job improving your defense." We can bolster our child's healthy self-esteem without creating a narcissistic little monster.

Also, don't shy away from constructive criticism. Tweens and teens are most successful when they focus their efforts on their strong areas, whether that is an individual sport, musical instrument or academic subject. It's incredibly hard for kids to judge their strengths if they've never received criticism. Tactful criticism will not destroy your relationship with your child. Just keep it constructive and on point for the topic at hand.

If you're worried about over-valuing your child, Ohio State University has a short, two-minute questionnaire you can use to see you how relate to other parents. If you find that you place too high a value on your child's unique attributes, reevaluate your praise. After all, no amount of personal success will compensate if your child turns into an adorable little narcissist.

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The question is, how can you co-exist with your in-laws without completely losing your mind? If your crazy in-laws have become a lasting bone of contention in your otherwise happy marriage (if you're really stuck with these people forever), you're going to need a game plan.

Keep criticism to yourself

Chances are good that your spouse is also bugged by his family's idiosyncrasies, but unless the people raised you, you don't get to criticize them - even when your spouse is in full-on "rant mode." Your spouse can say whatever he wants about his own family. He's earned that right by putting up with them longer than you. Chiming in with your own grievances will only make you seem like the bad guy.

As unfair as it seems, your spouse is still probably defensive when it comes to his family, flaws and all. When you verbally attack his mother, father or siblings (no matter how justified you are), things will not end well.

Bite your tongue.

Establish boundaries

The key to surviving a difficult family situation is refusing to get sucked into the mess. As a married adult, you have your own family now, and your family always takes precedence over extended family. Anytime the in-laws try to involve you in their drama, repeat to yourself, "Not my circus, not my monkeys." Their problems are not your problems.

Keep your distance.

Work with your spouse to decide how much involvement the in-laws have in your life, and don't muddy up the waters by accepting loans from them, lending them money or involving them in childcare arrangements. The last thing you need with crazy in-laws is a feeling of debt or obligation - on your end or theirs.

Protect your kids

Above all else, don't let your spouse's dysfunctional family pass the crazy down to the next generation. As a parent, you have to protect your kids at all costs. Yes, it's good for kids to know their extended family members - but only if that family will not hurt them. If you have any doubts about the emotional or physical safety of your children around your in-laws, keep your kids away. At the very least, arrange for visits when you and your spouse will remain present the entire time.

Have a sense of humor

Lastly, and most importantly, find a way to laugh about your situation. Either you choose to spend your life angry and annoyed at your in-laws or you find a way to reframe the craziness into a grand adventure. The upside to having quirky in-laws is that life is never boring. Focus on that instead of harboring resentment.

Don't let a bad in-law relationship get you down or tamper with your marriage. You have the power to rise above it. Don't let extended family kill an otherwise great marriage.

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There's a third course of action that is often overlooked. It's entirely possible to disagree with someone without becoming disagreeable. Unfortunately, we're really bad at doing just that. You don't have to act like a jerk to get your point across, but you do have to think about these considerations.

Everyone is entitled to an informed opinion

Many of us espouse the misguided notion that, if given the same facts, all people come to the same conclusions. That's both naive and reductive. Humans come from varying backgrounds, and we all have our own personality traits that shade our view of the world. We can learn the same information and still come to wildly different conclusions from our friends and neighbors.

Outside of moral absolutes, the truth is a relative thing. If we want people to acquiesce to our way of thinking, we need to stop acting like those who disagree with us are under-educated or misinformed. Don't assume someone is ignorant of the issues simply because they don't see things your way. It's impossible to act civil and condescending at the same time.

Only informed opinions count

Before you share your view on the world, ensure you're offering an informed opinion. One of the most powerful things you can learn is how much you do not know. No matter how brilliant we think we are, each of us has blind spots and gaps in our information. Before you assert your views, check that you are speaking within your area of study.

If you want others to take you seriously, you have to take yourself seriously first. It makes little sense to debate politics on social media if you haven't watched the news in six months. Likewise, you can't tell someone how to parent their child unless you are co-parenting right along with them. Understand the limitations of your viewpoint and your points of bias. Spouting off about something you don't understand is how arguments start.

Focus on facts, not character

The second you attack someone's character, you have lost the argument. If you can't stay on point with facts and personal experiences, it's time to stay silent. It's never OK to disparage someone's good name, no matter how much you differ in your opinions. Tact is not dead, and you don't want to kill it. Besides, you can't convince someone to adopt your stance if they hate your guts. It just doesn't work that way.

Rise above personal attacks in public discourse, even online. It's tempting to say something negative about someone you can't see, but it's still not OK. Remember this important rule: never say something online that you wouldn't say face to face. Character assassination through social media is just as harmful as bullying in person.

Agree to disagree

The heart of public discourse is understanding, not winning. People are too diverse to ever agree completely on important issues, and even if they could, that would make a very boring world. Know when to step away and leave the conversation. If you push past the point of polite disagreement, you'll only make enemies, and enemies never agree, no matter how valid the arguments.

Don't avoid people who challenge your beliefs, either. Some of the best relationships are with people who help us grow. Disagreement is not a good enough reason to blacklist someone from your life. If you can't act like adults and stay civil in your interactions, maybe it's time to look at your maturity level.

Real adults know how to disagree with grace. You can stand up for yourself and your morals without sinking into arguing and name calling. Let's bring the civility back into the public sphere. There are too many important issues to waste our time squabbling with each other. We need informed, intelligent adults to lead us into the future.

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That advice is so wrong. Fighting is not the problem. Fighting dirty is the problem. No two people, no matter how committed and in love, will agree on every part of life. It's impossible, and it's not even very desirable. We come to marriage not to agree on everything but to grow, learning about new parts of ourselves and our spouses. When disagreements arise, we have a duty to fight fair. Sinking down to squabbling and bickering like school children is what kills marriages. Before you go to battle with your spouse, learn the rules of the game.

These are your battle plans for engaging in a fair fight.

No character assassination

In a real war, there are snipers designated to take out threats, but sneak attacks have no place in fights with your spouse. Assassinating your spouse's character is a low blow. Before you resort to name-calling and fault-finding, bite your tongue. Besides, the fastest way to force your spouse to disagree with your position is to make him or her mad at you personally.

Go in with a goal in mind

What's your end game in this argument? Before political leaders go to war, they visualize desired outcomes, whether that means protecting citizens or protecting interests. In your house, is it your goal to win your spouse over to your way of thinking, or is it to have everyone walk away happy? If you're going to battle to change your spouse's view of the world, neither of you will win; however, if you're trying to find a mutually beneficial compromise, you can both walk away happy.

Keep the high ground

This is one war where both sides need to stay on high ground the entire time. Don't get stuck in the mires of past transgressions and old hurts. Stay on topic for the discussion at hand, and refuse to get sucked into scorekeeping or grievance escalation. The second you and your spouse start dredging up the past, you've both lost.

Think diplomacy

Do you have the negotiation skills of a UN diplomat or a guerilla warlord? Think of your home as a civilized institution, and use civilized language. Own your own feelings by using "I" statements like, "I feel hurt when..." If you find yourself saying a lot of "you" statements or blaming your actions on your spouse's behavior, it's time to take a step back. No one can make you do, feel or say anything, no matter how annoying he or she may act. Take responsibility for your role in the conflict.

Know when to retreat

Just like some countries are too ideologically different to get along, you can't win some fights in marriage. If you find yourself having the same argument day after day, let it go, and agree to disagree. There is honor in refusing to engage, especially when you've tried and lost before. Don't give up on your marriage just because there are issues you can't come together on. We all have them, and part of learning to master yourself is learning how to keep quiet.

Before you let a bad disagreement tank an otherwise great marriage, learn to fight fair. You can have your opinion heard and grow within your marriage without hurting feelings. If you both agree to some general rules, civil disagreement can help you create a dream marriage.

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Wake up. Eat. Work. Eat. Go to bed. Repeat.

For being the most rewarding job in the world, parenting sure is monotonous sometimes. If you're looking to break up the daily grind, here are 20 things all parents have to do at least once - and, as an added bonus, you'll also become the coolest parent on the block. Mom and dad for the win!

1. Go on a late night ice cream run

Rustle the kids from their beds and go out for a treat, pajamas and all. Yes, the kids will feel sleepy the next day, but the memories are so worth it.

2. Institute backwards day

Have fried chicken for breakfast and cereal for dessert. Let everyone wear pajamas all day and clothes to bed. Turn the entire routine upside down for 24 hours.

3. Let your kids pick your clothes

Make sure nothing is off-limits, and encourage the kids to accessorize you. Pride has no place in parenthood.

4. Camp out in the backyard

See the stars from your very own lawn, and enjoy indoor plumbing at the same time.

5. Reverse roles

What would happen if, for one whole day, the kids acted like grownups and the parents acted like kids? Find out!

6. Try your kids' favorite sports

Let your kids teach you all about skateboarding or snowboarding or lacrosse. It doesn't matter if you're bad at it; it matters that you let your kids play teacher for an afternoon.

7. Play hooky

School attendance is of the utmost importance, but just once in your kids' lives, pull them from school and have a day on the town.

8. Make dessert for dinner

Call everyone for dinner and plop a huge chocolate cake on the table. Prepare yourself for serious praise.

9. Make a birthday a big deal

In addition to the normal party, fill your child's room with balloons, send pizza to school for lunch and go to a restaurant where the waiters sing. Make a big deal out of the special day.

10. Set up a scavenger hunt

Whether it's a race around town or limited to your own backyard, lay out clues and give the family a night to remember.

11. Take a staycation

Get to know your own town by hitting up the popular tourist destinations. You'll never look at your home the same way again.

12. Blackout your house

Declare one old-school night without electricity. Read books, play board games and make shadow puppets by candlelight. Talk about how families lived before electricity.

13. Punk the kids

Pull a practical joke on your kids, and don't wait for April Fool's Day. Make it totally random and hilarious.

14. Go out for family RAK day

RAK, or random acts of kindness, are great ways for busy families to give back. Leave dollars in the dollar store toy section, put change in parking meters, leave a treat for your mail carrier or hand out chalk and bubbles at a local park.

15. Have a family talent show

Yes, the kids might moan and groan, but teach your kids to support their siblings and parents.

16. Declare a water war

Turn on the hoses, fill up some buckets and repurpose dish soap containers as low-budget water guns. Let everyone go nuts this summer.

17. Host a family dance

Let your kids help create the playlist, get everyone super dressed up, then dance the night away together.

18. "Ding dong ditch" the neighbors

Make this classic prank family friendly by leaving a plate of cookies behind.

19. Do a big service project

Host a garage sale or bake sale for charity, organize a canned food drive or take over a fundraising event at your kids' schools. Teach your family that it takes hard work to provide for the community.

20. Have professional portraits taken

It's a big financial burden for many families, but don't let your kids get too big before paying for really, really good portraits at least once.

Childhood comes with an expiration date. Don't let your kids' childhoods pass them by without making some awesome memories. It doesn't take a ton of planning or money for your kids to dub you coolest parent on the block, but it does take your time and intention. Start by doing something today.

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