The price of a healthy romantic relationship is a high level of vulnerability.

When a person is hurt by a romantic partner, she might begin putting up walls of resentment, bitterness or distrust.

These walls, if not taken down, can obscure the love between partners. Effective forgiveness is a principle and process by which these protective walls fall down.

Forgiveness doesn't simply happen by dropping the issue, declaring that someone is forgiven or trying to forget about the pain. Forgiveness is a principle - a rule that must continuously guide the behavior of each partner. Here are the three steps of this guiding principle:

1. Address the pain

Pain from romantic relationships can build up like a volcano and erupt as a powerful overreaction when triggered.

There are many ways to express pain, but all of them involve directing awareness inward and paying attention to the pain. Some common methods are prayer, meditation or writing down what the pain feels like. Another way you can address the issue is a counseling session with professional or a trusted friend.

Upon facing the pain, what caused the pain may become more clear and you may even decide what you need to do about it. But the thoughts that arise are not what heals the pain. The only way to heal pain is to fully perceive the pain, and to let the volcano erupt in a safe and controlled environment.

2. Reconnect

The best way to begin reconnecting to a romantic partner is to communicate. The injured partner should wait to talk about it until the other can give his full attention to the conversation. She should explain what happened and how she felt as a result.

She should also listen to her partner's thoughts since his intentions can sometimes be misunderstood.

3. Respond justly

Partners who truly love each other will take action to prevent hurtful behavior in the relationship. Once a person has learned the details surrounding her pain, she will have a better idea on how to best respond.

If a partner repeatedly refuses to take responsibility for his hurtful behavior or if his behavior is abusive, then the injured partner might respond by leaving the premises, taking some time apart or separating entirely.

Partners don't need to psychoanalyze or try to control one another to limit hurtful behavior in the relationship. Instead, they need to forgive and respond with justice.

No relationship can survive without the principle of forgiveness. A person lives this principle by facing relationship pain, continually reconnecting with her partner and responding justly to any mistreatment.

The post 3 steps to forgiving each other appeared first on FamilyToday.

Women communicate to exchange information as well, but it's much more than that. Women use conversation as a way to connect with a person - to bond with them. One of the greatest yearnings of humans is to connect with others, so a high-quality conversation is extremely gratifying for women. To establish this bond while conversing, women listen with their bodies as much as, or perhaps more than, their minds. They are not only perceiving the words of the conversation, but the emotional aura as well. Unlike men, who listen as a means to the end of receiving information, women use listening as an end itself. There doesn't have to be an informational point to the conversation, it can just be a way to bond and connect with each other; a way to understand and grow closer.

When a woman wants to feel closer to her man, she may strike up a conversation. If the male doesn't understand what conversations and listening mean to a woman, he might give her only a minimum of attention or no attention at all. Then when she feels unloved and unvalued, the man will be shocked and offended.

Here are three simple steps which can help a man listen the way a woman wants him to.

Don't multitask listen

Because listening is primarily a way to receive an informational point, men sometimes do other things while only giving the minimum attention required to hear the point of the conversation. Unfortunately, men also have a very difficult time multitasking. They are single-focused animals. So not only is it common for a woman to feel unloved by her man's multitask listening, but he may even miss the point of the conversation of which he was listening.

By stopping what he is doing and giving her his complete focus, he makes the statement that he values her and what she has to say more than the TV, video game or any other task he is doing. In addition, giving his full attention to her enables him to listen on a deeper level.

If a woman wants a man to give her a high-quality conversation, her best chance is to either catch him while he isn't doing anything or to schedule it with him. If he is in the middle of a game, she could ask him when he will have five or ten minutes to talk to her. When someone interrupts a man while he is in the middle of something, it makes the statement that they don't respect his time or his space. And if he tries to multitask listen, it will be a lower-quality conversation.

Maintain eye contact

When you look a person in the eyes, it makes the statement that you value them through giving your fullest attention. In addition, a person's eyes convey a lot of information. Poker players commonly use sunglasses to prevent their opponents from looking at their eyes and gaining information. High-quality listening involves eye contact.

Listen with your body

Listening with your body means to be aware of how your body feels while you are listening. Emotions are felt within the body, so listening with your body enables you to receive the exchange of emotional content, as well as verbal content. Women tend to do this instinctively, and can often sense how others are feeling even when they don't verbally express those feelings. A person might tell a woman he feels great, but convey an emotional message that says something much more dismal. A man can learn, too. By learning to do this, he is more likely to understand what the woman is trying to convey. In addition, the conversation will be more intimate.

Low-quality listening can lead to low-quality conversations. This can lead to reduced intimacy and increased conflict. Women are naturally high-quality listeners, and men can improve their listening abilities by following these three simple tips for listening the way she wants him to.

The post 3 ways to listen how she wants you to listen appeared first on FamilyToday.

It is impossible for a boyfriend to take responsibility for his girlfriend's emotional security.

On the reverse side, it is impossible for a wife to take responsibility for her husband's sexual gratification.

In short: no person can take responsibility for the happiness or satisfaction of another.

These unhealthy expectations are caused by the ego - the insatiable and problematic "self" in the mind. It sometimes leads a person to incorrectly place responsibility on his or her romantic partner.

How the ego controls relationships

The principle of relationship responsibility can involve either taking on responsibility or shrugging off responsibility, depending on what is just.

One reason the ego yearns for relationships is because they are great opportunities to evade responsibility. The ego wants someone else to take responsibility for making it feel happy, gratified, secure, taken care of, etc. It doesn't want to take responsibility for these things if someone else will do it for them.

"Why work at finding happiness when I can just dump that responsibility onto my partner?"

"Men are lining up to accept me for my looks, why should I learn to accept myself?"

"It's my wife's job to satisfy all of my sexual yearnings, why should I learn self-control?"

The ego might ask questions like these as it rationalizes its addictive, selfish, and irresponsible behaviors which can strain romantic relationships. When a person realizes that his or her expressions of selfless love are enabling the partner's irresponsibility, she must shrug off the responsibility.

Dealing with egos

A wife might tell her husband that while she can try to sexually please him she cannot be responsible for his gratification and will not accept blame, demands, or responsibility for his ungratified sexual nature. A husband might tell his wife that he can try to spend more time with her and better communicate with her but cannot be responsible for her insecurities or volatile emotional nature.

Admittedly, selfless love is healthy, but selfless love can only be protected by correctly applied relationship responsibility.

When people take responsibility for their own yearnings, selfless love is free to be expressed without the risk of enabling a person's irresponsibility or wrongful sense of entitlement. Together, selfless love and relationship responsibility hold up happy and successful relationships.

The post Ladies, it’s not your husband’s fault you’re crying appeared first on FamilyToday.

1. Yearning and Gratification

Sometimes, the ego associates love with longing or yearning, followed by gratification of those yearnings. Security, sexual gratification, ego enhancement - these are just some of the selfish yearnings that the ego wants from relationships. But because human nature is insatiable, the ego will always end up needing more than what any partner can give.

When the efforts of a partner are no longer "doing it" for the ego, it may blame the partner.

2. Ego Reflection

In a romantic relationship, the person's ego doesn't care about its partner as much as it cares about what its partner thinks about it.

While the relationship is intact, the ego is acting out roles, playing games to get its partner to believe the image it portrays. When the partner thinks the ego is perfect, the ego is happy. But nobody can fake it forever. When the partner sees something other than a perfect image, the ego may prefer to run away rather than accept an imperfect reflection.

3. A Drug

The intense emotions and excitement from romantic relationships can bring a sensation of euphoria. This immensely pleasurable and exciting sensation can act as a drug. The appeal of all drugs is that they are an easy means of masking the pain and difficulty of life with a sensation of ecstasy. But like all drugs, the high will always wear off, leaving the user with potent pain, intense cravings and unpleasant side effects.

All of these love imitations are rooted in selfishness. The ego chooses these imitations so it can justify its selfish behavior and call it "love." But true love is never selfish - it is selfless.

True love is rooted in the awareness of - and belief in - the sacred value of another. This awareness of a person's immense worth leads to the desire to selflessly contribute to him. True love doesn't depend on a partner's performance as much as it depends on a person's own willingness to look within himself and see the truth.

If a relationship is rooted in something other than true love, it can evolve into true love when the person directs his awareness inward and works to understand the sacred, valuable nature of his partner. The power of love is that, through the journey to know the sacred nature of a partner, a person will come to know the sacred nature of himself.

The post 3 deceptive imitations of love appeared first on FamilyToday.

When the ego is angry, hurt or unsatisfied, it often yearns to blame another. The ego would rather unjustly dump responsibility onto someone else than accept responsibility and work at a solution. In addition, the ego feels gratified when it blames someone else and then punishes them.

When one romantic partner becomes emotional and begins to attack the other, it's important for the victim to take three specific steps to defuse the situation in a healthy manner.

1. Show empathy and compassion

The two foremost principles of all human relationships are love and justice, but love is the greater of the two. The first step in handling an emotional partner is to express this love through empathy and compassion.

When a person is attacked by her romantic partner, it's easy to allow ego-defense-mechanisms to counter-attack. This can manifest as defensiveness, anger or avoidance. It's important for the victim to be aware of these defense mechanisms and not be taken over by them.

Instead, she should do her best to show empathy, concern and compassion for her partner. If the victim has played a part in the angry partner's emotional episode, an apology and commitment to do better can help to calm him down.

Sometimes an emotional partner just needs some love and attention in order to calm down. Other times, he will seek to use his emotional episode as a weapon of punishment, or a means of exerting control over his partner.

2. Allow a grace period

To be human is to have weaknesses that sometimes lead a person to hurt others, even loved ones. Sometimes a partner is so overcome by emotion that the love for her partner has become completely obscured. This may lead her to use his emotional episodes as weapons of abuse or control.

After the victim has exerted effort to show empathy and compassion, he should end the conversation until his partner has taken responsibility for her emotions and can communicate with respect. It is unlikely that any constructive discussions will take place when emotions are so high.

It is immoral for a person to remain in a situation where they are likely to be verbally, physically or psychologically abused.

The victim should offer his partner a grace period to calm down and think things over. One way to do this is to simply leave the house or hang up the phone. When doing so, he should offer a brief explanation as to why he is ending the conversation. He can explain to the emotional partner that he is concerned about her and loves her, but will not be subjected to hostile treatment. He can end the conversation with an invitation to the emotional partner to call back or come talk once the emotional partner has calmed down and can speak politely and constructively.

3. Respond justly

People learn from their behavior by experiencing the consequences of their actions. If a partner is abusive, hostile or highly emotional, his partner should respond in some way. This is why justice is such an important relationship principle. It often takes painful consequences before an emotional or abusive partner will exert the effort required to stop mistreating his partner. If a person can use bullying or manipulating as ways to evade responsibility for the hurtful behavior, he will often choose this path rather than the more difficult path of self-control.

Responding with similar behavior is ineffective (and immoral). This is because the emotional partner often feels justified in his hurtful behavior in knowing that the victim responded just as hurtfully.

It is never moral to be verbally, physically or psychologically abusive - even in self-defense. The most effective and moral path is for the victim to create some distance from the emotional partner. This might involve moving out, taking a break from the relationship or ending the relationship entirely.

To tolerate a partner who refuses to take responsibility for his highly emotional or hurtful behavior is to enable that behavior. Sometimes an expression of love is enough to dispel the drama and bring peace back into the relationship. Other times it takes harsh consequences for the emotional or abusive partner to become aware of his behavior and take responsibility for it. Consequences should always be given with love and justice.

The post 3 tips for handling big blow-ups appeared first on FamilyToday.

"Give me a mattress that will give me eight hours of perfect sleep every night"¯ she told the salesman.

The salesman brought out a soft and fluffy mattress. "This mattress will give you eight hours of perfect sleep every night, no matter what happens,"¯ he said.

Delightfully she took her new bed home. A few hours before going to sleep for the first time on her perfect mattress, the girl decided to get the most out of her evening by having a cup of coffee. After all, she was going to sleep perfectly anyway. She called her stockbroker and argued about her portfolio, watched a anxiety-inducing thriller on television, and then jumped into bed.

While in bed, she noticed that her mind was racing, as well as her heartbeat. She wasn't sleeping perfectly, just laying on her bed in a state of anxiety, unable to sleep.

She was tired and angry the next day when she returned the mattress to the salesmen. They both agreed that it must have been a faulty mattress.

As insane as this story is, the same type of insanity is present in many romantic relationships.

Hollywood often teaches people that a healthy romantic relationship will save a person from all of life's suffering. Hopefully, such people remember that Hollywood stars aren't exactly known for their happy and lasting relationships. Perhaps this is because Hollywood stars, like many people, believe that their partner can, and should, give them things that cannot be given.

Just as a quality mattress can contribute to good rest, a quality partner can contribute to your self-worth and satisfaction. However, just as a mattress cannot give you a perfect night's sleep, there are two things that your partner cannot give you, no matter how hard they try.

1. Self-Worth

Many people live with an underlying sense of worthlessness or inadequacy. They believe that they have little to give, and the world knows it. Upon entering a romantic relationship, the euphoria of having someone who values them can give rise to a temporary sense of self-worth.

Unfortunately, this euphoria will always wear off. When it does, those feelings of worthlessness reemerge. Then the sufferer remembers that, once upon a time, their partner had the ability to make them feel valuable. This leads them to the belief that their partner must be doing something, or withholding something, that is needed in order to feel valuable again.

This can lead the sufferer to resent, blame, falsely accuse, or place unrealistic demands on his or her partner.

2. Satisfaction

Human nature involves several yearnings that romantic relationships can temporarily gratify. Some of these yearnings are sex, validation, companionship, and emotional or physical care.

With the help of Hollywood, sometimes people come to believe that they are entitled to having their yearnings gratified by their partner. They believe that their partner is responsible for giving them satisfaction.

Unfortunately, human nature is insatiable. This means that relationship perks eventually lose their ability to satisfy. A husband might no longer be sexually satisfied by his monogamous relationship. A wife might no longer be emotionally satisfied by the affectionate gestures of her husband. But if they blame each other for their feelings of worthlessness or dissatisfaction, they will endlessly be at each other's throats. Just as having a properly functioning mattress does not guarantee restful sleep, having a properly functioning partner does not guarantee self-worth or satisfaction.

Each partner must take responsibility for their own self-worth and satisfaction - for his or her own happiness. If they do so, they will be more likely to gratefully receive each other's contributions as loving expressions.

Happiness cannot be given, but the likelihood of having a relationship that contributes to happiness dramatically increases when partners know that they alone are responsible for their happiness.

The post Two things your partner cannot give you appeared first on FamilyToday.