So you're committed to becoming better - whether that's breaking an addiction or trying to be kinder. Things are going well - you're setting goals and creating better habits.

But what do you do if you slip up? We're all human and prone to mistakes. No matter where you are in your recovery, challenges arise to test and teach you about yourself.

If you've slipped up (again), use these tips below to recommit and move forward in your healing.

1. Understand that you made a mistake

When you slip up, you may feel like your world - the new one you've been working so hard to build - has gone down the toilet. Perhaps you're telling yourself you'll never be free of your habit. How can you be if you slip after all this time?

The fact is, you can find healing and live a life free of addiction. Mistakes are a part of life meant to challenge and teach us new things about ourselves. We grow through our mistakes.

As you continue down your path of improving, there will be slip ups, both in the beginning and later in your life. The question is, how are you going to handle them when they arise? If you take a moment to understand you made a mistake, you'll be more open to learn and grow from it.

2. Accept that you messed up

Mistakes are part of life. Don't beat yourself down. The recovery process is not easy; you're going to have good and bad days. There are things you can't change, and holding on to your resentment, shame and guilt isn't helping you or your loved ones move forward in the healing process.

Forgiveness is an important factor when it comes to your recovery. Remember - you're human, and humans make mistakes. If you messed up, call your therapist, someone in your support group, a spiritual leader or trusted friend and recommit to your goals. Sometimes discussing the mistake and what caused you to slip up will help you recognize triggers, and will prevent it from happening again.

3. Notice the hard to face facts

How many times have you known deep down in your heart that something is true, but ignore it? Perhaps you know you're insecure about not being good enough for your spouse, but you blame your mistakes on your spouse for not being there for you more.

Whatever your excuse is, whatever caused you to slip, now is the time to acknowledge the facts and start healing from them. If you're putting the blame on someone else, you're giving away your personal power.

Instead, take responsibility for your life, actions and choices. This is not always easy, and it's often painful. Reclaim your life each day and choose healthier habits that support the new life you are trying to create for yourself and your family. The reward will be immense when you are no longer a prisoner of your past mistakes.

4. Learn from the mistake

"Don't waste a good mistake...Learn from it." - Robert Kiyosaki

Now that you've recognized and faced the facts, learn from your mistake. What can you do better next time? Who can you speak to if the situation arises again? How are you going to hold yourself accountable?

Each mistake is a chance to learn more about yourself and why you've fallen in the addiction cycle. Use this time to understand what your triggers are, and learn. The more you understand about yourself and your addiction, the better you'll be able to identify your triggers before you spiral down the path of addiction.

5. Let it go

"When you find your path, you must not be afraid. You need to have the sufficient courage to make mistakes. Disappointment, defeat and despair are the tools God uses to show us the way." - Paulo Coelho

Once you identify and learn from your mistake, let it go. You're not doing yourself any favors by beating yourself up over it. When the mistakes of the past surface, use them as a reminder of what not to do. Each hurdle you overcome, every mountain you climb, is one step closer to beating your addiction and living the life you've always wanted.

While you're moving forward down your path of improving, you're going to make mistakes. You'll have moments where you feel disappointment and even defeat, but don't give in. Each step towards recovery is teaching you a lesson, building confidence and opening new doors.

Commit to your recovery every day and use your toolbox to support you in your healing. Remember each hurdle and challenge that comes up is a lesson to help you grow.

Mother Teresa once said, "I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Keep that in mind while you move forward in your recovery to push you forward and help you take back your life.

The post How to forgive yourself after you mess up (again) appeared first on FamilyToday.

Pornography and sexual addiction are growing rampant in our culture. No matter where you turn, magazine covers and other images break into our lives, objectifying women and men and teaching our children these images are acceptable. However, the fact remains, these harmful stereotypes are having a negative impact on our lives.

Today, research shows 68% of young men and 18% of young women are viewing porn at least once a week and those numbers are increasing. Because pornography is so easy to access, for anyone at any age, now is the time to take a stand against this devastating and damaging disease.

If you're struggling with porn addiction, make a change and claim back your life. To help you get started on the path of recovery, here are three important steps you can take today.

1. Create a network of support

Admitting you have a pornography addiction is a big step and one you need to make to move forward in your healing. Once you've acknowledged you have problem, it's important you find a support group, therapist or trusted individual you can speak openly with.

If you're reading this shaking your head and hesitating to find people to talk to about this, remember addiction thrives in shame. In a support group, with people who understand and relate to what you're going through, you can listen to others share their stories and insights on what they've learned during their recovery.

2. Make a plan of action

Once you've found a safe place you can open up in, create a plan of action. Your plan of action is to help you implement and develop new habits that will help you stay on track during your recovery.

This may feel like a tedious task, especially at the beginning, but setting up a plan of action is important for helping you create a new lifestyle, free of pornography. These new habits don't have to be major changes, nor should they be (you don't want to set yourself up to be discouraged), but they are here to assist you in goals.

Not sure what to include in your plan of action? Here are a few ideas: write in a journal daily, do some kind of community service or attend a support group once a week.

3. Practice positive self-talk

In addition to creating your plan of action, taking time each day to practice positive self-talk is also critical to your recovery. If you're constantly talking down to yourself and participating in other negative self-talk, you're going to sabotage your recovery efforts.

Make it a daily practice to say positive affirmations to yourself (silently or out loud) each morning, every night and throughout the day.

Recovery from this devastating addiction is possible. While you start your recovery and continue to move down the healing path, remember to be kind to yourself. Healing takes time. You're going to have your good and bad days (another reason why a support group or therapist is so important), and you need to have positive, uplifting reasons around to remind you why you're doing this.

The post How to quit porn and break free of addiction appeared first on FamilyToday.

Pornography and sexual addiction can have a devastating impact on a marriage. In many cases, spouses are traumatized by the addiction and are left feeling inadequate, disconnected, and feel low self-worth.

While going through the process of rebuilding trust, as the offending spouse, you will have to understand and accept that your spouse will need space and time to work through his or her emotions. He or she may have many questions, or even anger toward you. Accept that some days are going to be harder than others; commit to keeping the promises you make, and be compassionate to what he or she is going through and feeling.

Although you cannot force your spouse to forgive or trust again, there are some things you can do to show him or her that you are putting in a real effort to make changes and become someone he or she can trust again.

While moving through the healing process, here are six tips for rebuilding trust with your spouse:

1. Own your problems

You can't heal from your addiction if you don't take ownership of it. You must take total responsibility and not blame others. By owning up to the problem, you also own the solutions. Be accountable for your actions and your spouse will see you are committed to making a serious effort to save your marriage.

2. Be the change

Ralph Waldo Emerson put it perfectly when he said, "What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." Stop trying to convince your spouse that you've changed, and instead, change. Set clear goals and ask yourself what you want most out of life. It is easier to make positive changes when you make specific plans and follow through with them.

3. Re-prioritize

Rebuild trust with your spouse by putting him or her, and your family, first. Take your spouse on a date, participate in family time and be there for them.

4. Seek support

Make the effort to seek help — show your spouse that you are serious in your recovery. Find a support group or 12-step program, or talk to a trusted friend or licensed therapist to help you during your recovery. In most cases, actively seeking and participating in treatment can help couples rebuild trust.

5. Be trustworthy

Trust isn't earned in a day, but rather by being honest and opening the lines of communication. Build boundaries around your temptations by establishing rules with your Internet use, or being more open with the activities you are doing on your smart phone. Go to bed with your spouse at the same time and avoid spending alone time on the computer.

6. Practice mindfulness

Many times when a person is deep in their addiction, he or she stops living life. Show your spouse that the "real you" is back by being present in the moment and enjoying the time you spend with your spouse and family. The key is to focus on what is going on around you and not lose yourself in distractions.

Keep in mind that healing from pornography and sexual addiction is a process. Each day you are going to have to make a conscious decision to abstain from pornography and make healthier choices. It is also important to remember that trust takes time to rebuild, and that your spouse is going through his or her own emotions and underlying issues. Allow him or her time to heal.

Pornography and sexual addiction devastates marriages; but that doesn't have to mean the relationship is over. The healing process can be long and difficult, so use this time to show your spouse how important he or she is to you.

The post 6 ways to rebuild trust with your spouse after addiction appeared first on FamilyToday.

It's not your fault

When a woman learns that her husband or loved one is involved in pornography and related compulsive sexual behaviors, she is flooded with emotions. These include feelings of shock, anger, disgust, deep hurt and confusion. It is easy for a woman to blame herself, feeling as though she is somehow not "good enough." But this is not the case. You are not the reason for your spouse's addiction.

For many women, therapy is a safe place to sort through the traumatic experience of their spouse's addiction. It is vital for couples struggling through addiction to have a strong support system around them. Talk with your church, close friend or find a 12-step program that can provide help to those affected by addiction.

Warning signs of addiction

Has your spouse admitted to you that he or she has a problem with compulsive sexual behaviors?

A spouse may have known that something wasn't right in their relationship for a long time. Many times, the partner of an addict knows, at least on a subconscious level, that something is wrong. Sometimes, however, confession of an addiction may catch one spouse completely off-guard.

Some signs of pornography and sexual addiction are very obvious, like finding a pornographic video, discovering inappropriate Internet browser history or unexplained charges on a credit card statement.

Other signs may be more subtle, and can even take years before a spouse realizes anything. The following list of symptoms may indicate your partner is suffering from sexual addiction. These are not absolute indications of addiction - just possible warning signs.

• Noticeable change in frequency of sexual relations with you - from total lack of interest to insatiable appetite for sex.

• Noticeable change in actual sexual relations with you - rigid, dispassionate, quick, detached.

• Requests unusual sexual practices that make you feel uncomfortable.

• Neglects your sexual, physical and emotional needs.

• Neglects responsibilities involving family, finances and job.

• Increased isolation or withdrawal from family; unexplained absences.

• Easily irritated, argumentative or defensive.

• Unexplained or secretive in financial matters.

• Has stopped participating in hobbies.

• When confronted, reactions may include some of the following: defensiveness, anger, pouting, turning the blame and fault to you, manipulation, withdrawal, playing the victim or playing dumb.

• Disregards your feelings and opinions.

To stay or not to stay?

The spouse and family members of an addict are dealing with the harsh reality of an attachment being violated. The security and safety of their emotional needs are lost or gone. Much of the relationship feels false — almost like a fraud. For women, discovering your husband's addiction can lead to feelings of vulnerability and disorientation. Naturally, wives ask, "Who can I trust? Who will be there for me now?"

Many times the betrayed spouse does not know where to turn, and will often struggle with the situation alone. A wife's identity, security and stability are destroyed.

This type of trauma shatters the internal world of the spouse of an addict. All aspects of her life are affected. Her ability to function with employment, household duties and parenting is disrupted. Her sense of self is altered, and often her spirituality is affected.

A spouse's responses to this type of wound typically fall in the category of a "trauma response," which can be defined as an emotional response to a perceived threat.

If an addicted spouse takes the desire to recover seriously, it is recommended that you do not make any major decisions regarding your relationship during the first year of recovery, unless abuse is present. It will help if some stability is present before major decisions are made. A decision to go or to stay will become clearer after the first year of treatment, once a healing process is well underway.

The post Your spouse’s addiction doesn’t define you appeared first on FamilyToday.

Many women-and men, in some cases-who enter into a relationship with an addict find themselves depressed, isolated, and full of self-doubt.

For bothfans of the film and avid protesters, there are actually a lot of lessons that Fifty Shades of Grey can teach us about building healthy relationships. In looking at where Ana and Christian's relationship failed, we can find ideas for improvement in our own relationships.

Here are five relationship tips to take away from the series:

1. Set boundaries

This is an invaluable skill that many of us either haven't learned or don't use. Boundaries are critical for building a healthy relationship and understanding our limits. To set your own boundaries, take some time to write down what makes you uncomfortable or stressed in a relationship, along with compromises you are willing to tolerate. As you write your list, consider your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs. Encourage your spouse to create a similar list and share with one another.

2. Prioritize open communication

Too many relationships hit roadblocks because couples forget to keep the communication lines open. Between working, taking care of the kids, housework, and everything else, finding time to really talk with your spouse is often put on the back burner.

Set aside time each week, if not each day, to have meaningful conversations with your spouse. Discuss your daily lives, make decisions, and reconnect. It's important to remember that good communication is a two-way street-it requires both speaking openly and listening actively. As you improve your communication skills, you will find it easier to open up and be vulnerable with one another.

3. Recognize red flags

This goes back to setting personal boundaries. When you know yourself and understand your limits, you become more aware of relationship red flags. Not all red flags are a sign to end the relationship, but they are important to be aware of as they often cause a relationship to become unhealthy.

Some key red flags to keep in mind: lack of communication, lack of support from friends and family, control issues, jealousy, a dark or secretive past, and most importantly abusive behavior-physical, sexual, or emotional. This last one is a huge sign that's it's time to reevaluate your relationship and find support.

4. Have a support system

A support system can be a great resource for anyone in a relationship, regardless of if the relationship is healthy or unhealthy. Whether it's a family member, a good friend, or a more established group, the right support system will allow you to connect with others and validate your feelings. These groups are a great way to get practical advice, improve your coping skills, and reclaim your self-confidence. There are several ways to find a support group-many religious groups and community centers offer free groups that are open to anyone.

5. Know yourself

This point is especially important-and often overlooked-for women. In a culture where women are used to putting everyone else first, finding time to know who you are is not always on the to-do list. However, self-knowledge can help you understand who you are, what you stand for, areas for self-improvement, and when to let go. Get to know yourself through journaling, meditation, and taking time for yourself.

Relationships can be complicated. Having a solid understanding of who you are and what you stand for can help you build a stronger relationship and become a stronger person.

The post These surprisingly healthy lessons from Fifty Shades of Grey will make your marriage rock appeared first on FamilyToday.

For all of her life, this girl had idolized her father. To her, he had always been the beacon of decency, integrity and loyalty. Now, her emotional trauma was obvious as she shared feelings of disbelief and pain, stating, "How could this be? I don't think I know who he really is anymore. I'll never trust anything else he ever says. How could he say he loves us and do this to our family?" She also indicated that she felt guilt and responsibility for her mom and dad's fighting, thinking she should have stayed quiet and never have told her mom about what she had found.

Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon story. Young people who are exposed to a parent's pornographic materials are impacted in many ways. Two adult men seeking therapy for a long-term pornography addiction each reported that his first exposure to pornography was by accidentally coming across his father's "stash of porn." One, at age 10, had found his father's magazines. The other, at 13, found his dad's porn files on the family's computer.

Both men feel these early experiences played a large role in their preoccupation with sex during their adolescent years, which later evolved into compulsive, addictive behaviors. These behaviors are now creating tremendous pain and trauma for their own children and wives. This is a multi-generational problem which adversely impacts young people's lives in many different ways.

Compulsive pornography use of a spouse often results in separation and divorce. Like so many children who are affected by divorce, children in these situations are traumatized by grief, pain and loss. Many families are also financially impacted when a parent loses their employment because of pornography use on the job. The stress and tension this creates is felt deeply by the children as they watch their parents' struggle and as their own sense of safety and security is put at risk.

There are parents who believe that their children will not be adversely affected by their compulsive pornography use as long as they never find out about it. This is a naïve conclusive and is rarely, if ever, true. When a parent engages in this behavior in secrecy, it is usually because it is not consistent with their own personal beliefs, either spiritually or morally.

This creates tremendous shame and self-loathing. This shame is often manifest through increased isolation, irritability, depressed mood, anxiety and impatience. All of which have a short- and long-term negative impact on relationships in the home.

In speaking of this isolation, Dr. Don Hilton, an expert on the biological and relational effects of pornography use, states, "One of the most insidious effects of a pornography addiction is isolation. Isolation is the prerequisite to acting out in an addiction...One must find a place where he can be alone, where no one will disturb him as he shuts out the world... He must then isolate socially. He must disconnect from others so he can be alone. Emotional isolation is essential. If he thinks about those he loves and what his acting out would do to them, he would be unable to act out."

An awareness of these indisputable effects upon children will hopefully motivate all of us in our efforts to support and assist families in preventing these circumstances and in helping those who are already dealing with them in their homes.

The post What you didn’t know pornography is doing to your kids appeared first on FamilyToday.