"Who did you have to be for your father?"

It's a simple question I heard on the Timothy Ferriss podcast. It was an episode featuring Tony Robbins.

At first, I thought "Huh?" Turns out Tony uses this question to uncover internal conflicts. To find the things we beat ourselves up for without knowing why. The high standards we yearn to achieve, but seldom do. Why are the standards there in the first place? Why do we expect so much from ourselves?

We all want financial security, joy, loving friends and a healthy, attractive body. But what is this natural current flowing through me? Why would I never be happy living certain ways, even though others do and seem content?

At 32 years old, I see both of my parents within myself. My mother's slight neurosis and yearning for connection and experience. My father's stubbornness and desire for order and control. But whether I like it or not, my dad affected my life the most. After each of my many failures, he's the first person I think about. I can even see him now, shaking his head in disappointment over my latest stupid mistake or Amazon purchase.

Who Was Your Dominant Parental Figure?

It doesn't have to be your father, but for myself and most men - father is the dominant figure. Though he was often gone, his was the love I wanted most. I yearned for his respect and to impress him.

Whose love did you want most? Whether you received it or not, whether you spent much time with them - it doesn't matter. Sadly, it's usually the parent whose love we didn't get that we want the most. It's just how we're built. We want that which we cannot have.

Now, let's talk about me

My dad was this "strong man" who led businesses, stayed on course and didn't lose control. Even if something was wrong, he plowed through. He's a machine. And I mean that as a compliment.

Now take me. I had many struggles growing up. Struggles with feeling "different" and weird. Damaged and flawed in the core of my being. From as young as seven, I remember these feelings. I was visiting many doctors, getting medicated for ADD and behavior issues. I was thought to be autistic for a brief spell. They made me look at funny pictures and treated me like a strange little boy.

The point of this is: I felt so different from my dad. How could he understand me? From my foundational years onward, we were different people in my mind. Not being able to sit still - he must think I'm weak and pathetic. Of course, he probably never felt this way even for a second. But we have a great talent for putting ourselves down, even at seven years old. In fact, this feeling affects me still. I never felt that "unconditional love" thing from my dad. I always felt I had to impress him or earn his attention. I felt like a scoreboard. And all I can remember is losing points.

It's obvious my dad and I never communicated about emotions or self-worth. I cannot remember one moment of real connection with my father. When I was seven years old, we built a model something or another together and it was nice.

My poor mother was always working or upset, and frantic about my father. His work, work, work, lifestyle and frequent trips were tough on her. I would hear her cry. The last thing I wanted was to tell her the dark thoughts swirling in my brain. Nor the sad feelings in my heart. She had enough struggle already. I felt very alone.

This is not about placing blame

The point of the first question isn't to blame or demonize. This exercise is a tool for awareness, self-observation, and analysis. My father loves me and would do anything in the world for me. He had no idea how his actions made me feel. And I didn't understand these feelings until in recent years.

Fathers are imperfect, and mothers are imperfect. Just like us. Here's something maturity has taught me: Nobody knows what they're doing. That's one of the great equalizers in life.

We're all doing our best. And that's all we can do. My dad's upbringing made him the man he is today. And his only further education has been business and work. It's easy to understand now, but for many years I fought these simple facts. He loves me in his way, and I cannot control that. The way he loves me doesn't change who I am.

I love my dad, and he did his duty as best he could. He made plenty of mistakes, but I respect him. He's an impressive man. I only hope someday my daughter is as impressed with me.

So, now what?

Where does this realization leave me? Well..

All we can do is live right here, right now. Correct? This exercise can either entrap us or free us. I vote freedom.

Awareness is the first step to living with more intelligence and peace. The next is simple - keep doing it. When you're aware, you can step back and have a look. "Wow, that's interesting. I see." Self-awareness establishes ground zero. You can stand on both legs, look around, and begin to change. Awareness leads you the power of acceptance.

Self-acceptance means opening my heart, laying everything out on the table, and moving on.

Accepting yourself is the end of resistance. I was exhausted from years of running, fighting, pushing, and desiring.

For years I fought my natural self while trying to be someone my dad would be proud of. Living a life filled with anxiety, pushing for more from myself. Forever coming up short. Running from the pain and loneliness that would creep in. Fleeing from the natural signs that I was living life the wrong way.

A chance to raise my daughter different

This knowledge not only helps me live with more joy, but it also makes me a better dad.

My daughter isn't on the scoreboard system. Lily doesn't need to impress me or make me proud to earn my love. She's #1 priority in my life. And she knows I love her and that I'm ecstatic she's my kid. I tell her probably 19 times an hour, and I mean it every time. Overkill? No.

It's important that she feels comfortable in her innate goodness. She was born to be herself, and she is here to give her gift to the world. Whatever that gift may be - I'm so impressed.

Dear daughter, life is happening for you, not to you. Remember this mantra forever. "For me, not to me." You can choose love and acceptance, always. The most important thing is treating you and others around you with compassion and understanding. Learn to become a light to yourself and to those who suffer. Everything else is a walk in the park.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Take the Lemons. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

The post Who was your dominant parental figure and why does it matter? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Let's start with some spiritual goodness from Kute Blackson:

"Often in our striving to get somewhere or feel something different, we lose the fact that we are here. Right here. Nowhere else." -Kute Blackson

We all love a good quote. But 99% of us fail to question, analyze and decipher their deeper meaning.

This quote from Kute's book "You Are The One" seems basic on the surface. Similar advice is found in countless other spirituality writings. Tomes from wise worldly dudes such as Krishnamurti, Ram Dass, Lao Tzu and Thich Nhat Hanh and hundreds more profound thinkers. There's no doubt you've heard this before ... an urging to live in the moment. To enjoy the present. To be yourself.

What does it really mean? If I'm alive and breathing doesn't that mean I'm living "in the moment?" And what does this have to do with being happy?

I've had an intense journey over the last five months. For the first time in my life I fully experienced my pain and sorrow. Accepted my pain. Lived through it and felt the burn. I cared for the wounds, and now the scars are starting to form.

I think I found what they were talking about. But there's a problem with the language ... Words will forever fail to capture the clean, easy, eternal beauty you'll find when you just ARE. The calm you'll feel when you begin to simply BE.

By trying to "be happy" all the time, I was sabotaging my life. By "thinking positive" 24/7 and fighting my natural depression, sadness and loneliness I felt so often, I was just engaging in a non-stop war on myself that left me exhausted, broken and scared.

Searching for escapes, shortcuts, quick fixes and cover-ups ... I was denying the current moment, creating conflict and confusion in my mind. I couldn't get out of my own way.

Our Culture

Our entire culture - our way of life - is centered around the belief that pain is bad, and pleasure is good. Pain must be rid of immediately and in as effective form as possible. Medicinal, emotional, physical, spiritual. All pain is the enemy. And pleasure is king ... Medicate it away, think it away, run away, get angry, do whatever you must they say.

But here's the deal. Isn't pain naturally within us? With pleasure will come pain. Does this mean we're broken?

The answer is no, you very much are not. I've felt all the above and so much more. I thought I was insane for about all of my adult life. A hopeless case.

Finally facing my pain and sorrows convinced me otherwise, and continues to make me the person I always wanted to be. My pain and obstacles are now a refuge, a challenge, like a hard new concept in chemistry. When I finally stopped distracting myself and running away from my pain, depression and loneliness I felt my soul emerge ... the soul that had been buried for over 15 years.

As you'll read below, pain and sorrow are completely natural emotions. Though when you're stuck in them you feel alone, you definitely aren't. Best part is that pain brings lessons. These lessons can change our lives in massive ways. Pain can be an asset, a tool to better yourself and your life.

You aren't a hopeless case. Inside you is the gift of infinite beauty, godliness and power beyond your belief. It's not a new phase, it's not a 12-week diet. It's YOU in all your infinite possibilities. Once you learn to stop trying and simply listen to your emotions.

13 key points to take with you:

1. Don't Hate Yourself For Feeling Bad

My deep, unrestrained self-analysis over the last eight months taught me that trying to be anything other than who I was in the moment was in effect war on myself, struggle, conflict and unnatural. If I was ever wishing for a different state, feeling or situation, I was failing to ACCEPT who I was and how I was feeling. Those feelings are supposed to be there, you must feel them in their fullness to learn the lesson. To develop toughness. Many go through their entire lives running, hiding or distracting themselves from natural pain.

2, By failing to accept my pain, my natural state of mind - I was failing to understand myself

By failing to understand myself I was failing to truly live. I didn't know who I was, besides being scared, sad or lonely.

3. Make sure you don't hate your present while you love on your supposed Utopian future

The one that will never exist.

4. Listen, Study, Act. Stop Trying to Think it Away

If you don't like yourself or your current life situation, that's OK. Make decisions now that will improve your life. Tomorrow belongs to those who live today.

5. It Bears Repeating - It's Normal To Feel Terrible Sometimes

It's OK to not be happy. Seriously. Pain, sadness, flatness, are normal. Life is a topography like Earth. Mountains, valleys, soaring peaks, nasty little caves with tingly, dank pockets of air. We'll walk through misty infinite forests we think won't end and atop mountains with expansive mind-blowing views of the horizon. You've gotta keep traveling.

6. Take it. Accept it. Own it

Learn to feel a state and be OK with it ... "I feel anxiety right now, and that is OK." There is power in phrasing it like this, believe me. It is comforting to the mind and reinforces lessons of meditation and stillness.

7. There's a Silver Lining. A Huge One

Living in the moment (the emotional, mental moment) not only makes good times better, but it makes bad times easier as well. Everything gets easier, authentic and manageable. Our fears become expected, predictable. You will gain confidence, power and toughness. Less fear in life is an amazing thing.

8. You have to learn the lesson so it won't happen again

This is why it's important not to just feel the pain, you must objectively analyze the "why" behind it. Study it. Observe it. Fully feel the burn, care for the wound intelligently, and let it scar.

9. Regular Aerobic Exercise Will Change Your Life

I beg you to please engage in regular aerobic exercise. I lifted weights for years, but not until I started spinning and doing cardio regularly did I realize that aerobic exercise is moving meditation. Nothing else brings you in the moment like a 45-minute intense aerobic workout. Exercise takes that pain and questioning in your brain and works it around naturally, fleshes it out, teases it, tests it. Aerobic exercise will help your brain and your soul to swallow the pain. And to keep it down.

10. This is a Human Condition. You're Not Alone. Ever

This isn't about being a yogi, or a spiritual master. That all comes later. This is about being HUMAN. At some point we became conscious as a species. Now we have to deal with this lovely living brain and the power of memory. Past, future, guilt, regrets, unjustified fears, worry ... it's purely a human struggle. Buddhism, religion, yoga, meditation, kung fu monks, all of it is the pursuit of calm in the hurricane of conscious, constant thought.

11. One Love, One Heart

Right now I'm OK with who I am. I know what I'm good at and what I'm not. I accept me, or at least I work at it everyday. If I die right now, I'm proud of where I've taken myself. I've made some heartbreaking, disastrous mistakes. I've also created unbelievable beauty and experienced immense joys. I've felt pain that I honestly believed I wouldn't survive.

12. In the end, we're all one spirit, one being, one people, all struggling to make sense of this wacky little existence

Practice forgiveness and love, both for yourself and others.

13. Allow yourself to be as you are, you're exactly where you're supposed to be

You are feeling exactly what you're supposed to feel. This is your fate, there's beauty in it. Stop fighting. Listen, learn and grow. Develop a solid, rich foundation in your life and you won't have to make yourself feel anything.

But don't stop trying because you think it will finally make you happy.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Take the Lemons. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

The post Why ‘trying to be happy’ can ruin your life appeared first on FamilyToday.

So you love a guy who has low self-esteem ...

I'm a dude who used to hate himself - who still kind of does. I know what you deal with. He must drive you nuts.

I was in a relationship with an angel, let's call her Mary. Mary was such a pure, beautiful soul. We connected. Looking into her eyes filled me with comfort and calmed my fears. Mary loved me so much, and I loved her too. But I hated myself even more. Long story short - I ran away from her love. The love I felt unworthy of. I sought validation and distraction in women, alcohol and career moves. And in many other dark ways I won't mention.

Low self-esteem is easy to explain, yet, hard to understand for some. It's feeling shameful about who you are.Feeling guilty or embarrassed about who you are, deep in your core. You feel "different." Damaged or flawed in fundamental, irreversible ways. You don't love yourself. Your man may never admit it outright - but he wishes he were someone else.

Alas, there's no return policy in life. We're stuck in this skin forever, and the hate, the self-pity - it gets us nowhere. But here's the deal:

When a man is dealing with low self-esteem, he'll make mistakes. Big mistakes

My shame and low self-esteem led me to become reckless. I felt a constant, nearly unbearable background anxiety. I had to make myself feel different. I had to escape. Luckily, there were several reliable methods: nonstop partying, starting businesses, spending lots of money, exotic traveling. My worst nightmare was being alone, in a quiet room. I couldn't stand my own company. Maybe your man feels the same way, I pray he doesn't. But my feelings aren't unique.

The mistakes I made led to more shame and guilt.And then more mistakes made running away from those feelings. The spiral of pain seems unstoppable.

Your man's low self-esteem can manifest in a variety of ways. Every guy will act out in his own way. Some pull back and hide, some flee and seek experiences. Others party and rage, or try to prove themselves at work. It's troublesome for both the sufferer and the poor individual who loves them so much. Low self-esteem is tricky; the sufferer can distract himself or run away from it for years. He may not even realize that the darkness he feels is low self-esteem.

If you love him, he will need you to get through it. Don't give up on him, he needs you. Many times it will be confusing, and he may hurt you without wanting to.

Here's some important things to remember:

1. He loves you so much, but hates himself even more

He's lost. You two may have such an obvious, beautiful opportunity for love but he squanders it. He only sees his own shortcomings. His pain and depression is like a dark, heavy, thick blanket that he just can't shake. But like I said above, he may not even realize it. He's not trying to mess with your head. He's not unreachable. However, he is in a state of constant anxiety, always wishing he could be someone HE loves. If you say "I love you!" he probably thinks: Why would you? You can't. You're wrong.

If you love him, do what you can to help his HEART. Buy him books on spirituality, ask him how he feels about himself. Listen, and if required, seek the help of a licensed therapist or psychologist.

2. He may seek attention outside the relationship or activities without you

This was a huge factor in my relationship ending. My low self-esteem led me to crave attention from other potential partners. I was addicted to approval and validation from other women.

Your man may seek attention and approval from other people. He thinks that he has to either prove to himself that he's worthy, or look for evidence of it anywhere he can.

It may be common sense to you - that we should all love and respect ourselves as human beings. But to a sufferer of low self-esteem, this isn't the case. Having low self-esteem is like being in a courtroom. And you're guilty until proven innocent. He's shameful at the core of his being.

3. He believes he must have "gotten lucky." He feels unworthy of you

At first he cherished you. He held you close, showed you off to the world. But soon ... he knew he "had you" and started looking around.

I had an amazing partner in Mary, but I didn't believe I was worthy. She could see the man I was. She saw through my shame and self-hatred but I couldn't buy it. I was too deep in my own trance.

I thought I had gotten lucky, that I'd fooled her somehow. So I needed to prove that I could be worthy of someone amazing. Does that sound awful or what? I wanted to be able to "earn someone" who everyone else wanted, to prove to myself that I was a valuable man. Then I could love myself.

Remember that this isn't about you - this is about a hole he has in his heart. He needs to know that he didn't just "get lucky" when he landed you. Please, tell him you love him. Tell him everything you think is unique and enticing about him. Don't make it only about appearance either. If he feels like he fooled you, he will not treat the relationship with respect. This is an important point.

4. He may be restless or always trying to prove something to the world or himself

There is nothing wrong with drive and initiative. But why is he so driven? Why does he desire so much? If we bothered to ask ourselves "why" we want the things we do, we could save ourselves much heartbreak. We'd stop running after so many shiny red balls. We could live with more purpose. Your man should ask himself why he wants to accomplish so much.

To bring him down to earth, remind him how much life there is to live right now, in this moment. This moment, between the two of you. Kiss his lips, hold his head in your hands. Tousle that hair and look deep into those eyes you love so much. Say "I love you for exactly who you are, right now." Tell him he is enough.

The point isn't to make him lazy. It's to make sure he has his motivation and priorities in the right place.

5. He can be extremely jealous or insecure about other men

My ex, Mary, had to think that I was perfect and wonderful at all times. She was my entire support system, and my source of confidence and security. She was my everything. (and yet, I treated her awfully - aren't men the greatest?)

If I felt threatened or not the number one importance in her life, I would start to freak out. The low self-esteem inside your man creates an enormous hole.

He doesn't want you to suffer. Nor does he want to dominate you. He doesn't know why he feels this way, but it's because he hates who he is. In effect it's self defense, your actions hurt him. It's painful enough just being who he is - when you threaten to make him feel even worse about himself, he lashes out or gets uncomfortable.

Nothing about this is OK. I'm only telling it like it is.

6. It can be near impossible to get him living "in the moment"

Many guys with low self-esteem are living in the past. He may be guilt-ridden and woeful over opportunities he failed to seize. Maybe he regrets not doing better in school, or choosing a better college. He might feel like a failure and disappointment to his family. Who knows, the point is he rides himself down all the time.

Alternately, he's living in the future. He dreams of a day when he can "be happy." You may feel sad because it seems all he cares about is making lots of money, accomplishments or fame. But he probably just feels he'll only worthy of you once he conquers the world. He feels he's unworthy of happiness until he proves himself. These thoughts consume him and he's desperate for that sweet moment of relief when he's "made it." Problem: it's never coming.

You love him exactly as he is, right? Tell him that right now.

7. True commitment scares him - but not for the reason you think

In my relationship, I was afraid because I didn't know who I was. I didn't feel like a good person, so who would want to be with me? I convinced myself that I was helping by not giving her marriage or children. By not giving her 100% true commitment I was doing her a favor.

I didn't believe in myself. I had no faith in my own goodness or potential. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle the hard times that would come. He needs to learn to love himself through the hard times before he can love you through the hard times.

8. He may enjoy seeing you in pain or suffering for the relationship

Self-esteem can get so low that a man gets validation from seeing his partner suffer. Seeing a person feel pain caused by us can actually give us pride.

It's a dose of the "I'm worthy" drug ... "Look at how this person goes crazy for me, I must be worthy."

Enough said, it's time to leave the relationship. Hurt never justifies hurt.

9. He adores you - but he needs to learn how to love himself

Your guy has to learn to love himself. This includes all the deepest and darkest parts too, the parts that scare him to death. The unfaced and unfelt parts of our psyche are the source of all neurosis and suffering. Carl Jung said that, not me.

In the end, you can get over this together. The bond between you will be unbreakable, and he will love you forever. He'll never forget that you were the girl who helped him discover the greatest love in the universe - his love for himself.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Take the Lemons. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

The post 9 things to know if you love a guy with low self-esteem appeared first on FamilyToday.