We know what divorce looks like. Divorce looks like arguing. Divorce looks like bad choices. Divorce looks like pain.

But here's the kicker.

The marriages that last forever? They're made from the exact same things. Search the world over, and you'll find these three beautiful flaws in every lasting relationship.

Fights that go "boom"

So you've had a serious beef or two with your spouse (and if you haven't yet, you will). But after decades of observation, experts tell us that even people in the most successful marriages have had terrible fights that led them to question, "Why did I marry this person?"

Sound familiar? You know it does - and hopefully you and your sweetheart now have a good laugh remembering the night you almost called "time of death" on your relationship because you were both starving but couldn't agree on where to eat out.

Interestingly, the key to a lasting relationship is not an absence of disagreement. Instead, relationship experts observe that lasting couples tend to disagree using two very particular strategies: a delicate, non-blaming approach when bringing up issues, and expressions of gratitude afterward (even when conflicts are left unresolved).

In other words, a successful couple takes a recipe for disaster and cooks up something much tastier by mixing in two insanely simple ingredients. Sounds too easy? Try finding something to sincerely thank your sweetheart for the next time she questions your parallel parking.

Not as easy as it sounds, right?

But, as Grandma always said, "Good cooks follow the recipe." And so do good marriages.

Awful shame

Sure, your wife is bound to catch you using her special decorative towels at least once when you think she's not looking. And ladies? Hubby knows that you losing his mother's meatloaf recipe was no accident. But these things are simple hiccups that some might call embarrassing, not shameful.

True shame is a different beast entirely. It's looking into the eyes of the person who holds your bleeding heart and confessing, "I've done something terrible. I can't justify it. Please love me and help me anyway." Though such intense vulnerability terrifies even the strongest men, those in lasting relationships can submit themselves to shame when shame is due. They know it's worth suffering through for what follows.

Fortunately for couples, there really is a miracle pill that strengthens and completely redefines even the flabbiest relationships - it's called forgiveness. But it doesn't come cheap. It can cost your pride, your anger, your revenge. It might cost you everything you think you know about justice. And when you read the fine print, you'll notice the disclaimer that forgiveness cannot change the past. But it will transform the future. It will breathe new life into dead love. Forgiveness purifies the heart.

The couples who find themselves forgiving each other over and over again? These are the truly lucky ones.

Life-changing suffering

Suffering is an inevitable part of life for all of us - but we're not all good at it. In the face of hardship, some fall to pieces. Some grow bitter. Some simply lie down and wait for the day happiness returns...

And then there are those who suffer well, the people who pick themselves up by their bootstraps and insist that goodness exists even when they can't see it through the darkness surrounding them - the survivors.

Tragedy eventually touches every relationship. The couples who survive, however, suffer well. They hide in plain sight, doing the simple things each day that are anything but simple - trying again for a baby after a second miscarriage, dragging themselves to work with tired smiles after waiting for a missing teenager to wander home at 3AM. Together, they stand bravely over the caskets of lifelong friends, of parents taken too soon. They lock hands through layoffs, through chemotherapy, through countless desperate prayers. They do not allow each other to surrender.

Their faith in something greater, in something bigger than themselves fans the flame of their love until that love burns brighter than any darkness.

These are the couples who last

As they hold faithfully to each other through arguments and frustration, through mistakes and bitter shame, through suffering that forces them to their knees, they discover a precious truth.

Hearts that stand strong in adversity not only become more capable of bearing up great burdens. They become more capable of withstanding the intense, overwhelming energy of pure joy - an emotion so powerful, it simply cannot be contained in a weaker vessel.

Marriage, through its many beautiful catastrophes, brings greater opportunity for pure joy than anything else - if you choose.

Choose to love. Pure joy, in all its stunning majesty, is not for the faint of heart.

The post 3 beautiful flaws that the longest lasting marriages have in common appeared first on FamilyToday.

How could being nice to your spouse ever hurt anything?

As poet, T.S. Eliot, wrote, "Most of the evil in this world is done by people with good intentions."

Here are three well-meant remarks that wind up wasting marriages:

1. The automatic "Yes, dear."

You love your spouse so much you'd do practically anything for him or her - no matter how much it grates on your nerves. In the face of disagreement, you're certain if you grit your teeth and force out a "yes, dear," goodness will prevail, all in the name of chivalry. That's how they did things in the good ol' days ... right?

While conceding to your spouse in some matters is a great way of avoiding needless arguments, avoid the role of the voiceless "yes man." Husbands and wives both need backbones to keep their marriages stable. Couples who continually forgo hashing out their grievances often put off the illusion of getting along, but unresolved disagreements and pent-up frustrations eventually take their toll, eroding intimacy as irritations fester.

Remember, marriage isn't for martyrs. It is for partners. Have a voice. Compromise. Agree to disagree - just do it lovingly.

2. Misguided or insincere praise: "You've never looked better" or "I loved it (cringe)."

Your wife spent six months after your first baby working her fanny off (literally), and you're a big fan of the results. In your excitement, you say something like, "Honey, you've never looked better!" Or, in sadder news, maybe hubby tried throwing you an adventurous romantic pass that fumbled. Disapproval would embarrass him and squash his romantic motivation, so when he asks your thoughts, you cringe and blurt out, "I loved it!"

In the first scenario, your sincere praise feels really good to your wife - as long as she's thin. But when baby number three comes along and the weight just doesn't come off like it did before, your once flattering comment haunts her as she mourns the death of the body you favored. In the latter scenario, insincere praise might leave you adding something to your romantic playbook that you'd rather have left out.

Consider your praise carefully. Are you setting the bar too high, dooming your spouse to a lifetime of trying to match or outdo old triumphs? Or are you setting the bar too low, dooming yourself to a lifetime of pretending to like something you don't?

3. The innocent insult: "I feel like you're..."

You've seen enough romantic comedies to know that good couples argue nicely by using "I feel" statements. They're called I-messages, and we often pair them with a practice called active listening - validating our partners by repeating back what they've said and expressing understanding. Often, however, we hear it go something like this:

Wife: "You haven't been helping me with the dishes. I feel like you're being inconsiderate."

Husband: "I understand. You're right. I'm sorry."

Then, the couple kisses passionately and walks, hand in hand, into the sunset ... Unfortunately, that's not how this pans out.

Just because you sprinkle a potentially insulting criticism with a sugary "I feel" doesn't mean your spouse will swallow it - and rightfully so. "I feel you're being immature" is really no less hurtful than "you're being immature." And while your spouse can understand you until you're both blue in the face, you'll notice that those dishes are still sitting in the sink, acquiring a lovely fur coat.

Use "I feel" statements appropriately - to talk about your emotions, not to label your spouse as unfair, silly or irresponsible. Instead, address specific behaviors that bother you, finding fault with actions - not your spouse's character. Remember, while understanding each other is a good starting point, the only true way to repair hurts is to take action!

Let your inner voice be heard. Praise your spouse in meaningful, non-intimidating ways. Avoid sneaky labels. And remember, those dishes won't wash themselves.

The post 3 nice things you should never say to your spouse appeared first on FamilyToday.

Years ago, my now husband had done such a good job at convincing me he'd never propose that, when he finally did, I couldn't believe it. Literally.

Down on one knee, mid-bridge over a babbling brook, birds practically writing our names in the sky on my BIRTHDAY "¦ I follow up his perfect, "I want you by my side forever," with my equally romantic, "Is this a joke?"

In my defense, the ring was still in hubby's pocket because - like the wonderful human being he is - he wanted the proposal to focus on our love ... I'm sure he would agree the whole thing was a vast success.

My point is, ladies, after a steady diet of "I love you, but I'm not ready to tie the knot," I understand how hard it can be for a woman to fit into her "patience pants."

I get it. It's enormously tempting to lose your cool as you wait for your boyfriend's feet to warm up, but now is not the time to get pushy. If you're currently having trouble fitting into your patience pants, here are three exercises that might help.

A disclaimer

Recognize the difference between "I love you, but I'm not sure I'm ready to get married" and "I love you - OK, maybe I don't." If your boyfriend is doing the hokey pokey and you're stuck pulling "he loves me, he loves me not" petals from innocent daisies, your relationship may not be old enough for marriage yet.

Can squeezing into your patience pants still help you? Sure. Patience pants look good on everyone. I'm just not sure I'd recommend them as an effective remedy for whiplash. If this scenario describes you, you might read this article instead. Assuming, on the other hand, you're in a loving, secure relationship, let's go ahead and get the most difficult exercise over with first.

1. Give your boyfriend space (Ouch. This one burns a little.)

I get it. Us girls want to believe that all men want is to look deep into our eyes every second of every day, breathing the same air back-and-forth forever and ever. But let's call em' like we see em,' girlfriend. Even though you may feel an itty-bitty pang of betrayal when your honey asks to spend Friday night with the guys, deep down, you know your man needs a little variation in his life - as do you.

If alone time makes you cringe, consider this. Both you and your partner have your own 'attachment styles,' ways you connect - or don't connect - with others. These emotional patterns, developed during childhood and formed throughout life, carry over into intimate relationships. If you and your partner have different personal space needs, it might be helpful to determine your styles of attachment. Once you understand how and why you are different, you can work toward a compromise.

2. Ditch the negative assumptions

Just because your boyfriend is not 100 percent sure about marriage yet doesn't mean he isn't in love with you. Sometimes, we females have a nasty habit of assigning motives to other's actions (or lack of action). Darn it all, we want reasons! Unfortunately, when we don't get any, we tend to make up our own. And we must delight in torturing ourselves because our logic usually goes something like this: "He's not proposing because he only really cares about his friends," or, "His mother hates me!"

Before you go about planning your future mother-in-law's unfortunate demise, let's analyze the facts. The truth is, you don't know everything that goes on beneath your boyfriend's devilishly handsome head of hair. If you've chosen to love a good man who makes you feel loved in return, it's not likely that a delayed engagement is coming from a hostile place. Assuming the best about your situation will make you feel happier now - no matter what happens in the future - and your boyfriend will recognize and deeply appreciate your positive vibes. Speaking of positivity"¦

3. Talk people up. This includes yourself!

We all know that ladies be lovin' the gossip. Sure, sometimes the occasional judgment or negative thought pops out of your mouth before you even realize it. You're only human. But if you find you've made a habit of backbiting, trash-talking, and judging, you might be scaring your honey off. When you criticize others, your boyfriend can't help but wonder how much you might criticize him in a few years when his devilishly handsome head of hair has transformed into a devilishly handsome combover.

Love on others, and love on yourself. As you compliment those around you, don't forget the woman in the mirror. You cannot expect your boyfriend to desire your hand if you don't even seem to love yourself. Show your honey what a catch you are - how confident you are in your beauty (inside and out). Remind him how good it feels to be around you, to hear you laugh, to receive your praise. After all, we believe what we hear repeatedly, so make sure your sweetheart hears good things from you, and make sure he hears them often.

While you should speak of your romantic future with faith and optimism, remember that marriage is an "invitation only" party. As much as you might like to, you can't nudge your boyfriend into marrying you. If you try to, you might find yourself alone. So, hang in there, sister. Change your environment, and come up for some fresh air from time to time. Assume the best. Love yourself. You look fabulous in those patience pants.

The post Get your boyfriend to propose in 3 easy steps appeared first on FamilyToday.

It's not often that a new Christmas song joins the ranks of our favorite Christmas classics. Sure, we enjoy the "newbies," but if we found ourselves stranded on a desert island with only one Christmas mix, we'd prefer to sip coconut milk to Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby.

Well, Cloverton's gorgeous version of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" looks like it's gearing up to be a must-have for our theoretical "desert island vacay." And while I could attempt to explain why, I'll just let you see for yourself.

Go on. Hit the play button...

"A Hallelujah Christmas:" Lyrics by Cloverton. Original song by Leonard Cohen.

"I've heard about this baby boy who's come to earth to bring us joy, and I just want to sing this song to you. It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift. With every breath, I'm singing 'Hallelujah. Hallelujah...'

A couple came to Bethlehem. Expecting child, they searched the inn to find a place, for You were coming soon. There was no room for them to stay, so in a manger filled with hay, God's only Son was born, 'Oh Hallelujah. Hallelujah...'

The shepherds left their flocks by night to see this baby wrapped in light. A host of angels led them all to You. It was just as the angels said. You'll find Him in a manger bed, Immanuel and Savior, 'Hallelujah. Hallelujah...'

A star shown bright up in the East. To Bethlehem, the wise men three came many miles and journeyed long for You. And to the place at which You were, their frankincense and gold and myrrh, they gave to You and cried out 'Hallelujah. Hallelujah...'

I know You came to rescue me. This baby boy would grow to be a man and one day die for me and you. My sins would drive the nails in You. That rugged cross was my cross, too. Still every breath you drew was 'Hallelujah. Hallelujah...'"

Let us find ways to remember the first and greatest Christmas gift ever given: the Savior of the world. This season, keep Him in your heart.

The post This Christmas version of ‘Hallelujah’ brings us to our knees appeared first on FamilyToday.

Getting ready for the holiday hullabaloo? Take a time-out to watch the Holderness family remind us all that the holidays are meant to be fun.

Last year, the Holderness family hit it big with their family "Christmas card" - a YouTube video called #XMAS JAMMIES which currently boasts almost 15 million views. It appears they've done it again this year with their newest video, a parody of Meghan Trainor's hit song, "All About That Bass," spun for Thanksgiving as "All About That Baste." The video has passed 2 million views in just three days.

Obviously, the Holdernesses have perfected their recipe for great entertainment: a lot of family togetherness, a lot of fun and, of course, gratuitous amounts of butter.

So, maybe your family isn't into making viral videos left and right. That's OK. Click here for ideas you can use to help your family catch the holiday spirit this year - and make sure to involve your extended family in the fun.

Remember that you don't have to "go big" to have an awesome holiday. If the thought of all the tinsel, lights and parties is enough to make your head spin, read "Tips to keeping your holiday stress free" for some ideas of how to keep your head on straight this season.

Whatever you choose to do this year, take a lesson from the Holdernesses: do it as a family, choose to have fun despite any unfavorable circumstances, and remember - butter makes everything a little better.

The post Watch one dad’s hilarious take on how to help in the kitchen this holiday appeared first on FamilyToday.

Handling a child's disobedience is not something that comes to us naturally. It is a skill that must be continually adapted. Often, it is a skill born of multiple missteps as we try management techniques that blow up in our faces.

Consider using some of the following ideas to help you on your parenting journey - and remember, practice won't make perfect (no parent is), but it will make things much better!

If your child often shouts or cries inconsolably...

Try a subtle approach. Begin speaking just a touch louder than your child so he can hear you. Then, as you speak, gradually lower your own volume, slightly slowing the pace of your speech. Many children (and adults, for that matter) will subconsciously become quieter to hear what you're saying and will match the volume and tone of your voice when they resume speaking. This is a great way to de-escalate heated words and calm both you and your child.

If your child "closes up" while discussing misbehavior...

Implement what education professionals call "wait time." Wait time is the awkward silence that follows any question a child doesn't want to answer. It ranges anywhere from a few seconds to several minutes, and though it can be uncomfortable for both the child and the adult, it is one of the most important parenting tools.

Wait time is not used to force children to speak; it forces adults to give children the opportunity to speak. Many of us pose questions to children, pausing only momentarily before answering our own questions or continuing our lectures. Understand that children often need a lot of time to collect their thoughts, especially when they are upset. Children also master the art of doing as little as they possibly have to. Why answer a question when they know you'll do it for them if they wait long enough? When you ask a question, show your child that you really do want an answer by waiting patiently for him to formulate his thoughts and feelings.

If your child resents rules or "kicks against the pricks..."

Avoid using words like can't and don't. Telling a child he can't do something often makes the negative behavior more alluring. Present rules in terms of what your child can do, and emphasize behaviors he should be doing rather than those he shouldn't. For example, the command "don't run" might become "walk carefully."

Always be specific, giving your child measurable standards so he doesn't become frustrated by what he perceives as vague expectations (his definition of clean is probably very different from yours). For example, you might rephrase, "You can't play on your phone because you didn't finish cleaning your room yet," to something like, "You can play on your phone as soon as you make your bed and hang up those T-shirts."

If your child says "no" when you ask for his cooperation...

Show him that you respect his right to choose between obedience and rebellion by outlining his options and explaining the consequences of each. Phrases like "you don't have a choice in the matter" not only breed bitterness and resentment in children, but they are simply not true. Your child can choose to make life easy, and he can choose to make life very, very hard.

Children respond well to love and to logic. Help your child feel respected by acknowledging his options. Define the consequences (both good and bad) of each option, and express loving concern by explaining that you want him to make the choice that will be best for him.

"If you clean up after your friends, I will be able to trust you with more parties in the future. But if you leave the house a mess, I won't be able to trust you to have friends over the next time you ask. It makes me happy to see you having fun with your friends in our home, so I hope you tidy up."

Of course, this method won't work unless you follow through with consequences, so only choose consequences you're willing to administer. Understand that your child won't always make the choices you'd have him make. In these cases, it is OK to express disappointment, but remember that anger, threats and sarcasm are always destructive.

If your child doesn't seem to take you seriously...

Consider things you might be doing to exacerbate the problem. Children smell bluffs from miles away and speak body language fluently. Never make promises (or consequences) you aren't going to honor. Face your child when you speak to him and pay attention to your posture. Though you don't want to intimidate your child, your body language should reflect that you are the parent. Try placing a hand gently on your child's shoulder and encouraging eye contact. Avoid the words OK and alright. "I need you to stop hitting your sister, OK?" or "Be home by 11, alright?" If you mean business, don't inadvertently ask your child's permission.

Try implementing the "five second rule for parents." If your child continues a negative behavior immediately after you've asked him to stop, it might be because he knows you're not really monitoring him. Don't tell your child to keep his hands to himself and then immediately turn your attention elsewhere. After correcting a behavior, try to maintain eye contact with your child for five seconds. While it may seem awkward, this gives your child an opportunity to acknowledge that he understands your expectations and sends a clear message that you're involved.

If you want your child's negative behavior to truly change...

Work toward a management routine that focuses less on punishing negative behaviors and more on reinforcing positive behaviors. While punishments momentarily discourage bad behavior, positive reinforcement helps instill within your child a desire to do good continually because he loves the way it feels to be praised and valued. As often as you can, reward your child for the things he does right, and remember that the best reward is your praise. Though your child may work very hard at making it seem like he doesn't care what you think, he cares a lot.

As you enforce rules, learn to expect your child to test each new boundary a few times. He's doing that because he wants to understand exactly where the boundary lines are. Children crave the security of consistent structure and routine. Clearly defining boundaries with your child will help him feel safe and will improve your relationship by allowing you both to better enjoy your time together.

The post 6 of the best behavior management techniques for your kids appeared first on FamilyToday.