As a master life coach for the past 16 years, I've discovered some ground-breaking people science that could drastically improve your marriage, but he following tips could also be used to help you become an amazing parent, friend or co-worker too.

When you understand another person on this level and work on these things, you can create a healthy relationship with almost anyone.

1. Know what your spouse values most

A large portion of human behavior is driven by what we value most. We believe there are four value categories to choose from. See if you can tell which one is true for your wife.

Some of us value people most

These people thrive with connection and hate to be alone. They need connection and communication and are almost always seeking companionship. They treasure and nurture relationships all the time.

Some of us value tasks most

These people wake early in the morning with a to-do list in hand. They are driven to get things done and can be workaholics. They feel a sense of value in the world from what they accomplish.

Some of us value things most

These are the artists, inventors and tycoons. They can be the beautiful models or successful businessmen, and they love beautiful, rich, amazing things.

Some of us value ideas most

These people have strong opinions, great knowledge and passion about principles. They can talk a lot about their ideas and get offended if you don't agree or do things their way.

2. Validate your spouse on those things

Everyone needs validation that they are appreciate, admired, respected and wanted. But the best validation you can give your spouse is validation around what they value most.

If they value people most, validate and praise their ability to connect with others and build great relationships. Notice how kind, compassionate, intuitive and friendly they are. Never make them feel inadequate because they don't like to be alone - it's just a beautiful part of who they are.

If they value tasks most, validate and praise their accomplishments, their know-how, their hard work and brilliance. Never make them feel inferior because they can't relax and are always thinking about tasks.

If they value things most, validate and praise their appearance, leadership skills, or inventions and brilliance. Notice what they spend time doing, building or creating and acknowledge the talent it takes to create it. Never make them feel inadequate because they are so focused on the things of the world.

If they value ideas most, validate their right to think the way they do. Acknowledge the time it takes to learn about what interests them, and praise their desire to do everything right. If you disagree with them, acknowledge their right to their opinions and still praise their commitment to their values.

3. Know what your spouse fears most

There are two core fears, and one will always be a bigger trigger.

Does this person fear failure most?

Are they deeply insecure about what other people think of them? Do they feel devastated when they get any negative feedback? Do they need a great deal of validation to feel they have any value?

Does this person fear loss most?

Do they often feel mistreated, taken from, worried or stressed? Do they notice when things aren't fair and tend to keep score? Do they get angry or upset when things don't go the way they want them to?

4. Once you understand your spouse's fear triggers, understand what they need most when they are triggered

If this person fears failure most, they need lots of validation that they have the same exact value as every other human being and no matter what they do, they will always be enough. Remind this person often that their value is not tied to their appearance, performance, property or the opinions of other people. If you need to give some feedback, start with a lot of appreciation and validation first and then ask if they would do this one thing different moving forward.

If this person fears loss most, they need lots of reassurance that things will be OK and that no one is trying to do them wrong. Remind them you are always on their side and it's you two against problems, not you two against each other. Remind them there is order in the universe and when things go wrong, they are still here to teach us something or benefit us in some way.

When you can pull them out of their fear reactions, they will feel more safe in the world, and they will behave much better towards you.

5. Work on your own fear triggers

Make sure you understand which of the two core fears is your bigger trigger. Your main job on this planet is to improve yourself and grow (not fix the other person). If you spent all your time working on not reacting to fear yourself and showing up in trust and love, all your relationships would be amazing.

Be constantly responsible for your own fear-driven behavior, low self-esteem and overblown reactions. Work on being more emotionally mature and respond to issues that trigger you with patience, wisdom and love. If you need some additional tools and skills to get here, seek out a coach or counselor to help you.

6. See the relationship accurately

If the main objective for our being on this planet is to grow and learn, then this relationship is your classroom and this person is your perfect teacher. They often teach you by pushing your buttons though, so you can see your weaknesses and fear reactions and work on them. Every day this person is probably giving you opportunities to practice, rise and become the person you are really meant to be.

When you see your relationship every day as YOUR classroom, you will stay focused on your own self-improvement, which is exactly where you need to be.

Understanding human behavior at this level will help you to be an amazing spouse and an amazing, wise and balanced human being.

You can do this.

The post 6 groundbreaking things that turn a good husband into an AMAZING husband appeared first on FamilyToday.

In this article, Coach Kim explains why we struggle with family conflict and how to make forgiveness happen so your family parties are more fun.

Question

I want you to address in a column what you do when family members aren't speaking. How do you tactfully handle family holiday parties when they refuse to be in the same place as each other, but you have to invite them both? One has issued an ultimatum that they want us to choose sides, which we feel is not the right thing to do. Is there any way to navigate these bad relationships or fix them? Please give us some advice.

Answer

Many people suffer from depression and anxiety around the holidays. Some have it because they have no family to be with, others have it because they do have family to be with. Family gatherings can be a real challenge if there is resentment, hurt feelings, and conflict between your guests.

We recommend you send this article to both parties and tell them you love and support them, and just want everyone to suffer less this holiday season. Explain that you have no judgment around this issue and totally understand how hard it is to deal with these conflicts, but you just want to help both sides heal.

I believe we are on this planet for one reason - to learn, grow and become better. Our main objective is to learn to love ourselves and other people at a deeper level. If this is true, forgiving would be the No. 1 most important lesson, and it's a challenging one too because our ego side really likes to hold onto judgment.

It's easy to love people who are kind and good to us. Loving people who hurt us is the challenge that pushes us and forces us to rise. It shows us the limits of our love and gives us the chance to stretch and grow them.

If you are going to change how you feel about an offense, you will need to learn to look at the situation in a new way. This article is going to help you do that. You may feel like you aren't ready, but "I'm not ready" is just an excuse we use when we can't articulate the real reason we don't want to forgive.

You must identify the real reason you are holding onto this offense and don't want to forgive it. Here are some possibilities:

• Do you think staying angry protects you from further mistreatment and forgiving would allow more of it?

• Is staying mad (and casting this person as the bad guy in your story) allowing you to avoid looking at your own faults, mistakes or pain? Sometimes it's less painful to be mad than it is to deal with your part in whatever happened. Do you need to see the other person as the bad one in order to feel good about yourself?

• Are you using anger and hurt as an excuse to keep people away from you, because you actually have issues with dealing with emotions and relationships, and you would rather avoid the whole thing? Is your anger justifying or giving you a reason not to process your emotions or learn better relationship skills, yet blame it on someone else?

• Are you waiting to see more shame and guilt on the other person before you can forgive? Do you feel like they haven't been punished enough?

Now, here is the truth about each of those:

• Staying mad doesn't protect you from further mistreatment. Good boundaries enforced with strength and love do. You can forgive and still be safe.

• You are here on this planet to work on fixing YOU, that should be your main focus. You must stop pointing fingers at others and work on growing, learning and becoming better and more loving yourself. That is your job.

• If you have issues around emotions you must stop avoiding them and learn how to process them in a healthy way. You must learn this so YOU can have a happy, rich, fulfilled life. Staying mad at others to avoid your feelings will never create happiness. Learning some improved relationship skills will also make your life better.

• Every day you have to choose if you would rather be right or happy. Your ego wants to be right, but it's the wrong choice. Choosing happiness is the way to go.

• Forgiving does not require that the other person be punished or repent first. If you wait for that you will only be hurting yourself and your family longer.

Here are a couple of principles that might help you to forgive and let go:

1. Remember none of us are perfect

This person did something wrong and it sounds like this was an especially painful wrong, but you aren't perfect either. You may not have made this mistake, but you have made others. You must remember that you are both imperfect, struggling students in the classroom of life, with lots more to learn, who both deserve forgiveness.

You don't want every mistake you ever made held against you forever. In order to feel forgiven for your past wrongs, you must give others the same.

2. You alone are responsible for the pain you are experiencing

No situation can cause you pain without your participation in it. Your thoughts and feelings are under your control and this means no one can take away your pain or give you pain. You alone have that power.

You must grasp the truth that you are in control of your thoughts and feelings. You can feel better right now if you want to. You don't have to wait until you feel ready to forgive. You can choose to be ready now.

3. The other person is guilty of bad behavior, but you both have the same infinite and absolute value

You both have the same value no matter how many mistakes either of you makes. This is true because life is a classroom, not a test, and our value isn't on the line.

That does not mean we can sit back and stop improving though. It means our lack of knowledge and need for improvement doesn't affect our intrinsic value. We have the same intrinsic value regardless of the amount of learning we still need to do. You want this principle to be true because you want it to be true for you.

4. Forgiveness happens best when you see yourself and others accurately

Forgiveness will happen when you see yourself and others as innocent, completely forgiven, struggling, scared, messed up, but perfect students in the classroom of life, with lots more to learn. Most of us think forgiving is about seeing people as guilty and then trying to pardon them for those mistakes. If you try to forgive this way it will never happen. You will still be hung up on the fact they are guilty. Forgiveness will never work when it's a gift undeserved.

Instead, let all the wrongs, pain and hurt on both sides of this be wiped clean of all selfish, fear-based, bad behavior. It is time to let go and accept divine forgiveness for both of you. Let the other person be a "work in progress" and don't crucify yourself or them for mistakes. Accept the gift of forgiveness and see life as a classroom where mistakes don't count against our value. We can just all erase them all and try again.

5. Forgiveness is the key to happiness and it is the only way to peace, confidence and security

This is universal law. The key to forgiveness lies in one very simple choice that you must make over and over every day. What energy do you want to live in? You have two options - you can live in judgment, blame and anger energy? Or forgiveness, peace and joy energy?

Judgment energy means you stand in judgment of others, condemning and crucifying them for past mistakes. If you choose this mindset, you are giving power to the idea that people can be "not good enough" and should be judged harshly, which will come back on you too. You will always struggle with your own self-esteem and this energy will feel heavy, negative and unhappy.

Your other option is a forgiveness energy. Here you choose to forgive yourself and others, and completely let go of every misconceived, stupid, selfish, fear-based mistake either of you has ever made. You choose to see these mistakes for what they really are, bad behavior born of confusion, self-doubt, lack of knowledge, low self-esteem and fear. In this place, you choose to see everyone as innocent and forgiven and let them (and you) start over with a clean slate every day.

If you choose this mindset, you will feel safe, loved, whole and good about yourself and this energy will be light, peaceful and happy.

The question is: How do you want to live?

Consider letting go of the past offense and showing up at the family gathering with nothing but love and compassion in your heart. This doesn't mean you have to be close to or deal with the other person, but it does mean treating them with respect, compassion and kindness. It means understanding that negative feelings hurt you more than they hurt them. It means choosing to focus on gratitude and being the love in the room, then on the past and casting blame.

You can do this.

The post 5 tips to survive family holiday gatherings appeared first on FamilyToday.

What do you do when you suspect your teenager is viewing pornography?

Many parents are nervous to bring it up, because kids often just deny it and get mad at you for thinking they would, creating distance between you and your child. However, it's a topic that can't go undiscussed. The secret to making these conversations comfortable, effective and connected is learning how to talk about pornography from a place of loving concern, not fear.

Have the talk early on

It's important you have conversations about pornography with all your school-aged children. Because of smartphones, studies show children are being exposed to pornography as early as eight years old. So, it must become a topic that is addressed often with all your kids.

It's also important that you don't make your child feel dirty, bad or ashamed. When approached with shame or embarrassment, a discussion about pornography becomes unproductive, combative and closed off. It is very important that your responses are based in love and wisdom, not fear.

Fear-based responses don't work, because they tend to be focused on making you feel better, more than on giving your child what he needs. But how do you not have fear when you are really scared for your child and their future?

You must learn how to get into a trusting state before you have these conversations. We recommend using these two principles to eliminate fear and bring love back into the picture:

Trust yourself

Trust your intrinsic value as a person and a parent. Also, trust that your child's worth and value are both infinite and absolute. No matter how many challenges arise, mistakes are made, or tempers are lost, you will always still have the same intrinsic worth as every other soul on the planet. You cannot fail as a parent and your child's value is secure no matter what choices they make. This life is a classroom, not a test.

Use life as a lesson

See the universe as a wise teacher that will always deliver the perfect lessons we need, exactly when we need them. There is order in the universe - you can trust your child that will eventually make harmful choices, but you can also trust that they can learn from these choices. Through it all, their value and your love will always be the same.

Speak with love

Remember, your teen is not a bad person because he has been viewing pornography. He is a normal person who has been exposed to porn because of natural curiosity, which should be approached with love.

Here is a love based way to speak to a teenager about pornography:

Before you approach them, set your agenda aside and be ready to ask questions and really listen to what they think and feel, without judgment.

Ask if they would be willing to chat with you for a minute (and if they are), ask questions about their views on pornography are and what they have been exposed to or heard about it at school.

Of course they aren't going to admit much and that's OK at this point. Listen and make them feel safe as they explain what they will share. Then, ask permission to share your views on pornography - "Would you ever be open to letting me share a liitle about what I have learned about it over the years?"

Share your side

Spend time calmly sharing why you feel pornography is damaging. Use all "I" statements and share why you have decided (for you) not to view it. Explain the ways you believe it damages real relationships and how viewing pornography now could actually make it difficult to have a good, healthy, intimate relationship with a spouse later on.

Admit that when you were their age you were really curious about sex and wanted to understand the whole thing, but in those days, you couldn't turn to a phone or computer for those answers. You had to get your questions answered by adults and peers who were willing to actually talk about sex. Let them know you would love to be that person for them and can discuss sex without making a big deal about it or making them feel bad for being curious. Give them a better option than turning to the internet.

Explain that curiosity is normal

Let them know that curiosity is normal. Explain why you don't view porn, because of the way it can change the way you see other people and why that's a problem. Explain how it creates unrealistic expectations around sex and can even become addictive. Share your values and why you have decided to avoid it.

Make sure your the number one goal is making sure your teenager knows you love them unconditionally and you are there for them anytime.

Even if you do a great job with the conversation it's not a guaranteed that your teen will not react in anger. Understand how this conversation can be awkward and hard for them (not to mention a bit embarrassing). Don't take any reaction your child has personally - a fear-based reaction from them is not about you. Just reassure your child of your love for them and reiterate how you are always there to talk anything through without judgement. Let them know you will always love them no matter what.

You can do this.

The post How to talk to teens about pornography appeared first on FamilyToday.

Hindsight is 20/20 they say, and it's funny how often at the end of a bad relationship, we wonder why we didn't see the red flags sooner. Were they there? Should we have see them? How did we miss them?

The truth is, we see what we want to see most of the time. At the beginning of any relationship, we are primarily looking for the good, especially if we want it to work out. We do this at work and in our personal relationships, but there are a few early warning signs it might help to flag when you see them. This may save you from unrealistic expectations and real disappointment. It might also mean protecting yourself and using some caution around people who could be toxic.

Here are five behaviors to watch for early in a relationship:

1. They speak ill of others and relish in gossip

If they are critical and judgmental of everyone around them, they will be critical and judgmental of you, too. People who focus on the bad in others usually suffer from a subconscious fear of failure themselves. In this state they find it temporarily makes their ego feel safer if they focus on the bad in others. If they cast others as the bad guy, it makes them feel like the better guy. Anyone who speaks ill of others on a regular basis has the potential to be trouble in a relationship. They may not have the self-worth and wisdom to be able to give the love and support you deserve.

2. Every situation is about them

If you notice that everything is about them, how they feel and how it affects them, you must label what you are hearing as "selfish focus." Again, people who have a fear of failure and low self-esteem are selfishly focused on themselves most of the time. If that is their focus, they won't be able to see situations from your point of view very easily. Just because someone is in this space one day, I would not write them off as toxic, but if it's a pattern all the time, make note of it as another red flag.

3. They're frequently upset and irrational

If someone gets triggered into an unbalanced upset state easily and often, and once their logic seems a tad off, that can be a big red flag. Mature, balanced people understand that feeling upset is a choice and nothing (or no one) can make you that way. You are in control of your choices, attitudes and behavior. You are responsible for how immature and over the top your frustration or anger gets.

We find some people tend to have over-the-top responses, drama and irrational thinking. This behavior is important to flag because one day it may be you they are upset at, and this immature behavior makes it difficult to talk things through and resolve them. If they aren't able to see things from another person's perspective, logically see what happened and why and talk about things without drama and emotion, they will have some unhealthy fighting behavior that could be directed at you eventually.

4. They don't trust you

There is a universal law that says we see the world as we are. This means anyone who doesn't trust you, accuses you of cheating, is dishonest or has ill intent might think you would act that way because they would. It's not true 100 percent of the time, but it is worth looking into. Those who would never be dishonest rarely are suspicious of others and are often taken advantage of. If someone is constantly accusing you or others of bad behavior, that could be a warning sign they aren't trustworthy.

5. Their moods and reactions are unpredictable

If you are never quite sure which version of this person you will get today and there is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde feeling to the two sides of their personality, that could be a red flag. Toxic people are often moody, unstable and even may have borderline personality disorder, one of the more difficult mental illnesses to deal with. These people rarely admit they have a problem and rarely seek the help they need to have healthy relationships. If a person is normally very calm, kind and rational, but on occasion has a blow-up that is way different from their normal personality, you might not really know them as well as you think.

When dating, starting a friendship or thinking of promoting someone at work, you want to make sure you see the other person in stressful, upsetting situations and watch how they cope first. Everyone behaves fairly well when things are going great. You don't see their unbalanced behavior until things get scary, unsettled or threatening.

Just keep your eyes open and don't be afraid to love some people from afar.

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Most of the couples we work with admit that intimacy continues to be the most challenging part of their relationship. We believe the one thing that creates the most disconnection and lack of intimacy in relationships is disappointment, and this is a big problem because we are all disappointed with our spouse and our marriage on occasion.

Disappointment is a problem because it creates fear of loss, which is the feeling of not getting what you wanted or having unmet expectations. With this comes resentment and a marriage where you don't feel safe. If you don't feel safe, you cannot give yourself to your spouse intimately in a connected way.

Here are four important principles that can help cure fear of loss and disappointment, so you can have a better connection in your relationship:

Principle 1: We are on the planet to learn and grow - not to have all our expectations met.

We are striving for happiness in life, but we must also understand the real purpose of this journey is growth and learning. Because of that, we are attracted to a person who can help us grow and learn, not a person who will make us blissfully happy every day. In other words, you marry your best teacher, and they teach you by pushing your buttons and triggering your fears - so you can see them and work on them.

You must start seeing your marriage as school with the goal to learn to love and understand another person, get past your expectations and practice being responsible for your own happiness. When you see your marriage accurately, you are more prone to focus on growth and experience less loss and self-pity.

Principle 2: In every moment there will be things in your life that aren't the way you wish they were.

You may have health problems, financial problems, a husband that struggles with selfishness, a leaky roof, a mean neighbor or a wife who is struggling with love and intimacy. When these situations show up, you might have feelings of misery, anger or self-pity. Your disappointment and frustration towards these "less than ideal circumstances" creates unhappiness.

What's important is that you recognize you are responsible for the amount you suffer with these. Your spouse and their issues cannot make you miserable. You are always in control of how miserable you decide to be. Of course, you will always do what you can to fix and repair situations you don't like, but you must also choose to focus on the positive around all the blessings you have, too. People who are grateful have better connection than those who feel cursed by life.

The questions you must ask yourself are: "What could this experience of lack be here to teach me? How am I supposed to become better, stronger or wiser through this in my life?" When you approach disappointments this way, you will step out of the victim mentality and into a place of growth. Connection and self-pity can't both happen; you will have to choose which you want.

Principle 3: In every moment of your life there are things you could be grateful for.

We understand that a lack of intimacy or poor connection is painful and disappointing, but if you step back and count your blessings and look at all the problems you don't have, you could also be really grateful. The truth is, in every moment of your life, some things will be good and others will be lacking. So if you can't focus on the good and be happy and grateful right now, you will never be able to. Or you could choose to happy and grateful all the time. It's up to you.

Principle 4: The secret to quality intimate connection is being the cure to their fear.

If you become the safest place on earth for your spouse, a place of encouragement, appreciation and admiration, they will feel a whole new level of connection with you and their interest in intimacy will increase.

If you often criticize, complain about or act disappointed in your spouse, they will pull away emotionally and connection will not happen. After working with hundreds and hundreds of couples, we promise that becoming your spouse's safest place works and quickly increases connection for most couples.

If it doesn't work for you, there are probably issues in your relationship around your spouse not truly wanting to fix it, and nothing can improve if one of you doesn't want to.

Buddha said, "Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." He meant that your situation does not determine your happiness. The way you choose to think and feel about your situation does. You have the power to be at peace right now. Then, from this peaceful place, validate your spouse and make them feel safe - great connection will follow.

We know this is a hard one - but you can do it.

The post Improve the connection and intimacy in your marriage with these 4 VITAL principles appeared first on FamilyToday.

Here is a list of common fears and how they may impact your relationships. Take your time and think about how each might be showing up in your life.

1. Do you fear failure (not being good enough)?

This fear is the root of low self-esteem, and we all have some of this, to some degree, every day. Low self-esteem is the main cause of relationship problems, because the insecurity it produces makes you needy for validation. That need for validation means you have an empty bucket and you expect your partner to fill it. You might even make your partner responsible for how you feel about yourself. This is a recipe for disaster, because he or she can't give you enough validation to fill your bucket when you are emptying it with negative thinking about yourself at the same time.

If this is a big issue for you, you are probably getting angry with your partner on occasion for not giving you what you need. This creates a rocky love life filled with disappointment and frustration.

2. Do you fear being rejected, left or abandoned?

You may fear this if you have experienced some loss in your past. Even if you lost someone to death, and it wasn't their fault, you may still subconsciously fear abandonment.

This fear can make you controlling, possessive and suspicious. You probably ask a lot of fear-based questions about what your partner is doing or where they are going. This shows a lack of trust (and is at some level an insult to your partner's character). If this goes on for a long time, you might create what you fear, because this behavior can push your partner away.

This fear of abandonment creates a relationship where fear is even driving your loving behavior, making it more clingy.

3. Do you fear not being perfect?

If you have perfectionism fear, you believe your value is tied to performance — meaning the way your house looks, the way your family behaves, the way you do everything in your life determines your value as a person.

With this belief driving your behavior, there is a lot of unnecessary stress and pressure behind everything you do. It also means that your need to feel good enough will come before everything else. You might even treat the people in your life like employees who work for you and are expected to follow your rules all the time. This can make you controlling and domineering at times.

This obviously damages relationships because people feel you care more about things, appearances and performance than you do about them. You can have everything perfect, exactly the way you want it, or you can have rich, connected relationships; but you can't have both. Eventually the people in your life will give up trying to meet your expectations and want out.

4. Do you fear not being loved or approved of by others?

This means you base your self-worth on what other people think of you. This can drive all kinds of bad behavior, depending on who you are trying to earn approval from.

If you are trying to earn validation from your spouse, you may become overly focused on managing their emotional state and feelings toward you. This could mean often betraying yourself, and constantly worrying about trying to be someone you're not.

If you are trying to earn approval from people outside your home, you may spend all your time and energy there and neglect your family. This can create resentment and damage the connection with those you love.

5. Do you fear not having control?

Being a "control freak" is all about fear. You subconsciously can't feel safe or peaceful unless everything is going the way you think it should. This can be poison in a relationship, because your need for control will trump your need for connection.

You will often mistreat the people in your life, especially if they aren't doing things the way you want them done. People will, again, feel you care more about things than you care about them. You might also be pushy or have anger issues when things aren't "right." If this shows up in your relationship, your love life is probably often in conflict and disconnected.

6. Do you fear being taken advantage of?

Our clients with this fear tend to be controlling and constantly on the lookout for anything that could be seen as mistreatment or disrespect. They often see mistreatment in everything, even when it isn't there. If this fear is present in your life, you are probably offended, angry or defensive much of the time. This can create a toxic relationship if you are constantly disappointed in or angry with your partner, who will feel insulted or attacked often.

If you want your love life to thrive, and for you and your partner to feel happy and safe, you must learn how to live from love, not fear. You must make sure your choices are love-motivated, and you are focused on making your partner feel safe, loved, admired, respected and wanted.

Remember that it is OK to seek professional help to confront subconscious fears that can wreak havoc in your love life. The right help can set you on the path to a happier, more love-filled life.

The post Think of what you fear most in your relationships and we’ll tell you how your love life is appeared first on FamilyToday.

If you've had an icky feeling of suspicion about your husband's infidelity, it can be hard to sort out whether it's parnoia or your intution warning you. Life coach Kim Giles tackles this topic and teaches how to know if something is up, or if you need to let that feeling go.

Question:

I love my spouse, but I don't trust him. He has never lied or been unfaithful that I know of; it is just a feeling I have. The last few weeks have been very hard for us because my distrust is causing problems. I am moody, unhappy and constantly grilling him about his secretary at work and other women he is around. What is my problem? Why can't I just trust him?

Answer:

The question is, "Is this feeling of distrust your intuition, or are you projecting your fear (of not being good enough or your fear of loss) onto your spouse?" If your fears are unfounded, you need to work on your self-esteem and choose trust, but you better make sure this nagging feeling isn't your intuition first.

Studies have shown that 85 percent of women who have a gut feeling that their partner is cheating turn out to be right. Most of the time your gut feelings are highly reliable and worth paying attention to, but your subconscious fears can get in the way and muddle these messages, too. So you must learn how to tell the difference.

Intuition differs from fear in that an intuition message is usually a peaceful one that prompts action, while fear tends come with feelings of anxiety and stress that can paralyze you (like a deer in the headlights) and stop you from action.

Intuition is also more unemotional and based in the moment, while fear feels emotionally charged and focused on the future. Fear is also usually tied, at some level, to experiences you had in the past. If you were cheated on before or were raised to distrust men, you might bring those feelings with you into new relationships. These things could make fear a more likely suspect.

Most people who get an intuition feeling describe it as a quiet knowing, while people who are experiencing fear are more bothered and grouchy. This is not the case 100 percent of the time, but it's a pretty good tell.

I believe your gut can tell you if your feelings are founded in fact or not, if you really listen. You may want to try the following test and see if it brings clarity:

Make the decision that you are going to trust your husband from now on. Assume your distrustful feelings are based in your fears of inadequacy or abandonment. Then, spend the next few days fully committed to trust, working on your self-esteem, reading some books on the subject, and talking to a counselor or coach about overcoming your fears of not being good enough. During this time, see how you feel about your decision. If you feel peaceful and calm, you are on the right track and there was nothing to fear. But, if the feeling of warning won't go away and continues to nag at you, you probably need to pay attention to it.

I had a client who had a quiet knowing her husband wasn't faithful for years, but didn't act on it because she lacked confidence. She recently found out he'd been cheating on her for 20 years. Now, we are working on her self-esteem so she will trust herself in the future.

Having said that, I have another client who let her fear of abandonment that she'd had since childhood create a fear of cheating in her marriage that was completely off base. After years of being questioned and second-guessed, her poor husband finally asked for a divorce. This woman didn't believe she was worthy of love, and in the end, her fear pushed love away.

To make sure subconscious fears are not clouding your perception of your husband, ask yourself how often you suffer with insecurity or a fear of not being good enough. If this is a big issue for you, or if you have felt unloved, unwanted or unappreciated most of your life, there is a good chance that you are projecting fears onto your spouse.

If this is the case, you must do some work on your self-esteem. Once you can see yourself as amazing, lovable and valued, you will be better able to hear your intuition and know what's true about your husband.

Most of the time it is better to choose love and trust your partner, though. If you choose to trust your spouse and make him feel loved, cherished and wanted every day, and he ends up cheating, it will be his fault and his loss. He will carry the responsibility for wrecking the relationship. But, if you choose to assume the worst of him and live with distrust, fear and suspicion and he doesn't cheat, it will be you who wrecks the relationship.

I believe trust and love are usually the best answer.

Besides, seeing the absolute best in someone can often push him or her in that direction. If your husband thinks that you think he is wonderful, kind, honest and loving, he will often try to live up to that. But if you think he is dishonest and sleazy, he might as well be that.

Tell your husband how wonderful he is and make sure he feels loved and wanted every day. People who feel adored, wanted and cherished usually don't cheat. There are exceptions to this rule, of course. There are some situations where loving people who are fully invested in their relationship and are still rejected or cheated on, but they are the exception not the rule. Some of us marry people who are incapable of being honest and committed. If you are in one of those relationships, getting out is your best course of action.

I recommend you choose to be fully engaged in giving love, support, appreciation and affection to your spouse; work to improve your self-esteem; and fully commit to seeing the absolute best in your partner instead of the worst. If you try this for a while and something still feels off, listen to your gut and follow it.

You can do this.

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