It took me about 15 years to realize that I was carrying emotional baggage. It likely came to my attention when I realized that my family relationships were pretty rocky, and that I was, in all seriousness, a terrible dater and couldn't get any guy to stay in a relationship with me.

A lack of being able to open up and freely express how I felt plagued me. I didn't understand how some people weren't afraid to open up and express themselves.

My mom encouraged me to seek a counselor to work through my feelings to help me progress.

After seeing a counselor, I realized that my parents' divorce had affected me in ways I didn't even recognize. For example, it affected the way I interacted with people and the way I saw myself.

My counselor helped me realize that although these were things to work through, it wasn't my fault that I had these fears.

Here's some of what I learned about myself:

1. I have a hard time trusting men

I wish I didn't, but I always feel like they have an ulterior motive. Try always having this feeling in the back of your mind and then date someone — it doesn't work.

2. I avoid confrontation

Because my parents didn't get along, I didn't know that it was healthy to talk about things; because whatever they talked about always ended in a fight. I didn't realize that different opinions are OK to have, and don't have to strain a healthy relationship.

3. I fear everyone is going to leave me

This has been one of the hardest consequences I have had to deal with. I have this irrational fear that all the people I hold close are going to disappear. When I start to feel some distance between myself and a friend, I go into a panic that they are going to leave. I feel the need to constantly check in with them that things are OK between us.

4. Words of affirmation and gifts mean a lot to me

Because my dad wasn't home a lot, he showed his love to me through gifts. And because my mom worked so hard to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table, she showed her love to us through words; because at the end of the day, that's usually all she had to give.

5. I have a hard time believing in myself and am scared to try new things

A father's support plays an important role in a child's self-esteem. Without my dad encouraging me to try new things, I was terrified to do so. For example, I never learned how to play sports, and now sports activities give me anxiety.

6. I worry about dynamics at big events

I stress about things like, "How are Mom and Dad going to act together? Are things going to be awkward? How much time do I spend with each of them?"

7. I live in an unhealthy panic that things are going to fail

My parents' marriage failed; what if mine does too?

8. Money is very important to me, and is a way I show people that I love them

We didn't have a lot of money growing up. My mom taught piano lessons and paid the mortgage from child support. I learned the value of earning money and being responsible in order to pay for things like extracurricular activities and school lunch.

9. For a long time the word "dad" had a very negative connotation to it

The word "dad" would make me cringe. I associated it with the dark feelings I felt inside as a little girl.

Having received help and looking at this list now, I have been able to overcome a lot of these misconceptions, and feel much more secure in my relationships. It took meeting with a counselor, reading books and spending a lot of time with people who loved me to overcome these things.

As you read them, you may realize that you struggle with some of these same things. The first step in overcoming them is to recognize them in yourself. Don't give up and keep pressing forward; you can be happy in a relationship.

The post 9 ways I didn’t realize my parents’ divorce affected me appeared first on FamilyToday.

Have you ever felt like you broke up with someone even though you weren't even in a legitimate relationship or you hadn't even had a single good conversation with him? Sometimes we get so excited about the idea of a relationship or the idea of a person that we end up experiencing a lot of very unnecessary heartache. To avoid the cruel reality of breaking up before you're even together, avoid doing these five things:

1. Don't Facebook stalk him

Before you really know someone, you can create a completely inaccurate picture of him in your mind (for better or for worse). There is nothing wrong with using Facebook to connect with people, but save yourself a lot of judging and refrain from excessively stalking him before you actually get to know him.

2. Don't talk to your friends about him

When you are constantly talking about a person that you don't really know, you are falling for the idea of this person, and not who he really is. It's OK to mention to your friends that you are interested in a guy, but don't play with your mind by imaging who you think he is. Instead, use that energy and work on yourself so you can feel confident actually talking to him.

3. Don't wait until you really like someone to ask them out

If you wait and only ask someone out when you are super interested, chances are you won't be able to be yourself. You'll be too caught up finding the tidbits that line up with your Prince Charming vision that you'll miss who he really is.

If you have even a sprinkle of interest, ask him to go get a milkshake and end the date shortly after. You don't have to drag anything out if the date isn't going well, but by initiating things slowly, you have the chance to see a friendship (or maybe even a relationship) blossom.

4. Focus on dating as a time to create and cultivate friendships

Dating is meant to be a casual opportunity to get to know someone better, so don't take it too seriously. Saying yes to a date is not saying yes to steady dating - it's saying yes to a committed amount of time, just once. Don't overthink it. Go on a date to have a good time and to get to know someone; don't use dating to pin them down and see right then and there if they are marriage material.

Go into each date determined to have a good time and to make a friend, then if it goes better, what a blessing! If it doesn't, you've got another friend who could potentially introduce you to your future spouse.

5. Be 100% authentic

If you are trying to impress a guy by being someone you are not, you're lacking honesty ... something any relationship needs. When it comes to dating (and life in general) your goal is to find someone who loves YOU - not a man who is impressed by the someone who you are trying to be. When you are yourself and confident in that, you will attract the right man.

It's easy to put the cart before the horse when we meet someone who seems really great, but resist the urge to push the relationship in the wrong direction. Before you do anything else, talk to this man and get to know him in person. As you get to know him, you will really learn if he is someone worth pursuing or someone who is meant for someone else.

The post 5 ways to avoid heartbreak before you’re even in a legit relationship appeared first on FamilyToday.