All too often when parenting issues come up with my clients there is one main underlying problem. We start out addressing issues of disobedience, arguing among siblings, lying, tantrums - just to name a few favorites - but it all comes back to the same thing.

So, what's the problem? An underlying thought, belief, or fear that you are a crappy mom.

As a mom of 3 I'm not immune to this thought, but thankfully I'm equipped with the tools to see what's going on in my head (and redirect my brain).

Yesterday I was feeling a bit vulnerable - I was tired and facing a personally challenging situation. We were visiting family and my kids were the only ones fighting. Yes, the only ones. Like cats and dogs.

Because I was feeling vulnerable I didn't see the fighting for what it was. Instead I started to make it mean that I was a crappy mom. For those of you who have had that fear of inadequacy and failure as a parent sink into your gut - you know the feeling. I was so mad. Furious actually. I had to put a stop to this and show them this was not okay. I was determined"¦ I may have been a crappy parent up to this point, but NOW I was putting my foot down!

Here's how this usually plays out:

1. Kids do something they shouldn't do

2. You start to blame yourself and think you must be a crappy mom (p.s. you may not notice these thoughts"¦ but you'll notice the feelings below"¦)

3. You feel inadequate, angry, shameful, or like a complete failure

4. You lose it. You might cry or yell - depending on your flavor of "losing it."

5. You have just proven to yourself that you are a crappy mom. After all, if you were a good mom would you really fall apart like that?

Notice that you can insert a million different things into "something they shouldn't do," and the rest is all the same. You see, it's not really what your kids are doing, but how you are THINKING about what they are doing that creates the experience for you (and usually exacerbates the problem).

How you think about your child's behavior is really important to understand. The way you think about their behavior can be the difference between being effective, relaxed and confident or being ineffective, stressed out and discouraged.

Let's see what might happen in this same situation when someone has a different pattern of thinking:

1. Kids do something they shouldn't

2. You think he/she is going through a phase.

3. You feel curious about how you'll get through it or how to help them.

4. You do a trial and error of solutions. It's all an experiment with the best of intentions.

5. You make it through. After all, it was just a phase.

The circumstance was the same; however the thoughts and feelings created a completely different outcome and experience for you.

So, here's your starting point, mom - start to notice how you think about your child's misbehavior. If your thoughts about it create worry, anger or shame, you probably need to reassess your thinking.

How can you think about misbehavior instead? Can you get curious? Can you think of times you've had great success as a parent and apply it? What natural consequences might your child experience?

Curiosity is my favorite way to problem solve. Curiosity always opens my mind to new solutions and relieves the sense of doom and gloom.

It's also a good idea to remind yourself of all the ways you are a great mom. Sometimes we have to talk ourselves down off the ledge - honestly, think of all the sleepless nights, the selfless acts and all that you have taught your kids. Being hard on yourself is not noble, it's really just indulging in emotions of self-pity, and it's not useful.

Keep in mind, the only perfect thing about motherhood is that it was never meant to be perfect to begin with. It's all a journey - your journey as much as it is your kids. You're in it, and you won't quit - that's success in my book - keep at it mom!

The post Confessions of a crappy mom appeared first on FamilyToday.

Does your home or office feel like a collection of unfinished tasks? For me, both spaces often felt that way. Until I decided to change things.

If you often feel overwhelmed, or think that your to-do list is never ending, keep reading... especially if you (like me) can be easily distracted.

Take a minute and see if this sounds familiar:

You are walking through your house. Every few steps, do you find that you are taking a mental inventory what you should add to your list of to-do's? "Remember to organize that shelf.... Oh, I think those need to go to the dry cleaner....Did that appointment get scheduled? Geez, the garage is getting messy again, I'll have the kids clean it up."

You might think you are multitasking or just covering your bases. The truth? You are cluttering your brain, which leads to less effective work and actually makes you feel more frazzled.

Your schedule may be hectic and you feel like you are always busy, but are you actually productive with your time? This kind of unstructured "task inventory" habit is the killer of effective time management and the birth child of "not enough time in the day."

Avoid "busy but not productive" pitfalls by using this simple two-step change:

1. Rewrite your schedule

Create a time of day, or day of the week to take a "task inventory." During this time you can go through and assess exactly what needs to be done and what your priorities are. Write this down. Once you have established what must be done, find time within your schedule to get that project done. Make sure you are managing your time well, and are making realistic goals.

2. Rewire your brain

This second point takes serious commitment but is well worth it. DO NOT ALLOW your brain to think about extra tasks.

This is the most important (and often most challenging piece of the efficiency puzzle).

When you are intentional about your time and commit to focus on your scheduled task, it's much easier to ignore doing other jobs (like organizing the junk drawer) on a whim. I'm not saying you shouldn't make time to clean the junk drawer out, but make sure you don't let yourself justify doing other tasks during this time.

Setting aside time to take inventory and consciously focusing your attention will keep your brain from becoming a junk drawer of swirling thoughts. Can you relate?

When we are not intentional about our thoughts, time and energy, we are not living an intentional life. When you are intentional, days are successful, goals are achieved, and it becomes simple to find fulfillment along the way.

If you are ready for less frazzle in your day, commit to this simple strategy. Better yet, share this mentality with a friend and keep each other in check.

A version of this article appeared on mollyfreestone.com. It has been republished here with permission.

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You probably didn't end your marriage on a whim. Maybe it was years in the making, or maybe it happened suddenly and the rug was pulled right out from under you. Whether divorce was a long process or happened quickly, as soon as the last paper was signed, you were probably ready to get far away from your ex.

While getting away from a dysfunctional, hurtful or contentious relationship may be the first thing on your list, did you know that there are actually some risks to pushing away your ex? It feels so natural to finally say good riddance, but you may want to consider a different perspective and think about the benefits of continuing that relationship.

Here are a few things you may want to consider:

1. You don't want your kids to feel the need to pick sides

Children of divorce are sometimes caught up in adult problems. The last thing you want to do is make it worse for them by placing the burden of picking sides on their shoulders. Kids will feel partly responsible for divorce, and they can also tend to feel the responsibility to help mom or dad feel better. If they sense that you are "against" each other, they will feel the need to pick sides, and will sometimes fear that they are hurting the other parent.

Maybe you are thinking, "But, I want them to be on my side." This may feel good to you at first, but take into account that this adds extra burdens, pressure and upset to your kids. Feeling better at the expense of your kids - I doubt that is what you had in mind.

Instead, be on the same team with your ex - your children's team. Let your children know that it's good that they want to be with mom, and with dad. They should feel completely free to love both of you equally.

2. You don't want to repeat the same bad relationship

Relationships tend to repeat. No matter how difficult your spouse may have been, there is a part that you played in it. Someone may say that their spouse was angry and difficult. How did that effect you? Did you feel at fault? Was it hard for you to think you were disappointing someone?

No matter what the problems were, you were a part of the dynamics of the relationship. You can embrace the opportunity to continue to learn and understand where the problems were in your relationship. I'm not suggesting that you need to stay best of friends. But be open to understanding, so that you can be a new person, ready for a new and healthier relationship in the future.

3. You want to honor your true self

Do you want to be someone that pushes people away? Someone that contributes to a contentious situation? If you allow your ex's behavior to dictate your behavior, then you are not honoring your true self. Are you someone who lives with integrity and treats people kindly? If so, why would you compromise your own integrity? Besides, if there are kids involved, then the best possible situation for them is one free of contention. You can't control what your ex does, but you can choose to bring peace to the situation, to honor yourself and to give that gift to your child.

4. You may deny yourself of the best feeling

One of the best feelings we can have is unconditional love. And guess what? That is always an option. I know you might think this sounds crazy, but I work with my clients to find and feel unconditional love for even the most difficult people in their lives.

Who benefits the most when you feel love for someone? You. This does not mean that you have to like or condone bad behavior. It does not mean that you don't set boundaries that protect you physically and emotionally. It certainly doesn't mean that you are a doormat. Being a doormat happens when you allow someone else to "make" you choose anger or resentment. If you want to be strong and courageous, take responsibility for how you feel. Work to find feelings of love for your ex. I find that compassion for what someone else struggles with is a great starting point for this. Love is always the best option.

Divorce is not an easy situation for anyone, but you don't need to add extra misery to it. The work doesn't end once you are divorced. You will continue to work to make things great for your kids, understand how to be a good partner, live with integrity and find love for even the most difficult people in the most difficult circumstances. Take the high road - life is much brighter up there.

The post The danger in pushing away your ex appeared first on FamilyToday.

I hope you are sitting down. I am going to teach you a CRAZY concept that you are going to hate. Everyone hates it when they first hear it.

If you have any challenging relationships in your life, listen up. This post is for you.

This applies to ANY type of relationship, but for the sake of simplification we are going to take an example of a woman ready to leave her husband.

My client really wanted her family life to be great, but early on in her marriage things weren't going exactly as she had expected. The couple continued trying to work through things. They had a couple of kids, a few moves, and a few job changes. After more than ten years of trying this, that, and everything under the sun to improve the relationship, she was at the end of her rope.

She felt disrespected, unloved and unhappy. She was also extremely frustrated with the relationship dynamics between the kids and their father. She decided she no longer wanted what her marriage had to offer, and she was FINISHED.

After presenting so much evidence that this was the best thing for her, she was less than thrilled with me when I told her she needed to LOVE HER HUSBAND before she could leave him.

Wait, what? Yes. If you are ready to leave your husband, quit your job or end a friendship - FIRST, love them unconditionally.

I know what you might be thinking. If I love them, why would I leave them? Well, there are a lot of reasons. You don't have to hate a person or a job in order to decide they are not good for you.

Let's take my client. Pretend she leaves her husband while she is angry and frustrated. Will she ever resolve her issues with him? Does she want to have contempt for the father of her children?

Wouldn't it be better if she felt compassion and love for him so she could have positive interactions with him?

Like her, you may be thinking, "It's not possible for me to love this person (or job), and I don't want to anyway."

Here is what I want to offer you:

1. Yes, it is possible for you to LOVE anyone. You may not particularly like someone's personality, but unconditional love - the kind that offers compassion and understanding - is always an option.

2. Making peace with a contentious situation is the BEST way to leave a situation. When you are making a decision from a place of peace rather than frustration, you will have CLARITY in your decision. Most importantly, you will feel certainty and have no regrets.

3. Relationships tend to repeat. The dynamics in your current relationship are likely to be repeated. If you can resolve those issues now and work through them before moving on with your life, you are on the road to a better and more fulfilling relationship or job in the future.

So, if you are ready to leave 'em, first you need to love 'em. While it can be a challenging process, it's one that is worth it.

Maybe you'll end up staying, and maybe you will go. Either way, you will have resolved things with peace and clarity. Isn't that the best way to lead your life?

The post The shocking thing you have to do before leaving your marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

I have an awesome client who, despite being generally lazy and unmotivated, was able to complete three triathlons. No, I am not exaggerating.

I am so thrilled to be his life coach and love to watch him succeed. So, let's start from the beginning...

The Story

I started working with him because he wants to start his own business in the next couple of years. His fears about success included the "fact" he is a generally lazy and unmotivated person. He explained to me he needs a fire under him or great incentives in order to stay motivated.

Immediately when I heard this, I knew what his problem was - he was human. He was so human that something had to matter to him in order for him to accomplish it. (Note the heavy sarcasm.)

So how did I, as his coach, work with him to help him complete such an incredible feat as 3 triathlons? I didn't. This is the best part. My lazy client had completed these races because they mattered to him long before I ever became his coach.

His only problem was he believed his thoughts that said he was "lazy and unmotivated." Do you believe everything you think? If so, you might want to stop doing that.

The Key

Thoughts are just that - thoughts. His thoughts about his "laziness" became a belief to him. This belief created fears and acted as a barrier to what he wanted to accomplish.

Are there different levels of motivation in different people? Or, are some people just better at understanding their motivation? Guess what, it really doesn't matter. If anyone in your family wants to be more motivated, successful, or anything else - they have the ability to make that happen.You have the ability to change you.

What thoughts have you chosen to believe about yourself, and how are they helping or hindering your success? How are they affecting your family life?

I hear self-limiting beliefs often from those seeking to improve their home life, such as, "I'm just not cut out to be a mom." Or "I'm just not a patient person." Just because something is challenging for you, doesn't mean that it isn't "meant to be" or that you cannot improve in any area that you want to.

Being a coach is the best job in the world because I get to help people discover what is ALREADY great about them. I don't give them what I have; together we discover what they have.

I help my clients see their mind and what is really keeping them back from what they want. We take the best parts of them and allow them to surface and be amazing.

If you are a mom, you probably base a lot of the negative beliefs about yourself on what you think you are "supposed" to be like as a mom. You are your kid's mom for a reason. It's not about being someone else - it's about being you. The best version of you to be exact.

Your Challenge

What negative beliefs do you have about yourself that act as a barrier to what you want or who you want to be? More importantly, are you willing to CHALLENGE those beliefs? Find out if they are really true, test them, and see if there is another (more powerful) perspective.

Are you really willing to let a thought keep you from becoming a better you or from your next great achievement?

Visit this story on my site by clicking here and leave your comments - I'd love to know what self-limiting beliefs you may have, and how you plan to THINK differently.

The post How my lazy client became a triathlete appeared first on FamilyToday.

This week in my neighborhood there has been an extraordinary amount of bunny poop on the sidewalks. For several days during my walks, I would stare at the ground, careful to avoid stepping in it.

The Poop

On a mother-son walk last night I told my teenager, "Watch out for the poop!" He told me he always does, but as we walked, and I was flawlessly avoiding it, I could see that it was not his biggest concern. Just like a typical teenage boy, he stepped on a little here or there and wasn't too concerned.

I tried not to cringe and made sure he left his shoes outside.

On today's morning walk, I realized that for the past few days I had been staring at poop. I certainly didn't want to step in it, so I was diligent in watching my step. A funny thing happens when all you do is stare at the poop; in an effort to avoid it, you end up focusing everything you have on it - perhaps missing everything else the walk has to offer.

The Scoop

I want you to visualize for a minute some pebbles of bunny poop on the sidewalk. Compare the size of it to the size of the sky, the trees, the people walking around you and everything else in your sight. It's tiny. However, if you are constantly staring at it - it's all you will see.

In motherhood, we want so badly to do a great job with our kids. We want to avoid the stinky mistakes of motherhood at all costs. Maybe we even teach our kids to avoid the smelly pebbles of mistakes. The problem is, if you focus on all of the poop in life, it really STINKS.

The lessons buried in a pile of mistakes

The fear of mistakes plagues mothers and robs them of peace and joy in motherhood. Being a mom is a much more enjoyable experience when you can accept that your shoes WILL get a little dirty with mistakes. Guess what? You can wash them.

If there is a really big mud puddle on the sidewalk, of course, you will focus on avoiding it. But then, lift your head and be a mom who makes mistakes every day.

If you are TRYING, you are making mistakes. If you are succeeding, then you have also failed. Success cannot exist without failure. Failure is how we learn, grow and improve and ultimately how we succeed. The less we fear failure, the more we can allow it to happen. The more failure happens, the more SUCCESS you will experience.

The post To the mom staring at poop all day: you’re failing motherhood appeared first on FamilyToday.

I know you have done it. The only question is, what is your favorite hiding place? For me, chocolate chips in the pantry always seem to be an easy fix. So handy and so small that no matter how many you eat, surely it can't spike your blood sugar, right?

Most likely you are not hiding and locking yourself in a confined space with chocolate because you lack self-control.

You are responding to an emotional need or hunger you have. Before you panic, don't worry, I'm not going to tell you to quit eating chocolate. In fact, for PURELY medical purposes, I fully support a little dark chocolate every day.

My hope is to spark some curiosity in you.

Perhaps you can use that moment of desperation as a clue that some of your emotional needs are not being met. Many people joke about "eating your feelings," but it's true.

Emotions are vibrations in the body and the overwhelmed, tired and desperate type of feelings do not feel good. Your emotional need for peace, or whatever feeling you desire, is easily distracted by that chocolate. Not to mention, it's delicious.

However, if hunger is not the problem, then food is not the solution. Too bad, I know. It would be so much easier.

You take care of everyone around you, please don't leave yourself behind. I know you will say there is no time for it. You might even say it's impossible. If you had a broken leg, would you say it was impossible to make the time to take care of it?

It's easy to dismiss emotional distress or breaks, but make no mistake about it, they are every bit as important as physical ones. Many would argue they are even MORE important. Not to mention there are connections between poor emotional health and physical health problems.

So, think about it. Do you need to adjust your schedule to make sure your needs are being met? If your emotional needs were met, would it make a difference?

Would it have a positive impact on you? Your family? Your job? Your life? If the answer is yes, then wouldn't it be worth it to make it happen?

If you are ready to go out on a limb and commit to taking care of yourself, here is a challenge for you. I have made a decision that I am going to set an appointment for myself every day.

For me, I have chosen some music that brings me peace and resets my brain. I'm going to listen to it. Alone. Without doing dishes while I listen. Without responding to emails. Just me, a comfy spot, maybe some sunlight, or maybe a dark room. My soul needs to have some calm. It needs to rejuvenate. My brain needs it, too.

What about you? What would rejuvenate you?

Time with a friend? A nature walk? Meditation? Think about the emotional needs you have and what might be the right solution. Then, commit to it.

Schedule it in just like an appointment. Not just any appointment, but the kind that charges a fee if you miss it. I'm serious - who wants to miss those?

Thanks for sharing your time with me. Now go and enjoy a little dark chocolate while you book a few appointments. I'd love to hear your comments below about what YOU are committing to. Also, please share any successes you have had with effective self-care.

The post What is your secret chocolate stash actually saying about you? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Toddlers wake up early, fight naps and beg for "one more drink of water" at bedtime, while many adults find themselves craving caffeine just to survive the day.

I'm all for parenting survival techniques, but what if we CAN actually learn from toddlers and harness a little bit of that fantastic energy? Toddlers are on the right track when it comes to a joyful life. Let's take a look at 3 things your toddler can teach you about experiencing more vitality.

1. Curiosity

The sometimes exhausting questions toddlers ask are a secret to their zest for life. The world is a new adventure for them every single day. Rain, sounds, textures, foods - they are constantly discovering things about their world. No wonder my kids would pop their eyes open way before the sun. If you had amazing discoveries in your life every day, you might find it hard to sleep too!

So, how curious are you? Do you invest time and energy in personal development? Do you take classes, try new hobbies or visit interesting places? Sometimes we are so focused on getting a diploma, that we forget how enriching and beneficial learning is. The demands of life squash our desire to discover. Become a student of life. Constant learning is exciting and energizing.

2. Relationships

Toddlers usually have an extremely close relationship with their mom, dad or both. Think about the kisses, squeezes and intense expressions of love. That relationship is everything to them. As adults we don't want a dependent relationship the same way we did when we were children, but intense expressions of love are powerful forces.

Do you express your love to those who matter most to you? Do you love intensely? This requires vulnerability, which gets harder as we get older and have more painful experiences. The love we experience when we invest in deep connections provides a more fulfilling life.

3. Feeling emotions

Tantrums. Tears. Squeals of delight. Screaming. There is no doubt about it - toddlers are emotional beings! When they are upset, they react, feel the feeling and work through the issues that they are facing. We help them feel these feelings, problem solve and move forward.

As adults we get to be emotionally responsible, and hopefully not so reactive. The problem comes when we don't ALLOW ourselves to feel our feelings completely and see them through. Men in particular are conditioned to believe that feelings are a sign of weakness, so they stuff them down and don't show any signs. Sometimes rather than feeling anger through and resolving, we hold on to a grudge. Another phenomenon is that we resist feelings, which creates anxiety. We don't like the negative feelings, or maybe we are afraid of how we will react. Instead we tend to resist, and they stay trapped.

What if we could pay a little more attention to how we feel and not be afraid to feel the unpleasant emotions? Feeling them and working through them is a healthy way to live. Trapped feelings weigh you down, which can be energy sucking.

What do you think? Does your sleepless, emotional, clingy toddler have some words of advice for you so you can "bottle that energy?" Perhaps these are the reasons they never run out of energy (and why WE never seem to have enough!)

Think about small ways you can include some of these practices to rekindle your zest for life. Curiosity, love and emotional health will do much more for you than a caffeine fix (and it's a lot more fun too).

The post Does your toddler have the secrets to increasing your energy? appeared first on FamilyToday.

If you are defending yourself, you are likely trying to protect yourself from harm. But the question is, what harm and who is causing it?

Let's talk about WHO the enemy is in this fight, who started the war, and how to end the battle.

Who is the enemy?

Shame.

Anytime we feel the need to defend ourselves, it is because somewhere inside of us shame is lurking and waiting to attack. Shame convinces you there is something wrong with you.

That you have something to be ashamed about.

That you are not as worthy as someone else.

Anyone who feels the need to attack someone is trying to divert away from their own shame. Likewise, when we feel the need to defend ourselves, we are believing the lie of shame.

Think about it, if you were at complete peace with yourself and your decisions, would you feel as defensive? Would you feel attacked, or would you feel a little more... untouchable? Would you perhaps also be able to adopt the mindset of "live and let live," which would keep you from feeling the need to attack others?

Who started this war?

Self-doubt.

Shame and self-doubt are best friends, rarely seen apart. If you are a mom, you have likely experienced your share of self-doubt. Working through self-doubt is practically in the job description of motherhood. Working mom, stay-at-home mom, and every mom in between experiences moments of doubt. Moms question their parenting, who they are as a person and how well they are navigating the mysterious journey of motherhood.

The mommy wars began and are perpetuated by each mother's self-doubt. Self-doubt is a painful experience. That's what makes the mommy wars so painful - it is a war inside of you. A war between feeling peaceful and feeling worthless.

Jealousy also rushed to the battlefield, not to be outdone by shame and doubt.

Let's face it. There are aspects of both choices that are rather appealing especially when you do without them. It goes back to, "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." When jealousy rears its ugly head, no one wins.

Can we end this war?

Yes.

You can end this war for yourself. If you can debunk the shame and face self-doubt, you can replace them with confidence and peace. With the instigator and enemy lurking within you, you have direct access to them.

Don't fool yourself into thinking that putting another woman down will give you confidence in your choice. Only you can access and establish your personal peace.

If each woman can face the enemy within her, she will be in a better place to help her fellow moms find peace as well.

You are a mom. You are a survivor of sleepless night, tantrums, picky eaters, rebellious children, and let's not forget the difficulty of facing your own personal fears as you raise a child. Choose today to look for the good in yourself and the good in other moms making a different choice than you. Love yourself, so you can love others. Appreciate the perks you have, and be happy for the benefits others enjoy. Make peace with yourself, so you can increase peace among women.

Are you ready to sign the peace treaty?

The post The Mommy Wars: Who fired the first shot, and how to sign the peace treaty appeared first on FamilyToday.

Guess what? You're not alone.

Let's look at two main reasons you feel like a fraud:

Not enough recognition of success

You focus too much attention on what you're not doing and not enough on what you are doing. Why are you doing this?

No, really, I'm asking you. Why? Does it serve a purpose?

Here's the thing, momma. What you focus on grows. I'm going to say that again. WHAT YOU FOCUS ON GROWS.

Focus on your success. If you see something you don't like, write it down and put it in a box called "where I want to improve." Then, move on. Limit yourself to only one or two "areas for improvement" per day.

You can't fix everything at once, so stop panicking. Each day, or even just once a week, you are allowed to open that box and figure out some solutions. The rest of the time, show gratitude for your life, your gifts and your productivity by celebrating your successes.

Too much recognition of success

You are a high achiever, and people tend to praise you a lot. You hear compliments like, "You have it all together! You are so patient. How do you do it?"

The problem is that you fear none of this is actually true. Your feel intense pressure to keep up this false perception, or you might feel pressure to prove to yourself that it is true.

The problem is not the compliments - it's what your brain is doing with them. To you, these statements say, "I value you because you have no flaws," or something like, "You'd better keep this up. No going back now!"

Now, those are scary thoughts! No wonder you feel like a fraud.

So, here is your job. Change those statements. "You are trying to keep things together. You are working on patience. How do you keep striving to do better?"

Do those feel different to you?

These statements allow you to enjoy a compliment and celebrate your success - without expecting an unrealistic level of perfection. Choose to view yourself as a person who is continuing to develop. Offer yourself forgiveness for your mistakes as you hope for improvement.

Now, it's your turn. Spread the message. Share your stories, insights and experiences. Let go of the guilt, and enjoy the gift of motherhood!

The post Do you feel like a fraud in this motherhood gig? appeared first on FamilyToday.