Be the cool mom or dad

You may not be able to get your teenager to like you, but you can probably get all their friends to like you. Be nice to them, give them treats and make them laugh. Nothing will exasperate your teen more than trying to explain to their friends why you are not as fun as you seem.

Play music really loudly that your teenager doesn't like

They do it all the time, so why shouldn't you? As a parent, you should hopefully have a louder stereo and be able to win any battle. Amp it up a notch by dancing to the music.

Just say no

When your teen wants to do something that is completely reasonable, be completely unreasonable. Listen to their arguments, let them get emotional, but refuse to be swayed. And don't give any explanation - just say, "Because I said so."¯

Subvert communications

Send texts to your teen's friends saying you won't be able to do anything this weekend because you're being treated for a weird fungus growth. Compose an ode to Pokemon or My Little Pony and post it as your teen on Facebook.

Copy them

Teens spend so much effort trying to establish themselves as individuals that your mimicry will drive them crazy. Dress like your teenagers. Do your hair the way they do. Start listening to their music. Try to become exactly like them.

Charge them for your services

When your teen is not pulling their weight around the house, bill them at a market rate for everything you provide. Meals, beverages, bedroom rent, and their share of utilities are all fair game. Charge them for rides as if you were a taxi service, or charge them a daily rental fee to borrow a car. Use any money you make to buy a louder sound system (see tip #2).

Play matchmaker

Constantly suggest good dating prospects. Focus on characteristics teens don't care about, like, "He's so responsible,"¯ or, "She's always very punctual."¯ Bonus points if you actually invite candidates to dinner with your family.

Give them really good advice

Teenagers will do the exact opposite of whatever you say, so this is an ideal way to sabotage them without them even knowing it. Revenge is sweet when they finally realize you were right all along and you get to say, "I told you so!"¯

Is your teen a perfect angel? "Oh, I would never do these things to them!"¯ Or maybe you're just not the vindictive type. You're making a big mistake. Who will cause trouble in your teen's life if you don't? What will they possibly find to complain about if not your actions? And most importantly, how will you get laughs if it isn't at your teen's expense? Do your kid a favor and antagonize them every chance you get.

The post 8 ways to exact revenge on your teenager appeared first on FamilyToday.

Your child cheerfully eats vegetables

The Kids' Code of Conduct expressly forbids the willing ingestion of anything known to be healthy, especially vegetables. Every kid knows that green foods are for St. Patrick's Day or Dr. Seuss' "Sam I Am," and should only be eaten after extreme coercion by an adult. If children just went around eating veggies willy-nilly, they would have little leverage for dessert. A robot, on the other hand, is trying to appease you and gain your trust. Be extremely wary.

Your kid doesn't build blanket forts anymore

Blanket forts are a crucial part of a child's defense against bad guys, mean dogs and younger siblings. The construction of these fortifications is instinctive, and the behavior can last long into adolescence. Robots, in contrast, are typically armed with lasers, hidden mini-machine guns and proximity mines. They don't need blanket forts for protection.

They don't watch TV

Kids need to get all of their instructions from television and movies - how to act, what to say, how to defeat evil super villains. The thirst for this vital information drives them to view hour after hour of programming, constantly gleaning guidance and direction. Robots get all of their directions from a wireless link to a central computer at a command station. Watching TV would just scramble their software.

Junior happily goes to bed at the appointed bedtime

The entire point of having a bedtime is for kids to try to stay up later than they're permitted. That deadline on the day's activities represents a line in the sand. When a youngster steps over it he is asserting his right to make his own decisions. Robots don't make their own decisions, they operate under the parameters of their programming. It doesn't matter to them when they go to bed because they're just going to lie awake plotting your destruction all night anyway.

Your kid is constantly plugged in

I don't mean they're using electronic devices all of the time. I mean, there's a cord coming out of their body and plugging into an outlet in the wall. When you enter the room they will nonchalantly unplug and hide the cord as if nothing unusual was happening. It's best for you to play along, so they don't know you suspect anything - yet.

They do what you ask them to do

Real kids will do what you ask them to do eventually, if they feel like it, after delaying, asking "why?" several times and hoping you will forget. They are usually too busy doing important things like trashing their rooms to be bothered with menial tasks like setting the dinner table. However, robots have both the processing power and physical energy to quickly complete your requests. They are keen to avoid unwanted attention from you that might lead to their detection. They're more attentive than a mouse in a cat farm.

On second thought, other than the fact that they are planning to murder you in your sleep, robots are not bad children. In many ways, they can be an improvement on your original kids. With a little vigilance and some high-tech weaponry, you might happily parent your new robots for many years without major incident. A word of advice: Be sure kick to them out of the house when they turn eighteen. Adult robots receive firmware upgrades that make them substantially more deadly.

The post 6 signs your kid has been replaced with a robot appeared first on FamilyToday.

Locate the child

This step can be more difficult than you might expect, as toddlers are startlingly mobile at times.

Locate the diapers (use disposable diapers, they are your friend)

Pick one that looks sturdy and take it to your changing surface. The changing surface can be a changing table, rug, bed, floor or any flat, sturdy surface. Be aware that the child may try to roll off of the surface, and this could be a falling hazard. Just kidding - the child will definitely try to roll off the surface.

Place the diaper on the floor in front of you

Open the diaper so the inside is facing up and the side of the diaper with the fasteners is farthest away from you.

Locate the child again

(Why are they so fast?) Bring the child to the changing surface.

Lay the child down on top of the diaper

Line up the fastener edge of the diaper with the child's waistline on their back. If that doesn't make sense, don't worry; the kid isn't going to hold still anyway.

Remove the child's pants

If he is wearing any, or unbutton whatever strange clothing is blocking the diaper area. For some reason, toddlers' clothes have an inordinate number of buttons.

Unfasten the diaper that child is wearing

Pull the front of the diaper away from the child. Oh, no! The kid is stinky!

Search around frantically for some baby wipes

The baby wipes are across the room or in another room. (Actually, who knows where they are?) Go find them.

Wait! Return to child and refasten the stinky diaper

If he is on an elevated surface, set him down.

Return from the store after buying new package of wipes

Your child likely put them in the garbage when you weren't looking. Set the wipes next to the diaper.

Locate the child

Bring the child back to the changing surface. Lay the child back down. Open the fasteners and fold back the front of the diaper.

Use wipes to clean the mess off of the child

The child has reached down to see what you are doing and now has some of the mess on his hand. Clean it off quickly with a wipe before it gets all over everything.

Try to block the child's repeated attempts to put hands down there while you continue to wipe them clean

Keep the child from trying to roll over

Now your child has managed to get mess on the clean diaper and on the changing surface. And on his hands again.

Take the child to the shower

While transferring your child to the shower, do your best to keep the mess from spreading as the child tries to grab anything within reach and wriggle out of your hands as you walk.

Hose the kid down

Use lots of soap.

Towel-dry the child and wrestle him into a new, clean diaper

Keep the child away from the mess with a baby gate or closed door

Clean the mess with a million disinfecting wipes. Put any soiled fabric directly into the washing machine with a ridiculous amount of bleach. Throw everything else in an outside garbage can and wash your handsĀ 50 times.

At this point, you're all done. Congrats! With any luck, you won't have to do this again for a couple of hours.

The post How to change a toddler’s diaper: Step by step instructions for dad appeared first on FamilyToday.

But there are certain things you should actually never tell your wife - no matter how much you might want to:

1. "Stop talking"

Never tell your wife to stop talking. If she's talking to you, she really wants you to know what she has to say. It may not seem important to you, and you might have to peel your eyes away from the football game for a minute, but take the time to listen to her. It'll mean so much, and you'll build a stronger relationship.

2. "It looks the same to me"

Your wife works hard to impress you, so notice when she does things a little differently (even if it really does look the same to you). Maybe she got a new haircut, or maybe she organized your closet. Whatever it is, make sure she knows you notice her efforts.

3. "You should be more like my mom"

Never ever EVER compare your wife to your mom. She already feels pressure from her to be perfect, and when you tell her you think your mom does things better, she gets really down on herself. Remember your wife and your mom are two completely different people.

4. "Maybe you should start coming to the gym with me"

Weight is a super touchy subject with many women, so be careful when you ask your wife to go to the gym. If you genuinely want to spend quality time with her and that's the only time you'll get that, explain it to her. But if you want her to shed a few pounds for your own pleasure, it's best not to say anything and let her do it in her own time if she wants to.

5. "What did you do all day?"

Your wife does so much during the day, and it's not your business to ask her what those things were if you're being condescending about it. If you really want to know what she did because you want to hear about her life, ask away. But don't assume she just sits and watches TV all day long.

6. "You never told me about that"

There's nothing more frustrating than when your wife makes plans in advance, tells you about them, then you forget and say she never told you. If you honestly didn't know, just apologize for not listening and attend whatever plans she made.

7. "Stop worrying and calm down"

Being a wife and mom means caring for a lot of people, and it can get exhausting. Women worry about things that are irrational sometimes, but you don't need to remind her of that. Let her know you're there for her and that her worries are valid instead of telling her to "calm down."

8. "Why does that bother you? It would never bother me."

Just because something doesn't bother you, doesn't mean it won't bother your wife. You have different personalities and different brains - not everyone thinks the same way as you. If something's bothering your wife, listen to her and try to make it better.

9. "I'm done"

Never say these words unless you really mean it. Experts say when you say this or threaten divorce, it scares your wife and makes it sound like you don't care enough about the relationship to keep working at it.

10. "You wouldn't understand"

If you're going through something, your wife wants to be there for you. She wants to help you. So it's hurtful to her when you say she wouldn't understand and walk away. Maybe she doesn't understand now, but she can understand if you try to explain it to her.

Marriage takes a lot of practice, and nobody's perfect. You'll slip up and say things you didn't mean. Just make sure to apologize and move on when this happens - your marriage will be so much better for it.

The post 10 things you should never say to your wife appeared first on FamilyToday.