Embrace your child's uniqueness

As good parents, we dressed our kids just like every other kid. However, as one experience taught me, this is not the best way of raising children. We were in a crowd and like always my second oldest child decided to get lost. Any parent who has lost a child in the crowd will understand the feeling. It's like a "Where's Waldo" game with life or death stakes. At least, that's how I perceived it with the constant reel of past "Catch a Predator" episodes running through my mind.

Suddenly, all those unique things that made up my child became alarmingly important. I wished that I had dressed him in bright neon, maybe even colored his hair a fluorescent purple. It would have made identification easier when trying to give a description to the store associates. Just look for the kid with the rainbow Mohawk. We did find him hiding in a clothes rack, but the experience taught me a valuable lesson. As parents we must be willing to embrace our child's uniqueness.

Perhaps we don't have to go to such extremes as coloring our kid's hair, but if you think there is a one-size-fits all to parenting, you're in for a rude awakening. Just when I thought I had figured out one child, another comes along totally different. Even when I think I have one child down, they grow older. Every child and every stage of life is unique. At most, you just have to embrace their uniqueness and learn to love them as they are.

Your child is a perfect little angel, just not in the way you think

My wife and I were invited to my father-in-law's work barbecue. It was an informal event at the local park with good food and fun. The cousins were there as well and we felt secure enough to let our 3 year old play in the nearby playground with the other kids. In our minds, he would never get in trouble unlike those other kids.

A few minutes had passed and a child ran to the pavilion where we were sitting to announce the horror, "there's a naked boy on the playground." Assured in the angelic character of our child, I leaned over to my wife and said, "I'd hate to be his parents." That's when the cousins ran in and informed us rather loudly that our son was naked on the playground. The look in my wife's eyes was such that I knew I would have to be the one to get him.

Sure enough, there was my son with butt cheeks in the sand and clothes scattered about him. I was speechless, unable to fathom what would possess him to do such a thing. Picking up his clothes, I quickly covered him up. "Why," was the only word I could get out in my flustered state. My boy looked up at me with innocent eyes and said, "I had sand in my underwear."

Another pitfall of parenting is the my-little-angel syndrome. Granted there is a little angel in there somewhere, but not in the way you think. Thinking your kid would never do anything wrong is parenting with blinders. Your kids are going to do all kinds of things wrong, but for the most part there is no malice involved. Expect them to make mistakes and to be little devils at times, but realize at the center is the heart of an angel that just needs a little forgiveness and a lot of love.

Honesty is always the best policy. OK, maybe not always

My second son was always very literal and brutally honest. He also had an over willingness to help. One day I was carrying an armful of groceries into the house. I knew my son was walking in front of me, however, I did not know that he had stooped down at the step to scrape up some ice with the dust pan.

Unaware, I bumped him in the rear, causing him to fall head first into the brick frame of the door, which gave him not only a good size bump but a Harry Potter scar on his forehead that he has to this day. We quickly bandaged him up, wiping away the tears.

My first reaction, however, was to blame the child for getting in the way. Obviously, he needs to realize that he can't stand in the way of someone carrying in groceries. But seeing his red puffy eyes, staring at me, all I could say was, "I'm sorry."

The next day at church his teacher noticed the cut on his forehead and asked him what had happened. The honest little soul that he was, he said, "My Dad hit me."

Luckily, the teacher did not call Child and Family Services. I learned that kids communicate everything honestly. Most of us could learn from that kind of honesty, especially as parents.

We will make mistakes as parents and we need to be honest with our children in letting them know that we make mistakes too. When we realize that parenting is a learning process just like growing up, there can be a space for both of us to learn from our mistakes. Then, we don't have to let our fear of not being perfect parents interfere with being loving parents.

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To aid those fathers who may feel this same weight of inadequacy, here are a few tips that might just get you through the training period. For those more experienced father's perhaps this will help polish off some of those fathering skills.

Listen first

. It is very easy to overlook this simple skill. Often we get into the mindset of "father knows best." Whether we are right or not, it is important to listen first to our children. What they say may not change our mind, but if nothing else, they will feel appreciated and that is important for the development of all children. So the next time a child comes in after curfew or uses shaving cream to paint a mural in the hallway, listen first. Then commence with the disciplining.

Consequences instead of punishment

. The father is often portrayed as a disciplinarian. How many of us have the experience of waiting for father to come home to dispense punishment for some act that drove mother over the edge? When father does come home, it's the choice between the switch or the belt. But times have changed and not necessarily for the worse.

Rather than thinking simply punishment, try thinking consequences. Make your child aware that every action carries with it a particular consequence. Even better, sit down with her before she has committed the wrong and discuss with her what should be appropriate consequences. For instance, if she came in after curfew, the consequence would be the loss of going out for a week.

Disciplining with heart

. It is important that your child see you as more than just a disciplinarian. Instead, he should see you as a trusted source of wisdom and counsel when he is faced with challenges in his life. For this reason, it is important not to simply scold a child for his wrongdoing.

It is very tempting to yell, but it's a much better example when a father sets aside his temper and sits down with his child to counsel her. Instead of yelling loudly, counsel softly. Along these lines, be sure to avoid guilt and lecturing. Guilt is a poor motivator and often leads to a distorted view of self later in life. Instead, strive to demonstrate loving concern in the counsel you provide.

Make your time together, their time

. As expecting fathers we often dream of having that son that we can take on fishing trips or to football games. When we are blessed with children, however, we might have a son or daughter who has no interest in fishing or football. Still, we might attempt to drag him out despite his complaining. In the end, it is a bad experience for both.

We must be aware that although he is our child, his interests, talents and preferences are different from ours. As fathers, we need to go out of our way to get to know our kids and their likes and spend time doing what they enjoy. If we do this, then maybe they won't complain so much on that next fishing trip.

Let them be who they are

. Finally, in spite of all the expectations of an expecting father, a child is not a block of wood to be carved into our image. We may want to instill certain values into our children and that is commendable. However, we should never expect a child to be just like us, to achieve what we achieved, to walk the same path we walked. It is their life to command not ours.

Often fathers think that helping a child to achieve her full potential means making the choices in her life that we were not able to make in our own. Rather than carving out your child's destiny for her, hand her the tools and teach your child to use them, so she can carve out her own destiny.

In the end, recognize that there is no perfect parent. Being a good father takes years of practice and much trial and error (emphasis on the error). Don't get discouraged, life is a process of learning. And don't be afraid to say you're sorry when you make a mistake. Your children are more than forgiving.

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1. Don't force it

Wit is a natural humor. Wit is dynamic. You can't memorize a line and wait for it to pop up in conversation. It must be naturally infused in the flow of conversation to have any real effect. Hence, it is one of the most difficult forms of humor to master. Yet, some of the most laughable lines are hardly realized by the speaker as in the case of small children. My 5-year-old daughter is one of the funniest people I know, not because she tries to be, but because of her innocence. In the case of wit, the intention is there, but the degree of humor is determined by the cleverness of the remark.

The great humorist of early America, Mark Twain, said, "Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union we not perceived to have any relation."

The power of a witty remark to imbue laughter is found in its ability to call into attention what was not thought of at first in a clever manner. Therefore, it must arise from the moment and cannot be thought of ahead of time. A witty person does not go out of their way to be witty. It is part of their natural demeanor. They are able to make such humorous connections because they naturally see the world in a way that is slightly askew to the normal mind. The key here is slightly, if it is any more than that no one will understand you. So the advice here, is start your road to humor by looking at life outside of the box. I suggest you begin by imagining things through the eyes of a 5-year-old.

2. Keep it simple

We often call such humor as "one liners." There is a reason for this. They should not be more than a line. If your clever quip requires more than that, you will lose the freshness of the moment. Spontaneity is important to this type of humor. Long discourse kills spontaneity. As the great bard, Shakespeare, said, "Brevity is the soul of wit."� In our family, it is the small and simple quips of children that bring in the most laughter.

3. Wit is more than just humor

It's a type of humor higher than the ordinary punch line. Aristotle said of wit, "[Wit] is educated insolence."� Wit is often employed as a means of disarmament. When someone is heavily trenched in an opinion, a pithy comment is a good way of presenting your opposing view in a way that may be less confronting and more poignant. Several writers throughout history used such devices of humor to hide deeper more profound ideas. This approach tended to be safer and kept them from the executioner. (It may also be a safer way to deal with your mother-in-law.) This means that the ability to be witty requires a person to be insightful. This is why we tend to associate wit with intelligence.

4. Just be funny

There are no clear cut rules of wit. It can't be taught in step-by-step process any more than genius can be taught. However, a person can acquire at least in some degree the ability through practice. As you go about your day, try to be observant. In your observations try to look at the absurdity of the situation. With a little effort, it is not hard to see that most of what we do day to day is extremely absurd. This can be especially true of family life. Then, try to find the humor in the everyday. Eventually, you will begin to make yourself laugh and with time you may even have the courage to point out these little observations to others. Soon you will no longer be laughing to yourself, but with everyone around you.

5. Careful with your humor

Think of this as the don'ts following the list of do's. You must be aware that not everyone will respond the way you do to humor. Know your audience. If they aren't able to take a joke, your wit won't save you. Go cautiously. Make light hearted comments and save your scathing remarks for a more appropriate audience. Try not to be overly critical or sarcastic. This can leave a bitter taste in the mouth. Above all, don't resort to cutting down others in order to get a laugh.

Don't worry if you aren't as witty as others. The mere fact that you choose to be more observant of the world around you and strive to see things in a different way will make you a delight to talk to.

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As a teacher myself, I have been allotted very little time for each student individually unless they choose to meet with me before or after school. However, there are many test taking techniques you can teach your child that will help improve his test scores. The only way to truly ensure your child's success is to help them develop those study skills that will allow them to excel on their tests.

1. Sifting through the information

Students are bombarded with endless amounts of information from teachers, textbooks and other sources. It is difficult for first time learners to make sense of it all. They may not be able to determine what information is of most importance. The first step of effective studying is to determine what is most important.

The most reliable source is the teacher. Study guides are a great source of determining what information is of most importance and can most easily be found online. Schools have sets of standards for each subject that list what is expected for students to learn. Take a look at these standards to see what is expected of your student.

2. Note taking

Many students do not understand the importance of taking notes. However, good note taking is essential to good studying. The notes will provide a framework for studying. It also helps the student understand what the teacher or text views as most important and will often provide an understanding of what may be on the test.

There are many techniques for taking notes which can be found online. They usually follow two key formats: outlining and mapping. Outlining is more of a linear method of organizing notes. This is the method most employed by students because it quick and easy when jotting down notes in class. However, it is the worse method for retention of information.

Mapping, on the other hand, utilizes the brains natural means of recording and accessing memories. Rather than the linear straight down the page approach of outlining, mapping uses a radial pattern, starting from a key central point and branching out into sub ideas. Mapping also uses visual depictions of the information that are fun and leave a more lasting impression on the brain. It takes some practice, but students adept at mapping can increase their retention significantly. Starting out, students may want to take their notes in class using outlining, then transpose them to a mapping format when studying. Mapping is the type of note-taking technique my wife and I use to teach our children at home.

3. Retention

The simplest way to retain information is the review method, where the student goes over his notes several times prior to the test. While this method has been successful for many, recent studies have suggested another technique that is much more effective in helping students retain information called multi-testing. In this method, students do not just review the information, but quiz themselves on the material in a way similar to the test. Students who multi-test have been able to significantly increase their retention of material.

There are many ways of multi-testing. Many study guides will provide practice tests that can be taken. If practice tests are not available, students can write the information down on flashcards accompanied by a question about the information. They can then go through the notecards, answering each question and leaving out any flashcards they were not able to answer for further review. This method not only helps them determine what information they are struggling to remember, but can also help the student feel more confident when going into the test, having already been faced with similar questions. As a teacher, I have taught the flash-card method time and time again to students who have struggled with taking tests in the past and they have had great success with it.

When the day comes for the test, students will be less stressed and more certain of success if proper study habits are employed. More important than passing the test, students will have acquired the skills necessary to assimilate, organize and utilize information, a skill most needed for today's working environment.

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1. Character is not necessarily genetic

We cannot assume that just because we have a certain degree of character our children will naturally have that same character. As Socrates argued, virtue and character do not work that way. He pointed out several Greek statesmen known for their virtue and character. Pericles was the most noted statesman of the golden era of Greek culture. Aristides was named "the just"� by the people. Themistocles and Thucydides were also noted. All were great leaders, just, fair and founded in integrity. All tried to teach their sons the same values, but none succeeded in instilling their character in their children.

If these great men could not teach their children character, how can we, ordinary parents, accomplish this difficult task? Perhaps, the simple wisdom of a child can help us.

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands. - Anne Frank

There is no greater example than Anne Frank a young Jewish girl forced to grow up in the midst of the worse holocaust in recent human history. She would have her own character put to the ultimate test as she, herself faced her end in a Nazi concentration camp.

2. Give good advice

. The role of parents is to provide a nest of safety where children can grow up without facing the full brunt of life before they are prepared. As our children grow and face the difficulties of life, it is important for us to keep open, non-critical communication with them. When they stumble, falter or even fall, we must be there not to take away life's obstacles completely, but to offer our experienced advice on how they can face these obstacles and succeed. This puts a great burden on us as parents. Before we can extend such advice, we must be sure that we have tested it in our own lives.

3. Put them on the right path

. Take time for little learning moments. Teach your children those constants and moral truths that have helped you steer clear of life's pitfalls. Whether it is a lesson you learned when you were their age, or through a religious belief, let your children know what makes up your character. The best way to put your children on the right path is to take them by the hand and lead them along as you walk down that path.

4. Put it in their hands

This does not mean that we leave children to discover it on their own, but we must recognize as Socrates and Anne Frank discovered that we cannot form it for them. Goethe said of character, "[it] develops itself in the stream of life."� In the end, it is through the difficulties and pains of life, the ones we often strive from which to protect our children that a person's character is forged. We must not deprive our children of their sojourn into that stream of life. However, as parents we are there as a support when they face their trials.

In the end, Socrates came to the conclusion that virtue or character cannot be taught. Instead, he claimed that such virtue was a gift from the gods. Perhaps, he is right. Our greatest means of instilling character in our children is to pray for them, be there for them and allow them the freedom to dangle their toes in the stream of life.

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That was then, and the concept of self-esteem is a bygone fossil of psychology. It turns out psychologists may have had it wrong. Self-esteem is not what we needed. After telling generations of teens that they just need a bigger ego, psychologists now say that this may have done more harm than good. Of course, I had my own doubts with that theory after my overly-esteemed cronies had threatened me with physical harm and humiliation over my lunch money for the hundredth time.

On the contrary, it was the Beatles that had it right all along. All we need is love.

Modern psychologist say that what kids, especially teenagers, really need is more self-compassion. It is similar to self-esteem, but without the big head and the incessant need to feed one's ego by belittling others. According to the theory, self-compassion is composed of three particular mindsets that need to be fostered in children for overall emotional wellbeing:

Self-kindness

In order to foster self-compassion in children, it's important to make sure that they do not fall into self-criticizing modes of thinking. The way we communicate with our children establishes a blue-print for how they will eventually communicate with themselves. In other words, if we are overly critical of our children, they will learn to be overly critical of themselves. If on the other hand, we are able to talk with our children in a non-critical way, they will practice this when communicating with themselves.

Common humanity

As parents, we feel it our responsibility to impart our own code of ethics and morals. While we are aware of our imperfections, our children often are not. As we all know, it can be difficult to live up to an unreasonably perfect image. Children often struggle with feelings of inadequacy. We must remind our children of the common humanity that we share, and that suffering and failing are a normal part of life. Such a perspective will not only help them in their perception of themselves, but also of others. Another way to foster this common humanity is to encourage outward compassion towards others as an expression of our inward compassion toward ourselves.

Mindfulness

. Childhood, especially going into the teen years, is a difficult time. Emotions and hormones rage out of control. This stage in life is a good time to help children learn how to work with their emotions and not to overly identify themselves with their feelings, especially those that tend to be negative. The best way to do this is through directed mental talk. By sitting down with children and talking through their emotions with them, parents can model proper mental talk, making them aware of their feelings and how they react to them. This will not only help them in their personal life, but it will help them in their communications with others.

Ultimately, fostering self-compassion in children will allow them to be succeed in life by finding lasting joy in who they are, without the need to undercut others. Instead, they will demonstrate greater compassion for those around them as they realize the common experience of being human.

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If I was as versed as I should be in male/female communication, I would end it there. Instead, I push the point until she explodes into a rant of frustration. I listen intently, or at least I think I am. In actuality, I am processing every word as if I am about to diagnose an ailment. When she is done, rather than giving her words of encouragement, I start into an intellectual assessment of the situation, recommending the proper remedy as if I were a qualified psychologist. This results in her storming off with even more frustration as she demands that, "I never listen to her."�

I am left, holding my once inflated vision of being the perfect husband, wondering what went wrong. For men, communication in marriage is a minefield we all fear to tread lest we misstep. Inevitably though, we must brave this no man's land. For those that find themselves as clueless I have been in the past, here are five ways to understand and communicate with love:

Check yourself

When entering into communication with your wife, be aware of your heart. Is it open or closed? Ask yourself, "Am I concerned with her needs or my own?"� If you can answer in the affirmative to the former, then proceed with caution. If not, then back up and re-evaluate. A closed heart is a non-communicating heart.

Realize there is more to communication than just words

We communicate with our whole being. If you're having a bad day, it will ooze out in everything you say. The same goes for your spouse. Discussing sensitive topics while in a negative state is not a good idea. Wait until you are both in the right mindset.

Do not assume that every negative response is directed to you personally

If your spouse seems to be short with you, it may not be you she is angry at. She may still be fuming from an interaction with the kids or the lady from down the street. Trust her intent and see her in the best light, not the worst.

Give them space

Everybody should be allowed a little space every now and then to process their emotions. Being human is a hard thing, and few, if any, seem to be good at it. Let your spouse be human and allow them to work through their feelings.

Don't try to fix the situation

This is a major difference between men and women. If a man tells about his problems, he's either complaining or he wants actual advice on what to do. When a woman tells her problems, sometimes it is also just complaining, but often it is because she wants comforting feedback. Men aren't used to this, so they resort to fixing. Women see this as being judgmental and not attending to their needs. The bottom line: listen, don't fix.

In the end, there is no perfect formula for communicating in marriage. The only real way to assure good communication is through being understanding and loving with your spouse. Accept their short comings and be willing to cut them some slack.

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