Litigation is not always the best course

The judge assigned to your case is not going to get to know you as a person. The judge is not going to come out to your house and watch you interact with your kids, or walk through each room and make an inventory of your property. The judge is not going to let you get on the witness stand and give a long, angry speech about every offense your spouse has committed over the past 20 years. He or she is simply going to take testimony and review documents on the issues you and your spouse can't resolve voluntarily, and then hand down a decision that will probably disappoint both of you.

Nowadays, judges are under pressure to manage their cases efficiently, which often means getting them completed with only the bare minimum of trial time. As a lawyer, I rarely, if ever, saw a judge cut corners so severely that crucialtestimony was disallowed. But I heard numerous divorce litigants express their frustration that they didn't get to tell their story completely, or that the judge never really understood the facts of their particular case. The truth is, the litigation process, for all its merits, is not well-suited to family law.

Mediation is an alternative to litigation

Fortunately, there is a cost-effective and widely available substitute for divorce litigation: mediation. Mediation allows the parties (the husband and wife), with the help of a neutral third person (the mediator), to come up with settlement terms that are individualized to their particular needs and circumstances. Unless the mediated agreement is contrary to the welfare of any children involved, or attempts to circumvent child-support guidelines, or was the result of fraud or intimidation, the court will normally approve it. (And an experienced mediator will almost always know when a proposed agreement won't pass judicial muster).

Mediation can allow for sentiment and creativity

Mediation can produce results that may make perfect sense to the parties, but which a judge probably wouldn't order. For example, a wife in a short-term marriage may not be entitled to alimony under the laws of her state. But in mediation her husband might voluntarily offer to pay alimony in return for her dropping any claim on a vacation house they purchased together - a house that he may want to have as his retirement home. Or the parties may agree to divide furniture and other personal property in a way that reflects sentimental value rather than monetary value. Or they may agree to leave each of their pension plans intact, but give a bigger share of the bank accounts to the spouse with the smaller pension.

In general, judges are not going to painstakingly construct a decision that somehow balances sentimental value versus monetary value, or which tries to anticipate the parties' long-term needs and interests. In many cases, if the parties can't agree on the disposition of some asset, the judge will simply order it sold and split 50-50. That may be fair, but it may not be desirable. Fifty percent of the value of a 10-year-old car may be negligible, but the car itself may be a lifesaver for the spouse who needs it to get to work.

Mediation helps parties agree

Mediation is valuable not just because of the product (the agreement), but also because of the process. The parties start getting into the habit of agreeing - perhaps for the first time in years. Those agreements will pave the way for further agreements in the future, which is vital when there are kids involved. And the habit of agreeing may even stop the divorce in its tracks. I've seen more than one couple who were so delighted that they could talk without screaming at each other, that they put the mediation on hold and focused on saving their marriage.

But even if a divorce goes through after mediation, it will be a divorce grounded in civility and mutual respect. And it will be one less case for the judge to manage, one less disappointing decision for him or her to write.

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Get a reliable referral

A good place to start is by asking friends or relatives who are divorced what they think of the lawyer who represented them. Because everyone's case is different, don't focus on what their lawyer may have achieved for them in terms of alimony, child support or child custody, but rather on how responsive the lawyer was. Did he or she return phone calls promptly, explain things in plain English and display a genuine sense of compassion and concern?

Get comfortable

Your relationship with your divorce lawyer will be as intimate as your relationship with your primary care doctor - maybe more. You're going to lay bare your emotions, your vulnerabilities, your fears and your finances. If you don't fundamentally like or trust your lawyer, if something about the person makes you hold back, your divorce will not go well.

So, be sure to have an in-depth meeting with any prospective lawyer before you retain him, and pay close attention to any red flags that come up in that meeting: he insists on doing all the talking or he pooh-poohs your emotional issues. As with most relationships, if it's not good at the beginning, it's only going to get worse later.

Hire an expert

Of course, a divorce lawyer is more than a hand-holder. He or she needs professional competence and experience to adequately represent you. I, personally, would only hire someone who devotes at least 50 percent of his law practice to divorce, custody or other family law matters.

It's certainly possible for someone to handle one or two divorce cases a year and do a great job with them, but why take a chance? With any luck, this will be the only divorce lawyer you'll ever need in your life. Go with a pro.

But even among divorce specialists, some are better than others. One indication of whether a lawyer is among the top people in her field is whether she gives lectures or teaches classes to other lawyers. Most states require lawyers to take annual refresher courses, and typically only the most respected lawyers in any given field will teach them. Similarly, a leadership position in the family law group of the state bar association is a good indication of professional accomplishment and peer recognition.

Some lawyers restrict their divorce practices to representing only men or only women. There's nothing wrong with that, but I doubt it gives such lawyers any additional insights or expertise. If a woman feels more comfortable with a female lawyer, fine; as I said, it's vital that the lawyer and the client are compatible in a personal sense. But there's no reason that a woman needs a female lawyer, or a man needs a male lawyer.

Be reasonable about fees

Legal fees are a big issue in most divorce cases, but you shouldn't automatically choose a lawyer based on his fees. A higher hourly rate does not guarantee superior competence, but a low rate is not necessarily a bargain. You don't want to overpay, but you want your case handled properly.

If you're served with divorce papers totally out of the blue, take a deep breath and don't panic. You still have time to get recommendations, check out credentials, meet with prospective candidates and find the lawyer who will be there for you when you need someone on your side. And you'll never need someone on your side more than you will in a divorce.

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And, indeed, those kinds of commitments are vital. Without them, people stop caring, relationships fizzle out and life itself loses its meaning.

But there's another kind of commitment that's often overlooked, even though it's the one that makes the other ones possible. I'm talking about the commitment to yourself.

Be true to yourself

A commitment to yourself is a commitment to living a life that's true to your core values, a life in which your long-term goals and your everyday actions are in harmony, a life that defines - not disguises - who you really are. In other words, an authentic life.

An authentic life is what Henry David Thoreau had in mind when he urged people to, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined."�

Thoreau believed that unless you know who you are and how you want to live, you can't make a commitment to someone or something outside yourself - at least not a lasting commitment. He was right. You can, for example, commit to your marriage, but if your marriage is so deeply flawed that it denies you the chance to live an authentic life, you'll eventually abandon either your commitment or your dreams.

The problem for many of us is that it's easy to lose sight of who we are. Some of us try so hard to please other people that we censor our thoughts and suppress our feelings. Some of us hate conflict so much that we always let someone else set the agenda and make the decisions. Some of us get so caught up in the endless details of daily life that we can't see that we're drifting in the wrong direction and losing sight of the shore.

Get back on track

What we all need to do is to step back once in a while and take a hard look at our lives. If we feel we got off track somewhere along the line, we have to figure out what went wrong and how to retrace our steps back home.

It's an effort, but it's worth it. Because when you finally realize who you are you'll feel an energy, an enthusiasm, you haven't felt in years. You'll want to make up for lost time. You'll want to reach out to the people who mean the most to you. You'll want to make things happen, to make your dreams a reality.

Make promises

And you'll want to make promises. A promise to yourself that you'll remain true to your values. A promise to your loved ones that you'll be there for them when they need you. A promise to the causes you believe in that you'll keep fighting the good fight, even when others have given up.

Yes, you can make promises even if you don't live an authentic life. But how many of them will you keep? When you've made a promise to yourself - a commitment to yourself - you'll keep the promises you make to others. And you'll make the world a better place, one commitment at a time.

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What about the other 20 percent? Are there marriages that are so truly awful, so hopeless, that no amount of education, imagination, or counseling can save them? Sadly, the answer is yes: not every marriage can be saved. In fact, not every marriage is worth saving.

Hopeless marriages tend to fall into four main categories

1. Abuse

Marriages characterized by relentless physical or verbal abuse. No one should put up with that for one day, much less a lifetime. And in extreme cases of physical abuse, it can be a very short lifetime, indeed.

2. Addiction

Marriages in which one spouse is an alcoholic or drug addict and refuses to get help. If you're married to such a person, you're not so much a spouse as a substance-abuse counselor - an untrained and unpaid one, at that.

3. Infidelity

Marriages characterized by repeated infidelities. I've seen marriages recover from infidelity, provided that it was a one-time thing. But if it's just one affair after the other, there will never be true remorse - only regret at getting caught. If you're married to a serial adulterer, cut your losses now.

4. Major incompatibilities

Marriages with core incompatibilities that cannot be compromised. If she wants desperately to have a child, and he's not at all enthusiastic about the idea, they've got a problem. Getting pregnant and hoping he'll come to enjoy fatherhood is not my idea of a good compromise; in fact, it's almost guaranteed to lead to a much more unhappy and complicated divorce a few years down the road. It would be best to part ways and find someone with the same needs and desires.

If you're in a hopeless marriage, recognize reality and get out. Otherwise, you're destined to serve a life sentence without parole, with your spouse as your cellmate and sometimes your guard. Divorce is never a happy event, but when it's necessary it can be the key to unlock the jailhouse door, and open up the life you were meant to live.

There are other situations that can be tough to overcome - differences in needs, for example, or in spending and saving habits - but which are not necessarily fatal to a relationship. I believe in good marriages. If you have what is fundamentally, a good marriage, don't give up on it until you've tried everything - and I mean everything, to enhance what's best about it and minimize the flaws.

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I actually enjoyed Valentine's Day. Yes, it was over-hyped. Yes, it created anxiety and resentment for some men and women. Yes, it has become yet another occasion for obligatory gift-giving and excess spending.

Nevertheless, I think it's a nice idea to have one day a year to honor the place of romance in our lives. In that sense, Valentine's Day is like Mother's Day or Father's Day; a day to pause, reflect, and appreciate special people and special relationships.

Of course, you're not honoring your mother in any meaningful sense if you take her out to a fancy restaurant on Mother's Day and then ignore her the rest of the year. Similarly, whatever you did on Valentine's Day is a hollow gesture if you don't reinforce the message of love, day after day.

I say all the time that the key to achieving success in just about anything is "Little Things, Repeated Often."� If you can do two or three little things a day, the big things usually take care of themselves. You don't lose weight by starving yourself for a week; you lose it by cutting one hundred calories here and there and making it a permanent practice. You don't get in shape by trying to run 10 miles the first day but by starting slow and developing a routine that's fun and manageable.

It's the same with romance. One day a year, followed by 364 days of apathy, just doesn't cut it. You've got to reinforce the message. You reinforce it in little ways.

What kind of ways? Well, if you're a man, you can start by giving your wife or girlfriend compliments. Most women tend to be insecure about their appearance. Always reassure the woman in your life that she looks good to you. You don't have to be an expert on women's clothing or hairstyles to say, "Hey, that color looks great,"� or "You should wear those jeans more often."�

A man should also remember that women love gifts. A gift doesn't have to break the bank in order to have a romantic effect. If a man gets in the habit of picking up something for his wife or girlfriend whenever he finds himself in a store, he's reinforcing the idea that she's constantly on his mind. An unexpected 5 dollar bottle of bubble bath, and a few words about how she needs to relax more, can mean as much to a woman as a far-more-expensive gift on the "obligatory"� occasions.

Women sometimes forget to inject romance into their daily lives. I realize that most women these days - particularly women with kids - are stretched to the limit. Romance can be the furthest thing from a woman's mind when she's rushing to pick up the kids at school in order to get to the post office before it closes. Yet, even the most understanding husband may feel neglected if his wife seems to have lost her romantic impulses, or seems to put everyone else's needs before his.

The solution is to have some inviolable "us"� time every evening. No kids, no TV, no emails or texts; just the two of you relaxing in each other's company. Ten or fifteen minutes every night will do more for your love life than a once-a-year trip to Cancun, especially if you keep the conversation light and even flirtatious.

Once you start making room for a little romance in your daily routine, each day - as the old song says - will be Valentine's Day. For both of you.

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