I've been a dad for more than two years now. I've been learning something new every day from my kids, as they're very good teachers. They don't know that yet, but whenever I learn a new lesson, I take note of it in my morning pages the next day. I have a new one to share with you today, dear reader.

I can't remember when it started, but I have gotten in the habit of offering a hug to my oldest daughter whenever she hurts herself. She'd bump this or scrape that, and if I'm around, I offer a hug. Then she started to take that cue and work it so that if she hurt herself, she'd extend her arms and say, "Hug?" and I'd give her a hug.

Over the last two weeks or so, I've been extending that idea of hugs for other things besides minor bumps and scrapes. My oldest daughter is in the "Terrible Twos" and she has learned the word "No!" She has learned to make demands and requests, though I'm not sure she knows the difference yet. She will protest mightily if she doesn't get what she wants sometimes. This is normal in the sense that each episode of drama seems to be a way to check in and see if she can get what she wants. She wants to know if she has traction.

She doesn't like to admit that she can't get what she wants, and she will make a very strenuous effort to avoid such an outcome. To help defuse these bouts of drama, I've been experimenting with a simple way to give her an out. For example, Mommy got a new pair of sunglasses a few days ago. My daughter likes sunglasses, so when she saw the shiny new pair, she insisted on having them. In response, we told her "no."

As she continued to lobby for the sunglasses, I told her, "You can't have the sunglasses. Those are for Mommy and Mommy alone. But you can have a hug." Then I extended my arms as a gesture of an offer. Then she wiped the tears from her face and put her arms up to say, "OK. I'll have a hug." She couldn't get exactly what she wanted, but could still get something else that she wants.

I've been refining this message to say, "No matter what just happened, you can always ask for a hug." The goal here is to give her an out in an untenable situation. Instead of having to admit complete and utter defeat in her quest to get that coveted something she desires, she can surrender that thing with a request for a hug. This way, she still gets the sense of asking for something she wants, and getting it, even if it is not exactly what she wanted a minute or two before. She can surrender without defeat.

Every interaction with a young child registers in the cerebellum. This is one of the oldest parts of the brain, the non-verbal part, the part of the brain that can associate objects with pain and pleasure — without words. It remembers events and experiences long after we have learned language, but before we can use language to articulate what happened. By letting her know that she can always get a hug, she can let go of what she originally wanted, knowing she can have a hug instead. Getting a hug is a far more pleasant memory, and teaches her how to adapt to situations where she can't get what she wants.

I've done a lot of reading on hugs and I have never seen a negative side effect of them in any peer-reviewed study. A 20-second hug can release a nice fat dose of oxytocin, the same hormone that women release when they're dilating just before birth, and after birth for bonding with a baby. Oxytocin is a bonding hormone that we produce to associate and bond with our parents. It's the perfect antidote for envy or just about any one of the other seven deadly sins.

Giving my kids a hug, no matter what, is also a great application of a famous maxim discovered by The Beatles: All you need is love.

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I'm a dad. I have a delightful 18-month old daughter named Emily and I learn something new every day with her. I cherish every moment with her.

I'm a late bloomer and I have been applying what I've learned over the years from my reading, support groups and even therapy to my life with Emily. I come from a family with alcoholism going back several generations and with me, my intention is to stop that pattern of behavior. Today I'd like to share with you what I've learned about parenting so far.

I can recall the days with my dad when I would ask him a question and instead of answering the question, he'd say, "Go look it up." Despite his alcoholism, he still had the presence of mind to teach me to think for myself. He presented me with many challenges in critical thinking, sometimes without knowing it.

But he had a temper and he was really scary at times. He was demanding and I had to act without thinking. I had to have an answer when he asked a question. He was not always rational or predictable, so it was hard for me to adapt, but I found a way to adapt. Unfortunately, how I adapted then doesn't work too well as an adult.

So I've adopted some simple rules of thumb for how I comport myself with Emily, and pretty much anyone, including kids, but for today, this is about kids. They are the next generation and I want to make this world a better place to be. So when you see the word "Emily" that could be any kid, not just Emily. Emily is my daughter so I say these words with love.

First and foremost: I accept my daughter exactly the way she is right now. She doesn't have to change for me. Change is automatic as she grows up and learns to adapt to the world.

What will she adapt to? Will she need to adapt to someone who barks orders at her, asks her questions in a sharp tone of voice that she cannot answer, someone who gives bellicose glares when she does something wrong? Or will she need to adapt to someone who talks with her and works with her when she makes a mistake or breaks a rule that she didn't know about or didn't understand? Either way, children will learn their behavior from the adults around them.

When Emily cries, I accept her crying because that is the best she can do right now. I hold her until she stops crying. I comfort her until she stops crying. I stay in the room with her to let her know that crying is acceptable. We can only cry for so long and then we have to do something else.

When Emily does something "wrong" I pull her away from danger, from breaking expensive things and say "no." I keep doing that until she understands because she doesn't have a vocabulary and we can't have a conversation about her behavior - yet.

Children can't learn when they're in fear. If you want to raise someone who responds to your demands without thinking, get them into fear. Fear drives the mind to instinct to look for an answer. The success of man is that man does not rely upon instinct for every response to the environment. Instinct is coded by genes and genes respond slowly to the environment compared to what the nervous system can do now. Humans have a brain big enough to critically assess the situation and think of a solution. So does Emily.

Emily is not a threat. I'm bigger, faster, stronger and have much more experience than she does. There is nothing that this 1-year-old could do to threaten me, and she doesn't know the concept of threatening someone. I assume ignorance before malice because she is completely dependent upon me for her safety when I'm with her. Therefore, I don't respond to her as if she were a threat by responding with sharp tones, heavy glares and questions she cannot answer. I'm her father.

My job as a father is to have a good time with Emily, show her how to live a happy life as well as I can guide her away from danger. Discipline comes with choices, not harsh words, sharp questions or heavy glares. That's what you could do to someone who is a threat, not someone you love. I know that Emily will encounter plenty of pain and disappointment at her own hands. My job is also to show her the skills needed to learn from those experiences.

When I look back on this article, I find that these ideas apply to everyone, not just children. If you want a society that doesn't think, that responds to commands, get them into fear. You know, like the Visigoths. If you want a society that is open and flourishes with ideas, culture, inventions, families and friends, err on the side of peace. Every time.

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