The challenge is that parenting is a job without a job description.  And there is no definitive parenting guide.  As a result, there is no “right” way to parent.  So, as parents, we have a lot of latitude as to how we approach it.

Some parents approach the job by being highly involved with their kids.  Unfortunately, they then are called “helicopter” parents.  Other parents are busy with their careers and other pursuits.  They are accused of being “absentee” parents.  And then, there are parents who fall somewhere in between this spectrum in their way of parenting.

The truth is that there is no correct way to parent.  Every child has different needs.  And every parent comes to the table with different capabilities.

However, even though we have a lot of flexibility as to how we approach parenting, there are certain things that all parents need to do to in order to parent effectively.  They are what I call the Four P's of Parenting.  These are the four things that you need to do as a parent so that your children are given the best possible upbringing.

Consider how they fit in with your own approach to parenting.

Presence

It is important to be present for your child.  That is the only way to develop a close, trusting relationship.  To do that, you need to spend time with your child and talk to him or her.  And it needs to be one-on-one time.  Your child needs to have a special relationship with you that doesn’t involve his or her siblings.

There are many ways to create one-on-one time with your child.  One way is to do an activity with them that you both enjoy.  For example, my daughter and I love going to Barnes & Noble to look at books and to enjoy a cup of tea.  We have had a million heart-to-heart conversations at their bookstore café.  I know a father who watches sports with his son.  And as they watch a game, his son talks to him about anything that is on his mind.

Of course, being present for your child is a sacrifice.  It is a sacrifice of your time and energy.  But there is no other way to create a close relationship with your child.  There is no other way to pass along your advice and wisdom.  And there is no other way to be the person who your child comes to when they have a problem.

Patience

Good parenting requires patience.  That is because every period of your child’s life will have its challenges.  For instance, the toddler years are precious, but unpredictable!  You never know what they’ll get into next.  And getting them potty trained is not for the faint of heart.

The elementary school years are tough because they need to learn how to successfully function in the highly structured environment of school.  They also need to learn how to be disciplined enough to get their homework done after school.  The teen years are tricky as children navigate the world of high school socializing and learn to make good choices.

My daughter is now 18, and she is a lovely young lady.  I delight in spending time with her.  What I’ve learned over the last (almost) two decades is that there is no challenging period which lasts forever.  They all pass … and then a new challenge comes along!  That is the nature of the parenting experience.

So, the best thing that you can do for your child as he or she goes through sticky patches is to be patient.  Love your child through it.  I know that is easier said than done.  I have lost my temper more than once!  But I always have tried to remind myself that the brains of children are developing during this maturing process.  So, they won’t always do things that make sense to us as adults.  The best thing that you can do is to give them boundaries, tell them how much you love and cherish them, and know that someday your patience will pay off.

Peacefulness

The world is a tough place.  School is a tough place!  Kids can be mean.  Unfair things can happen.  It is no surprise that children can come home after school feeling discouraged, on occasion.

As a result, your home should be a refuge for your child from the world.  At the end of the day, your child should say to him or herself, “I am so happy that I can go home, see mom and dad, and rest quietly in my room.”

Your child needs a peaceful home environment.  That is why it is so important that parents with more than one child aggressively control sibling interactions.  I’ve seen so many situations in which siblings are allowed to be rude or mean to each other.  And the parents permit this behavior with the excuse, “Well, that is how siblings act.”  No, it isn’t.  That is how you are permitting your children to act.  There should be zero tolerance for any unkind behavior in your household.  Your home should be one in which your child knows that he or she will be treated with kindness and consideration, at all times.

Similarly, children need to be in a home in which their parents aren’t constantly arguing.  You do your children no favors by remaining in a marriage that is fraught with conflict.  Children are far better off being in a peaceful home with a single parent than being in a home with two parents who yell at one another, or who simply don’t speak to one another.

If you and your spouse are in a bad place, figure out how to get along with each other.  If you cannot, then do the right thing for your children and separate from the other parent.  Give your child the peaceful home that he or she deserves.

Praise

By far, the most important of the P's of Parenting is praise.  You cannot give your children too much encouragement and praise.  That is the way that you instill confidence in your child.

Your child needs to be confident in order to achieve his or her full potential.  The world has the ability to crush people.  Unfortunately, the world can be a critical, snitty place.  If you child doesn’t possess a steady, inner confidence, he or she easily will get discouraged.  Without confidence, at the first sign of criticism or meanness, your child will just give up on his or her dreams and goals.

Now, of course, there is a difference between teaching confidence and teaching arrogance.  When we teach confidence, we identify our child’s unique strengths.  We tell our child what he or she is good at.  And we praise them for their accomplishments that are the result of hard work.

When we teach arrogance, we praise our children by comparing them to others.  “You are much better at math than Susie.”  “You are a far better athlete than Bobby.”  Teaching your child arrogance doesn’t help them.  First of all, no one likes arrogant people.  They are annoying.

Second, your child will never be the best at something.  There will always be someone better.  So, help them to have confidence in their own unique abilities.  They shouldn’t need to feel superior to others in order to feel good about themselves.

Consider incorporating the Four P's of Parenting into your parenting style.  We all bring our own personalities, values and skills to parenting.  And fortunately, there is a lot of flexibility in how we approach this very unique job!  But, at the core of your parenting should be the Four P's– Presence, Patience, Peacefulness and Praise.  If you keep those Four P's at the forefront of your parenting style, your child will thank you.

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I’ve taught Sunday School for many years, and the lack of compassion that I’ve observed from some children is disturbing.  When I’ve asked students to consider the suffering of the poor or homeless, on occasion, I’ve received blank stares.  The needs of the less fortunate simply are not on their radar.

As parents, our job isn’t just to feed and clothe our children.  It also is to send decent human beings out into the world.  Our job is to produce people who will do their part to make the world a kinder, gentler place.  We can’t accomplish that if we don’t teach our children to be compassionate people.

Below are some ways to instill compassion in your children.  Consider using these some of these compassion-building techniques with your own children.

Use compassionate language.

As adults, we make a lot of off-handed comments about other people.  Occasionally, I hear people refer to homeless people as “bums.”  Some people refer to mothers who receive public assistance as “welfare mothers.”  We refer to animals without homes as “strays.”  And if there are unwanted animals or insects in our homes, we call them “pests.”

All of that language sends the following message to our children: There are people and animals in this world that are less valuable than we are.  And since they are less valuable, they don’t deserve our compassion.  That is the wrong message to send to your children.

Now, most people make these comments without having an evil intent.  It is just the language of society.  But these kinds of words send a message.  So, if you want to raise compassionate children, you need to consider the kinds of word that you use.

It is important to describe the less fortunate in a way that instills pity for them.  For example, people and animals without homes are “homeless.”  Someone on public assistance is “poor.”  The unwanted creatures who occasionally are in our homes are “visitors” who need to be gently escorted out!  Choose words that to promote the idea that those who are suffering or alone deserve our compassion and help.

Perform acts of compassion yourself.

You are your child’s first example of how to be a decent human being.  So, your child should see you doing kind deeds for others.

As a result, when you take unneeded clothes to the poor, have your child help with the process.  Have him or her pick out the clothes that should be donated, and bring your child along to make the donation.  If your child is with you at the grocery store, pick up cans to give to the local food shelter.  Speak with your child about who may benefit from these donations.

If you have elderly people in your family, make sure you and your child visit those people.  Show your child how to gently treat people who are disabled or infirm.  When you set an example of being kind to those who are in need or suffering, your child will want to do the same.  Our children want to be like us!

Teach your child to care about people globally.

In today’s society, we tend to operate like “pack animals.”  Our compassion often is limited to those in our “pack.”  So, if we share the same citizenship, gender, political party, sexual orientation and race, then we easily feel compassion for another person’s suffering.  If we don’t share those things, then we struggle to feel compassion for that person.

Unfortunately, this is a very limited approach to compassion.  To teach our children to be truly compassionate, we have to teach them to care about people who aren’t like them.  We need to teach them to be as concerned about the hungry, homeless child in India as they are about the hungry, homeless child in their home town.

To do so, we have to eliminate the negative language that we use to talk about others who aren’t like us.  So, when we talk about people who hold different political views, we should speak about them as fellow, patriotic citizens, who simply have different ideas about how our country should be run.

Similarly, when we speak about refugees from poor countries, we shouldn’t refer to them as “illegals.”  That is a simplistic word that doesn’t fully convey the complexity of the immigration situation.  When we discuss immigrants in front of our children, we should explain that these are people from poor countries, many of whom are suffering.  And we should talk about how they deserve our pity.

Treat your children and spouse with compassion.

By far, the best way to teach compassion is to act in a compassionate manner in your home.  If you frequently are critical of your spouse and children, you aren’t operating in a compassionate manner.  And guess what?  Your children will emulate you.

Early on, I figured out that the compassionate response was the best response as a parent.  For instance, when my daughter was in middle school, on occasion, she inexplicably would come home in a bad mood.  However, I quickly learned that she wasn’t being difficult on purpose.  Rather, if she was being sullen, it was because her feelings had been hurt that day.  From this experience, I learned that as a parent, negative behavior doesn’t always call for a negative response.  Rather, I learned that negative behavior calls for a compassionate response.

Similarly, it is important to treat your spouse in a compassionate manner.  Often people get comfortable in their marriages.  As a result, they say whatever pops into their heads, with little filter.  So, if their spouse is irritating or upsetting them, they’ll thoughtlessly insult their spouse.  However, when you speak to your spouse in an unkind manner, you show your children a lack of compassion that, unfortunately, they someday will emulate.

Realize that our children don’t just do what we tell them to do.  They follow our example.  They ultimately will do what we do.  So, take care to behave in the way that you want your children to behave.

Raising compassionate children is the greatest gift that we can give the world.  Setting up the next generation to be just a little bit kinder, more thoughtful and more compassionate is incredibly important.  It is the only way to ensure that our world someday will become a truly beautiful place to live for everyone.

The post Are You Raising Nice Kids? 4 Secrets to Raising Kind and Compassionate Children appeared first on FamilyToday.

But what if we sought to improve our relationships?  How would our lives change if each year we resolved to improve how we relate to those closest to us?  If we did, our lives would dramatically change for the better.

Below are some New Year’s Resolutions that you might make to improve your most intimate relationship – your relationship with your spouse.  Consider adopting some of these resolutions and see your marriage blossom in the new year!

Resolve to Appreciate Your Spouse

It is easy to take your spouse for granted. Life can get busy.  We have jobs, household responsibilities and perhaps children.  In all the hustle and bustle, we sometimes can forget how blessed we are to have someone with whom to share life’s journey.

Worse yet, sometimes we can go down the path of negativity.  We then may obsess about all the areas where our spouses are lacking.  Well, here is a news flash: You aren’t so perfect either!

Frankly, if your spouse treats you with kindness and respect and is a responsible person, then you have absolutely nothing to complain about.  If that is your situation, instead of picking apart your spouse’s imperfections, consider all the good things that he or she does for you.  And then tell your spouse why you appreciate him or her.  There is no greater marriage booster than words of appreciation!

Resolve to Respect Your Spouse’s Contribution

We live in a world in which we tend to value money over anything else. So, very often in marriages, we place a higher value on the person who makes more money.  That person is given more decision-making power.  That person’s contribution is given more respect.

The problem is that this is a misguided way of viewing a spouse’s contribution to the marriage.  The issue is that money only gets you so far.  Money pays for bills, which is very important.  But that is the beginning and end of the value of money.  Your actual standard of living is determined by a whole host of other things.

For example, you can make a million dollars a year.  But if you live in a messy house, your kids are running amuck, and you never eat a home-cooked meal, your standard of living is awful.  So, if your spouse makes sure that you have a beautifully decorated and clean home, your children are loved and cared for, and he or she prepares healthy, gourmet meals every night, respect that contribution.  Realize that your spouse is the reason for your high standard of living.

Resolve to Find Ways to Be a Team

The happiest marriages are those in which the couple is working toward a common goal. When a couple works as a team, it creates a bond between them.

Often that bond is created when couples have children.  They then work together with the goal of raising happy children.  Good parents jointly seek to provide their children with a peaceful, stable home in a safe community.  They work to raise money so that their children can have a few extras, like music and sports lessons and college educations.  Parents also spend their time together making sure that their home is a beautiful place for their family to live.  That joint project of raising happy children can turn two spouses into a terrific team.

I’ve also seen couples work together to serve their community.   There are couples at my church who have made serving the congregation their joint project.  We have one couple who makes sure that the sanctuary is heated (or air-conditioned) and ready with candles and bulletins every Sunday morning.

The key is to do something together that is selfless.  When couples jointly engage in selfless activities, they grow together in maturity and decency.  And that truly strengthens a marriage.

Resolve to Care for Your Spouse

If you want to have a happy marriage, eliminate the words, “Can you…” Can you pick up some milk at the store?  Can you pick up my dry cleaning?  Can you call the plumber about the sink?  There are few words more irritating than the words “Can you…”

Don’t burden your spouse with tasks.  My husband and I have a terrific marriage because we never say the words “Can you…”  We don’t come up with tasks for each other.  Instead, we each are focused on our own responsibilities, and on what we can do for each other.

My husband and I strive to make each other’s lives easier – not harder.  For instance, my husband will take my car to the car wash without even mentioning it.  If something is broken in the house, he fixes it without calling attention to his accomplishment.  He is the master of quietly “handling things.”

I have the luxury of working from home, so I likewise try to make my husband’s life easier.  I ensure that the house runs smoothly.  I make sure the laundry is done, our home is tidy and peaceful, and that we have good food to eat.

My husband and I care for each other, and are very careful not to burden one another.  To be happily married, the key is to focus not on what your spouse can do for you, but what you can do for your spouse (to paraphrase JFK).

So, this year, I encourage you to make some New Year’s Resolutions for your marriage.  Give some thought as to how you can strengthen this most important relationship.  If you do, your efforts will be paid back tenfold, and you will have the best year yet!

The post 4 New Year’s Resolutions to Improve Your Marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

Unfortunately, many parents view the teen years as a time to start stepping back from their parenting duties. They want to give their children more freedom. And after getting our kids through those tiring younger years, many parents want to go back to pursuing their own interests.

But our children need our support more than ever during the teen years. Even if they look like adults, realize that their brains still are not fully developed. They haven’t yet emotionally matured, and as a result, they can’t make decisions as an adult would. Yet, teenagers are expected to make decisions about very “adult” issues, like whether or not to use drugs, whether or not to have sex, and how to properly use social media.

So, teenagers need their parents. More specifically, they need good parents. They need parents who are going to be there for them, even when their teenage personalities can be prickly and difficult.

Below are some ways that you can support your teenager. Consider using them as you help your child get through these tricky teen years.

1. Don't let them flounder.

As Americans, we have the idea that everyone should “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.” And that is all well and good – for adults. Kids can’t do that. They need their parents help. And as a parent, your entire job is to help your kids.

So, if you see your child struggling in school, don’t sit back and watch. And certainly, don’t yell at them about it. Kids feel badly enough about getting bad grades. Of course, it may seem like they don’t care, but I can assure you that they do. Every child would prefer to get As instead of Ds. Some kids just have a hard time with school.

The key is to not let the situation get out of control. For example, my daughter is a top-notch student. However, math does not come easily to her, no matter how hard she studies. So, whenever she has had a challenging math class, I immediately have gotten her a tutor. These tutors either have been other teachers or older kids who were very good at math. And with the help of the tutors, she got terrific grades.

Most schools will have afterschool help for your child. So, if your child is struggling in a class, call the school or their teacher, and figure out how to get your child affordable help. The school wants to see your child succeed, and they’ll work with you to figure out a plan to make that happen.

Similarly, if you child is struggling with a mental health issue, don’t ignore it. Yes, teenagers can be moody. But there is a big difference between normal moodiness and depression or anxiety.

If you don’t know what is happening emotionally with your teen, have a heart-to-heart talk with your child. If that doesn’t work, have your child speak with a school counselor or psychologist. Kids often will spill their feelings more easily to a stranger rather than to a parent.

Admittedly, as parents, we don’t want to think of our kids as being mentally fragile or needing therapy. And we may not want our friends and family members to know that our children have mental health issues. But this isn’t about our feelings, as parents. This is about getting our children every last bit of help that they need in order to successfully get through the teen years.

So, don’t let your kids flounder. Be proactive. If you see your child struggling, hop on the issue. Your child’s life will be so much easier if you aggressively address any issues that arise.

2. Be boring.

When kids become teenagers, parents typically hit middle age. And, unfortunately, I see many middle-aged parents trying to relive their youth by attempting to be cool or interesting. But that is not what your teens need from you.

Kids want parents who are stable. Your teen may call you “boring” with an eyeroll, but I can assure you that being boring is the highest compliment that your teenager can pay you. Being boring means only one thing to teenagers: My mom or dad is reliable.

No kid wants a middle-aged dad who rides a motorcycle, or a 40-something mom who goes out every Thursday for “Wine Night” with her girlfriends. Kids want parents who go to church (or some place of worship) once a week. They want parents who make corny jokes and wear age-appropriate clothing. In short, kids want parents who are normal.

The challenge is that middle-aged parents are susceptible to going off the deep end. They are halfway through life and facing their own mortality. And they are lamenting all the things that they didn’t do in their youth.

And then these parents get this genius idea: “I can do all the things that I should have done when I was 20 right now, even though I am 50!” Except it isn’t a genius idea. Because your 20s are over, and your opportunity to be cool has passed. And now you only have one job – to be a good parent. And that means being a parent who is reliable, stable, normal, and yes, boring.

3. Be your teen's "go to" person.

If your teenager has a problem, you should be the first person that they run to. If they are getting their advice from their peers or their siblings, that is a problem. Because then, your child effectively is being raised by other children. And if you have ever read “The Lord of the Flies,” you know how well that goes.

Children need adult guidance. They need your guidance. But they aren’t going to come to you for help, if they are worried about your reaction.

Your job as a parent is to keep a cool head no matter what the circumstance. You need to be a rock for your kids. If you freak out at the smallest bump in the road, your kids can’t come to you for help.

For example, recently, my daughter hit a parked car as she was backing out of a parking spot. The damage was minor – a small scrape. But she was completely distraught when she came home after the incident.

Now there are a lot of reactions that you can have when your kid swipes a car. You can get mad. You can be upset. You can complain about how your insurance rates are going to go up. Or you can do what I did and say, “Don’t worry about it. No one was hurt. Just give me as much information as you can, and we’ll handle it with the insurance company. It’s not a big deal. These things happen.”

And I truly wasn’t upset. I felt sorry for her because she was overwhelmed by the experience. She just felt so badly about it. And it was my job, as a parent, to handle it, and to take some of the pressure of the experience off her.

The more your respond in a controlled and comforting way when bad things happen, the more comfortable your teens will feel in coming to you with both their big and small problems. Your children need to see you as a person who is in control. That means eliminating the drama.

There are lots of people who are negative, or who get easily overwhelmed by the smallest problem. They don’t make good parents. Good parents don’t complain. They don’t freak out. They handle problems with as little emotion as possible. If your kids see you handling your problems in a reserved and level-headed manner, they will see you as someone who they can turn to with any issue.

Consider using the above approaches to make your children’s teen years successful ones. The teen years are tough for both parents and kids, but they also are incredibly important. If you can get your children through this period with a high level of self-esteem, good morals and sound judgment, it will be your greatest accomplishment in life. And one day, when your children are adults, they will thank you for it.

The post 3 Ways to Support Your Children Through the Teen Years appeared first on FamilyToday.