Inevitably, life will become challenging at some point. Circumstance will smack us across the face with an uppercut, a left hook or a coup de grĂ¢ce. When this happens, we have to make a choice: Do we want to be a carrot or an egg?

Let me explain.

Place an egg in boiling water and its insides turn hard. On the other hand, place a carrot in the same boiling water and it becomes soft. The boiling water represents our challenges.

Life's tempests can harden one person but soften another.

In other words, will we allow our circumstances to make us soft? Will we grow in love and empathy towards others? Will we allow the pain to shape us into the image of Christ? Or, will we allow trials bury us and make our hearts hard towards God and others?

Do you want to be a carrot or an egg?

Choosing to be a carrot means that we will allow our suffering to produce greater love in us. This is God's way. I think of Romans 5 and James 1:

"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" (vv. 3-5).

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (vv.2-4).

Diamonds have an attractive beauty. Yet their shimmering nature and expensive cost are only formed by insatiable pressure in high heat for long periods of time. One supported theory is that diamonds can actually be created by the massive impact of asteroids hitting the earth surface.

I can't think of a better metaphor for life. Maybe the precious jewels of our relationship with God and our character are forged when our own personal skies fall?

Storms will come. We all know this. Jesus states that the Father "causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous (Matthew 5:45). In fact, during his Sermon on Mount, the Lord promises us trials.

We can sing in the rain but it can't be done in human strength. The new way for the Christian is life in the spirit. This is why Jesus' summary is the following:

"Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock (vv. 24-25).

No matter what happens to us, our foundation must be Christ

To use another metaphor, think of the benefits of wildfires. Sure, they bring mass destruction, but much good arises from the aftermath. I read that wildfires "are a natural and necessary part of the ecosystem. Even healthy forests contain dead trees and decaying plant matter; when a fire turns them to ashes, nutrients return to the soil instead of remaining captive in old vegetation. Fire ... eliminates diseases or droves of insects that may have been causing damage to old growth. Wildflowers begin to bloom abundantly."

What a beautiful picture in how God works. Beauty in ashes. Whether you're in a storm, a wildfire, or an asteroid just rocked your world, it's important to put your hope in Christ and allow the circumstances to form you like Jesus.

Be a carrot. Let the hot water soften you and don't become hard. And look for the wildflowers amidst your ashes.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Eric Demeter's website. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

The post How will you choose when life gets hard? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Eric Demeter's blog. It has been republished here with permission.

Several years ago, a creative friend of mine, decided to reveal his romantic feelings to a certain woman. In the middle of winter, he led her to a bridge that spanned a white, solidified river. He began hurling boulders over the wall, crushing the ice and revealing the frigid water below. After each stone drop, he asked her, "What am I doing?" "I don't know," she responded warily. After several failed attempts, he finally explained to her, "I'm breaking the ice."

My friend's attempt at initiating a relationship was clearly unconventional and humorous! Yet, this seems to be the general protocol of evangelical Christian dating: a man pursues a woman while the woman waits to be pursued. It's not a bad system, per say, when it works.

But what happens when that model doesn't fit your story?

Several of my single female friends are frustrated. They see their 20's and 30's flying by without a quality relationship in sight. Their angst stems from their felt powerlessness to change to the situation. Indeed, their feelings are on standby, and it's painful for them to wait endlessly in relationship purgatory. Ugh.

What measures, then, is a Christian woman free to take when she isn't being asked out?" And, what can a woman do if she likes a certain guy but he isn't pursuing? Both questions have the same answer.

Here's the bottom line: It's my belief that women are not bound by the religious cultural norm of dating passivity. In other words, they are totally free to make the first move.

Before explaining why, let me offer a poignant conversation I had with a friend in her 30's.

Me: "Pauline, are you dating anyone?"

Friend: "No, but I like a guy."

Me: "How long have you liked him?"

Friend: "A year-and-a-half."

Me: "Does he even know you like him!?"

Friend: "No. I'm waiting for himto ask me out."

Me: "Why don't you let him know that you're interested?"

Friend: "I don't want to pursue him!"

Me: "Telling a guy you like him is NOTthe same thing aspursuing him!"

Friend: "Maybe you're right "¦"

Can you relate?

A woman in this situation has four viable options.

First, she can accept the status quo and wait for him to ask her out. Second, she can wait and flirt with him, in hopes that these signals gain his attention. Thirdly, she can let this person go. Lastly, she can inform him of her feelings and even ask him out.

Pauline obviously chose option one, and forfeited progress in the relationship until the man pursued. But her waiting game didn't work. Instead, he began dating someone else.

Ouch.

I'm sure she's not alone. It's customary for women to take the inactive role, right? But from where does this norm originate? Scripture? Christian teaching? Secular culture?

Scripture is all but mum on the specific topic of dating. Instead, what Scripture reveals is a hodgepodge of marriage stories - many of which are a debacle. Jacob found his wife at a well, but had to work seven years for her. Widowed Ruth blatantly pursued Boaz, presenting herself at his feet. King David married Abigail after killing her husband.

Were these stories meant to be archetypes for us to follow? Hardly.

What the Bible does provide are three specific rules for Christians to adhere to when choosing a spouse:

1. Do not be yoked together with a non-Christian (2 Cor. 6:14).

2. Don't marry someone who is divorced unless there are valid reasons (Mat. 19:1-12).

3. Avoid sex before marriage (1 Cor. 7).

Outside of these commands, Scripture focuses on who to seek to marry, not how to get there with them. Spiritual and emotional maturity are paramount. The Golden Rule (Lk 6:31), the Fruit of the Spirit (Gal 5:22), and 1 Corinthians 13 are all solid litmus tests in assessing the character of a potential mate.

Inside this fence, God gave us a huge dating-yard to play within.

Ladies, let me say this plainly: It was my friend's choice to pine over this man for eighteen months. But this laissez-faire notion of dating kept her from moving forward or moving-on with a new relationship.

So this is my challenge to the stuck, single females who are passively waiting to be swept off their feet: Your ship may not come in; instead, you may need to swim out to sea and find it. Empower yourself. There's absolutely nothing unfeminine, improper, or unbiblical about taking the initiative with a guy. And it also doesn't mean you're brazen, feminist, or liberal.

It means you want to be married - and that's completely normal.

Even after going on a limb you may not get the response your heart desires. Nevertheless, isn't hearing some answer better than no answer?

To be clear: I'm not advocating for unstructured dating or androgynous relationships. There is a biblical design for marriage. If you're convicted to wait and let a man pursue then that's OK! My only point is that it takes the same faith to wait as it does to make the first move with him. It's up to you to decide how Spirit is leading.

Finally, remember the goal is to be married, not to follow a fairly-tale model of dating. Think about this: Fifty years from now when you and your husband are sitting in your rockers, playing Bingo, and eating dinner at 4 o'clock, will it really have mattered who broke the ice in the relationship?

No.

Be bold. Be brave. Change the status quo.

The post It’s OK for women to make the first move appeared first on FamilyToday.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Eric Demeter's blog. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

In the classic 1972 novel "The Stepford Wives," a town of lucky husbands land their perfect wives and live in a veritable utopia. The women are submissive, trustworthy, beautiful, and servant-like. They are also superb cooks and attentive moms. The only problem is that they are actually robots.

That's too bad.

But seriously, who hasn't pondered what their perfect spouse would be like? Mine would be a cross between Mother Teresa of Calcutta and the latest winner of the Ms. Universe Pageant. She'd be Mother Teresa in the sense that she would be an exemplar in faith, a model of servant-heartedness, and display an ever-compassionate spirit. Then, if this saint could merge her gorgeous inside with the physical exquisiteness from that of a beauty queen, she'd be one, remarkable amalgamation in my book.

Her name, by the way, would be Teresa Universe.

If you're a Christian and value perfectionism, you're on the right track, because God certainly does as well. In fact, He commands it. Jesus, during His famous Sermon on the Mount, charges the crowd to "Be perfect "¦ as your Heavenly Father is perfect" (Matthew 5:48).

But Jesus isn't describing a superficial or carnal perfection. The Greek word for "perfect" in this verse is "telioi," and its true meaning is that of moral "maturity" or "wholeness." In fact, the Book of James uses the same root word in 1:4 which states, "Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (italics added).

God's idea of perfectionism, therefore, is in stark contrast with how it is portrayed in mainstream media or even in popular Christian culture. With this in mind, there are three foundational truths we can extract from Jesus's command to "be perfect."

Truth #1

First, as noted above, a Biblical perspective on perfectionism has everything to do with developing a solid character and has nothing to do with finding someone with a superhero or Barbie doll body.

Truth #2

Second, as Jesus states in Matthew 7, the challenge of maturity begins with us, not anyone else. Jesus unapologetically commands His followers to "first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Truth #3

Thirdly, and subsequently, this new idea of perfectionism should compel us to modify criteria for a potential wife or husband. If that means writing a new list of salient characteristics, let it begin with the "Fruit of the Spirit" found Galatians 5:22-23.

What do I do now?

Reading Psalm 139:23-24 is the place we need to start if we are serious about exchanging the world's values for God's.

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

As God reveals insights to us, we will have the privilege of repenting and renewing our minds as stated in Romans 12: "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind."

Fortunately, when we engage in this process of sanctification, it will not only free ourselves, but will also free others from meeting our own unrealistic expectations.

Yet, continuing to "cut and paste" a selfish wish-list of attributes for a future mate will only lead to despondence. Indeed, this theoretical person will never be real outside of our minds. Men: Teresa Universe just doesn't exist. Moreover, we are all fallen people who will marry someone just as flawed, needy, and as unfinished as we are. And they will depend on God's grace to fill in the flaws in their life just as much as we will need to.

Speaking to ladies, in particular, if your idea of the perfect man would be sewing together the face of Brad Pitt, the allure of George Clooney, the faith of Billy Graham, and the adventurous spirit of John Eldredge, you won't get the perfect husband. Instead, your patchwork will be Frankenstein. Please don't marry Frankenstein. He ravaged German villages, and people were scared of him.

The point is that true perfection, as defined by God, has the goal of exemplary Christian virtue as defined by Christ's life. It will take more than a lifetime to attain. And if we are fortunate to find someone else who is going after the same goal, it will create a solid foundation for a godly relationship.

The post Why you should look for the perfect mate appeared first on FamilyToday.

Shortly thereafter, there was a perturbing newsflash in the campus newspaper. Apparently, the male students were refusing to take female students on dates. And the ladies were frustrated. Indeed, one particularly jaded, yet highly motivated female student decided to publish her angst. The result was nothing short of a written intervention!

The author attributed her peers' lack of courting prowess to men playing too many video games. She also begrudgingly claimed that if the guys actually took them on a date, it would probably be to their dorm room to play "Halo" anyway.

Ouch!

I was both shocked and entertained. I thought, "Seriously? Why did an attractive woman need to write such a plea?" To say this problem was non-existent among secular students is an understatement.

Fast-forward twelve years from when this article was published: It seems the tidal wave of frustration from single women has yet to subside. It's unproductive that social media is fueling many of these popular stereotypes. These invalidated memes only agitate the frustration and do nothing to heal the wound.

With this in mind, let me debunk five myths associated with guys, singleness, and the dating culture. Hopefully these will begin to calm the tumultuous waters caused by these issues.

Myth #1: Men are not pursuing women (or, men don't want to be married)

Truth: According to the Barna Research Group, 84 percent of Christians will get married at some point. Therefore, if you believe matrimony is sparked by the initial pursuit of a man, then 84 percent of men will pursue a woman in their life. This exposes the myth that men don't pursue. So cheer up women! The odds are in your favor - you will most likely be married.

Furthermore, in my social circles, the statistic is much higher. I'd postulate that 99 percent of my male cronies place marriage as an important goal. (My one friend who is adamant about maintaining his singleness can be the token, "Bachelor to the Rapture.")

Myth #2: Men are too picky

Truth: Actually, this stereotype has at least the potential to be true. Statistically, there are just more women in church than men. According to a Gallup poll, the average church in America is made of up 47 percent women and only 39 percent men.

Sorry ladies, the fact is, there's just not enough of us go around on Sundays! But seriously, this is not a good deal for you. It's like attempting to win at five-card poker with only four cards.

Even so, a theoretical increase in opportunity for us men doesn't equate to us increasing our criteria for potential wives. What is true is that both women and men often write absurd non-negotiable lists for their future spouses. Lastly, it only takes one person to marry, regardless of which gender is dominant in church.

Myth #3 It's not painful for men to be single

Truth: Men also feel the sting of singleness. Biologically, we have the same number of pain receptors as women. And wasn't it Adam who was originally alone in the Garden? Twice, the Bible states that God needed to create Eve because "no suitable helper was found." Men need women as much as women need men.

My solo-life has been an emotional roller-coaster. It's had its advantages, like world travel. But if I take one more photo next to my buddy (and not my wife) at some arbitrary ancient ruin, I'll consider joining a monastery in reprise.

Let's stop this madness. Singleness hurts us both because many of our hopes and dreams are wrapped in the blanket of marriage.

At the same time, many women endure a unique pain that is tied to their time-sensitive dream of bearing children. Some men long to become dads as well, but their bodies don't "tick" in the same manner. Guys need to understand and empathize with this clock.

Myth #4: Singleness indicates men are immature

If a certain woman desires to be married more than a certain man, it doesn't make her more mature. It onlyreveals she wants to be married more! Where does Scripture claim that marriage is the litmus test for spiritual maturity anyway? It's easy to forget that the apostle Paul actually warns about the dangers of marriage in 1 Corinthians 7.

Certainly, some men should relinquish their adolescent thinking and limit playing video games. In a society of fatherless families and deadbeat dads, this is no surprise. These BAAM's (Boys Acting As Men) need to be appropriately mentored. At the same time, I've met plenty of women who share similar juvenile thinking.

Myth #5: The genders need to battle

Truth: We are in this together. God created us male and female to complement each other and to reflect His Divine nature - not to battle. Let's withdraw our fighting stance, therefore, and cease sparring. Instead of being enemies, let's fight in unity the adversary Jesus mentions.

We are dependent on each other - to be married, to have a family, and to enjoy intimacy. It will take both voices, singing in harmony, to figure out this relationship-enigma.

Truce?

I'm not sure the author's barbed editorial ever gave her the date-night she was looking for. I never asked. But, like many women today, she needed to air her grievance. Moreover, the issues that keep us single are more complex than just blaming a few immature men. Let's stop drinking the purple Kool-Aid and, instead, sip some lattes, and have a real conversation.

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In the classic 80s movie, "Back to the Future," Marty McFly journeys back in time to fix the mistakes of his dysfunctional family. He succeeds in the nick of time with the help of a nutty professor and a sports car time machine. Legendary Superman also attempts to re-write history after failing to save his beloved Lois Lane in the 1978 film, "Superman." In his grief, he hurls himself around the earth in the opposite direction of its spin, rewinding the clock, and avoiding tragedy.

Wouldn't it be nice to change the past?

But unfortunately, the painful events that occurred a decade, a year, or even a moment ago, cannot be altered - not with a DeLorean, nor with flying around the globe at supersonic speeds. Our mistakes aren't any different - mulligans in life are just not possible.

Mistakes come in a myriad of shapes and sizes. Some are minuscule and can be easily whisked away. Others are colossal and can lead to long-term regret. In the latter case, there are no simple answers.

The solution to these checkered events certainly isn't brooding over them. It's much like squirming around in quicksand - it only pulls us deeper into the hole. What we need is a solid rope to get us unstuck. But instead, we often receive thread-like one-liners such as "It's not a big deal," "Get over it," or "Don't worry about it."

The list below is not a magical formula, but five points that will support a foundation for relieving our past mistakes. Hopefully these pillars provide the solid cable we need to free us from the mud that incessantly seeks to bury us.

1. Embrace your membership

The first pillar to stand upon is to know that we are all human. We all make mistakes - they are inherent to who we are. The playing field is leveled, therefore, because we all relate to falling short in some way, shape, or form. Some of us, like me, probably even have a special blooper reel in heaven. Whatever the gravity, however, we can all relate to missing the mark. This gives everyone a membership card to the most ubiquitous association on earth: The Being Human Club.

Thankfully, from a Christian view, God gives us plenty of other real-life ragamuffins to whom we can relate. The Apostle Peter denied Jesus three times in public, but then became a patriarch of the faith. We also read about an insolent son in Luke 15 who abhorrently takes his father's inheritance. The story ends with him returning home to an exuberant father who receives him with open arms. As The Book of Romans states, "None is righteous, no, not one."

Welcome aboard.

2. Know that Jesus wasn't blind

I'm thankful Jesus became a human being and understands our weaknesses. Not all mistakes are sins, but all sins are mistakes. Where we have directly offended God, Jesus died for whatever you did or didn't do. And through His death and resurrection, we can carry another more important membership card labeled, "Redeemed, Child of God."

Because of this new affiliation, there is no need to continue torturing ourselves. Jesus already endured the ultimate pain and suffering so we wouldn't have to. When He was nailed to a Roman cross, Jesus wasn't wearing rose-colored glasses - He had no allusions for the all the past, present, and future sins for that which He was dying.

Get out of perdition and accept forgiveness. Then, forgive yourself.

3. Go to school

If we don't deal with our past mistakes, they will deal with us. That is why it's paramount to learn how we could have acted differently. Indeed, it is healthy to create space to assess how our past mistakes will inform our future decisions.

In theory, mistake's tutelage is best learned once, and its classroom attended only in brevity. I am akin, however, to hitting my head numerous times against the same wall. Only after suffering many bruises do I finally decide to change. I often wonder, "Will I ever graduate the school of hard-knocks?"

Maybe you can relate.

In any case, we can rest in the love of a God who is relentlessly patient with us, no matter how many times we must retake the same course.

4. Keep only the treasure

A key question is, "Who sold us the lie that we need to dwell on our mistakes?" On the contrary, our mental health would greatly benefit from actually neglecting them. This certainly doesn't mean denying the shameful parts of our story. It only means their negative power doesn't have the power to keep us stuck. Then, we can choose, on our own timetable, when to give them attention.

This process is similar to scuba diving for treasure. We swim below to the deteriorating vessel in search of meaningful artifacts. When we dig-up precious relics (memories), we can gladly take those with us. But when rusted, unusable ones are found, we are free to leave them behind. In fact, let them decay. If we do, the negative emotional impact of our mistakes will fade over time.

5. Focus on the road ahead

The future doesn't change the past but it soundly trumps it. If previous events painted a bleak picture, let the brushstrokes of hope create a more colorful future.

Think about it: Life seen as a marathon is difficult enough to run even forwards. But people who get stuck in the past have the added burden of running the same endurance race backwards. It's counterproductive to move in one direction while looking in another. Turn around. Potholes are much easier to avoid when we focus on what is ahead. Even though we can't change our past with a time machine or superpowers, we shouldn't be discouraged. In our human state of constant repair, we have One who has already fixed our most important problems. So we can learn from our mistakes, look to the future, and walk in the freedom of His forgiveness.

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I've had the privilege of being mentored by a marriage and family therapist for the past 14 years. Mentoring is a huge understatement and is probably only a euphemism he uses to soften the fact that I've actually been receiving free therapy all this time! Meeting with professionals like him would normally cost a truckload of money, so I'm very thankful he's never sent me a bill. If he did, I'd probably owe him at least $20,000 - no joke.

Through hundreds of our unofficial counseling sessions, I've gleaned at least five key aspects of dating that are relevant to both singles and those who are in a relationship.

1. Search for a spouse like you would a calling

Some people had their vocational calling revealed to them from an early age. Whether it was a doctor, school teacher, or an artist, these individuals knew their ideal career since they first listened to a heartbeat through a stethoscope or sketched with a pencil. The majority of others, however, have probably hiked more ambiguous career paths, placing effort into searching for their God-given vocational passions by trying at least a few different venues.

Likewise with finding a spouse: Some people married their high school or college sweetheart while the rest of us will probably need to go on at least a few dates to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. The point of searching for a spouse like you would a calling, therefore, becomes twofold. First, resting in the fact that God knows our hearts, and we can trust He will bring us a spouse as part of our overall calling. Second, it is His responsibility to reveal this person to us as we put effort into finding him or her.

2. Rethink your list

A lot of us have created a mental or physical checklist of qualities we seek in a spouse. These traits are based on the values we hold or what we find most important. The first list I created many years ago contained over 30 obligatory qualities for my future partner! (Any wonder why I'm still single?!)

However, it is important to remember that lists will always reveal more about us than they ever will about someone else. Whenever we label something (or someone) we are essentially only defining ourselves. Understanding this concept helps us hold on to our list loosely, writing most items in pencil, not in pen. If, however, we clutch to an ironclad, stagnant list, we could very easily miss a potential mate. Our future spouse will be far more colorful and dynamic than a list will ever encompass, so give God permission to add, subtract, and modify it frequently.

3. Regularly visit the spiritual gym

I believe the type of effort required to create an amazing marriage will be similar to the work required to win the Super Bowl. Professional football teams spend countless, dedicated hours at the gym and endure many grueling practices during the regular season. They fully expect their hard work and discipline to pay off. If the team becomes the champions, you would expect words like endurance, sacrifice, and preparation to be used by the players in postgame interviews.

Likewise, the time we invest during our single years becomes our own regular season and the optimal training ground for marriage. Marriage will undoubtedly challenge all of our selfishness, pride, and ego, so why wait until the playoffs (dating) and the Super Bowl (marriage) to begin training for the most daunting human-to-human relationship? It is true that Christ doesn't ask us to refine ourselves for our future spouse; instead, He commands us to transform for His sake (1 Timothy 4:8). A healthy marriage will just reap the benefits of spiritual fitness.

4. Clarify meaning often

Miscommunication and strife often occur in relationships when two people place different meanings on the same event or circumstance. For example, I could ask a woman out for coffee instead of asking her on a date. In my head, I meant coffee-date, but left unverbalized, she could very well be receiving mixed signals. Then, when we are sipping lattes together, we have to deal with the unnecessary and awkward vagueness of trying to guess the meaning the other person is placing on the outing.

Even during steady dating relationships, differences in meaning also occur with regularity. If Rebekah wants me to meet her parents, I might believe the relationship is getting serious, but she may consider it just another fun date. This is totally normal. Mixed meanings like this occur in all aspects of guy-girl friendships and dating relationships, whether it is placing a hand on a hip, going on a road trip together, or meeting siblings.

The bottom line is that when you feel there could be a discrepancy in the meaning of a circumstance, it is important to communicate the significance you place on it. Habits like this from the get-go will produce an honest and healthy relationship.

5. Lead your heart. Don't let it lead you

Scripture commands us to "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23) Following this wisdom will protect us from unnecessary pain if the relationship ends before marriage. The primary way we lead our heart (and not let it lead you) is by taking the relationship S-L-O-W.

We can deliberately take an unhurried approach to a new relationship by following three principles. First, center the conversations on mutual interests and minimize deeper conversations until higher commitment exists. Second, focus the relationship on fun, shared activities such as jogging, playing board games, or attending a concert. Third, place a moratorium on physical touch until you are confident in the direction of the relationship. This may seem extreme, but enticing activities like holding hands and kissing become tantamount to emotional Super Glue. And if you've ever accidentally glued two fingers together, you understand how painful it is when you tear them apart.

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All of us singles have been the recipient of a litany of horrible dating advice over the years. These arm-chair psychologists are only trying to help, yet, so much of their unsolicited counsel about dating and finding a spouse is misguided. Sadly, much of the horrible dating advice we receive today is also peddled by our well-intentioned family members or close friends. It mostly comes from shortsighted anecdotes about their own personal experiences, and what worked and didn't work for them. Then, over time and like a scandalous rumor, we begin to believe that this poor dating advice is true, as we hear it over and over.

To date, here are the top five worst pieces of dating advice I've received:

1. Dating is a numbers' game

It's probably true that most of us will probably need to date at least a few people before we find our spouse. However, the view that you need to date as many people as possible to find the "right one" can be taken to the extreme. This form of dating can then turn into a game of playing the lottery with people. In other words, the more "tickets" we purchase, the greater chances we'll have of "winning" the huge payout.

The irrationality of this thinking should be obvious: we are not robots - like the pre-conversion tin-man. Indeed, the break-up of a dating relationship has much more of an impact on our emotional and spiritual health than losing on a scratch-off ticket. We cannot avoid the experience of pain and loss from failed relationships. This is why focusing on quantity over quality can force flippant decisions, and will cause unnecessary pain for you and the other person.

2. You'll meet your spouse when you stop looking

People often respond with this pithy maxim when, in their opinion, someone they know is struggling with singleness "purgatory" and has been putting too much effort into finding a mate. There is certainly a lot of merit in not acting out of desperation and taking seasons off from dating. However, taken to the extreme, this reverse psychology approach (of sticking your head in the sand yet expecting to find a serious relationship) is an oxymoron at best. Much of what we long for in life in discovering a fulfilling vocation, experiencing God, and meeting our future spouse, are byproducts of the effort we put into finding them.

3. Just follow your heart

Usually, what people mean when they encourage you to "follow your heart" is to not overanalyze the relationship (or the person), but to follow your feelings, wants, and desires instead. Dating can and should be fun. Feelings like physical attraction, happiness, and even infatuation will occur, and they should be enjoyed while they last. But, if you get caught up in the tidal wave of feelings without an anchor of rational thought and sober discernment, your thinking will become clouded by the excitement of the new relationship. Blindly following your heart's wave of emotions, without getting your brain involved, can then quickly crash you onto the rocks of reality if the relationship ends.

4. You're being too picky

People often say this to someone when they have turned down a seemingly viable guy or gal match. But it's actually not a matter of being too "picky" at all; it's a matter of holding high expectations. This may come as a surprise, but a famous marriage researcher named John Gottman has stated that "People who have higher standards and higher expectations for their marriage (including romantic ones) have the best marriages, not the worst."

Similar to a self-fulfilling prophecy, people who hold higher standards for marriage will essentially find a more satisfying one. With this premise in mind, you're free to create a list of healthy, realistic expectations of marriage and a mate. If you're a Christ follower, you can align your list with "God's list" to help unveil His perfect spouse for you.

5. If you want them to like you, play hard to get

This feeble attempt at making yourself seem more appealing comes in many forms. For example, some people might intentionally wait long periods to return a phone call/text message or generally act aloof to the relationship. Creating this unhealthy pursue-distance cycle may work for a while, but contrivance will ultimately leave the other person confused and feeling disrespected. The nascent relationship will then be damaged.

Moreover, if your early stage of companionship is based on guile, what do you expect the latter part of the relationship to end up like? Lastly, if you follow the Golden Rule of "treating others as we would want to be treated," then it will be the antidote to you manipulating others and game-playing.

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