I think I have been doing you a disservice by promoting "you are not your body" and I am sorry.

It really is a lie.

Your body is a part of you whether you want it to be or not.

I have struggled with my body image since I was in elementary school. I would stand in front of a mirror and pick myself apart, hoping that one day I would look at my reflection and see all the things I wanted it to look like reflected back at me. The reflection in the mirror was never enough and these thoughts didn't change for 20+ long years.

For years I distanced myself from my body that I hated. I couldn't get a new body so I ran as fast as I could away from the one I had. Choosing to focus all my efforts and attentions on my soul, my heart, my thoughts, my actions because those things didn't require my physical body to make them happen. I was continually shouting "I AM NOT MY BODY" to keep me as far away as possible to inhabiting my physical body.

After years of telling myself "I am not my body," "I am NOT my body," "I AM NOT MY BODY," one day I was no longer my body. My body was no longer a part of me and I chose for it to be that way. Here is where things get tricky - I got married and suddenly I was supposed to have this experience with my husband that was ALL ABOUT MY BODY and how my body felt, all while connecting to him on a deeper more intimate level. The problem was my body was present but my soul, my heart, my mind - essentially all things ME - was not.

I was so focused on ignoring my body and focusing on everything else that I was not present during intimacy. I was not connecting to my husband and I was not letting him connect to me. I often would feel angry, used and like an object for my husband's desires. Sometimes I would find myself hysterically crying after with no reason as to why. My husband would look at me with wide, sad eyes because he had no idea why I felt this way or what to do to help me.

For years I have blamed my body image issues, and I know that is still part of it, but I feel like a huge part of it was me not associating or identifying with my body. I felt like a victim instead of a player on the team. Things were happening to my body, the body that was supposed to be connected to my soul, my heart, but there was no connection between them, so there was nowhere for that intimate connection to go. What I had thought would save me from the heartache, my body actually sabotaged my marriage and sex life.

I have spent months in therapy trying to figure out why I would get so upset about sex or anything intimate. Why did I feel like an object when I knew my husband loved me dearly? Why have I spent 10 years of marriage with a wall up, never really letting my husband in because the only way he could reach me was a dead end? I finally got my answer the other day. I had forgotten one of the pieces to my puzzle - MY BODY and the role it played. My therapist has been working on this with me, she had driven this message home but nothing explained it as well as Glennon did from Momastery - sex had become an out of body experience. For some reason when I watched her video everything my therapist had been trying to help me understand was crystal clear and I could now come up with a plan of action.

After we have disconnected our bodies from ourselves, how do we get the connection back?

I am still on this journey and I will share more as I learn more, but here are a few things that have helped so far.

Keeping my mind present. So many times during intimacy my mind would be somewhere else, thinking about anything and everything but what was happening in that moment. It is like how can you enjoy the sunset if you are not looking at it? How can you enjoy intimacy if you are not feeling it? In order to connect with him I have to be present. How do you stay present? My therapist suggested I focus on the warmth of his hand and how it feels against my skin. She suggested doing this outside of intimacy also. When we are on a date and he is holding my hand I focus on how it feels, and why it feels that way to me. If he is rubbing my back I focus on the warmth his hand leaves behind. I try and concentrate on what is happening and how it makes me feel. This has helped me dramatically establish the belief that he is a safe place and he would never hurt me.

My therapist also suggested connecting to your body and the things that it does do for you. Write a list of things your body does for you. Focus on things like the places your legs allow you to go, the people your hands allow you to serve and love. Your eyes that allow you to see the people you love and the sunset.

YOU are made up of your mind, your heart, your soul and YOUR BODY. Your body allows you to experience things that your heart, soul, and mind can't and vice versa. There has to be a balance. We can't forget about one piece and make it work. There are four pieces to the puzzle called YOU and if one is missing then YOU ARE INCOMPLETE.

You are your body. It is not ALL of you but it is a part of you and it is time to start treating it as the part of you it is.

The post You are YOUR body appeared first on FamilyToday.

This is a post I have been avoiding. It is one I am going to freak out when I hit the publish button BUT I am going to write it anyway in the hopes that maybe just one person is impacted by my words.

I have an eating disorder.

I restrict what I eat to the point of starvation. I do this when I am stressed, when I feel like I am not in control of things in my life, when I am sad or frustrated. I also do this when I compare my body to someone else's. The majority of my life I have struggled with never feeling and being enough. I longed to be perfect and lovable because those two things go together right? For years my eating disorder was fueled by a belief, a belief that I would never be pretty enough or even just enough to be loved by someone. I knew I wasn't pretty by the worlds standards, but I knew I could always be thin and this became what I believed about myself for 20 years.

They say that it takes 7 to 10 years to feel confident enough to say you are recovered from an eating disorder. I am only 3 years in to my recovery and what feels like an eternity lies ahead of me. I am in a much better place now but everyday I have to make choices to stay healthy. Just like with any addiction there are psychological triggers that can send you right back down the dark path you just walked and eating disorders are no different. There are triggers everywhere and those triggers are what I want to talk about in this post.

A trigger is something that sets off a flashback, which transports the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.

Triggers are very personal; different things trigger different people. A person may begin to avoid situations that they think triggered the flashback. They will react to this flashback, trigger with an emotional intensity similar to that at the time of the trauma. A person's triggers are activated through one or more of the five senses: sight, sound, touch, smell and taste.

True to this way of thinking one of my biggest triggers is sight. I am triggered by photos of people who have skinny, rocking, hot bods, who are beautiful and seem to feel enough and comfortable in their own skin. These pictures trigger me to hear all the voices of the people who made fun of me and called me ugly when I was young. I have heard people say that pictures are not a trigger and I would beg to differ on this. In fact, in treatment we were advised not to share photos of our weight gain or weight loss because it is such a HUGE trigger for people. I am also triggered by the words that go with these pictures. These images send me into a dark, dark hole. A hole I would never wish upon anyone. I am sharing this because I believe that awareness creates change. When we become aware I think we choose to be a little more gentle and thoughtful. I am not calling anyone out. I just want you to think about the pictures you post and products you promote.

Fix it messages are plastered all over social media through advertising campaigns. Fix it messages are found on every magazine at the checkout counter. I am sure you have seen them everywhere. The advertisement that says:

• Lose 10 lbs in 7 days.
• Get sexy flat abs with this 10 minute workout.
• Lose inches and look stunning.
• Look 10 years younger.
• Say goodbye to cellulite.
• Lose inches in as little as 45 minutes
• Wrap your way to a better body!
• Get beach body ready.

These eye-catching phrases are usually accompanied by a photo of some gorgeous, smiling, happy, person, with the perfect body to go with it, and these ads now have you hook, line and sinker. If you are like me, I subconsciously associate sexy, beautiful, happy and lovable with looking like these models and who doesn't want to be sexy, beautiful, happy and loved? Businesses know this and this is why they advertise it in this way. They bank on the fact that you want the happiness, beauty and sexiness they are selling, and they bank on the fact you want to look just like the person in the photo. They make you feel broken and in need of repair so you'll want the quick fix they are selling.

My question is what happens when our body will never look like their body? What happens when we don't find the happiness we were seeking? What happens when the quick fix ends up being just that "¦ a quick fix?

FIX IT MESSAGES

• Cosmetic surgery is up 446% in the last decade.

• 92% of those procedures are performed on girls and women.

• The majority of those procedures are breast augmentation and liposuction.

A FEW MORE FACTS

• 71% of women reported isolating themselves from everyday life, including school, intimacy, physical activity all because of body shame.

• 60% of women report being "DISGUSTED" by their bodies.

• Approximately 10 million U.S. women are diagnosable as anorexic or bulimic.

• Another 25 million struggle with a binge eating disorder

• Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

We are a society of instant gratification and we will do whatever it takes to get it and the statistics will tell you all you need to know.

We think we are broken.

We think we are in need of repair.

We think we are not enough.

We think happiness lies in things and numbers.

We make the dieting and beauty industry millions of dollars every year and we do it in the name of happiness and so called health. We BUY into this. What we are secretly telling our friends and loved ones is they need to CHANGE and FIX themselves. We are telling them you are not enough the way you are - you need to weigh 10 less pounds; you need to fade those stretch marks; those wrinkles make you look old; those love handles are disgusting; your not sexy because your thighs touch. When we inadvertently sell these messages, we are contributing to the body shame epidemic that is running rampant in our society.

Happiness will never be defined by a number, whether that be your pant size, number on the scale or money in your bank. Health will never be found in skipping a meal, or eating 500 calories a day. Happiness will be found when you throw out all the notions that you need to be fixed, changed or improved. Health will be found when you create healthy eating habits, exercise to honor your body and not to change it, and when you quit beating yourself up mentally and emotionally for all the things you are not. Moderation in all things is something I try and live by.

I beg you to change the conversation, to change the focus on what beauty and happiness is. I ask you to consider how you feel about yourself, your body and seek the truth of why that is. Would we be OK with our daughters making the same choices we have in regards to the way we treat and view our bodies? My children were the driving force behind seeking help and treatment for anorexia and I would never wish upon my daughter or anyone for that matter the journey I have had. I look at my daughter and I look at people and the last thing they need is fixing. They need wings. They need to know they are beautiful, smart, capable, brave, courageous, kind, generous, thoughtful people.

People's hearts change the world, not the number in which they weigh or the wrinkles in which they don't have. The world wants you to be perfect, but the people who love you just need you to be present. They need you to realize you are lovable and enough just the way you are.

If you are in the dieting/beauty industry, I ask you to really think about the messages you are sharing and promoting. Are you contributing to the fix it messages that are so prominent in our society? Are you using pictures that objectify women? Are you promoting your business with only the extreme success story? If you answered yes to any of these questions I ask you to re-evaluate your why. These things affect people in negative ways, whether that is your intention or not it is something to think about. You are always free to choose but you are not free from the consequences of your choices.

If I can leave you with anything it is this - You don't need fixing. The world needs fixing.

Let's STOP promoting perfect and start promoting HEALTHY - because healthy comes at all ages, and in all shapes, weights and sizes.

Let's not be the fixer who has to fix the broken foundation, let us be the builders who make it strong from the beginning.

The post Are you a fixer or a builder? appeared first on FamilyToday.

"¯I love her just the way she is. I think she is beautiful,"¯ he said.

To which I quickly retorted "He has to say that, he is my husband."¯

He grunted in frustration and rolled his eyes. This discussion was one we have had often, but never in front of anyone else. In my head husbands are obligated to tell us we are beautiful and they love us, even in our ugly, unlovable moments. They do it out of obligation not truth. Of this I was sure. So her response caught me off guard.

"Why do you think he can't love you right now, Kallie? Why do you think he has to say those things? If he said you were ugly would you believe him then?"¯

It was food for thought. Why can't he love me in my ugly? Why can't he think I am beautiful all the time? Why can't he love me there - wherever there is? More importantly why can't I believe him?

The answer was me

There I was standing in my own way again as a road block. Awesome. (Why am I always my own roadblock? Do NOT answer that!) If he had told me I was ugly, or stupid, or unlovable, I would have believed he was being honest. Those words were words of truth. The bottom line here is that, I didn't love myself, therefore I couldn't let anyone else love me through the ugly, the real, the exposed and of course - the naked.

Sex and body image is not something people talk about, and yet, I feel like it is something that each of us struggle with at some point, in some way. Each day we go out into the world, dressed in clothes that hide, tuck, flatten, hold in, and boost, but what happens when we are stripped down, and left standing there naked? Do we keep the lights off? Do we wear a shirt or hide in the sheets to keep our less than perfect bodies from being really seen OR do we just avoid it all together and hide behind excuses? I am guilty of all of these scenarios and I feel really lame sharing something so personal, and intimate with the world.

Why do we hide?

What is it about our bodies that make us feel ashamed of it?

I think most of it stems from the ideals we see in magazines, and on commercials. Flawless is what the world tells us is beautiful, sexy, attractive, and worthy of being looked at intimately. These ideals make it nearly impossible to look in the mirror and not see flaws, the things that need fixing, before we will be comfortable sharing our most intimate self. Here is something I want you to really think about - why do we need fixing, when the things we want to fix share so much of who we are and the journey of our life. These physical imperfections tell a story.

I have come to see that my body and the way it looks tell a story - my life story and it's a story I should not be ashamed to let my husband see and read.

I should not be ashamed that as a toddler I fell down the stairs at church and knocked myĀ two front teeth out, because of this fall my permanent teeth were damaged. I will no longer pretend that I don't have scars scattered about my body as a reminder of the chickenpox I had as a child. I will share the story of the scar on my foot, that I never liked until my dad told me it was a special marking because I was part Indian - which is totally not true but my dad can make a believer out of anyone. I will not hide my scar that stretches from hip to hip, that is a result of a cyst the size of softball I had to have removed. I will no longer turn out the lights or hide strategically in the sheets to hide the physical parts that are changing with age and experiences.

I have a few more years under my belt and with that comes changes. I have laugh lines around my eyes and mouth. They serve as a reminder of all the laughter I have had in my life. I have carried and bore three beautiful children and have scars and marks to prove a life once grew inside me. Those scars and marks would tell a story of the miracle it is to create life. My body has become "soft"¯ in the last year, and if that softness could talk it would tell you a story of my journey to health, one that I should never feel ashamed to tell. These scars and battle wounds are only some of my flaws but they are reminders of my journey, my life, the life I have lived and breathed through each day and I will no longer be ashamed of them.

When I really look at my body it serves as a reminder of the life I have been blessed to live.

I am blessed to laugh at my sweet kids. I am blessed to smile at the people I love most. I am blessed to have created life inside of me. I grew a little human for cryin' out loud. Not everyone can do that and I feel in awe of that miracle. I have lived through sicknesses, hard times, and physical limitations and come out alive and strong. I am blessed to have a body that allows me to love others and serve them. I am blessed to have a body and I will no longer hold myself back because of the way it looks. My body is the vessel that makes my life happen. It is the gift I was given to experience this life and it does not need fixing - it needs celebrating.

So I will let my husband love me there

I will let him love me through the changes of pregnancy. I will let him love me overweight. I will let him love me broken. I will let him love me whole. I will let him love me old. I will let him love me stretched and wrinkly. I will let him love me strong. I will let him love me weak. I will let him love me hurting. I will let him love me happy. I will let him love me sad. I will let him love me dying. I will let him love me until my last breath, until the very last words of my story are written.

I will let my husband love me there because there, right smack in the middle of my life story is where he wants to be.

The post Body image & intimacy in marriage: My truths. My story appeared first on FamilyToday.

My experience with marriage being hard is because we were playing the "Blame Game."¯ You know the one I am talking about. The one where you point fingers and say things like "¯If you did this, I wouldn't do that."¯ Or maybe this one - "You are not giving me what I want, so I am not going to give you what you need. That's only fair."¯ From there it just escalates into harsh voices and deep cutting words that only make the gap wider and the wounds deeper.

Just as with anything in this life, when we start focusing on the negatives we forget all the awesome and in marriage that is the perfect formula for disaster. Looking back I realize I was focusing on all the things my husband was not doing, instead of all the things he was. Life gets soooooo unbelievably loud and distracting, and in that loudness the small things start going unnoticed. Then one day you wake up and realize, that by not paying attention to the small things has created a HUGE problem and you're stumped on how you got in THIS place.

I am going to share a little secret of mine that has changed my WORLD and my marriage. It's nothing HUGE and you might even laugh, but I PROMISE that it will make a difference in your marriage and how you view your spouse. We all know that I am a journal junkie "¦ I am guilty of having a few. It will come as no surprise that I also have one just about my husband.

It is called my "Why I love Brian today"¯ journal.

Each night before I go to bed I write at least one thing that I love about him that day. Sometimes it is just one thing "¦ wink. wink. And other times it is a few things. It doesn't have to be anything big like he bought me a huge bouquet of flowers. It's the simple things like I love how he looks at me from across the room or I adore his laugh. The simple things are who he is and those are the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place. Those are the things I try to focus on each day instead of the hair he just shaved off his beard, and is now scattered about my freshly cleaned sink. (Cringing over here just talking about it. haha)

When life gets loud or I am having one of those days, I pull out my journal and there in black and white is written the words of my heart and the true reasons behind the love I feel for my spouse. When I choose to focus on the things that he is, I fall in love with him more each day. It is something so simple and doesn't require a lot of time but the impact it has had on marriage and my relationship with my husbandĀ is endless.

This year for Christmas I want to print it in a book and give it to him. I want to make it a tradition each year to give him a book full of reasons why I love him today because he deserves to know exactly why he is the best part of me. I think this would be fun as a couple to have your own "Why I LOVE my Spouse"¯ Journal and exchange them at Christmas each year.

I'm going to say it again my friends - LOVE ALWAYS WINS.

The post Why I love my spouse journal appeared first on FamilyToday.

I have read a million posts about this topic. You can find me nodding my head in agreement with most of them. However, there are a few things that will get my blood boiling pretty darn fast. So, let's start there "¦

You can tell your daughter she is beautiful

- You can. It's OK. In fact I think you should. The word beautiful doesn't have to just encompass what someone looks like physically. When I think of the people in my life who I consider beautiful it has nothing to do with the way they look, but everything to do with WHO THEY ARE and how they live their life!

We can't shelter our children from the world. It is impossible. No matter how hard you try your daughter is going to hear what the world defines beauty as. Not telling her she is beautiful is not going to win the war against insecurity. It will just create it in another form. Here is an example. One of my very best friends was raised by a mom who didn't believe in complimenting her children for fear that it would make them have a big head. Growing up my friend never felt like her mom was proud of her. Instead of a big head my friend grew up with no self-confidence. Her mom solved the problem of being conceited but created an even worse problem with a daughter who struggled with her own worth and value.

You don't fight that battle by ignoring it. You fight the battle when you re-define what beautiful is in your home. You tell her she is beautiful because you might be the only one who does. You tell her she is beautiful because she IS. She is God's creation. You tell her she is beautiful and you show her what real beauty looks like.

You teach her that beautiful people are kind, caring, giving, accepting, loving, courageous, and honest. You are her first and greatest teacher. Teach her what beautiful means to you. That way, when you tell her she is beautiful she thinks of everything BUT what she looks like on the outside.

It'sĀ OK to teach her how to take care of herself

- By taking care of herself, I am not just talking about her physical appearance. Yes, take the time to teach her how to do her hair, or how to apply her make-up if she wants it, teach her about hygiene, take her shopping and help her pick clothes that will represent her and make her feel her best. Take the time to compliment her on her self-care. Say things like "¯your outfit is super cute, your hair looks darling today, I never would have thought to put that scarf with that top, but you rock it!"¯ Teach her that it is important to take care of ourselves physically but don't let that be all you teach her. Teach her how to take care of herself on the inside. Teach her about kindness to others but also kindness to herself. Encourage her to find a purpose greater than herself. Teach her the power of service and the impact it has on our happiness. Teach her that happy girls are the prettiest and that happiness comes from who you are, not what you look like.

Make peace with YOUR own body

- She will become what she is taught. She will follow your example. If you don't love your own body, she will learn to not love hers. It is so important that you make peace with your own reflection so that she can to. Teach her what body acceptance looks like. Take the time to connect to who you are outside of your body. Here is a great list of things you can do to help make peace with your own body - http://www.uhs.berkeley.edu/edaw/TenSteps.pdf

_Remember that you are not your body._

In the words of a wise friend"STOP whining about your birthday. Stop complaining about your wrinkles, boobs, thighs, whatever. Put all of that ENERGY you are wasting by wishing you LOOKED different into BECOMING different. CHOOSE to keep working on who you are "¦ what you know "¦ what you can do "¦how you take care of yourself "¦ how and who you love and serve. Choice is so powerful and truly the only thing we own. Your body is nothing but a conduit for your accomplishments and expressions of who you truly are. Keep it healthy and in a state of attractiveness so that it doesn't limit your ability to progress, but remember that progression has nothing to do with the specifics of what you look like."¯

_We exercise because we are honoring our body not because we want to change_

it

So many times we exercise because we want to change something about ourselves physically. We want a washboard stomach, and arms that don't jiggle when we wave goodbye because that is what society says is acceptable. We need to reprogram our minds about why we engage in exercise. We shouldn't exercise with the expectation of change. We should exercise with the expectation that we feel better when we do. We should exercise to thank our body, not change it. Avoid making physical activity about a size or what you ate. Be an advocate for health over looks. Teach her to honor her body for all the amazing things it does do!

"Remove your body from the sounds and sights of stress, up toward the quiet, assuring pockets of nature, and walk it along at a pace that stretches it and honors it."¯ - CJane Kendrick

Cut out the negative self-talk and ditch the diet talk

- Let's be honest ... this is where it gets hard. Changing the way we talk isn't a piece of cake. It takes effort. A lot of effort.

Start with changing the way you talk about yourself and others. Don't use the fat word. Not about yourself and not about anyone else. Just don't. When it comes to your body, don't talk about the things you don't like. Don't talk about your love handles, or your flabby arms. Don't mention that your thighs touch. Don't talk about your body in sizes or shapes. Our obsession with weight and shape and appearance is fueled among women because we encourage it in each other. The way we talk about ourselves and others' bodies has made it impossible for us to be at peace. If we want our daughters to focus on a person's real value and worth start with yourself. Stop comparing yourself to others.

No talking about dieting. Don't teach her how to calorie count or about portion control to lose weight. Instead teach her about healthy eating habits. A good place to start is by reading the book "Intuitive Eating"¯ it is all about listening to your body. This means learning how to distinguish between what your mind tells you and what your body does. It is going back to our intuition with food that we had as a child. If you want more info Google it. Buy the books. It is not an easy road but well worth the effort.

Communicate

-Don't be afraid to talk to her about her body. Talk to her about the things she likes. Talk to her about the things she doesn't. Brainstorm with her healthy ideas on how she can overcome those negative thoughts. Listen to her. Talk to her about her role models and the people in the magazines she reads about. Help her understand what is realistic and what is a photo-shopped myth. Communication on this subject is so important. If you don't talk to her about it someone else will. And it might not be what she needs to hear. Share the things you struggle with and what you did or are doing to overcome them. Take time each day to talk to her about the things that are bothering her.

At the end of the day, I think the most powerful thing you can do as a mom for your daughter is love yourself, unconditionally. If you do this she will know how to love herself also.

The post Ways to promote positive body image appeared first on FamilyToday.