A popular magazine found in many counselors' offices, recently published articles written to normalize and justify pornography. These articles suggest that pornography is harmless and can be an effective tool to help couples. Further, these articles claim pornography should be viewed not only by men but should also be enjoyed by women. These articles suggest that pornography is only harmful when it creates unnecessary guilt caused by teachings of religious zealots.

The lie

These articles lie. Pornography does pose a serious threat to our society and to the sanctity of marriage. It undermines the quality of healthy relationships. I applaud the recent movement to declare pornography a serious health hazard that should be banned. These movements include the website Fight The New Drug, which details how the poison of porn affects the brain and ruins lives. Also, premier relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman published the article "Open Letter on Porn," stating how the use of pornography poses a threat to the intimacy of couples.

We have the benefit of reliable studies and reports published by scholars, who are not religious zealots and that leave no doubt about the destructive nature of pornography. Pornography is a billion-dollar industry that cares nothing about who they harm. Who do you think is behind this movement to normalize something so despicable? Who will benefit the most from a push to justify this addiction and to have it in every home?

Porn's harmful effects in the home

Many young children already have been exposed to porn from discovering it in their homes, on their dad's computer or on the top shelves of the bookcase. Their friends have shared it with them on their cell phones or tablets. Wives have had their hearts broken by their husbands' addiction to porn. These wives feel objectified by their husbands' lust; normal sexual relationships have vanished, empathy and compassion have disappeared, and women's dreams of healthy relationships have been crushed.

Boys' exposed to porn develop distorted views of girls when they delve deeper into the darkness of their addiction for the rush of distorted sexual activity. Girls and women have been made to believe that, to be considered sexually desirable, they must dress immodestly and have their bodies sculpted so they can imitate what appears in pornographic images.

Wives feel that they cannot compete with the women portrayed in porn. In fact, pornography propaganda claims it is the wives fault when their husbands stray. Women who pose for the pornographers' cameras are seriously abused and traumatized. They too are victims of the trade. No parents would want their daughters exploited this way.

Some porn sites portray violence toward women which lead some men to think that this is what women want or deserve. This violence destroys sensitivity needed for an intimate and sensitive connection. As a result boys and men do not learn to treat girls and women with kindness, courtesy and respect.

Porn creates unrealistic expectations

Porn creates a supernormal experience that cannot be duplicated in normal couple relationships. Consequently, pornography reduces the satisfaction for both. Those addicted have the false impression that their partners should be ready on demand for intimacy. Pornography prescribes that husbands are to dominate, and wives must willingly submit. How does such thinking promote a quality relationship in which both partners feel equally valued? How many divorces can trace pornography as the root cause?

These articles tell men and women that the use of pornography is normal and natural. It claims that since it doesn't effect anybody else, no one is harmed. The reality is that it does negatively affect men and the women in many areas of their lives.

The damage of a pornography addiction

The addict does not realize the spiritual damage caused by sexual addiction until they are overwhelmed with guilt and shame. Guilt is knowing you are doing bad, and shame is feeling you are bad. This leaves the addict in isolation, cut off from God and from normal, healthy relationships. These two things: God's love and the love of others are the very things needed for successful recovery.

Just coming out of the shadows and admitting one needs help is the first step. Those addicted to drugs can eventually have the poisons eliminated from their bodies; but those addicted to porn have all the sordid images in their minds and readily available for instant recall - that makes recovery harder. However, recovery is possible. I repeat: recovery is possible. Addicts can overcome their addiction with hard work and divine assistance.

Editor's Note: This article was originally published on Dr. David Coombs' website. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

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What are the most effective coping mechanisms we can use to reduce stress and anxiety in our lives? Consider this list of what others have done that has been helpful for them. Put a check mark by those that may be particularly applicable to you and your situation. This list can become your personal guide to greater peace.

1. Ask for help by reaching out to those you trust

Talk about your anxieties. The worst thing you can do is to hold it all inside.

2. When procrastinating making difficult phone calls, writing letters, or the need to confront someone, take action and do it. And do it now.

You can do hard things. Procrastination only creates more stress.

3. Honesty is always the best policy

Secrets and lying are at the core of all wrong doing, especially addictions. Come out of the shadows. Stop making excuses. Just be honest and do the right thing. Confession is good for the soul and reduces stress.

4. Set boundaries!

We need to take care of ourselves. Say "No!" when it is in your best interest. You don't have to always explain or give reasons. You have the right to protect yourself. Those who say "Yes" to everything and everyone will suffer from severe stress and burnout.

5. It's OK to cry

You will feel better, and you won't cry forever. It is not always necessary to keep a stiff upper lip. Occasionally, we all need to vent our pent-up emotions and have a good cry.

6. When having a bad dream, wake up, close your eyes again and re-write the dream so you are the hero.

Do the same in writing your life's script so you can see yourself coming out on top. You can script your life to be what you want people to see in you and to pay tribute to you for when you die.

7. Be transparent

Allow others to see you as you are. Let people know you as flawed and imperfect but are trying and succeeding to grow and improve. People who put up barriers and pretend to be something they are not live in fear that, if everyone knew the truth about them, they would be rejected and friendless. This is a mythical fear and creates unnecessary stress. Those who are genuine, down to earth, and unpretentious have less stress in their lives and more friends.

8. Praise yourself

Talk to yourself in soothing, loving, and forgiving tones. Acknowledge your strengths and your goodness. Positive self talk is an important ingredient for growth. You may erroneously fear that you will become egotistical, and you would be if you bragged to others. Direct all of your positive self talk, privately, to yourself. Forgive yourself. You are only a mortal doing what you can. Be your own best friend and give yourself words of encouragement. You must be willing to lovingly discipline, kindly correct, constantly support, and quickly forgive yourself.

9. When you are struggling and stressing yourself with doubt, realize that developing self confidence begins by acting confidently and by doing the things that confident people do.

Take action first and the feelings will follow. When acting in confident and loving ways, you may at first feel like a phony, but as you go through the motions, confident and loving emotions will follow.

10. Success is not doing everything right

It is a progressive realization of a worthy ideal. Don't expect perfection from yourself or from others. As with all endeavors, you will have ups and downs. Just be glad you are moving the right direction. Give yourself credit for every good thing and every achievement you have done. When having a bad day, remember that tomorrow is another day and you must never, never, never give up.

11. When you are stressed from being overwhelmed, you can remind yourself that you are a good problem solver.

You can follow the three Ds: Dump it, take some things off your plate; Delegate it, assign some tasks to others or pay others to do them; and Do It, get busy and do whatever is left.

12. Avoid burn out

Take time for yourself. Reward yourself by finding healthy ways to celebrate anything you do right. Make healing a top priority. Eat nutritionally, exercise, take rests and enjoy life. Leave your office at a reasonable time; the work will still be there tomorrow but, you have a life to live, so leave work, go home and enjoy your family.

13. For those who need "alone" time, consider listening to pleasant music, enjoying a hot tub, having a massage, or taking a yoga class.

There also are great benefits from taking a 20-30 minute power nap between 1-3 pm. If not convinced, talk to anyone from a Latin culture about how much they enjoy their siestas.

14. Journalize feelings

Paper is forgiving and not judgmental. Seeing your thoughts on paper allows you to see things in a better light. It allows you to see the pros and cons of your dilemmas which aids you in making good decisions.

15. To relieve stress, do something physical

Walking, running, biking, golfing, swimming, hiking, playing tennis, etc. Work up a good sweat and expel the negative energy.

16. A certain amount of stress is beneficial. It helps us complete necessary tasks

If you didn't have some stress, you would be dead. Life is hard, and was designed that way by a loving God to teach us lessons that we would not learn any other way. The closer you are to God the greater will be your faith in Him and the greater will be your assurance that He knows what is best. Your prayers will not always be answered the way you want, but you can always be sustained by His love and enjoy His peace which greatly reduces stress. Those with faith count it a source of comfort to know they are not going through this life alone.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Strengthening Marriage and Family. It has been republished here with permission.

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The purpose of successful dating among singles is to develop one's own relationship skills and to find the right person with the qualities and interests that match their own. If they choose wisely in the courtship, they increase the probability of a satisfying and rewarding marriage.

With the current divorce rate at about 50 percent, people need to do a better job of finding the right person for them. Too many people don't know how to date successfully. They fall into the trap of being attracted to outward appearances. They begin to date, and their entire courtship consists of dinners, movies and making out.

In a few months they marry. With such shallow courtships, they did not get to know each other well and wonder why their marriages quickly become difficult and unmanageable, often to the point that they see divorce as the only option.

It takes time for couples to discover if they are a good match. Many mental health professionals suggest that couples date a variety of people over a period of several years. The key to doing this is limiting hugs and kisses and no sexual contact. Once sexual feelings are aroused, people no longer think straight. Before passions skew daters thinking patterns, they must get to know each other intellectually, politically, culturally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Successful dating requires creativity to vary the activities to allow couples to become best friends.

Here are a few ways to date successfully

Dating ideas may include working on projects together that require problem solving skills, a little give and take, maybe sweat and tears.

Do meaningful service projects. Read and discuss good books, articles, and newspapers that stimulate thinking and discussion. Serve on committees that allow you to see how well they accept responsibility for assignments and how well they follow through and show dependability. Enjoy group activities that allow you to see each others social skills.

Talk about those things that interest you as well as what is of interest to your dates.

If one is more interested in sports and the other in musicals, be willing to take turns enjoying each other's preference.

Notice how they treat clerks, waiters, janitors, drivers on the road, the elderly and small children.

Are they patient or quick to criticize, find fault, and blame others? How do they deal with frustration, irritation and disappointments? Are they moody and often depressed or are they cheerful and optimistic? Are they disagreeable or are they willing to negotiate, compromise, and work out differences? Do they act helpless and need rescuing? Are they domineering, demanding, controlling and manipulative?

What is their attitude toward education and seeking careers that are emotionally and financially rewarding?

Do they like to read and to learn new things?

Are you spiritually compatible; do you both feel the same about church and the level of church activity?

Would you be interested in reading the Bible and other inspirational books together?

Get to know the parents of your preferred dates

When people marry, they not only marry their sweethearts but their whole family. How will their cultural background effect your relationship? What you see in your date's parents, good or bad, may play a role in your potential marriage.

Dating helps you discover how honest and trustworthy they are. Do they have bad habits or addictions that need to be resolved?

Notice red flags from those with addictions, such as pornography: if they say, "Yes, I've had a problem off and on in the past, and while I know pornography is bad, it is not that bad." Realize, with that attitude, they have no motivation to change because, to them, the habit is not that bad. The same is true with any addictions. Would you prefer to marry on the promise the addictions will be resolved quickly or to wait and to see if the problems have really been put to rest?

Everyone can put their best foot forward for three months, so give the relationship plenty of time to see if those you are dating are real and genuine people. You don't want any unpleasant surprises later.

It is better and easier to succeed if you find those who have more in common with you

While it is said that opposites attract, it is also known that opposites make for more difficult marriages because there are more things to be negotiated.

Unfortunately, most people select their mates from one or two options instead of getting to know a number of potential partners. You can successfully date a lot of people providing you are not physically involved. The more people you date, the more you will know what kind of personality you most enjoy.

A common disaster happens to those good-hearted people who give and give with the hopes of having love returned in equal measure. Too often they get caught in relationships with someone who takes and takes and rarely gives back.

Doubtless, what you get in the courtship is what you get in the marriage. It is also likely that the faults seen, but overlooked in dating, will be exaggerated in the marriage and the strengths may diminish. Therefore, "keep your eyes wide open in the courtship, and once married, you keep your eyes half closed."

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Strengthening Home and Family. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

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Today's society is obsessed with beautiful bodies. Some people are out of balance as they seek to have bodies that only 5% of our population possess, and many of the other 95% are frustrated in their efforts to achieve the impossible. All of us have bodies that are shaped and sized following the genetic patterns established by our progenitors. Eating wisely and exercising properly will help people maximize their potential, but as they do so, they will be happier as they accept and are grateful for the bodies they have been given.

The media bombards us with pictures of men and women who have bodies that have been digitally enhanced. What we see most often are not real people, yet we are given messages that our bodies are unacceptable, unless of course, we buy and use wonderful, new, even magical, products. The effects of the products are at best temporary and the end result is still the same: few people like the bodies they have.

Almost all of us wish our bodies were different in one way or another. Even super models struggle with self-esteem and live in fear that they will lose their beauty if they gain weight. Some think they will only be accepted if they maintain perfect outward appearances and fear they will never be loved for what they are on the inside. Unfortunately, people continue to be taken in by the media; they continue to believe their core value is determined by the shape and size of their bodies.

Adults and youths are being seduced into thinking that their happiness lies in having a perfect shape and looking forever young. Cosmetic surgeons busily and profitably sculpt bodies into something our society deems to be more acceptable. Women in increasing numbers suffer the terrible effects of bulimia and anorexia because they are caught in their fixations for perfectly thin bodies.

Some invest fortunes, time, and energy worrying about appearances that in the long run are of little consequence. On the other hand, others wisely declare their independence from foolish pride and vanity and refuse to be controlled by the tyranny of media images.

Death ultimately comes to all, and people of faith look forward to the promise of perfectly resurrected bodies. Will our resurrected bodies be short or tall, thin or wide? Will anyone even care? Will it make a difference in how we experience life in the hereafter?

What if we spent our energy developing our inner beauty?

By obsessively focusing on our bodies, we over-emphasize the things that matter least and lose sight of the things that matter most?

Fortunately, many people of all sizes and shapes have found they can be happy, can love and be loved, can marry successfully, can have children, can progress in their careers, and can enjoy happy and fulfilling lives just as they are.

How refreshing to see husbands and wives; family and friends assure each other of their love and devotion even though their bodies may have gone through the interesting changes of aging. Three cheers for people who have learned to look beyond outward appearances to the basic goodness and rich qualities found in those who make and honor marital commitments, are positive, enjoy life, and create genuine companionships.

Beauty still is only skin deep. People must not be blinded by society's definition of beauty but look instead for well-developed minds and shapely characters. The most important attributes to develop are to love God and one another, live good lives, and enjoy the blessings of happiness.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Strengthening Marriage and Family. It has been republished here with permission.

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An old adage claims that families that pray together, stay together. It is also true that when families play together, they also stay together. Those families that frequently enjoy fun times together create a special bond that keeps them friends throughout their lives.

I interviewed many people, adults and children, and asked one question: What made or makes your family fun? Here are some of the responses.

1. We eat breakfast and dinner together and talk about our day and what is going on in our lives.

2. We sing songs together around the piano while mom plays.

3. We enjoy fun vacations that include family reunions.

4. One time my parents told us at breakfast that we were not going to school that day because we were going to go to Disneyland just as soon as the house was clean. What a surprise! We all whooped and hollered as we scattered like crazy to see how fast we could get our chores done.

5. We had spur of the moment activities when mom would say, "Let's go for a walk on the beach," but added, "No need to bring your suits because you're not getting wet, it's too cold today." Well, we always got wet as we raced the waves up the shore and lost. We loved it. Mom only laughed. But if we complained about being cold, we got no sympathy.

6. We have fun playing basketball on the driveway with the whole family, including mom and dad.

7. Our whole family, not just mom or dad, support each other when someone is in a play, athletic event, concert, award ceremony, etc. My brothers and sisters are my best friends.

8. Mom sometimes shouts spontaneous announcements on Saturday morning such as when we get our chores done, we will go to the park and afterwards get ice cream cones.

9. Camping in the mountains or at the beach were highlights in our family.

10. Our dad makes cookies on Sunday afternoons or brings out a hidden box of See's chocolates. While we eat, we plan our week.

11. We often played silly games around the table like Spoons. Sometimes we turned all the lights off and pulled the drapes and played dark hide-and-seek with flashlights.

12. I'll never forget our weeks at Aspen Grove and our hikes to the top of Mount Timpanogos in Utah.

13. I have fond memories of those weeks we spent in Park City, Utah.

14. I remember family trips to the movies.

15. My life was changed when my parents took us on a Super vacation that included a trip to Washington D.C., an American history tour through Boston, and a tour from Vermont to Illinois that included New York.

1. Not all of our family scriptures study activities were great, but we had a message, a game, family prayer and a treat. I don't remember the lessons, but I do remember the warm feeling of being with family.

2. I loved our camping trip to Yosemite and to the giant Redwoods.

3. On long car rides, we play the Alphabet game, the beaver game, and sing songs. Dad likes to point out the "hysterical" markers (Historical) and tell us silly stories of when he was the captain of a submarine, and we were the crew with other little children.

4. I like it when Dad reads stories to us as we cuddle together on the couch.

5. When Dad was busy, Mom would courageously take us girls for a campout on the beach.

6. I liked the times our family would get ice cream cones and window shop the stores in the mall. One time we ended up at a See's Candy store.

7. Dad and Mom have monthly private interviews with us to discuss any of our personal concerns. One time I was brave enough to ask Dad for a raise in my allowance. I knew I was his favorite, so I knew he probably would say yes. Strangely, I found out later that my siblings felt the same way and we all got raises.

8. My parents say "yes" to most of my requests, so when they say "no," I know they really mean it. I like that my parents don't believe in grounding. My friends think my parents are the best.

9. I like it when my dad and I play ball or toss a frisbee and talk.

10. Our family is into running and biking and we have fun together.

To have a fun family doesn't require expensive trips or outings, as exciting as they may be. The key is to frequently take time to do something fun.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Strengthening Marriage and Family. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

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Not many life experiences challenge couples more than trying to blend families together with children still in the home. Stepparents have a tough job, and stepmothers have even the hardest time because they spend more time with the kids. They are often given the most responsibility but have less power and appreciation, and they are often unfairly resented. While we have all heard of wicked stepmothers, most stepmothers work hard at a very difficult task.

Many things can sink a second marriage; the financial, emotional, psychological, and spiritual components of parenting children who can seem to have come from another world is daunting. All family members feel as if they're walking through an emotional mine-field blindfolded. No wonder the divorce rate is 20 percent higher in second marriages with children in the home than in first marriages with no kids.

Understandably, life is easier if just husbands and wives are negotiating a new marriage. When couples add children, ex-spouses, and extended families they require several years to blend together. It takes time to successfully navigate the differing traditions of christmas, thanksgiving, summer vacation, weddings, birthdays, etc.

Here are a few tips to make the blending process easier.

Don't rush into it

Couples contemplating marrying and bringing together children from two or more families may want to date for an extended time. Some professionals suggest they not commit to marry until they have dated three years. Most couples should date at least a year before marriage, but when blending families, and building new relationships, it may take longer. Many of the dating activities should be with the children. Disaster can follow when couples rush into marriage involving more than just the two of them. It is quite a challenge to meet the needs of spouse and children who all compete for attention.

Put the marriage first

In blending families, the marriage is first priority. Spouses need to carve out time from every day to talk, to share feelings, to plan, and to organize their lives both with and without their children. Couples need weekly dates alone and mini-moons away (short honeymoons of at least one overnight every six months). Let the children feel the power of the love and devotion couples have for each other for it is the glue that bonds the entire family.

Be patient

Because it takes years for families to blend, patience is the big watchword. One father expressed his frustration at trying to relate to his new stepdaughter in a meaningful way. He was ready to give up when he was asked how long he had been working his plan to get close to her. He answered, "Three months." Remember, it takes longer than that to get used to a new baby, so couples should expect to spend more time and patience than three months to develop relationships, especially with older children. Some families seem to do well in three years; others take longer.

Think about the past

Consider the problems that come from the emotional pain family members carry from divorces, from betrayal, and from broken promises in old relationships that can be inflicted on new relationships. Think what difficult paths the children have traveled through such as broken trust, feelings of abandonment and more. Children come to the new family with different expectations, traditions, and schedules including bed times, chore expectations, eating habits, and so forth. The two families of origin are often poles apart. However, there is hope and help; stepparents don't have to go down this path alone.

Read a book

Unfortunately, many couples who are struggling with the overwhelming task of blending families have never read a book on stepparenting nor attended a support group for stepparents nor talked to a professional therapist. Couples will learn that the most important aspect of step-parenting is the quality of the marriage. Building a strong and lasting marriage requires significant effort and gives couples the necessary power to be successful in their parenting.

Be faithful

The strength of the marriage is only as strong as the depth of the covenant that both partners make to each others' happiness. There must be absolute fidelity; they will not allow feelings for anyone else to interfere or be a threat to the loyalty they have to each other. This also means that they will not give any preference to past partners or spouses or give allegiance to other family members or to anyone else. Assurances must be given to the new spouse of being first priority.

Remember the little things

Respect and listening are essential as well as letting go of minor annoyances, having a ton of patience, love, and a ready sense of humor. Laughing at trying to do what seems to be impossible feels better than crying or exploding into tantrums to get others to listen and obey.

Be united

Not enough can be said about mom and dad being united and working together as a team. It doesn't work for parents to have different rules or play different roles in which one is the heavy and the other is the nice guy. Couples must talk and agree on a policy and back each other up. They must not let kids divide and pit one parent against the other. There may be times when a response to a child's request will have to be postponed till there is time for mom and dad to confer with each other.

Be wary of punishments

When disciplining the kids, avoid a heavy hand, sarcasm, name calling. In particular, avoid grounding which, in the end, also punishes the parents and creates serious tension in the home. Not every infraction requires punishment when a simple apology will do. This works both ways.

Be fun

Do something fun with your children on a regular basis. It doesn't have to be a huge affair or cost a lot of money. It could be as simple as going to the park and getting ice cream cones after. Play board games, play basketball in the driveway, or go for hikes. It is not so important what you do, but it is important you do something fun. Families bond when they are laughing and having fun together.

Watch your words

Criticism and coarse language is poison. Consider that every unkind statement requires five positive exchanges to erase the pain. When couples experience differences, talking while being physically close enough to touch helps them avoid yelling. Listen to each other with empathy. Be aware of opportunities for ways to give each other compliments, praise, and expressions of appreciation. Frequently acknowledge the kind and thoughtful acts done for each other. Delight in your privilege of touching each other tenderly, giving bear hugs, sweet kisses, and ample sexual activity. Put a lock on your bedroom door. Rarely say no to each other when invited to enjoy intimacy. Those who say, "I'm too tired tonight," cheat themselves as well as their partners when, in fact, by responding readily, both will actually sleep better. This one bit of counsel alone will result in huge benefits for marriages.

Seek spiritual guidance

In addition to talking with friends who seem to be doing well at blending their families, reading books and enlisting professional help, they would do well to seek divine assistance. A solid spiritual base gives couples strength on which to build a happy family. One of the best things for blending families is to affiliate with a church that has a successful youth program and that offers classes in strengthening marriage and family. Attending church as a family may be the very key to enjoying success. Parents need all the help and support they can get.

Remember, we can do hard things, and the many couples who have successfully blended their families together will testify, "It's worth it."

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Strengthening Marriage and Family. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

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What if marriages were compared to employment?

Those wanting job security do everything morally possible to win the confidence of their employers and work hard to be indispensable to the success of their businesses. Shouldn't the same principle apply to our marriages? If so, we would do everything we could to please our spouses, so they would see us as indispensable to the success of our marriages and their happiness.

If workers are habitually late to work, take more time for lunch than allotted, and leave work early, they will most likely lose their jobs. And how would husbands and wives feel if their spouses were thoughtlessly and habitually late and did not honor their appointments with each other.

How long would workers keep their jobs if they had to be told again and again how to do their work?

Bosses and spouses appreciate workers and companions who diligently and creatively do their part without being told or reminded.

Company loyalty is appreciated and so is loyalty in marriage. Wise employees want to make their employers look good to others. The same is true in marriage. Successful partners do not complain, criticize, or embarrass their companions; they do all they can to protect their sweethearts' feelings and to build their esteem.

Workers who respect the company's assets and work to maximize profits are rewarded. Couples are rewarded when family resources are used wisely and money is spent following mutually agreed upon budgets. Serious strains are put upon marriages when one partner spends money independently without the approval of the other. Would workers last long if they spent their employers' money without prior approval?

Employers appreciate workers who work well with others and build an atmosphere of cooperation, courtesy, and good will. Employees would not keep their jobs if they got angry at their employers, argued with them, called them names, were rude, insensitive, and contentious. These same considerations apply to couples. Anger is destructive and corrosive at work and at home.

Marriages work best when partners are committed to the success of their relationships and do as much for each other as they would for their employers. Spouses who are honest and open with each other create an atmosphere of trust and confidence. While the "I Love Lucy" TV series of the 1950s was comical, it was also troublesome because nearly every episode featured Lucy or Ricky being deceitful and dishonest. Dishonesty doesn't win friends at work or at home.

What if husbands hid golf clubs in the trunks of their cars and used them to play golf on company time? What if they lied about these extended breaks not only to their bosses but also to their wives? What if stay-at-home wives frivolously spent hours reading novels, watching TV or playing games on the internet when they should be maintaining their homes? Bosses, husbands and wives are disappointed and disgusted by deception.

What if washing machines need repairs but husbands refuse to either repair them or to call repairmen? What if wives are slow to respond to husbands' requests for mending? If these lapses in consideration were common in the workplace, how long would they keep their jobs?

How do wives feel when they find pornography hidden in the home or see pornographic sites in their computers' history? Unemployment usually follows if this happens at work. Wives may also consider ending their marriages if the practice does not stop.

Employees who work hard for the success of their companies secure their jobs. Husbands and wives who work hard to please one another secure their marriages. And both husbands and wives are happy and proud of their good relationships.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Strengthening Marriage and Family. It has been republished here with permission.

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Obviously, those considering divorce are hurting. No shield protects them from the pain of being rejected by someone whom they trusted would love them forever. In their hurt, they strike out and say and do things they may later regret. In their pain, they think they would be happier if they were single again. However, research shows that most people who divorce will remain unhappy, depressed and lonely long after the divorce. Wars with ex-spouses continue, financial problems increase and conflicts intensify.

A number of years ago, we talked with folks who were dear to us. They had both divorced their first companions and had been married to one another about six years. They had a good marriage, but both expressed their regrets for the costs of their divorces, particularly the emotional cost to their children. Both also said they had divorced too fast with little thought of the consequences. Then they said, "We needn't have divorced."

Many people have mixed feelings about their divorces and express regrets. They wish they had been more patient, more forgiving and more willing to work things out. Three out of four divorced couples eventually remarry. However, second marriages have even higher divorce rates than first ones.

It's hard to work through difficult marriages, but it is also hard to work through divorces. Many couples that seriously considered divorce are now happy after taking classes on strengthening marriage to learn what it takes to have successful marriages.

Research has shown that those couples in unhappy marriages who recommitted to their partners reported they were happy within five years. Some - often those with the worst problems - reported being very happy. They were glad they didn't divorce. They had conquered even serious problems such as infidelity, addictions, and emotional neglect.

One myth about divorce is that children will be better off without having parents in constant conflict. Research does not bear this out. Most of the time, children are shocked and devastated when parents announce their desire to divorce. These children would be better off if their parents sought counseling, resolved their differences and stayed married. Of course, in a few situations including sustained physical and emotional abuse, divorces may be necessary.

Unfortunately, few married couples take classes to improve their marriages. Few read books to enhance their relationships. Few seek the help of trained marriage counselors even when they are available at little or no expense. Even if couples spent several hundred dollars on counseling, it is still very cost effective compared to the expense of divorce.

Also, many churches offer free classes on Strengthening Marriage and Family. These classes are not just for those having problems, but also for those who simply want to have the best marriages possible.

Those who are considering divorce should stop, wait and reconsider before they proceed into what may be a very big mistake that will have serious emotional, spiritual and financial consequences for themselves and for their children. The fact is that most divorces are not necessary.

Editor's note: This article as originally published on Strengthening Marriage and Family. It has been modified and republished here with permission.

The post Considering a divorce? Stop! Wait! appeared first on FamilyToday.

After going through contentious periods, some married couples wonder if they can ever get the love back. Unfortunately, when couples hit these love-dry spells, some see divorce as the inevitable, only choice. Some choose a brief period of separation for a few days or weeks, and that may be helpful; however, separation can be damaging if it lasts too long.

During difficult times, some spouses may find other people more desirable than their mates, and their marital covenants may seem unimportant. Having an emotional or even a sexual affair may look appealing. In the heat of passion, persons justify infidelity and blame their immoral behavior on circumstances or on their spouses who they claim are not meeting their needs. Those who go down the road of infidelity will inevitably regret it and will experience negative consequences which will painfully effect the lives of many other people.

Unfaithfulness could lead to expensive, painful, messy divorces which will have destructive ripple effects for not only their partners but also for their children and for their grandchildren. Society as a whole suffers from broken homes. Most divorces are the result of people's selfishness, of their seeking immediate solutions, or their wanting a quick fix without regard to how their behavior impacts many other people.

But once the love is gone, is there any hope of saving the marriage?

The answer is a resounding yes! Even if there has been betrayal and infidelity? Yes! For those who are in marriages involving physical violence or serious emotional abuse, divorce may be necessary. But even with serious problems, some couples can work things out without divorce. Most, if not all, marriages have serious bumps in their matrimonial roads that require companions to forgive, reassess, and recommit. To be forgiven of our own marital sins, we must also forgive our partners. When we give forgiveness, we give a gift to ourselves. Holding onto anger is like taking poison in hopes it will harm someone else. Forgiveness is both an event and, in most cases, a lengthy process, but the healing it brings is especially sweet and well worth the effort.

Research conducted with couples who were seriously considering divorce but who decided to recommit to their relationships is revealing. Five years later, the vast majority of these couples stated they were very glad they did not divorce and claimed their marriages were better than they had ever been before. Even in those marriages in which one partner was more committed to the marriage than the other, many said their persistence made a big difference. They eventually were able to convince their reluctant partners to recommit to making their marriages work.

How did those in troubled marriages turn things around?

They began by calling the war off. They realized that to get the love back they had to stop quarreling and call a truce. They had to choose to do loving behaviors even though at first they felt they were just going through the motions. But that is the very key. They chose to go through the motions of courting each other with the promise that in time they would again love one another. Love was and is a daily decision.

However, sometimes love is like the ocean when the tide is out; the strong romantic feelings are not there. But when the tide comes back in, couples recapture the love. The fact that couples made serious covenants to "have and to hold" during times of "sickness and health" plays a major role in their decisions to forgive, stay together, and work things out. Their motivation increases when they realize they owe it to their children to stay in the marriage. While love is important, couples' marital commitments give them power to re-kindle their love.

Some may need the assistance of licensed marriage counselors. Some say they can't afford the cost of therapy; however, therapy is better and cheaper than going through the pain of a nasty and expensive divorce. As stated above, divorce is even worse when children are involved. Couples often get into contentious debates regarding custody and visitation rights that can go on for years after divorces are final.

Furthermore, studies have shown that divorce doesn't eliminate negative characteristics that are most often carried into the next marriage and then the next. Divorce rates are higher for subsequent marriages because people fail to eliminate the damaging traits that existed in the first. While couples must work hard to solve conflicts, correct bad habits, and be dedicated to each other, getting the love back may be easier than divorce and best for all concerned.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Dr. David Coombs' blog. It has been republished here with permission.

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