We evolve as a person during a divorce, so rushing into decisions without the benefit of that full evolutionary process may create obligations or realities that result in a lot of unhappiness in our future.

Think about it: if you're alone for the first time in a while, you will likely experience many things: fear, sexuality, depression, anger, paralysis, confusion, sadness, excitement, frustration, insecurity and inadequacy - and not necessarily in that order. Would you want someone to make a significant life changing decision for you if they were in a state like that?

Give yourself plenty of time

If you're caught up in the throes of the process or just emerging from the process, the first rule of thumb is: don't make any significant life changing decisions for at least six months or more after divorce.

If you have to make a decision, consider the options carefully and consult professionals for advice. Do not consult angry, bitter or cynical friends who have made their own mistakes and now want you to join their pity party. Do not consult your new romantic interest who may pressure you to fill that void for them - with little regard to what's best for you or your children.

If someone is pressuring you, it's probably because they know what they want isn't necessarily in your best interest.

Don't read too much into a new romance

Further, a new romantic interest probably looks better simply because you likely had no physicality in your relationship for a long time. Practically speaking, most anyone can look exciting after you've been with one person for so many years. Don't let that high convert into a series of poor decisions because the first person who crosses your path smiles at you.

Don't read too much into a lack of new romance

Conversely, if no one is smiling at you, don't take it personally. It's temporary. They are just feeling what you're subconsciously projecting: the anxiety, panic, confusion and all the other emotions that signal them to stay away. From my observations over the years, I find that it takes about two years from the finalization of the divorce for one to become whole again. When I say whole, I mean making good judgments, asking for what you deserve, regaining your self-confidence and focusing on the things that are important.

Keep a healthy perspective

Mojo is an overused term, but it really does reflect a situation many divorcing people go through when they feel defeated by the divorce process and are feeling the repercussions and perception of a failed marriage. Marriages don't fail - they just don't always continue. You were married. It was a success. But at some point it changed and when it was no longer a successful marriage (based on each individual's definition of successful, which is largely one's expectations), one party or both ended it.

Some people run a business which is very successful for years. Then, at a certain point, the business model changes or consumer behavior changes and their business is no longer bringing the revenue that it once brought. Closing the business and starting something new or retiring at that point does not make the entire 30 years of business a failure. It's a change. And once you stop thinking of a divorce in terms of winning or losing and start thinking of it as changing and growing, you will be able to start the important process of rebuilding your life.

Reconnect with your past self

One strategy to rebuild and regain your Mojo is to reconnect with the person you were before the marriage. Did you have friends who thought you were great? Did you have a teacher who viewed your future as the brightest in the class? Do you have a special talent or hobby with great promise that you gave up for the marriage?

I remember a turning point for regaining my self-confidence. An investor conducted interviews on my background. He spoke with people who worked for me, to those I worked for and those I worked with - some I hadn't seen or talked to in over 25 years. When he sat me down to give me the overwhelmingly positive feedback it brought tears to my eyes. They reminded me of who I was. I also realized just how far I was negatively influenced by one person's opinion, an opinion that was clearly not shared by others.

Turning points are critical building blocks to regain self-confidence, individual identity and purpose which was there but forgotten over time. So find your turning point, allow the information to sink in, resurrect your Mojo and THEN make decisions. You'll be making them from a place of conviction and strength and they will be life decisions that truly reflect who you are.

The post How to get your mojo back appeared first on FamilyToday.

The combative part of a divorce generally deals with the least important items. And focusing on those items keeps us focused on our past and costs us far more than if we were living in our future. So why do couples make that same mistake over and over again?

The answer is quite simply put, fear. There are all sorts of fears that plague our lives when we go through a divorce.

• Fear you might miss something important because you don't understand the legal process.

• Fear that the other person is trying to cheat you out of time with your children.

• Fear that you won't have enough money for the future.

• Fear that your spouse is hiding assets.

• Fear that you might get sick.

• Fear that you will never meet anyone again.

• Fear that your spouse will turn your friends against you.

• Fear that you're not as attractive, physically or financially as you were before.

Fear is paralyzing, divisive and emotional. Fear also makes you very unattractive and drives away potential new job opportunities, suitors, friends and family. If that fear is allowed to fester, the acrimony it subsequently causes is the stuff that makes men cynical, women bitter and children an emotional mess.

So how do you stop fear from taking over your life, consuming your assets and destroying your children? It's very difficult to see your own situation objectively when you are in the midst of an emotionally charged legal battle. So perhaps this exercise might help you to gain a little perspective and enable you to move one step closer to avoiding it.

Identify the fear

Which of the above fears are you confronting? It may not be listed, so think hard about what fear underlies whatever current drama you are facing. Then write it down.

Chart the fear

Write it down on a piece of paper and map it's logical progression to the ultimate feared conclusion. Identify each logical step that would take place if that fear were realized.

Draw a reasonable conclusion

Ask yourself - So what?

Example

Your ex-spouse is not paying for half your child's braces.

The fear

Your spouse doesn't care about your child, is spending the money on someone else, or you will run out of money if you have to shoulder all the financial burden.

The chart

In order to force the issue, you will have to take him to court. So chart that process out, along with actions and subsequent costs to reach the conclusion you desire - he should pay for half.

Braces cost $10,000. He should pay $5,000. Here's the calculation: number of hours your lawyer will spend on the case, 23 hours. Multiplied by your lawyer's hourly fee, $300. You will pay $4,600 to take it to court.

Now consider the number of hours it would take out of your own life to prepare the necessary information and give the factual guidance? How much of your days, weeks, months will be consumed by preparing the information and thinking about your anger towards him? How much stress will it cause you? How emotionally charged would it be for your child?

Most important, would pursuing this allay your fears? Would it prove your spouse does love your child? Would it convince you that you won't run out of money one day? Will it convince you that your ex-spouse is no longer spending money on someone else? Probably not.

The reasonable conclusion

Should the other parent pay half of the cost? Of course. But how much will it cost you to get that $5,000 co-pay? Likely as much as the co-pay itself. I'm not saying that you shouldn't pursue the payment. It may be the right thing to do. But is it the best thing to do? My guess is, in this instance, the financial cost - added to the subjective emotional and family costs it would produce - would far outweigh the benefit. So, as they say, you may win the battle but you could lose the war.

Clearly there are some things that require your vigilance and attention because precedent is a pretty powerful thing. If things are not handled correctly in the beginning, you could be forever playing catch up or sacrifice the opportunity to put forth other issues in the future by not acting. In general though, most of the actions people take in a divorce are motivated more out of fear than importance. Unfortunately, most lawyers are focused on their own finances and won't be the fountain of reason.

As long as you have money to spend, you can find an advocate to fight. But, in the end, you must ask yourself three questions: First, whose advice am I listening to and what do they want out of giving me the advice? Second, will pursuing this point really solve anything of importance or am I really pursuing it out of fear? Finally, what financial, emotional and physical costs will I pay to be right?

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