Virtually everyone has a Facebook presence now. It's becoming one of the primary ways that people communicate. However as with almost everything, there are downsides. For those who are married, these need to be taken seriously.

Consider these four ways that Facebook could damage your relationship.

1. It can take up a lot of your partner's free time

Does your spouse spend hours online checking Facebook and exchanging comments, anecdotes, and personal updates? If so, you are not alone. People everywhere are sitting in restaurants, on planes and trains, at parties and other social events, and yes, even when spending quiet time with partners-going online and spending time with virtual friends.

Free time is a commodity that most of us do not have enough of. Therefore if your partner is spending that time online rather than sharing it with you, your relationship will lose out. This can become a habit that grows over time and eventually you might have little to say to one another or little interest in what the other has to share. Over time this distance could grow and lead to a loss of communication and intimacy in your marriage.

2. Your partner can easily reconnect with an old love

Virtually everyone has tried Googling an old friend in order to get information on how they are and where their life has taken them. This often happens when someone is recovering from a failed relationship and thinking about past loves and what might have been. They decide to look up their first or most significant (ex) love, and it just happens to be your spouse. Out of the blue they send a message that they would like to friend them in order to catch up and hear all their news. Sounds pretty innocent, right?

Their intentions might be just that, but we know what can happen with good intentions. Your spouse is happy, maybe even flattered, to hear from him or her. They fill each other in on what is happening in their lives, dish about mutual friends, and agree to keep in touch. If an old flame reignites for either of them, this connection can be fueled by nostalgia for a simpler time, and the selective memories of how great it was between them can grow into something more. After all, a connection like this can provide a fun and romantic escape from the challenges of their present life, which includes you. As their interactions increase and their bond grows, you can find yourself on the outside questioning the relationship and what you can or should do about it.

3. Online 'friendships' can turn into something more

People are often approached with a friend request by the friend of a friend who has seen their page. Perhaps they share a common passion or interest, this other person might work in the same industry, or they might have many mutual friends. Maybe there is no special reason, just a desire on the part of the one seeking the connection to build their network.

Once they are friends, all their posted personal information, likes, interests, and work and personal news are available to one another. There can be a growing feeling of intimacy even if they have never met in person. Over time, this could lead to more online and potentially offline.

These relationships don't usually start with the intent of crossing marital boundaries. It's more of a slow creep where one day they wake up to find they have become emotionally involved with someone. Perhaps they are thinking more and more about this person each day and increasingly initiating contact with them. This is an emotional affair-and only a step away from physical infidelity.

4. It's hard to establish appropriate boundaries when it's an online friend

There are many couples who are comfortable with their partner having friends, offline and on. A number of these folks are also open to the idea that exes can be just friends. They often have transparent relationships with their spouses and know each other's online passwords and share many mutual friends. They hear the stories about Facebook friendships creating problems for others, including close friends and family members, but have never really worried about this happening to them.

Consider this example: An old flame contacts the spouse of one of these happily-married women. She knows the history and that it was her spouse who broke off the relationship before they met. She also knows this ex had a hard time moving on.

Instead of waiting for the interaction to progress, it's important you voice your concerns to your spouse. He or she may brush it off as nothing. Nevertheless, an understanding of clear boundaries must be established early on.

A healthy relationship doesn't require a username, but it does require frequent updates to be sure open and honest communication is always in place. Keep the lines of communication open, truly listen to what each has to say and continue to give trust and show respect while also addressing any red flags as soon as they appear.

Written by Toni Coleman, LCSW, CMC for Divorce Support Center

The post 4 ways Facebook is ruining your marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

What I do know is that I don't want to go out to places where families will be celebrating as this would only intensify our sense of loss and the feeling that we are now different and somehow incomplete. Staying home doesn't feel quite right either as it would just feel like another Sunday - only one without the Dad who was central to our lives. The idea of doing something silly and fun seems almost disloyal, as though feeling happy means that we didn't love him enough if we can move on so quickly without him.

Do you have any thoughts or suggestions as to how we can observe this day in a way that focuses on happy memories, celebrates who he was and will continue to be in our hearts and allows us to be together as the new family we are now?

-Grieving Widow and Mom

Dear Grieving Widow and Mom,

Let me begin by saying how very sorry I am for your loss. Losing a spouse suddenly is a devastating blow. Add to this the additional challenge of suddenly being a single Mom to two sons and it's hard to even imagine - let alone cope with. But cope with it you must, so here are some things to think about as you plan this first Father's Day without him.

Ask for input

It can be very difficult for young males to articulate feelings, especially vulnerable ones like grief and loss. Rather than trying to elicit these directly, ask them what they want to do for this first Father's Day. Keep your request open-ended, letting them know you really want their thoughts and input. Reassure them that you are open to all possibilities, and be sure to throw your own ideas into the mix. Then decide on a plan as a family unit if possible. This is one step toward functioning as the changed family that fate has created.

Make a plan

You don't have to do this all alone. You have your sons, extended family and friends to help you. Ask the people you are closest to for ideas and suggestions, and consider marking the day by celebrating your father, father-in-law and other special dads along with your late husband. If your dad or your father-in-lawΒ is deceased, you could start a new tradition like a memory day of the dads you have lost but who live on through all they have left behind. You could do this by planning an activity your husband or one of these other dads loved to do or something you shared as a family like biking, fishing, a favorite spectator sport, a picnic or a day trip. Anything meaningful that you all would enjoy is a great start.

Include time to grieve

Consider incorporating a ritual like visiting the cemetery where your late spouse is buried or the place where his ashes were spread. You could write a letter to read quietly to him together or with each of you writing and sharing your own. Releasing a bunch of balloons with a note attached is also a way of "speaking" to Dad.

You will work through your grief together and separately by meeting one challenge at a time. And yes, you will laugh again and feel joy and find a new life without your husband and the father of your children. Your sadness will subside along with the guilt and what-ifs. Just remember to reach out to those around you who love you and knew and loved him. They need to grieve as well and what better way than to be there for the family your husband left behind.

The post Ask at therapist: How to celebrate Dad after he’s gone appeared first on FamilyToday.

I am a 30-year-old woman who has been married for nine months. My husband and I knew each other for two years before we got engaged and then were married a year later. Our relationship was good right from the start. Even though we had issues, it seemed that we were usually able to resolve them satisfactorily. I was a very excited bride-to-be. Our wedding was carefully and lovingly planned and we didn't skimp on the energy or money needed to make it our perfect day.

However, it seemed that once the honeymoon was over and real life settled in, I entered a new phase that brought feelings of sadness, boredom and irritation. The overwhelming feeling has been, "Is this all there is?" These feelings have led me to be more negative - especially toward my spouse. There were always things about him that I found annoying, but somehow I was able to overlook them or even laugh them off, which I can't seem to do now. It seems that most of the time he just can't do anything right.

Is this situation something you have seen or dealt with before? Is it ever normal to go through a difficult period like this and then work through it and get a new marriage back on a positive course? I'm really frightened but don't know what steps to take to address it or how to discuss it with my spouse.

• Wifezilla

Dear Wifezilla,

I have seen this kind of situation before and have helped newlyweds to identify and address the issues contributing to it. Your moniker clearly states that you see yourself as the problem here. As you describe the situation, you only reference your new husband's annoying traits while you put the focus on your poor attitude and behavior. It does seem like you are the spouse who is struggling the most, but it's hard to know as you have not opened up to your husband about what you are going through which would give you more information about what he is feeling.

Examine your relationship dynamics

The fact you haven't discussed the issues is very telling, in and of itself. It's hard to believe that he is content when you are so unhappy or that he is completely unaware of the problem. Therefore, the first step would be to talk about your feelings with your husband and to examine your relationship and its dynamics in this post honeymoon phase. This would help to expose any underlying issues and give you the chance to address them together as a team, before they increase the distance between you. I recommend you seek the help of a professional who is trained to help couples communicate effectively and work productively toward solutions, because as you have said, you are at a loss as to how to even begin.

Address unresolved issues

As I read your letter, several things jumped out at me. You mention issues or annoying things about your spouse that were always there but that you were either able to resolve together or just laugh off. The ones you didn't resolve may have been brushed under the rug because you were afraid to confront them, but they are now coming to the surface and can no longer be ignored.

Post-wedding let-down

You also talk about what an excited bride-to-be you were and all the care and planning that went into your special day. In my experience, many couples focus on the wedding itself as the end point, instead of the beginning of a long and at times challenging life together.

When a perfect wedding is the goal, folks can ignore warning signs and red flags until after saying, "I do," and then experience a very difficult let-down period once life settles down and they are confronted with the realities of their new marriage. This sounds like a possibility here that you should explore with your spouse and a competent therapist.

You could be struggling with depression, which can be either situational or clinical in nature. Depending upon which it is, you may need to address this separately with a competent therapist, lifestyle changes and additional supports.

It's important to say that even though there may have been issues you did not address before you took this step to commitment, your relationship is not necessarily doomed. You can now work on these together, applying newly acquired tools for more effective communication and problem solving that will help you to create the win-win solutions that help build long-term, mutually satisfying relationships.

The post Ask a therapist: The struggling newlywed appeared first on FamilyToday.

For over a year now, I have heard many stories about how well his colleague handles the job, the most difficult clients and that she has been a great support and confidant. According to my husband, she manages to be efficient and tough when necessary, but is a warm and caring friend to everyone, especially him. They go out for lunch frequently, text each other a lot outside of work (business issues he says) and now have discussed running together every morning because she worries about safety and he also runs every day.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but my gut tells me this has grown into something more than what he is telling me. He is sharing personal issues with her, seeking out her guidance and spending more and more time with her during and after work. I feel a closeness between them that is replacing the "us" in our marriage.

I'd love to hear your thoughts and, if you agree, any suggestions you may have for how I can address my concerns with him. - Not the Last to Know

Dear Not the Last to Know,

It's clear from your letter that your spouse and his co-worker have more than just an office relationship. Along with relying on her counsel and support for work related matters, he is confiding in her and seeking her advice in very personal issues as well. This is one marker of a boundary being crossed. In addition, there is a lot of texting and emailing outside of work, frequent lunches and now a plan to combine their daily exercise routines. You are certainly not imagining that the relationship has grown closer.

It's important to note that it's not completely uncommon for office mates to share personal information and become friends outside of work. This happens quite a lot. The danger is that your spouse and this woman are both heterosexual and have made themselves increasingly available to one another both at work and outside of it. This is how relationships progress into something more, even though what that more is has not yet been determined.

Keep boundaries in check

There are people who can be very close friends with attractive members of the opposite sex and not have it develop into something more intimate. If this were the situation here, it's unlikely you would feel this concerned or tentative about exploring this upfront with him unless you have a history of jealousy or insecurity in your relationship. If a relationship is crossing an important boundary, it's not always just about sex. There are really two kinds of affairs that people can have - emotional and sexual. Both pose a danger to your marriage, if your husband is connecting to her on either of these levels you have reason to worry.

Inventory your relationship

Begin assessing what is going on here by taking an honest inventory of your marital connection. Do you relate strongly as friends and lovers and both support and challenge each other to be the best you can be? If there is something missing in one of these connections, it can leave a space that another woman could move in to fill. Affairs are never really about the other man or woman. They are about what is missing in the couple's relationship.

If you have a good marital connection, you are coming from a position of strength. It will be easier to sit down and have a very candid discussion with your spouse about your feelings and your desire to see him set some boundaries with his co-worker.

Pinpoint problem areas

If the answer is no, it is a good time to talk to him about your relationship and to begin paying close attention to how you two relate and connect with each other on a daily basis. Once you can pinpoint any problem areas around communication, friendship or intimacy, tell him you want to work on these with him and suggest marital counseling. If he is resistant, make an appointment to go yourself.

You will need help with how to work on this together or support to begin working on it alone. Either way, don't ignore your instincts and hope it will all just resolve itself. Take action now before his bond with this other woman grows stronger.

The post Ask a therapist: Is my husband having an affair? appeared first on FamilyToday.

My spouse was the one who planned Mother's Day by getting cards and gifts with the kids, making reservations and handling things at home so I could have the day "off." This has always been a day that we celebrated as a nuclear family, without the extended family and friends who often share in other holidays and celebrations. In other words, his absence will change everything for the children and me. I feel completely at a loss as to how to mark this day in a way that won't feel hollow and empty and serve as a reminder of all our family has lost.

I know I can step up and do the planning and try to find something the kids enjoy we could all do together. The problem is, I want to turn off the TV, not answer the phone and hide from the world so that I don't have to see all the happy families out sharing this day together.

Can you offer me any advice on how I can approach this day in a way that is more positive and allows me to be truly present for my kids? Any tips or suggestions would be greatly welcomed.

- Newly Solo Mom

Dear Newly Solo Mom,

The first anniversary of any loss is very hard - and the end of a marriage is a major loss indeed. This day is especially challenging for all the reasons you have stated and because of what it represents to you - one large piece of how you define yourself and how you believe others both view and identify with you. When you went from being a spouse and co-parent to single mom, your role in the family and identity in the larger community was altered and now you are tasked with figuring out how to grow successfully into your new reality. What could be more significant to this task than Mother's Day, which celebrates the love of a couple and the fruit of their union?

Begin by wiping the slate clean

Think about how you can celebrate this day in a whole new, yet significant and fun way. Assemble your children for a talk and ask them for input on what they would like to do. Let them know you are truly open to their suggestions and that together your new family will come up with a plan. Suggest some activities that you know they would enjoy. Be creative and think outside the box. Some ideas to consider could include an outside activity like a day trip to the beach, river, or amusement park, a picnic, boat ride or a trip to the zoo. Something that gets you out of the house, allows you lots of movement and a continuous change of scenery could be just what you all need. Given the often painful reminders, avoiding past rituals and places of celebration are a good idea this year.

Consider a joint celebration

If you have single parent friends of either sex, consider celebrating together. For children, it's usually the more the merrier and, this way, you would have the support of other adults who are dealing with the same thing you are. It's a good bet that if you were to sit down and think about it, you could come up with a list of folks that have been where you are and have moved on successfully. Surrounding yourselves with friends helps to remind you that you are not alone and that life goes on.

Remember this is a process

It will take time to get comfortable with your new life and to come up with new ways to mark celebrations, celebrate special events and be together as a family. It will be different - not worse - and maybe over time, much happier than your old life.

The post Ask a therapist: How to celebrate Mother’s Day as a divorced parent appeared first on FamilyToday.

We have taken turns as money managers, paying the bills and reluctantly bringing any big concerns to the attention of our partner. We have had discussions about the need for a budget, but these always seem to break down into finger pointing and blaming so that nothing ever gets resolved. It seems that both of us feel that the other should change their behavior and attitude and this would go a long way toward solving the problem.

I'm concerned that left unresolved, this issue could cause serious harm to us as a couple and as a family. I've thought about counseling, but he is resistant and says it would cost too much - to which I respond that it would be cheaper than a divorce.

Do you have any specific suggestions or useful tips on how we could begin to address this issue in a constructive manner?

- Day Late and a Dollar Short

DearDay Late and a Dollar Short,

The general consensus among helping professionals is that couples fight more about money than they do about children, sex and the other challenges that can come along. While on the surface I can't disagree with this observation, I think there is more to this than meets the eye.

When we think about what money means to us, words like security, comfort, social standing, power and relative worth come to mind. Therefore, money is tied to core needs and wants - and having what we perceive as enough, or not, can for us define who we are and how we believe others perceive us. There is nothing simple about that - which is why it is an area that trips up so many couples and can lead to frequent, intense and sometimes irrational outbursts.

Because this conflict comes from deeply held feelings and beliefs, it resides at least in part in the unconscious mind. When this is the case, it is very difficult to have a rational or thought out discussion due to the inability to engage our rational and thinking side. Therefore, the first steps toward finding a resolution would involve setting some ground rules for discussions and structuring the how and when of any money talks. In practice this would be something like agreeing to no yelling, name calling and storming away.

You should sit down facing one another with no electronic or other distractions there to interfere with the discussion. You should take turns talking and wait until the other is finished before responding. To help avoid things breaking down into conflict, you agree beforehand that you will take a 10 minute time out if one or both of you feel the need. It is always a good idea to put a time limit on such discussions and agree that if you need more time you can decide together to continue or to talk again later.

Each of you should make a list before your first talk that identifies areas where you see room for a compromise on your end. This could be anything from making coffee at home instead of picking some up on the way to work, to larger issues like purchases of vehicles, cost of vacations and home furnishings or anything that comes to mind. You will be surprised at how long a list this can be once you have taken a close look at your expenditures.

It is not easy to change a dynamic like yours without the help of a trained professional. However, if you use these tips, avoid blaming, keep yourself truly open and present and communicate true sincerity on your part toward your spouse's feelings and needs, you may be able to cause a shift in a positive direction. That would give you a good start and help him to respond in a more positive and open way. Then, who knows, he may feel encouraged enough to decide that outside help would be a good investment.

The post Ask a therapist: Is it money you’re really fighting about? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Just below the surface I feel resentment toward him. He does fewer chores at home and takes on less for the kids than I do. He is a poor listener and doesn't seem to really care about how I feel or what is going on with me. It always seems to be about him, his job and his interests. In other words, he's fine, so what's the problem? I don't bring my feelings up because I don't want any conflict or angry feelings impacting our family.

Am I overly sensitive, asking too much or creating problems where there really are none? Any feedback or advice would be greatly appreciated.

-Silent Partner

Dear Silent Partner,

Your signature nails the problem you are having with your spouse. You carry negative thoughts and feelings just below the surface, but you don't verbalize these with the goal of addressing them and resolving them to the point where you both can get some of your needs met. Like many men, your spouse probably believes that if you are not expressing unhappy feelings then all must be well. I encounter this frequently in my work with couples and have observed that the male spouse is usually stunned and even angry when his wife pours her negative feelings out in a session.

Avoid falling into that old trap of, "if he really loved me, he would know how I am feeling." No one is a mind reader and most of the time guys are less intuitive and tuned in to nonverbal messages than are their mates. It's a Mars vs Venus thing that doesn't make one person right and the other wrong - it just means we are different. Ironically, this difference is part of the attraction for many couples yet can lead to frustrations down the road if we don't learn how to effectively bridge the distance between us.

It is important that you begin to raise issues at the time they are occurring

For instance, if you are anticipating or already feeling overwhelmed with childcare responsibilities on a particular day, talk to your spouse then. Use "I" statements such as, "I'm feeling overwhelmed today and would really appreciate getting your help with this." Then, ask him specifically to handle the morning carpooling, run that errand, make some of those calls or pick up or prepare dinner. You should have a good handle on what is reasonable and workable in his schedule so that what you propose comes across as a real plea for help and not just as taking out your generalized anger on him.

You should do this as well when you need for him to listen and offer support. Just tell him what you need in so many words and ask him for the time and attention it will take. When you do this with an open heart and with an attitude that says you value and want him engaged, it would be hard for him not to respond positively.

The post Ask a Therapist: Stop being the silent partner appeared first on FamilyToday.

I miss the "just the two of us," and I suspect he does too. He occasionally talks to me about a new interest of his that he wants me to embrace - but when I do not feel or show enough excitement due to bad timing or exhaustion, he becomes sullen and more detached. Too often, any conversation ends with one or both of us becoming agitated, shutting down, or walking away without anything ever getting discussed and resolved. It is very lonely and I am beginning to fantasize about what it would be like to be with someone who would meet my needs.

Do you have any advice regarding how we could begin to come back together or does this relationship sound hopeless?

-In Relationship Limbo

Dear In Relationship Limbo,

If the problem you have described is an indication that your relationship is hopeless, then many couples would be headed for divorce. The multiple roles of partner, parent, employee, friend and adult child tax a couples' time, energy and patience. Add to this the financial and other stressors that are inherent in family life and your marriage can get pushed to the end of your priority list - along with the dangerous assumption that it will still be there when you are able to focus on it. A marriage is much like a garden: it needs regular care and attention or it will wither and die.

The way back together will consist of small steps

A smile and warm good morning, a gentle hug or touch on the arm, a small helpful act that lets your partner know you want to help or are thinking of them. These are all examples of things you can begin to do today. It will be important to keep your focus on your marriage, even in the midst of a chaotic morning or difficult day at work or a problem with one of your children. Taking the relationship for granted is something you want to avoid as it is the glue that will hold your shared life together and give you both the caring and support you need.

Even with limited resources it's important to carve out couples only time

You can do this only partly at home by spending time together after the kids go to bed or when they are out of the home. Watching TV should not be considered together time. Instead, a dinner for two, quiet conversation or any activity that allows you to focus on one another without the distractions of daily life would fit the bill. Ideally you need to plan time to go out together on a date. Some ideas can include dinner, going to hear a band, an evening stroll visiting a local attraction, or an afternoon at a museum. It may seem a bit awkward at first, but if you choose something you both enjoy, you will set the stage for a more intimate connection.

One last important piece is to learn to listen well and let your partner know you are listening. This can be tough over the noise and chaos of daily life. One easy technique is called reflective listening. When your spouse speaks to you, turn physically towards him, nod and listen to everything he has to say before offering a response. Then paraphrase back what you heard. He will feel valued and respected, and your connection will be less likely to get lost in the minutiae of your daily lives.

The post Ask a therapist: How to regain that connection with your spouse appeared first on FamilyToday.