As I work with clients who have been abused, they'll frequently ask, "Why didn't I see that the relationship was abusive at the beginning?" There is no simple formula for predicting future abuse, but there are six warning signs you need to be aware of:

1. Excessive jealousy

Jealousy is not an uncommon feeling in relationships. However, an article from Domestic Shelters notes that "jealousy, when in response to a real threat to the relationship is normal, as long as it's dealt with by...talking about establishing healthy boundaries that both partners can agree upon. Jealousy becomes problematic ...if one person becomes jealous even when no threat is present."

There is a big difference between a partner asking, "Did you have fun last night?" and being interrogated when you come home. Questions like "Who were you with? Why didn't you answer your phone? How many men were there?" signify a pattern of jealousy, paranoid accusations and constant interrogation, all of which are a red flag of future abuse.

2. History of unhealthy/unstable relationships

All of us have at least one unhealthy or chaotic past relationship. However, if you meet someone who has numerous chaotic/unstable past relationships, that can be a red flag. If you notice a pattern of jobs, friendships and/or marriages that ended with, "She/he/it was crazy, so I left," be wary. Many of the offenders I worked with reported that they had been violent while dating as young men, and had demonstrated some level of abuse in every serious relationship they had. If every significant relationship has ended badly for your partner, your relationship may end the same way.

3. "Playful" aggression

Many victims of domestic violence agree that their partners didn't hit them early on. Instead, their partners would use playful aggression as a way to test their reactions while dating. If your partner hugs you to the point of pain, or smashes his fist on a wall and laughs when you jump, he is testing your reaction.

A friend shared that she was in a car with a man on their first date. As she was drinking a soda, he slammed on his brakes. Her soda spilled everywhere and when she asked him what happened, he told her he had done it on purpose because it was "funny." Even though her dress was ruined by the soda, he still thought it was hilarious. She told him never to call her again because she felt that any man who thought making her cry was funny was a sign of potential future abuse.

4. Intimidation tactics

Many victims share how their partners don't have to always use physical violence to keep them terrified. Instead, their partners use intimidation tactics like punching walls, kicking and slamming doors, throwing or breaking things mixed with occasional physical violence to keep them scared and cowering.

If you are with someone who uses any of these tactics when upset, (even if they haven't laid a hand on you), it doesn't mean that they won't in the future. Sadly, domestic violence often escalates over the course of a relationship, and if a partner is willing to punch walls or break your things at the beginning, it can be a predictor that things may get worse.

5. Controlling behaviors

One of the primary components of domestic violence is control. I've had clients whose spouses controlled their computer use, choice of friends, car use and bank account. However, these clients rarely started the relationship by handing over unlimited access to everything. Instead, it was a slow, subtle process that started by their partners taking control over little things.

If your new partner demands access to all of your social media, restricts you from your friends or family ("I don't like them", "they're bad for you", "you need to stop talking to them"), or wants to know every movement you make, be careful. It may be a test to see how much they can control you in the future.

6. Gaslighting

Gaslighting is definedas "a form of psychological abuse in which a victim is manipulated into doubting his or her own memory, perception, and sanity". People who are abusive will use this technique to leave the victim confused and disoriented.

As Joe goes off to work, Victoria calmly asks what time he'll be home. Joe screams, "You're not in charge of me," slams the door and leaves. He ignores Victoria's calls all day and then he strolls in the door, three hours late. Victoria has been worried and terrified that something has happened to Joe and is weeping.

As she apologizes to him, he looks at her and asks, "Why are you upset? Everything's fine." "But you were so angry when you left," she cries. "No, I wasn't," he says as he kisses her. "You were upset. You screamed at me as I walked out the door. But don't worry, I forgive you for freaking out."

Victoria is totally confused and begins to question herself. "Maybe he wasn't that angry, maybe I'm the one that overreacted." If Joe uses this tactic repeatedly, eventually Victoria will doubt her own perception of events, which leaves her looking like the "crazy one" in the relationship.

If you are dating someone and you find yourself continually asking yourself or others, "I feel crazy asking this, but am I the one in the wrong here? I could have sworn it happened like this", that is a serious sign that this person may become abusive.

The most difficult part of predicting future abuse is that many abusive people are very good at hiding their unhealthy behaviors. However, if you are dating someone who starts to exhibit any of these behaviors, seek help from a counselor, victim advocate or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE). They can able to help you identify if the relationship is unsafe and help you figure out your next step (although be careful, people who abuse often track their partner's computer use or phone use).

You deserve a positive, stable and safe relationship.

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Over the years, regardless of the setting I've worked in as a therapist, one of the number one issues people want help with is learning to say no and mean it. How do you protect your time and priorities in a kind way? How do you say no, but still stay "nice" or be a team player?

There is definitely an art to saying no firmly and directly to those around us.

Here are three simple steps to say no efficiently:

1. Use the "slow yes"

Jonathan Becher compiled a list of great quotes about learning to say no and one of the best quotes is from CEO Tom Friel: "We need to learn the slow 'yes' and the quick 'no.'"

For some people, this seems obvious. Don't say yes without thinking it through. But for people who blurt out yes, this is easier said than done.

Often, people impulsively agree to things for several reasons. They want validation, they want to avoid conflict, they feel obligated to help everyone or they feel the need to be "nice." So, people will say "yes" before they even think through the consequences of their decision.

I frequently hear the same story: people realize their lives have become too busy, so they cut back their commitments. But then someone talks about a need for volunteers and asks if they would be interested. While their heart is racing, they say yes without even thinking about it. Since there is a need, they will fill it. They will be helpful, and people will be happy.

Then, over time, they begin to think about what they've committed to. They were already trying to cut back, and in a split second, they have added another commitment to their lives, and they don't know how to fix it.

Because it is so difficult to say no after you've agreed to something, the best way to avoid this scenario in the first place is to implement the "slow yes." There are several ways to do this. You can say, "That sounds like it could be fun, but I'll have to look at my calendar and get back to you."

If you struggle with saying yes because of the desire to avoid the conflict from saying no, it may be easier for you to take a few days, calm down, and then politely say, "I'm swamped lately and this isn't a good time for me to add another commitment."

Another technique involves waiting before answering emails or texts. One client admitted that if he immediately responded to his emails, he often impulsively said yes without thinking it through. He found that if he waited a few hours and thought about the situation objectively, he was more likely to respond calmly and could say, "I'm not ready to do that at this time, but I will let you know if that changes."

2. It is okay to change your mind

People who have a difficulty of saying no often struggle with guilt if they change their mind. They realize they currently don't have the time or energy, but instead of telling others their plans have changed, they tell themselves, "You committed to this, you have to do it." They stay up all night to complete a project or run around helping everyone, while their resentment builds.

The truth is very few things in life cannot be changed. There are some exceptions (you may not be able to walk away from a work commitment), but overall, few commitments are completely unescapable. It is okay to tell someone, "You know, I thought I had time for this, but I'm just unable to do it. You will have to find someone else."

Even in a commitment you can't walk away from, there are often ways to resolve that. It is okay to say, "You know, I thought I could do this completely on my own, but it's larger than I thought. I would like to get help from someone else" or "Is there someone on the team that can assist me with this? I want to make sure something this important is done well."

3. Create a catchphrase

If you are saying yes to desperate or unhealthy people, they may try to pressure or guilt you into changing your mind. For example, they may say "But you're the only person who knows how," "I thought you cared about me." However, if you know objectively that you need to say no, stay firm. Don't let your emotions take over your response and stay calm.

People who avoid conflict have a difficult time with this. They may say no to someone, but as soon as the person says, "please stay, I need you" or "I thought you were more committed to this process," they change their mind. Guilt and anxiety consumes them and they say, "You're right. I'm sorry. I'll keep helping you."

If saying no makes your heart race and you find yourself backpedaling or trying to defend yourself, a simple non-emotional "catchphrase" can help. For example, when I worked at a call center, instead of trying to make excuses or defend myself, I was taught to say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Regardless of how upset I was, I could say that sentence calmly and firmly.

When my friend who was a professor was confronted by angry students, she would say, "It's in the syllabus." If they got upset, she would simply repeat, "I understand you are upset, but it's in the syllabus." If you try to defend yourself and become upset, unhealthy people will sense that you are weakening and keep trying to convince you to change your mind.

If you know the person you are saying no to is unhealthy, prepare yourself with a simple statement that you can repeat even if your adrenaline is going off. "I'm sorry, but I'm not able to help at this time."

These are only a few techniques you can use, but they are a good start. Learn the art of the "slow yes," realize it is okay to change your mind and stay firm.

And always remember- it is okay to say no.

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As a counselor, I see the same story frequently. A concerned parent brings their teenager in and tells me how they've always been close to their child, but recently, their teenager stopped talking to them. As I start to work with them, their parents will say things like, "How do you get her to talk to you? She won't talk to me."

I believe that teenagers open up to counselors for several reasons: how we react, our interest level and our perseverance. I have found that parents can also do these things to improve relationship with their teenagers, you just need to know what your teen needs from you.

1. They need you to react in a caring and stable way

Teenagers often act like they have everything figured out. You may ask, "Why bother trying to help them? They don't need me."

But here's the big secret: they do need you. Teenagers are not grown-ups. They are often scared and overwhelmed. The world is big and life is scary. And when they start to feel scared, overwhelmed and out-of-control, they often will try to talk to their parents about it.

Unfortunately, when a teenager shares something shocking or big, even when parents try to stay calm, they don't always handle the news well. You find yourself yelling about grades or crying because they are growing up too quickly.

When you react in those ways, your kids will clam up.

Part of the reason that teenagers feel comfortable confiding in their counselor is that the counselor's reactions are caring and stable. Whether they share minor issues ("I couldn't find my locker and I felt stupid") or big issues ("My boyfriend and I went farther than I meant to"), I try to react to their issues in a caring and emotionally stable way. I don't burst into tears or scream at them. I simply say, "I can't believe you're dealing with that. Let's talk about it."

Being a parent is tough and it can be difficult to keep your emotions under control. However, if you want your child to open up, they have to be able to trust that you will react in a calm, loving, consistent manner.

Learn to breathe deeply and work on staying even-tempered when they approach you with something. When you respond calmly about the littler issues, they will trust you more with the big stuff.

2. They need you to care about their lives

I often read young adult fiction these days. Not because I always love the books, but because it allows me to connect to the teenagers I work with. There is nothing as awesome as watching a teenager's face light up when I tell them, "Guess which book I'm reading? The one you recommended!"

One day I was running a therapeutic group at a psychiatric hospital, and I asked the teens in the room, "How do you know someone cares about you?" One boy said, "When I care about someone, I make sure I know what they like, how their day goes, what music they listen to." Shrugging, he shared, "The people in my life, the ones that care about me know all that." I realized that caring about teenagers is more than just caring about their overall well-being. It is caring about the songs, books and YouTube videos they love.

It's easy to tack on a quick, "I love you" as we run out the door. But for many teenagers, feeling loved goes deeper than rushed words. They feel loved and valued when their parents remember how they like their coffee or their favorite song. I know which Justin Bieber song is on the radio, not because I need to, but because it makes the teenagers I work with feel valued that I use my time to learn about something important to them.

If your teenager keeps saying, "You just don't understand me," seek to understand them. Not by sitting them down and forcing them to talk to you. Instead, ask them what's on their iPod or about the last book they read. It will mean a lot to them, and it will give you things to talk about.

3. They need you to keep trying

You know how at home your teens will ignore you and walk into their room? They do that with counselors too! If a teen won't talk to his parents, the first few sessions are pretty rough with the counselor as well. But do you know what? The more questions I ask, the more books I read, over time they open up.

With teenagers, even when they are ignoring you, they are aware of you. So when they push you away, and you leave them alone, they notice. They tell me things like, "I know I've been awful lately, but I wish my mom would talk to me." When I ask teenagers what they want their positive reward to be for good behavior, they often want time with their parents. They want to be with you. Even when they act like they don't want you around.

There is such a tug-of-war with teenagers. They push parents away, but want comfort and support. So when your teen pushes you away, don't stay away! Instead, keep trying to connect with them. Hug them, write them a note, ask them about school. Keep trying to build a relationship with them. It's not easy, but the trade-off is worth it. When they are close to you and feel sure that you can handle their issues, you will have a rewarding relationship with them.

These are difficult steps to take when you are the parent of a withdrawn teenager, but be confident. You can stay calm, you can connect and just keep trying.

Editor's note: This article originally appeared on Hilary Cobb's blog, www.blessedbyhislove.com It has been republished here with permission.

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