As a new mom, I was terrified. My four-month-old daughter's hungry whine had evolved into the stage my husband and I affectionately referred to as "nuclear" — as in, "She's gone nuclear." Normally, I fed her discreetly under a nursing cover, or in the car when she grew old enough to consider the cover an optional nuisance. But we had gone on a walk, and there was no car to hide in. So, I took a deep breath, perched myself on the stroller, and fed my baby in the middle of a largely deserted parking lot.

A middle-aged woman approached. Was she about to tell me off for my poor planning and public indecency? She laughed. "I remember those days!" She gestured to her teenage daughter. "They don't get any less demanding!"

As a slightly less new mom, I was terrified. I had promised a friend I would be her bridesmaid, but it would require a two-hour plane ride with the baby. What if my daughter screamed the whole flight? What if other passengers muttered under their breath, and the airline personnel reprimanded me?

The flight attendants oohed and ahhed over my daughter. A fellow passenger lifted my bag into the overhead compartment. And the passengers encouraged her when she got restless waiting to deplane. "She was so good!" they exclaimed. "I didn't even know she was there!"

Mama, you don't have to be afraid. I know you see those stories going viral — the ones about mothers shamed for breastfeeding in public, for flying to see Grandma, for wanting a rare dinner out. It seems to you that parents are shamed for letting their offspring see the light of day. I want to tell you that is not true.

Yes, the news stories are real. Some people are cruel. But most people are kind. They will smile at your babies and coo over their chubby cheeks. They will wave back to your friendly toddler. They will reassure you that you can make it, and it will get easier.

Mama, I want you to know that the world is rooting for you. We know that your children are our future, and your labor of love is partly for us. Please don't be afraid to go to the library, to the mall, to Applebees, to the airport. We know you are giving all you have to give. We will understand if your kids act like ... well ... kids.

We love you. Don't be afraid.

The post Mama, you don’t have to be afraid appeared first on FamilyToday.

The mommy blogosphere fills the family life and parenting section of the Internet. These mommy bloggers seem like experts. They have devoted their all to their families. These women are sacrificing time, energy and dreams to build society. Their sacrifice makes possible the continuation of the arts, the sciences, literature, philosophy, technology, governments - anything that requires responsible and intelligent people.

However, mommy blogs will not provide you with the most accurate view of family life. After reading too many mommy blogs, you might believe...

There are mothers who craft, deep clean their homes, cook three beautiful meals, spend meaningful time with each member of their family, throw beautiful birthday parties, and dress to the nines - every single day.

To quote (the 2005 movie, Pride and Prejudice) Elizabeth Bennett, "I never saw such a woman. She would certainly be a fearsome thing to behold."

This misconception is an example of what I like to call "the perfect husband" phenomenon. It goes something like this.

Four wives sit down and talk about why they love their husbands. One woman says she loves her husband's foot rubs. Another woman's husband cooks dinner every night. Another lucky wife receives love poetry from her husband, and the last appreciates that her husband goes on one-on-one outings with the kids. The first wife walks away wishing her husband would help with domestic duties, the second wishes her husband was more romantic, the third wished her husband spent more time with the kids, and the fourth wife is unhappy because she can't remember the last time her husband gave her a foot rub.

Many mommy bloggers have an expertise that is the focus of their blog. Some have cooking blogs, some have parenting blogs, some focus on household management, and some just want to share pictures and funny stories for the grandmas.

"But what about THIS blog?" you wail. "She posts pictures of delicious cupcakes, perfectly-styled children, date ideas, AND promotes her charity."

Yes, but does she do everything on the same day? On the day of the perfect cupcakes, she had a sink full of dishes. On the day of the perfectly-styled children, she didn't shower. On the day of the perfect date, her children watched hours of television.

We might be able to do it all, but not every day.

Motherhood is full of baby smiles, darling outfits and kids who never sass

You can't blame a mother for not wanting to air her dirty laundry (literally) in public. It can be much more fun to blog about the funny comment of a preschooler, or how your two-month-old just rolled over.

But, the reader might not realize the truth. There are baby smiles, but sometimes they come right after the baby spits up all over the darling outfit. The well-behaved child will do something you don't approve of. And for every cherubic photograph, there are 20 blurry pictures and 10 pictures of the little angel screaming or grimacing.

Life is hard, funny, messy, boring, exciting, long and short. Why should parenting be different?

Motherhood is an endless drudgery of dirty diapers, no sleep and tantrums in Toys R Us

In response to the picture perfect mommy blogs, the Internet has seen a movement of bloggers wanting to tell the "truth" about parenting. This can be a wonderful support group for people who already have children. A frazzled mom can sit down and read another parent's account of an eventful diaper change. Suddenly, she doesn't feel alone, and life feels manageable again.

But, parents are not the only readers, and the exaggerations that make the stories humorous are less clear to someone who hasn't been there. The reader is now ready to take drastic measures to ensure childlessness.

Toddlers are fascinated with the contents of their diapers. New babies wake up in the night. If you take a tired 5-year-old to Toys R Us and walk him past the newest Lego set, a tantrum is likely. But children do grow up.

Even in the moment, it is better than the blogs. There are experiences to which words just can't do justice. Most parents don't even try. Some parents do share these moments, but their words almost always fall flat.

In a movie called, "The Back-Up Plan," one man asks another what it's like to be a parent. The father responds that it is "awful, awful, awful" but then "something amazing" happens, and it makes everything else worth it. I don't entirely agree with this character (I don't feel the word "awful" is accurate or helpful), but there is truth in his words. Families require difficult things and gross things, big sacrifices and small ones. And then something small, simple and miraculous happens. In that moment, it is all worth it.

I'm not going to call on mommy bloggers to change. There is nothing wrong with sharing the beautiful parts of life in the spirit of preserving memories and uplifting others. There is also nothing wrong with needing a place to constructively vent and relate to other parents. There are extremes on both sides, but moderation, humility and a sense of humor can maintain balance.

I am asking that readers of mommy blogs keep perspective. These blogs can be a great resource, but they are hurtful when read with the wrong eyes. These blogs contain real stories from real people, but they are a form of fiction. The experiences become garbled, and important pieces are lost.

So read the mommy blogs. Read for the recipes. Read for the advice. Read for the cute stories and darling kids. Read for a glimpse of a different life.

Just know that the mommy blogs don't get it all right, and so, in some ways, they have it all wrong.

The post Why mommy blogs have it all wrong appeared first on FamilyToday.

But what exactly was this study? While there have been many similar research projects, the original was published in 1997 by Dr. Arthur Aron. The procedure was relatively simple. Subjects were paired up and given 36 questions to answer in 45 minutes. These questions became more and more personal as the list went on. After the study was over, the participants, on average, rated their partner relationships of 45 minutes as being about as close as average relationships in their lives. Furthermore, 30 percent of the participants rated their relationships of 45 minutes as being closer than the closest relationships in their lives!

So, maybe this wasn't love per se - but two of the participants in the original study did fall in love and get married, and Mandy Len Catron herself fell in love with her partner when she tried it out.

I can add another story to the mix as well. When I met my husband, we didn't know about this study, and we didn't have this list of questions. However, our conversations got very personal - very quickly. Before we had been "official" for three days, he knew where I wanted to be proposed to. We loved talking about ideas, society, our experiences and our goals. We still do.

So, what exactly did these participants ask each other? What was so powerful about these particular questions? Their order is important. Part of the "magic" is that, throughout the 45 minutes, these questions increase in intimacy. Here are a few:

• Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

• When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

• Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

• Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

• Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

• What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

For a complete list, click here.

The 36 questions in Dr. Aron's study are not magical, but they are designed to produce closeness. And so, through these questions, we can learn what closeness is...

It's knowing what someone values. It's knowing another's fears. It's knowing where someone came from and where he would like to go. It's identifying with another. Most importantly, it's sharing part of oneself, trusting another and being trusted by him in return.

So, the study doesn't necessarily create love. But when you really know a person's values and fears, where he came from, where he would like to go - when you identify with and share yourself with someone, trusting him and allowing him to trust you - could you resist loving that person?

What would happen to our most important relationships if we turned to each other, got to know each other in these ways and chose to trust and be trustworthy?

What would happen if we asked our husbands or wives about their longtime dreams and asked why they haven't made those happen? We'd probably learn about secret passions and what our spouses feel is really important.

What would happen if we asked our fathers about their most treasured memories? We'd probably hear about the happiest moments of their lives, learn what makes them happy and better understand how to serve them meaningfully.

What would happen if we put our arms around our sons and (gulp) asked them how they feel about their relationships with us? We'd probably walk away knowing better how to express love and encourage growth in our children.

And, finally, what would happen if we sat down with those we love and told them about our fears, hopes, desires and memories? We would feel known - feel significant. We would feel love and trust grow for the loved ones who know our deepest selves.

You could fall in love, save a marriage or strengthen a family in just 45 minutes.

The post How to save a relationship in 45 minutes appeared first on FamilyToday.

I know my mommy

The little bundle the nurses handed you in the hospital couldn't say, "Hello, Mommy," but your baby knew exactly who you were all the same. In utero, an infant can hear his or her mother's voice, so by birth, babies can distinguish between their moms' voices and others' voices. Research also indicates that fetuses learn to recognize their mothers' smells during the last trimester of the pregnancy.

If you are trying to convince a newborn to sleep, this information can come in handy. Try placing something that smells like mom in the crib (a pillow case or a shirt) or playing a recording of her voice in the nursery.

My eyesight is not so great

At birth, a baby's eyesight is around 20/600. In layman's terms, this means a newborn can see an object 20 feet away as well as the average person can see the object from 600 feet away. At around six months of age, though, children's eyesight has improved to average adult levels.

Faces are my favorite

Research indicates that babies can recognize a human face at birth. In fact, they prefer faces to other stimuli. Keep this in mind when purchasing baby gear; for the first month or so, your baby's favorite toy will probably be you.

After faces, babies prefer high contrast patterns. They can't distinguish between colors, so black and white checkerboard-type patterns will draw the most attention at first. My dad was especially proud that his blue and white plaid shirt caught his 2-week-old grandbaby's attention. Day by day, you will notice your baby's eyes as he or she focuses on more and different kinds of objects and patterns.

I'm not tearing up

Your newborn may arch his or her back and wail when hungry, but you won't see any tears. While your baby does have tear ducts, they can only produce enough liquid to protect the eyes. Tears will begin to show up at around 3 months of age.

I have more bones than you do

At birth, humans have 270 bones. Over time, the bones in the skull and the spine fuse together, so adults have 206 bones. Scientists believe that having more separated bones (as well as a lot of cartilage in the skeleton) helps babies get through the birthing process unscathed.

Your newborn is a cuddly bundle of amazing intelligence and physical wonder. Now, just try to remember that at 3 a.m. tonight.

The post What your newborn wants you to know appeared first on FamilyToday.

Just as it is easy to overindulge in sweets, it can be easy to take on unhealthy habits in our relationships. This seems to be especially true in our relationships with our teenagers. Whether you are the parent, sibling or the grandparent of teenagers, these are seven easy substitutes to make your relationship with your teen healthier.

1. Substitute "Why can't you be more like Johnny?" with "I really appreciated it when you played with your sister today so I could cook dinner."

In the first example, your teenager hears, "I like Johnny more than I like you," or "Johnny is better than you." This isn't true, and it's not the message you are trying to convey anyway. You want your teenager to know you value him for his unique qualities and personality. The second option acknowledges specific examples of positive behavior, so he knows exactly what he did right. It also points out the consequences of his choice as well, helping him link his actions with the results.

2. Instead of, "How was your day?" say "What was the most exciting part of your day?"

Unfortunately, the first question is not open-ended; furthermore, this particular question has become almost meaningless through frequent repetition. The second question inspires more thought, and, for those with taciturn teenagers, it's hard to answer with one word. As a bonus, this question can also help you learn what interests, excites, and motivates your teen.

3. Swap out "I'm disappointed in you." for "It really bothered me when I heard you refer to the new girl as 'gross.' Can we talk about it?"

The first sentence pushes a lot of emotional buttons, but the real problem is a lack of specificity. It is a blanket statement, so a melodramatic teenager could easily hear, "I'm disappointed in everything about you." For obvious reasons, this interpretation could be damaging to a relationship. A better approach is to address a specific example of a specific attitude or behavior. It's also important to consistently open up a dialogue with your teenager. If your teen feels safe in your conversations, he or she will be more likely to talk to you about sensitive subjects rather than turning to less reliable sources like peers or the Internet.

4. Substitute, "You're so smart!" for "You've worked so hard!"

While this swap might be surprising, research does indicate that praising effort over intelligence has positive effects. In a 1998 study by Claudia M. Mueller and Carol S. Dweck, 128 fifth graders were presented a puzzle. Upon completing the puzzle, half of the children were praised for their intelligence, and half of the children were praised for their effort. The results showed the children who were praised for their effort displayed more persistence, more enjoyment of their tasks, and better performance overall. These children were also more likely to believe that intelligence could be improved, rather than believing it to be a fixed trait.

5. Instead of, "You're lazy, disrespectful and selfish. What did I do wrong?" say, "What do you think your weaknesses are? How can I help you work on them?"

The second option contains many "nutrients." It gives the teenager responsibility for her self-improvement, encourages self-awareness, and it encourages her to set goals. And, this option puts you in the role of mentor and partner rather than the bad guy (a much more pleasant situation for you). Last but not least, almost every potential employer will ask your teenager during a job interview to identify her biggest weakness so learning to answer this question early and often will be great practice.

6. Swap out, "No, you can't go out tonight. You never spend any time with our family," for, "I know you really enjoy playing Super Smash Brothers. Can we play together tonight?"

Family time is much more fun when everyone's having, well, fun. If your teen seems reluctant to participate in family activities, consider letting him plan the next one or choosing one of his hobbies as the focus. A personal invitation can also make him realize his presence is important to you and make him feel wanted. Make sure the two of you are spending regular quality time together as well so he knows you enjoy his company and don't just view him as a "piece" of the family "set."

7. Instead of "You never talk to me." Substitute "Have you read the "New York Times" article about school shootings? What did you think?"

Sometimes it's difficult to start a conversation with someone with whom you speak often or someone with whom you don't speak much at all! If you and your teen fall on either end of the spectrum, consider talking about current events, books, movies, politics, music - anything that falls outside of your normal day-to-day conversations. This can take some of the pressure off a relationship that may revolve around rules and expectations, and you will learn more about each other's ideas and thought processes. Conversations like these can also help your teenager make interesting small talk, which can be invaluable in social and business situations.

While popular culture makes healthy relationships with teenagers challenging, it doesn't have to be. These seven substitutions can help you swap out the relationship junk, add some emotional vitamins and enjoy the teenage years of your loved ones.

The post 7 substitute sayings for a healthier relationship with your teen appeared first on FamilyToday.

Whether you are a parent, an aunt or uncle, a sibling, or a grandparent to teenagers, or even if you work with teenagers in another way, these are four things you can do to build up the teenagers in your life.

1. Give him or her opportunities to serve

There are several reasons why service will put an extra spring in your teenager's step. When he or she sees that he or she has the ability to make a positive difference in the lives of others, it will teach him or her that he or she can have an impact on his environment and the people in it. He or she will also begin to think of himself or herself as a person who helps others, and therefore a "good" person. Most importantly, though, he or she will develop the habit of buckling down to do what needs to be done instead of questioning his or her ability to do it.

2. Balance support and limits

Research shows that parenting styles typically fall into four categories: authoritative (high support, high limits);, permissive (high support, low limits); authoritarian (low support, high limits); and uninvolved/neglectful (low support, low limits).

Parents with authoritative parenting styles are the most likely to produce children with high self-esteem. An authoritative parenting style is one in which expectations are clear, fair and consistent. Parents encourage independence and express affection often. They want their children to express their opinions, and they listen to those opinions. These are not pushover or uninvolved parents, but they work with their children and allow them in an age-appropriate manner to shape their parenting.

3. Teach him or her to be competent

At the heart, confidence is knowledge that you can handle whatever comes your way, so give your teen that knowledge. Hand him or her a $50 bill and tell him to take his siblings out to dinner so he or she knows how to order, pay and tip at a restaurant.

Send him or her to the grocery store with your list. And please, please, please don't limit their knowledge to stereotypical gender roles. Boys need to know how to cook dinner, do laundry, wash the dishes and sew on a button. Girls need to know how to change a tire, check a car's oil, change a light bulb, use power tools and mow a lawn.

While you might not expect them to manage the household, a teenager should know how to clean a house and do minor upkeeping tasks. The more prepared your teenager is for the real world, the more confident he or she will be both in the present and in the future.

4. Say these words more often (and mean them): "I trust your judgment."

If the idea of saying this to your teenager scares you, take some time to determine the reason. After all, unless your teenager is severely troubled, he or she probably makes good decisions about 90-95 percent of the time. At the very least, there must be one area in which you trust your teenager's judgment. Let him or her know.

Teenagers who know they have someone's trust, especially that of an authority figure, will protect that trust. Additionally, giving teenagers a chance to exercise their judgment will prepare them to make important decisions in the future.

Remember the four parenting styles discussed earlier? Children raised with the authoritarian parenting style are more likely to be anxious and indecisive. Give your teenagers confidence through your trust in them.

While the teenage years can be a turbulent and insecure time, they don't have to be. These four tools can empower and uplift the teenagers in your lives as they go on to fulfill their potential as successful adults.

The post How to build your teen’s self confidence appeared first on FamilyToday.