We just returned from an overnight couples' retreat held at the historic Mission Inn in Riverside, CA. I like to glean from the sessions when we go to retreats and then share what I learned with you. Usually, we will have a few sessions all together as a group, and then there will be a split session for the men and ladies. I ALWAYS wish I could go to the men's session instead! I am so curious to know what they are talking about and if the speaker really knows what women need and want! This year, the men's session had a handout, so when my husband shared it with me, I knew that I could easily share it with you!

Our meeting room was lined with these gorgeous Tiffany (yes, THAT Tiffany) windows overlooking a four-story rotunda. It was a little hard to focus on the speaker with so many pretty things to look at! Thankfully, my husband isn't so distracted by shiny things and he took good notes. So, what do women really want? Here is what was shared with the men during their split session. (Information was provided by Terry Randolph, Pastor of Cornerstone Baptist Church in Phoenix, Arizona.)

How to love your wife. Learn to be a "couple."

C- Closeness

When the Bible talks about "cleaving" it means to cling to, to hold and to keep close. It encompasses more than sexuality - it embraces the spiritual and emotional needs as well. So how can a man get close to his wife?

• Hold hands

• Hug her

• Be affectionate without sexual intentions

• Laugh together

• Take her on a date

I know that the times when I feel the closest to my husband are when we are sharing a joke together. For example, during the middle of the last session, the speaker kept saying the word "duty" in relation to some point he was making. After saying it two or three times, my husband leaned over and whispered, "He's saying doody a lot." I just about lost it. It was such a stupid joke, but I swear, he must have said "doody" at least 10 more times! I got to that about-to-lose-total-control point and fortunately he moved on to the next topic. Meanwhile, my husband is sitting next to me grinning from ear to ear because he made me almost wet my pants.

O- Openness

Men tend to be more closed about things, whereas women want to be open. Women need emotional attachment and want to be informed about the details. So how can a man be more open?

• Tell her about your day

• Tell her how you feel

• Tell her the details

• Listen to her and pay attention

My husband wrote these notes to himself in the margin: "Don't say, It's fine. It'll be OK. Don't worry about it." He knows me well. Nothing irritates me more than when there's something we need to deal with (which means sitting down and hashing it out in painful detail to get things done) and he says, "Don't worry about it." So yes, we need details. It amazes me when he comes home from work and says he talked to his mom all the way home on the phone. It's over an hour commute, so I'll start asking questions like, "What did she say? How are things with them? What's going on up there?" and I end up with one or two word answers! DETAILS, MR.! We want DETAILS!

U- Understand

1 Peter 3:7 says, "Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered."

Understand how valuable your wife is so you know how to treat her. This verse is not saying she's a weak vessel. It's a simile describing HOW you should treat her, not how she IS. You treat something fragile with great care, giving it a place of honor in your home. It's something of great importance to you.

Too many women get their hackles up when it comes to verses like these. Relax, ladies. Let him treat you like a queen, take care of you and protect you. It's what HE needs and I don't mind it so much, either.

P-Peace

Marriage is a series of compromises and concessions. So how do you live in peace with your wife?

• Let her vent her frustrations without getting angry

• Say I'm sorry and admit when you're wrong

• Understand her desire to compromise and meet her half way

• Don't nurse bitterness - let her know you love her

My husband has, "You can be right, or you can be happy" written in the margin. I'm pretty sure that's the part of the session when they were all guffawing. Or maybe it was when the speaker said, "Affection and food is better than being right and standing your ground." Hopefully, you aren't fighting over things that are all that important anyway, and it's OK to go ahead and give some ground for the sake of peace.

L-Loyalty

• Speak highly of her to other people (and let her hear you doing it)

• Keep your commitments

• Don't look lustfully at other women

• Give her priority

Knowing your husband is in your corner and isn't undermining you or speaking about you behind your back is so comforting. All men will look at other women, but knowing he's not going back for a second look but is loyal to you as his wife brings stability and longevity to a marriage.

E-Esteem

Your wife will feel esteemed (worthy, of value) when you do the following:

• Open and hold the door for her (it shows her and others that you value her)

• Teach your children to show her respect (they're not just disrespecting their mom, they're disrespecting YOUR girlfriend)

• Value her opinion

• Let her know you're proud of her

• Let everyone know you're a COUPLE.

My husband is great about telling me he's proud of me and what I've learned and accomplished with blogging over the last couple years. It's so nice to know that he's impressed and doesn't just think of me as a personal waitress, maid and nanny! I have value, I'm worth something in this marriage and I'm important to him. What woman doesn't want to hear those words occasionally?

So what do you think? Did the speaker get it right? I didn't see a single thing that I would disagree with in this list. I'm sure his wife helped him put it together. They have been married for 42 years, so I think they both have some insight into what works!

The post What women really want appeared first on FamilyToday.

We just returned from a couples' retreat in Aliso Viejo (Orange County) organized by our church. It was such a treat to get away from our work, the kids and life in general for 24 hours and concentrate on our relationship! The last session we had was about learning the art of apologizing. Why learn how to apologize correctly?

• You're going to need to do it.

• Apology is the bridge to reconciliation.

• There will be consequences if you don't.

I will willingly and readily admit that in our marriage, I am the one who needed this session more. I am lousy at apologizing. I either don't do it at all or I offer the words without the sincerity that should go with them. If I can remember these three steps to a genuine apology, I know that when I hurt someone, I can be sure to properly heal that relationship.

1. Remorse and regret

Simply put, this is the "I'm sorry" part of apologizing. This needs to be coupled with the right attitude and heart. We've all instructed our kids to tell someone they are sorry and been treated to the less-than-sincere delivery of those words.

A stiff apology is nothing but a second insult.

It also needs to be more than just, "I'm sorry." An apology needs to include acknowledgement of what was done to hurt the other party. It needs to be specific and not vague. For example, "I'm sorry I spoke to you in that tone of voice. It was rude and disrespectful and I shouldn't have reacted that way."

Lastly, your offered apology needs to be given with nothing expected in return. Expecting the other person to follow your apology with one of their own is not a genuine apology.

2. Responsibility

The next thing is probably the hardest. Accepting responsibility for wrong-doing means you have to humble yourself and say those three little words, "I was wrong." Ouch. It takes courage to say those words! It doesn't mean you are weak! It also takes confidence and maturity. An immature person will do whatever they can to pass the blame. Besides, no one has ever choked to death swallowing their pride.

3. Reconciliation

After expressing remorse (I'm sorry) and accepting responsibility (I was wrong) the last step is to reconcile. This is expressed by saying, "Will you forgive me?" It's the next step in restoring the broken trust in a relationship. You're not just saying the words "will you forgive me," you are saying, "You're important to me. I care about our relationship. I care about mending what is broken more than I care about my pride." By the time you get to the point of actually asking forgiveness, if you've done step one and two correctly, it will most likely be quickly and easily given.

What about you? Are you good at the art of apology? Or do you tend to let things go and ignore the situation until you think it's gone away?

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Nicole Burkholder's blog, 365(ish) Days of Pinterest. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 3 steps to a genuine apology appeared first on FamilyToday.

I didn't own a cell phone in high school (gasp). No one did. We didn't have "the Internet." Google wasn't a noun, much less a verb. As I was transitioning from high school student to semi-autonomous college student, technology was exploding. I owned my first cell phone when I was freshman in college. It stayed off and was locked in my car's glove compartment. It was for emergencies only, as every call cost about a zillion bucks. It also weighed 85 pounds and was the size of a Chihuahua, so I wasn't tempted to carry it around. But I was considered "cool" for having one.

Fast forward to my senior year and preparing for marriage. I still didn't have a cell phone - a few of the "rich" kids carried them around, but it wasn't mainstream yet. When I think of how much easier it would have been to find my boyfriend/fiance on campus if we'd had phones "¦ Oh, the time saved. No money wasted on the stupid pay phone in the hallway. No waiting an eternity for someone to answer the dorm phone. No waiting another eternity while said someone yelled at the top of his lungs, "JARED "¦ JARED "¦ YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS ON THE PHONE." No waiting until some kind soul finally picks up the abandoned phone to inform me that Jared signed out for work three hours ago and won't be home until after curfew.

Man, things would have been so much easier! Then again, getting into trouble would have been so much easier if we had to deal with texting, Facebook and Twitter as clueless kids with raging hormones. I'm honestly glad we made it out just in time!

We have been married for almost 13 years, and the changes in technology in just that time are staggering. We were married a couple of years before I even owned a cell phone. Then it was a few more before texting became available and finally affordable. A few years later, Facebook came onto the scene as something not just for college kids anymore.

We adapted as new technology and social media became available. But I do wish we could go back in time and be taught as kids and young adults how we should handle the technology available to us. There was no preparation for the onslaught of media we now deal with on a day-to-day basis. When we were doing our premarital counseling, there wasn't a session devoted to keeping our marriage guarded from issues that may arise via Facebook. There were no guidelines on how to communicate with your spouse using text messaging.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the advances we have made in technology (by "we," I mean the nameless, faceless people with IQs of 850 who populate the Silicon valley). I have a website/blog, a Facebook page (both personal and business), a Twitter account and best of all, Pinterest. And that's just a drop in the bucket of what's available out there. But when I read this article from To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, it hit the nail on the head. Here's just a sample (click on the link to read the article in its entirety.)

It's 1991 and Miss Recent Law Grad needs to talk to Mr. Lawyer Partner about a case on the weekend. She dials his home phone and Mr. Lawyer's 4-year-old son answers. Recent Law Grad convinces him to pass the phone to his mommy, who explains that Mr. Lawyer Partner is out taking the 8-year-old to gymnastics. Miss Recent Law Grad used to take gymnastics, too. They chat for a bit about the lessons, and she leaves a message with Mrs. Lawyer Partner explaining why she's bugging Mr. Lawyer Partner at home.

(Fast forward to 2013) Miss Recent Law Grad texts Mr. Lawyer Partner while he's watching gymnastics. She's never talked to the wife. She knows vaguely that he has a few kids, but they're not real to her. But every day she and the partner text back and forth at least a dozen times. They're becoming good friends.

It's 1982 and Johnny Doe is driving through his hometown when he passes the old "make out bridge." He has fleeting thoughts of Mary Jane, with whom he often frequented that spot. But he doesn't look her up, because he has no idea where she is. She's probably married anyhow.

(2013) And Johnny Doe? He found Mary Jane on Facebook a couple of months back. They've been privately messaging for a while now. She's been married for 23 years, but she feels dissatisfied. "Talking" to Johnny reminds her of those exhilarating times when she was young and felt desirable and the future was all open to her. Her husband has no idea that she's found Johnny again.

See where she's going with this? It's just so easy for a spouse to be pulled away unintentionally! What used to be impossible is now the everyday. And we need to adapt to the changes to protect our marriage.

My husband and I share a Facebook account (we have all the same friends anyway, and there's no question about with whom we are interacting.) We both know the passwords to each other's emails, phones, etc. I'll often scroll through my husband's phone and read his texts, just because I'm curious about his work interactions and with whom he spends his day. I like to see how people respond to his leadership and how he solves problems at work. He knows this, (I do it in front of him - not snooping around) and it's just another layer of protection for us. He reads my blog every day so he doesn't feel like I'm connecting with people "out there" and leaving him out of it (even if he really doesn't care what the latest makeup tip going around Pinterest is).

We trust each other - it's everyone else that's the problem. No, really, we live a world marred by sin, and we have to be vigilant and fiercely protective of one another and our family unit! I'd love to hear what you do to keep your marriage strong and protected, other than "unplugging" completely and living on a mountain top somewhere.

The post The threat of technology to your marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

On Wednesday night, we had a special meeting with the theme "Building Your Home." Pastor Ernie Merritt spoke to the men and boys and his wife, Melissa, spoke to the ladies. The focus of the meeting was on practical ways to build a godly home. Her points were so good, I promise! But for the life of me, I can't remember them, even though they were alliterated with the letter "C" for easy memory. My brother said it was probably something like Crying, Cowardice, Cackling, Craziness and Criticizing. He's so helpful. I remember the overall gist of the night, so, in the immortal words of Inigo Montoya, ""¦lemme sum up."

Cultivate a strong relationship with Christ

You can't even begin to hope your children will "turn out" and your daily life will go the way it should if you are not actively cultivating your relationship with Christ. This begins with salvation, but goes beyond that as well. Are you spending time reading your Bible each day? Do you remain in an attitude of prayer throughout the day, communing with Christ? You can't be the role model you need to be if you don't have a healthy relationship with Him. And yes, it's a relationship, not a list of do's and don'ts that you check off each day.

Cherish your husband and children

""¦in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish"¦" We make that vow, but do we know what it means? Cherish is defined to hold or treat as dear, to feel love for; to care for tenderly, nurture. I've written many times about ways to cherish your husband specifically, so we won't go into that today. But take a step back and evaluate your behavior toward your husband. Would he say that you cherish him? Try to incorporate deliberate acts of love toward your husband each day. We all say "I love you" but do you show it?

And what about your children? Do you treat them as a burden and an inconvenience? Trust me, I know it's hard some days. I count down to bedtime regularly. But we are growing and nurturing people! The next generation of humanity! They are a wonderful gift! Think of the childless people in the world longing for the opportunity that we often take for granted.

By the way, caring for and nurturing someone means giving them what they need, not just what they want. Feed them, put a roof over their heads, clothe them, and discipline them. Yes, discipline. Because loving them is giving them what they need, not just what they want. And no child wants to be disciplined, but all of them sure need it!

Care for your house

If you ever read Proverbs 31, you know that lady was BUSY! She wasn't just sitting at home barefoot and pregnant, either. She was industrious, she was financially savvy, and her household was well cared for. Caring for your house doesn't just mean keeping it neat and tidy. It means creating a welcoming environment for your family. It means keeping track of doctors' appointments, organizing school work, shopping, cooking, cleaning "¦ and the list goes on and on. It's hard to "build your house" if you don't, you know, take care of it!

Control your speech

Watch out, it's about to get real here, folks! The fastest way you can tear down the home you are trying to build is to open your big mouth! Speaking in a negative way about your husband to other people, or even worse, in front of your children will NEVER do any good. Ever. Lashing out in anger and irritation when your toddler spills food all over the couch leaves a mark that can't ever be taken away.

Again, I go back to the Proverbs 31 woman here ""¦ and in her tongue is the law of kindness." Can that be said about you? This hit me right between the eyes the other night. Right before church, I was SO frustrated with all the kids for various reasons, and I began to take it out on everyone with my tongue. My tone was angry and my voice was raised. And I hate the way my kids' faces looked while I was yelling at them. Did I really expect my barely 2-year-old son to clean up an entire puzzle he dumped on the floor without supervision? Leaving him to clean it up and then being angry when he picked it up and dumped it all out again was foolish of me. He's being 2. That's what they do. If I expect obedience, I need to stick around and train him. Instead, I yelled at him and then sent his father in to deal with the mess. Oops. Control your speech, Nicole. OK! Lesson learned.

I hope this has been as helpful to you as it was to me. There's nothing new being said here, but it just helps to be reminded not to "coast" through our marriage and rearing our children. It takes work to build up a home. And it's oh-so-easy to pluck it right down again!

One last thing, right at the end of the night, Melissa said something almost as an aside, but it was so good: the church is only as strong as its families. Wow. It's true - the church is made up of families. And if the family is weak, so is the church. I want our family to be contributing to the strength of the whole, not acting as a weak limb, dragging everyone around us down! What about you? Are you building your home, or plucking it down?

The post Are you building a godly house? appeared first on FamilyToday.

My fingers moved over the keys, playing the beautiful melody, but my mind was very far away. As the choir sang these words, I silently wept at the piano, struggling to see through my tears.

Bow the knee, Trust the heart of your Father when the answer goes beyond what you can see,

Bow the knee, Keep your eyes on Jesus and believe the One who holds eternity,

And when you don't understand the purpose of His plan,

In the presence of the King, bow the knee.

At that very moment, I was painfully aware of the fact that I was in the process of losing our baby to a miscarriage and there was nothing I could do about it.

It took us almost a year to get pregnant with our first child, Bryce, who was born in December of 2004. When he turned 2, we started thinking about wanting to have another baby and began trying to conceive again. It took several months of trying, but we were excited to be expecting a new baby in May of 2007.

However, around the 8-week mark, things didn't seem "right." I couldn't get in to see my new OBGYN because I was under 11 weeks, and my old OBGYN wasn't taking OB appointments anymore. Thankfully, she let me come in anyway to do an ultrasound. I saw our baby moving around on the screen and then heard the heartbeat, but the measurements weren't lining up with how many weeks I was along, and I had already been spotting. My doctor told me I was "threatening miscarriage" but there was really nothing I could do but wait and see.

Three weeks later, early in the morning on a Sunday, I started to cramp and bleed pretty heavily. It came and went, and we had obligations at church, so we went along with the day as planned, but during a trip to the restroom right before the service started, I knew there was no coming back from this. I remember the shame and sadness as I wondered if I had done something to cause this.

Monday morning we went to the ER and I was in horrible pain and bleeding profusely. It was labor, without the joys of a new child. People talk of miscarriages often, but no one told me it was going to be so ugly. When they finally confirmed that I had indeed miscarried, I was sent home with orders to come back in every couple of days for blood work. I wept from the pain and nausea and the mourning of a life lost.

I'm writing this, not for you to feel sorry for me or to generate blog views, but to share my experience with you so you can be a help and comfort to someone else who may be experiencing this type of loss. It's fresh on my mind because the choir is singing "Bow the Knee" this Sunday and it's been almost seven years exactly since we lost our baby.

DON'T compare your experience to hers

As humans, we think of ourselves, first and foremost. I can guarantee that right now, she doesn't care what your miscarriage was like, how many you've had or how far along you were. Don't put the onus of being sympathetic and polite on someone who is grieving the loss of their child. Just say something like, "I understand and I'm here for you," and leave it at that.

DON'T try to rationalize it or find some logic or higher meaning

Yes, miscarriages are fairly common. Yes, there was probably something wrong with the baby. Yes, it's the body's way of eliminating a pregnancy that isn't viable. Yes, someday this may help someone else who has suffered a miscarriage. But right now, she doesn't want to hear any of that.

DON'T feel like you need to say anything

So often we don't know what to say when someone is hurting, so we just blurt out something to fill the silence. And more often than not, we say something stupid. I'll never forget one well-intentioned lady telling me that we already had an autistic child, so we should be thankful that we didn't have another unhealthy baby to have to raise. That doesn't help an aching heart, that just brings the roiling emotions and rapidly depleting pregnancy hormones to the surface and may permanently damage a relationship. If you must say something, tell them you love them and give them a hug. The end.

DON'T forget about Dad

More than one person lost a child. While an expectant mother has a physical connection to a life growing inside her, that expectant father is already day-dreaming about teaching his new son to play catch or wondering if his little girl will look like her mother. When offering your condolences or trying to help out, remember to include Dad.

DO offer to help in specific, measurable ways

It's great if you say, "If there's anything I can do, just let me know." But everyone knows that most people will never ask for help. Instead, bring a meal or two over so there's one less thing to worry about at home. Take older siblings out for the day so Mom can sit in her room and cry without worrying about concerning the other kids. Drive her to the doctor's office so she doesn't have to sit alone while they poke and prod, reminding her yet again that the pregnancy is over.

DO offer a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen

Not everyone grieves the same way. I am not really a "sit and cry with a friend" kind of person, but there are plenty of people who are. You know your friend, sister, cousin better than I do. What do you think they would prefer?

DO remain aware of significant dates

As time passes, everyone else will forget, but that expectant mother and father certainly won't. I was very grateful to be pregnant again and expecting our Henry when the due date for our baby in Heaven rolled around. I'm sure not another soul on earth thought about it, but the week that we should have been welcoming a child into our family was very hard for me. I'm so thankful God blessed us with a healthy distraction, but that is not the case with everyone. The other date is the day the baby woke up in Heaven. Time may lessen and dull the pain so that it's not a raw, open sore anymore, but those parents will never forget. A well-timed word or card around that first anniversary would probably be a welcome encouragement.

DO encourage a way to memorialize the baby

This also falls under the "everyone grieves differently" clause. We didn't have a formal ceremony or anything, but I do know people who have done that. For us, I just wanted a way to remember our baby with love and let him or her know that we didn't forget that short life. The first Christmas after my miscarriage, we were in a specialty store and I found the perfect Christmas ornament. It was a baby with wings and the name on the box was "Love." The year is marked on it and everything. That ornament is as precious to me as all of our other "baby's first Christmas" ornaments. Every year, I hang it on the tree and think of our baby up in Heaven. I love that it's associated with Christmas, which is a bright and happy time, full of family and love.

I don't have to understand loss and pain, I just have to accept it. I trust my Heavenly Father and I know that He knows what's best for us. That's what faith is all about. But navigating the tricky waters of pregnancy and loss can be difficult at times. I hope this helps you understand how to be a blessing to someone, or encourages you to remember your own babies with love. I don't dwell on the sadness and loss, I choose to say, like David, " ... wherefore should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me."

The post Miscarriage: The do’s and don’ts of dealing with loss appeared first on FamilyToday.