If you have ever said those words, then it's obvious that you weren't being a very good listener. But being a good listener is more than just hearing when someone speaks. You have to try to understand the meaning and intent behind what is said. Being a good listener will improve your personal and professional relationships, help you to achieve your goals, and put you on the road to becoming the type of all-around good person that people like.

So, how do you become a good listener? Well, you can start by asking good questions. Human beings are incredibly complex social animals; what you see on the surface isn't even close to what is out of sight. The trick to listening well is looking past the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

Let's say for example you ask your co-worker Larry, How do you think that meeting went? and his reply is, I wish team meetings weren't such a waste of time.What do you do? Do you think to yourself that Larry has a bad attitude? Maybe Larry needs to learn to work better with the team. Now you're annoyed. Which leads you to say to him, Well, maybe if you paid more attention and contributed every once in a while, then they wouldn't be such a waste of time. You can see where that conversation will go.

A better direction would be to ask Larry some follow-up questions to dig down deeper into the meaning of his first statement.

You: Why do you think the meeting is a waste of time, Larry?

Larry: Well, Linda and Joe are always opposing each other. It doesn't matter what one will say, the other will automatically take the opposite viewpoint. It's awkward and it makes everyone uncomfortable. Plus there is a lot of time spent trying to get the two to stop bickering.

You: Hmm, that's really interesting. What do you think we can do to make the meeting better?

Larry: Maybe we could set up a ground rule where everyone can say their viewpoint without interruption. Or maybe someone can talk to Joe and Linda separately to see if there is some underlying problem that needs to be resolved. Setting up a time limit for the meeting so we can cut through the unnecessary chatter might help too.

If you spend a little time listening to what is really being said instead of simply reacting, you find that Larry has some legitimate concerns and some possible solutions to the problem. It takes patience to truly listen. Larry feels like he's being heard and someone is taking him seriously and you have some ideas to help solve a problem. It's a win/win situation.

The other day, my teenage daughter was late for school. Before running out the door, she made herself breakfast and a packed lunch. While she made sure to bring her with lunch to school, she left behind a mess of epic proportions. This is very uncharacteristic of her and it bothered me enough that I called her on the phone. She told me that she was in a hurry and she didn't have time to clean up the kitchen. I stayed calm and didn't get angry. A few hours later, I received a very sweet and apologetic text message from her. When she came home that evening, we used what had happened as a starting point to have a more meaningful conversation, and were able to talk about how she was really feeling. She was stressed because school had just started and her schedule was so heavy. If I had chosen to stay on the surface of the problem (a fantastically messy kitchen), we probably would have both felt bad about the situation and maybe some hard feelings would have developed between us. But because I was patient and willing to see if there was something else underneath the surface, my daughter felt loved and understood by her father and our relationship was strengthened.

In order to be a better listener, it's important to get past the superficial layer and be willing to dig down deeper to more meaningful dialogue. It takes courage to ask hard and emotional questions but if you really respect that person, then you'll be able to get through it. Be an active listener. Don't jump to conclusions; be patient and gentle and go beneath the surface to find what is really there.

Eli Manning, quarterback for the New York Giants, was once asked by a journalist what he felt was the foundation of his success. He answered that his love for his teammates was the thing that really made a difference. His response does not only apply to athletic situations. If your teammate's trust and respect you, you will be much more successful in your ventures. When you listen, listen. Being a good listener is a situation where both sides benefit. Now get out there and have a good conversation.

The post Are you a good listener? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Little girls are funny creatures. Believe me, I know. I coach my daughter's soccer team. While it is really fun to watch these nine-year-olds learn the fundamentals of soccer, I have noticed that some methods work better than others.

Sometimes it is easier to tell them what they shouldn't do rather than lecture them about the finer points of technique. (Plus, the girls seem to really enjoy watching me act out the mistakes.)

Married couples, in some ways, are like 9-year-old girls learning to play soccer. They need to learn the fundamentals and use them in a way that will make their team, or marriage, win. They need to work together, and just as importantly, they need to have a good time while doing it.

Today, I am not going walk through the steps of how to create a winning marriage. (I will leave that to the experts.) Instead, I am going to discuss the things you should do if you want to mess it all up. I speak from experience, because I have done some, if not all, of these things on occasion.

Do it your way

They say that there's more than one way to skin a cat, but your way is the best. You've made it through life fairly well. You have great kids, an amazing wife, and a good career. Obviously, you know what you're doing.

When your spouse suggests that you take a marriage workshop together, she obviously isn't taking into account who she is talking to. Being the fairly intelligent person you are, you can figure things out on your own.

You don't need some schmuck with a soft voice and expressive eyes to tell you how to treat your wife. You didn't get the big account at work by listening to 15 other people; you just did what you had to do.

Don't listen to what anyone has to say

Listening to others takes time. Sometimes when you look at your spouse, you can see their lips moving, but you're not entirely sure they are even speaking English.

What did she say about helping put the kids to bed? Did she say something about the 4-year-old punching the 6-year-old? Why is she still in her pajamas? And why are they covered with spaghetti sauce stains? She really needs to do something else with her hair other than pulling it back.

You've had a really bad day at work, and you're physically and emotionally tired. Hey, at least you didn't tell her to make you a sandwich. You yell at the kids from the couch to get ready for bed and to listen to their mom. There, mischief managed. Score one for Super Dad.

Save the together time for big events

Sometimes you need to do something extravagant to show how you feel. But let's face it, it takes a lot of energy, time and money to carry it out. You took her to Greece for your 20th anniversary, and she loved it. That week will go down as one of the most romantic and memorable in the history of your marriage.

But you can't go out with her every Friday, especially this month; the World Series is going on! You spent time together when you went on that picnic with the whole family. That was a great day!

Okay, so maybe you didn't really talk to your wife much that day, but you smiled at each other a lot. Of course you love your wife, you married her right? She knows how you feel about her. You tell her on Valentine's day!

Keep it all in

Showing your emotions is a sign of weakness. You're beat: They announced another round of lay-offs at your company. You're oldest son is in danger of not graduating high school, because he hasn't taken enough P.E. classes. You're wife looks tired and defeated. Should you talk to her about it? No! Go make some popcorn, and you two can watch reruns together. It's best not to burden each other with worries. Keep it light and easy.

If you do all of these things and more, you will be sure to mess up your marriage big time. Remember, if you make it all about how you are feeling, and how everything relates to you, you will be sure to make an empty wasteland out of the thing you call your marriage.

The post How to thoroughly screw up your marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.