Kelsey Borresen – FamilyToday

What Non-Monogamy Actually is (and isn’t), According to Non-Monogamous People

Leigh Pizzutilla — Mon, 11 Sep 2023 14:03:42 +0000

Non-monogamy has been practiced in some circles for a long time, but recently, there’s been more curiosity about the topic.

According to Google data, the term “ethical non-monogamy” has seen more than a 250% increase in search traffic over the past year. A 2020 YouGov poll of 1,300 U.S. adults found that a third of respondents say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to a degree. And more than 20% of single Americans have engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives, per a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.

“It’s not just a new fad,” polyamory educator Leanne Yau told HuffPost. “People have been doing non-monogamy for a very long time. I think people are just talking about it more now.”

So what does it mean exactly? Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses various relationship styles that are not sexually and/or romantically exclusive between two people.

Sarah Stroh, a non-monogamous writer and creator behind the @monogamish_me Instagram account, described it to HuffPost as: “Any relationship structure that is consensually and openly non-monogamous, meaning either — or more likely both — partners in a couple have romantic and/or sexual contact with people other than each other.”

You may have come across the term “ethical non-monogamy,” sometimes referred to as “ENM.” The word “ethical” has been used to differentiate these kinds of relationships — where all parties have talked about and agreed to the arrangement — from ones where cheating is happening.

But some experts take issue with the term, said Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and sex expert for Archer, a new dating app for queer men. In his book “Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto,” he explains the pushback from researchers, educators and activists in the space about use of the word “ethical.”

“They don’t like the term ‘ethical’ because it implies that non-monogamy is inherently unethical. Why else would you feel compelled to preface with ‘ethical’?” he writes in the book.

“It also holds non-monogamy to an unfair, higher standard than monogamy. Monogamous people constantly lie and cheat on their partners, and they don’t have to preface their behaviors with [being] ethical or unethical, so why do non-monogamous folks? Then, of course, many ENM relationships are not ethical. You can absolutely still be a piece of shit even when practicing ENM.”

Instead, many people prefer terms like “consensual non-monogamy” (CNM) or just “non-monogamy.”

There are four main types of non-monogamous relationships.

Some of the common relationship structures that fall under the non-monogamous umbrella include monogamish, swinging, open relationships and polyamory.

“Things can be very fluid between them, but broadly, I see them falling into four types,” Yau said.

Monogamish is a term that was coined by sex and relationships writer and podcast host Dan Savage, and refers to a predominantly monogamous relationship in which “sexual activity outside the relationship is seen as the exception rather than the norm,” Yau said.

“So, that might look like having a threesome on special occasions, or occasionally going to a sex party. Or if there’s a kink that you want to explore, telling your partner and then finding someone to indulge that with,” she explained.

Swinging is when couples have sexual experiences with multiple partners, typically (but not always) as a unit. It often involves swapping partners or engaging in group sex, among other types of sexual play.

“Swinging is something that couples do together, as in they sleep with other people together, and they engage with other singles and/or couples. So that might look like threesomes, foursomes, orgies, sex parties, that kind of thing,” said Yau, noting that the term “swinger” has fallen out of favor to a degree. Some people, especially those in younger generations, may prefer to say they’re part of “the lifestyle” instead.

An open relationship is typically one that is sexually non-monogamous, but romantically monogamous. (Previously, however, people used the term as a catch-all to describe any non-monogamous relationship, Yau noted.)

“So when someone says that they are in an open relationship, I take that to mean that they are only romantically dating one person, but both of them can have casual sex with other people, either separately or together, on the side,” Yau said.

Polyamory is the only form of non-monogamy “where you not only have sexual non-exclusivity, but also romantic non-exclusivity,” Yau said. In other words, you’re part of multiple loving relationships at the same time. This stands in contrast to the other non-monogamous relationships described above in which everything outside of the primary relationship is “kept strictly sexual or casual, however you define that,” Yau explained.

While there still may be some hierarchy within certain polyamorous relationships, “it’s the one type where there isn’t necessarily a focus on a primary romantic relationship,” Yau said.

Many common assumptions about non-monogamy aren’t true.

Non-monogamy may be gaining traction but is still very much at odds with our monogamous cultural norms. Stigma and misunderstandings about these types of relationships persist. One common misconception: Non-monogamous relationships aren’t serious or lasting.

“My partner of over three years and I are non-monogamous and expecting a child in January,” Stroh said. “Non-monogamy is not just a phase or a structure for people who want something casual.”

Zane echoed a similar sentiment: “There’s this notion that ENM, specifically polyamory, isn’t sustainable long-term, meaning eventually, you and your partner(s) will break up,” he said. “Needless to say, that isn’t the case. There are poly folks who’ve been with their partners for decades.”

Some people mistakenly believe non-monogamy is cheating, which it's not. In non-monogamous relationships, everyone should be aware, engaged and “enthusiastically participating,” Yau said. Honest communication, established guidelines and recurring check-ins are foundational here, just as they are in any healthy relationship.

“Non-monogamous relationships, just like monogamous relationships, require that everyone be aware and consenting,” Yau said. “It’s not the same as going behind someone else’s back and just kind of doing your own thing and having multiple partners without anyone knowing.”

Another common misconception is that non-monogamy is just a last-ditch effort for couples trying to save their marriage.

“Of course, there are some folks who do attempt ENM as their relationship is failing, and the vast majority of the time, it does not save the relationship,” Zane said. “But that’s not the majority of folks who are ENM.”

In fact, if your relationship is in a bad place, introducing non-monogamy is probably only going to make matters worse, Yau said.

“Because non-monogamy requires quite a lot of security and confidence and trust in your partner in order to engage with it in a sustainable and healthy way,” she said. “A relationship that is on its way towards ending anyway is probably not going to be the best fit for that.”

Monogamous people may also assume that non-monogamous people are just inherently less jealous, which isn’t necessarily true.

“Non-monogamous folks are still human,” Zane said. “We still get jealous. We just — hopefully — address it better. Instead of lashing out at our partners, we admit that we’re feeling jealous and insecure, attempt to figure out the root of the jealousy and work together to find a solution.”

There also tends to be this assumption that at least one person in a non-monogamous relationship is being pushed into it against their will.

“Meaning, one partner would prefer to be monogamous but ‘can’t get their partner to commit to them,’” Stroh said. “Of course, these things are true sometimes for people who claim they are polyamorous, but it’s often not the case.”

This perception that one partner is being dragged into it and crying themselves to sleep every night is “really unfair,” Yau said.

“It portrays non-monogamous people as being selfish or toxic or abusive when we’re not interested in dating monogamous people, for the most part,” Yau said. “We want other people who fully accept and validate us and our desires.”

This article originally appeared on www.huffpost.com.

The post What Non-Monogamy Actually is (and isn’t), According to Non-Monogamous People appeared first on FamilyToday.

Want to Get A Divorce? Here’s What to Do First, According to Lawyers

Leigh Pizzutilla — Wed, 09 Nov 2022 16:37:54 +0000

Making the decision to divorce is huge, but it’s only the beginning of what can be a draining process, both emotionally and financially — especially if you’re not prepared.

Once you’ve come to your decision, you may wonder — where do I even go from here? We asked divorce attorneys who have guided clients through this many times before what steps to take first. Here’s what they said.

1. Do your research on divorce lawyers and ask for referrals.

Take some time to research attorneys in your area. Solicit recommendations from trusted people in your circle. You can also contact any respected attorney, even if they don’t practice divorce, and ask them for their recommendations, suggested Atlanta divorce lawyer Randy Kessler — author of “Divorce: Protect Yourself, Your Kids And Your Future” — suggested.

Be thoughtful and selective during this process.

“Do not just hire any family attorney or the first person you Google,” Lauren Lake, family attorney and judge on “Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court,” told HuffPost. “You must do your research, set up initial consultations, and see if their style of representation is a good fit for you.”

You want to find a lawyer who is willing to walk and talk you through every step and represents your interests well, Lake added.

“Always remember the lawyer works for you, not the other way around,” she said.

2. Consider your specific needs and circumstances.

When receiving lawyer recommendations from friends and family, it’s important to keep in mind why that person is suggesting this particular attorney, New York divorce lawyer Dana Stutman said.

“Be aware that every divorce is different and every person going through divorce has different needs,” she said. “Make sure your needs drive your decision.”

To help guide your search, ask yourself a few questions:

Do you want the divorce process to be amicable? Or do you want a lawyer who is going to “fight” and stand up for you against your spouse?
Is cost a driving factor?
Do you want the divorce to proceed quickly? Or do you want more time to process the decision?

3. Set up a few initial consultations.

Don’t be afraid to shop around. Try to meet with a few different lawyers before choosing one.

“I suggest meeting at least three different attorneys to compare different personalities and focus,” Stutman said. “There may be a fee, but it is a worthwhile investment. Be prepared with questions, and find someone who is the right fit for your needs and budget.”

Be transparent with your attorney during this meeting. New York divorce and family law attorney Daniel Clement advised to candidly discuss all of the relevant facts of your case: “both the facts in your favor and the ones that may actually hurt you.”

4. Gather all of your and your spouse’s financial documents.

Before initiating a divorce, you want to have a clear picture of your marital finances. It’s best to do this ASAP because once the word “divorce” is mentioned, “important documents often ‘go missing,’” Chicago divorce coach and attorney Karen Covy told HuffPost.

“That’s why it’s important to take the time to gather information as soon as you can, rather than waiting,” she said.

At a minimum, Clement recommended you should secure copies of the following:

Several years of your tax returns
Checking and savings account statements
Records of all investment accounts and retirement accounts
Mortgage statements
If you or your spouse operate a business, secure copies of the business records
Inventory of your valuable personal property, like artwork and cars
Inventory of the contents of any safe deposit boxes
Credit card bills

Stutman recommends pulling financial documents from the past three to five years.

You’ll also want to have a “firm understanding of your family’s budget and the costs of maintaining your household,” Clement added.

5. Then, make copies of these documents and put them in a safe place.

After you have gathered this data, make sure you store the copies in a secure location — like your new lawyer’s office, Boston divorce attorney CiCi Van Tine suggested.

“You need copies of all of the financial documentation not only to provide you with present value information, but also to provide insight into whether there are other assets, etc., you might not be aware of,” Van Tine said.

“This will also help determine if your spouse has engaged in financial shenanigans — such as trying to hide money — in the years leading up to your decision to divorce,” she said. “Even if nothing nefarious has taken place, you can only ensure a fair and equitable contract if you have a clear understanding of the family finances.”

6. Educate yourself on the divorce process.

Divorce is complicated and it doesn’t work the way people often assume it does, Covy said.

“If you want to give yourself the best chance to create the outcome you want, while limiting the damage that divorce can do to your family and your finances, you must understand how it really works.” she said. “That means taking the time to educate yourself about the divorce process.”

7. Take care of yourself emotionally.

Divorce requires you to make a ton of other major life decisions. And you can’t make sound choices when “your head is in a fog, and you’re an emotional wreck,” Covy said.

That’s why it’s crucial to work through your feelings — not stuff them down or let them get the best of you.

“Get a therapist. Keep a journal. Do whatever it takes to manage your inner game,” she said.

Lake also recommended speaking to a mental health professional — and suggested doing so before you make the decision to split up.

“Marriages have stalling points but that doesn’t mean the relationship can’t be salvaged or the marriage saved,” she said. “Make sure you really want a divorce and aren’t just acting out of anger, frustration or emotion. A licensed therapist can help you sort through your issues and remain impartial. Friends and family will often be biased and you may be unwilling or unable to share the whole truth and nothing but the truth with them.”

8. Let critical thinking guide your decisions, not your emotions.

“Often, and especially when divorce is foisted upon us, emotion kicks in and a gut response becomes the decision maker,” Stutman said. “We’ve all heard the saying, ‘Never make a decision when you’re mad,’ and that especially applies to your divorce process.”

New York attorney Katherine Eisold Miller and host of the “Divorce Dialogues” podcast also underscored the importance of not making rash decisions in the heat of an argument. You may say something you don’t mean that ends up having serious consequences.

“For example, threatening to take the kids and move across the country in the middle of a fight might trigger your soon-to-be ex to file an emergency custody proceeding,” she said.

9. Change your passwords.

Stutman suggested updating your passwords before the divorce is underway. But one caveat: You should only change them for your own personal accounts and devices, not for ones you share with your spouse (unless advised by your lawyer).

Change your email password first since that’s linked to your other accounts, attorney Molly B. Kenny wrote in a blog post.

“If your spouse can log in to your email, he or she will be able to snoop around and get any emails you receive about new login credentials,” she wrote.

Then consider changing other passwords, like those for your individual bank accounts, credit cards, laptop, cellphone and social media accounts, among others.

10. Pad your savings account, if you can.

If you’re able to, set aside some money for a “rainy day” fund. Ideally, you’d want to have enough to cover at least a few months of expenses “in case your spouse cuts you off out of anger when you file,” Kessler said.

11. Be cordial to your spouse.

They may not deserve your kindness, but treat them kindly anyway.

“Even if it is not deserved, keep your head high and act honorably — it will be worth it,” said Kessler. “Even if all else goes wrong, there can be peace of mind knowing you acted honorably.”

This article originally appeared on huffpost.com.

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7 Signs Your Partner is Losing Interest, According to Therapists

Rachel Dewing — Wed, 04 May 2022 19:46:00 +0000

When you sense that your significant other is pulling away from you in a relationship, that distance can be painful and can ignite some deep-seated fears and insecurities.

Maybe you just have a feeling that something is “off” with your partner. Maybe you’ve noticed that the energy between you two has shifted ― and not for the better.

“If your partner is physical with you, but you have the feeling that he or she is mentally or emotionally 100 miles away or feels walled off and you can’t quite make contact, they may be energetically closed off to you,” marriage and family therapist Lynsie Seely told HuffPost. “We tend to close off as a defense mechanism when we don’t know how to communicate what we’re feeling but need to stay engaged in the situation.”

If you observe this happening in your relationship, try not to jump to conclusions about what’s causing the distance. Instead, it’s best to broach the subject with your partner and ask what’s been on their mind, Seely said.

“It could be that your partner is losing interest and doesn’t know how to communicate that with you,” she said. “There are other reasons your S.O. may feel the need to close up, so it’s best not to assume anything here. A compassionate conversation to explore how your partner is feeling is a good first step.”

Besides that unsettling gut feeling, what are some of the other indications your partner might be losing interest? We asked therapists to share some of the signs so you know what to look out for.

1. They’ve stopped asking questions about the little things.

Couples in healthy relationships take a genuine interest in each other’s lives ― not just when it comes to the major things, but also the smaller, everyday things. For example, a partner who is engaged in the relationship knows you have a nerve-racking work meeting on Wednesday morning and will text you at lunchtime to ask how it went. A partner who has checked out might not remember or even care enough to ask.

“As couples ‘tune out’ of their partner or the relationship, they stop being interested in the small things that are happening as part of each other’s day and life,” couples therapist Isiah McKimmie told HuffPost.

2. They’re unusually slow to respond to texts, emails and phone calls.

We all get busy and may be less responsive to texts depending on where we are, what we’re doing and how much we have on our plate on any given day. But if your once-responsive partner suddenly becomes difficult to reach, it could be a sign they’re distancing themselves.

“People can begin to pull away in subtle ways, so how responsive someone is to you may be an indicator that they are losing interest,” psychologist Gina Delucca said. “Common behavioral signs might be taking a long time to respond to text messages or phone calls. They might make excuses that they are ‘busy at work’ or ‘forgot’ to respond.”

Occasionally, these excuses may be valid ― and, hey, a good partner deserves the benefit of the doubt. But if very delayed response times have become the new normal, it could be a red flag.

“Let’s be honest: Most of us carry our phones with us everywhere we go, and it only takes seconds to respond to someone, no matter how busy we are,” Delucca added.

3. When you try to connect, they ignore your attempts or pull away.

There’s nothing wrong with asking for what you want in a relationship. After all, you can’t expect your partner to be a mind-reader. That said, if you feel like you’re constantly asking your S.O. for basic things like their attention and affection, and those requests are ignored, it might mean they’ve checked out of the relationship.

“If you feel like you’re having to ask (or nag) your partner for more attention, it’s likely they’re losing interest,” McKimmie said. “In healthy relationships, attempts to gain our partner’s attention, affection or support are met in positive or affirming ways. When relationships become strained, these attempts are ignored or met with negative responses.”

Another sign? Your partner doesn’t seem particularly torn up or regretful about this lack of connection.

“When a person has lost interest in the relationship, he or she does not feel sadness or grief around ‘losing’ the relationship because he or she has already processed it and let it go,” psychologist Anne Crowley said.

4. You’ve stopped arguing — and not in a good way.

If every disagreement between you and your partner seems to end in a screaming match, there may be some toxic relationship dynamics at play. But when couples fight fair (e.g. no name-calling, yelling or stonewalling), it can actually be a sign that the relationship is healthy. So when your partner doesn’t even have the will to argue anymore, it may be because they’re no longer invested in the relationship.

“While fighting may not be the most productive part of a relationship, it is energy being put into the relationship,” Crowley said. “We fight when we care, when we don’t feel heard and want to be seen. When one stops fighting, this can be a sign of lost interest in the relationship.”

Perhaps you two used to have frequent arguments about keeping the apartment tidy. Now your partner doesn’t even seem to notice, let alone mention, when your laundry basket is overflowing.

“In other words, they’re not putting in the effort to re-stabilize the relationship,” Crowley explained. “They’re OK walking away from it, even when you are wanting to keep the fight going.”

5. You rarely, if ever, touch each other anymore.

In the early stages of dating, it’s quite normal for couples to be extra affectionate with one another because of what psychologist Jamie Goldstein calls “new relationship energy” (aka NRE). Those butterflies and starry eyes might make you more inclined to hold hands in public, snuggle up on the couch or have more frequent sex.

Over time, levels of NRE are bound to dissipate some — that’s normal. But if the hugs, kisses, back rubs and sex have all but disappeared, it could be an indication that your partner is pulling away.

“As interest begins to wane, so do displays of physical affection,” Goldstein said. “If after the sparks of a shiny new partnership settle, you notice a major shift in your partner’s level of physical affection towards you, this might be an indicator of disinterest.”

6. They stop making an effort with your friends and family.

If your bonds with your friends and family are important to you, so should they be to your partner. Your partner may not be over the moon about spending yet another long weekend visiting your parents, but they’re usually happy to oblige, knowing it means a lot to you. If your partner once made an effort to connect with your loved ones but now withdraws from conversation or avoids spending time with them altogether, it could point to their apathy toward the relationship.

“Although we might not always want to spend time with them, we do because it supports our partner and the relationship,” McKimmie said. “If your partner is no longer making an effort with your friends or family, they’re not making an effort for the relationship.”

7. You no longer feel like a priority in their life.

Certain situations may demand the bulk of our attention at times ― young kids, a big work deadline, a sick family member, etc. But for the most part, you and your partner should be prioritizing each other’s needs and supporting one another above all else. If your S.O. is spending much of their time and energy on work, a new hobby or their group of friends, with no end in sight, it could be a sign they’ve checked out.

“You deserve to feel important and special in your in partner’s life,” Seely said. “If that isn’t happening, it may be time to step back to assess the relationship.”

And if you feel like you’re always the one to initiate communication and make plans to spend time together, consider that a sign, too.

“Another sign within this realm might be repeated cancellation of plans,” Delucca said. ”Relationships are more likely to be successful when there is mutual interest and equal effort put into it.”

This article originally appeared on HuffPost.com.

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7 Signs Your Partner is Losing Interest, According to Therapists

Sharon Kirk — Thu, 17 Mar 2022 12:47:58 +0000

When you sense that your significant other is pulling away from you in a relationship, that distance can be painful and can ignite some deep-seated fears and insecurities.

Maybe you just have a feeling that something is “off” with your partner. Maybe you’ve noticed that the energy between you two has shifted ― and not for the better.

Besides that unsettling gut feeling, what are some of the other indications your partner might be losing interest? We asked therapists to share some of the signs so you know what to look out for.

1. They’ve stopped asking questions about the little things.

2. They’re unusually slow to respond to texts, emails and phone calls.

Occasionally, these excuses may be valid ― and, hey, a good partner deserves the benefit of the doubt. But if very delayed response times have become the new normal, it could be a red flag.

“Let’s be honest: Most of us carry our phones with us everywhere we go, and it only takes seconds to respond to someone, no matter how busy we are,” Delucca added.

3. When you try to connect, they ignore your attempts or pull away.

Another sign? Your partner doesn’t seem particularly torn up or regretful about this lack of connection.

4. You’ve stopped arguing — and not in a good way.

Perhaps you two used to have frequent arguments about keeping the apartment tidy. Now your partner doesn’t even seem to notice, let alone mention, when your laundry basket is overflowing.

5. You rarely, if ever, touch each other anymore.

6. They stop making an effort with your friends and family.

7. You no longer feel like a priority in their life.

“You deserve to feel important and special in your in partner’s life,” Seely said. “If that isn’t happening, it may be time to step back to assess the relationship.”

And if you feel like you’re always the one to initiate communication and make plans to spend time together, consider that a sign, too.

This article originally appeared on HuffPost.com.

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How To Cope When You Find Out Your Ex Has A New Partner

Taylor Fuqua — Fri, 31 Jan 2020 16:58:13 +0000

For three years, Meaghan was in an on-again, off-again relationship with one of her best guy friends. When she accidentally got pregnant, he supported her through an abortion. Just two weeks later, though, he hooked up with one of their mutual acquaintances. Then he ghosted Meaghan.

“As you can imagine, it was pretty agonizing,” Meaghan, who asked that we withhold her last name for privacy reasons, told HuffPost.

Three months later, she found out he had gotten back together with his ex — the woman he would typically date whenever he and Meaghan were in one of their “off again” periods.

Though running back to this woman was “super in character for him,” Meaghan said she was still shocked by the news.

“I tried to tell myself that he didn’t really love her and that he just needed something comforting to go back to while he navigated a difficult and lonely time in his life,” she said. “But underneath it all, I knew it didn’t matter. I knew we had to be done and that I had some painful emotions to process.”

Over time, Meaghan said, she’s been able to move forward; she’s finally come to a place where she genuinely hopes the two of them are happy together. But as anyone who’s been in this situation knows, finding out your ex has moved on with someone else can be devastating.

“When we have given someone our heart, as well as the most intimate part of our-self, it’s excruciating to feel replaced or disregarded,” said Nashville-based psychotherapist Jeannie Ingram.

Even if you were the one to initiate the breakup and have no intentions of getting back together, watching your ex move on with another person can bring on distressing emotions.

“If you have any lingering attachment, you will have a resurgence of desire, anxiety and regret that’s often mysterious to you when you attempt to make sense of it intellectually,” said therapist Lisa Marie Bobby, author of “Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love.”

According to Bobby, one reason we may have such a hard time dealing with romantic rejection ties back to our hard-wired, evolutionary need to bond — and stay bonded — to others in order to survive.

“It’s not rational,” she said. “It’s simply a function of our monkey-mind survival drives doing their job to protect us.”

Here's how to deal if you're having a hard time.

Let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling.

Don’t beat yourself up for caring still, no matter how long it’s been since you and your ex were together.

“Even if you and your ex dated eons ago and you think you should be ‘over it,’ the waves of grief often feel fresh because, really, they are,” said San Francisco-based marriage and family therapist Lynsie Seely. “You are facing a new part of the grieving process that you haven’t had to process yet.”

Try taking some deep breaths, cry if you need to, journal your feelings or open up to a confidant.

“What you’re doing is honoring how deeply your heart loved and can love,” Seely said.

But refrain from acting on those emotions.

It’s only natural for jealousy and bitterness to crop up when you see your ex with someone new. Acknowledge those feelings, know that they’re normal and remember they will pass if you give them some time.

“Sometimes these feelings give us an urge to want to talk to our ex, criticize them and their new partner, seek revenge or try to compete with them in some way,” said Gina Delucca, a clinical psychologist in San Francisco. “While some of these actions might give you temporary relief from your feelings, they won’t help you in the long-run in terms of prioritizing yourself and moving on.”

Once you realize your ex is off the market, you may also experience a rush of desire or longing for this person, Bobby said. You may start to look back on your imperfect relationship through rose-colored glasses. But don’t get swept up in thinking these are signs you should actually get back together.

“It’s similar to having withdrawal symptoms from breaking your attachment to a substance,” said Bobby, clinical director of Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. “Just because you’re craving heroin doesn’t mean you should use it.”

Stop looking up your ex and their new S.O. on social media.

It’s tempting, we know. But obsessively checking their Instagram photos is only going to derail any progress you’ve made in moving forward.

“Doing so just keeps you preoccupied with them and it makes it easy for you to make faulty assumptions about how their life is going compared to yours,” Delucca said.

Figure out what excites you.

Now’s the time to tune into what makes you tick so you can start focusing your energy on something productive. Perhaps you can revisit an old hobby you once enjoyed or try something new entirely — anything that “conjures a sense of excitement, meaning, or passion,” as Seely put it.

“Is there a new hairstyle you’ve been thinking about, a particular style of clothing you’re attracted to, is there a destination you’ve been meaning to visit? Go for it!” she said. “The time following a breakup is so much about rediscovering who you are in this exact moment and redefining your identity as an independent person.”

Come up with your own “letting go” ritual.

“Throwing stones in the ocean to release your burden, safely burning an object that is symbolic of your relationship, imagine cutting an energetic cord that is connecting you to your ex,” Seely suggested. “Let whatever ritual you do mark the transition of an ending to a new beginning.”

Consider seeing a therapist.

If you’re really struggling or engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms, talking to a therapist about how this news has affected you can be beneficial. And even if you think you’re handling it OK, opening up to a counselor could still be useful in your healing.

“It is understandable to be sad and hurt. If it turns into depression, dysfunction, relying on alcohol or other drugs, lack of self-care, it’s time to see a professional,” Ingram said. “Talking really does help.”

This article was originally seen on Huffpost.com.

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7 Signs You’ve Raised a Spoiled Child (And What To Do About it)

Sharon Kirk — Fri, 10 Jan 2020 21:17:26 +0000

You’re standing in the checkout line at the store when your son grabs a Frozen 2 stuffed animal. “Mommy, can I get this Olaf doll? I really, really want it!”

When you tell him no, he yells “I hate you!” loud enough for everyone to hear before launching into one of his regular fits: kicking, screaming, crying. People are glaring at you, and you know what’s going through their minds: “Wow, what a spoiled brat.”

If this scene sounds familiar, you’re not alone. The spoiled child problem appears to be getting worse, too. In fact, 59% of parents think their kids are more spoiled than they were at the same age, according to a 2011 survey from Parenting and Today Moms.

We asked parenting experts to reveal the signs that you might be raising a spoiled kid. Below, they also share advice that will help you undo some of those behaviors.

What Makes a Child ‘Spoiled,’ Anyway?

A spoiled child is used to getting what they want when they want it with few exceptions.

“Every kid has an off-day —and so do adults — but spoiled kids are stuck in ‘me’ mode,” said Michele Borba, educational psychologist and author of “UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World.” “Everything revolves around their needs, concerns, feelings, wants, desires, and everyone else takes second place.”

Clinical psychologist Laura Markham takes issue with the term “spoiled” because she believes it suggests the child is somehow “ruined.” Nor does she like using the word “brat” to describe a kid. When you think about it, the harsh descriptors may be a tad unfair given that the parents (not the kids) are the ones largely responsible for the spoiled behavior.

“Children do what we train them to do, what we lead them to expect,” Markham, founder of the site Aha! Parenting, said. “If we have parented permissively and have never set limits, the child will not be used to accommodating appropriate limits.”

When parents spoil their children, their intentions are often good, albeit misguided. They indulge their kids because they want to provide them with the best life possible, giving them everything Mom and/or Dad didn’t have growing up. Some parents may worry that giving their kid a firm “no” will hurt the child’s feelings or damage their confidence. Other times, parents are just too exhausted to enforce the rules — or set any in the first place.

“It’s plain easier to give in when you’re tired,” Borba said. “We hate to say ‘no’ when we’ve been gone [at work] all day.”

Signs Your Kid Could Be Spoiled

Not sure if your kiddo fits the bill? Below are seven expert-backed signs they might be overindulged and under-disciplined.

1. When you tell them “no,” they throw a tantrum until they get their way.

All kids may express some disappointment when you tell them they can’t, for example, have pizza for dinner two nights in a row. But spoiled children have a particularly hard time taking no for an answer.

Tantrums might be developmentally appropriate for toddlers or very young kids who can’t adequately express themselves, explained marriage and family therapist LeNaya Smith Crawford . But if these meltdowns are happening all the time and don’t subside as the kid gets older, that could be an indication they’re spoiled.

“How does your kid typically respond to the word ‘no’?” Borba said. “Spoiled kids can’t handle the word. They expect to get what they want and usually do.”

2. They’re never satisfied with what they have.

Spoiled children may have all the toys and clothes in the world, but it’s never enough: They want more, more, more.

“Because they have a lot, they tend to be unappreciative and a bit greedy,” Borba said.

Instead of expressing their gratitude for what they have, they’re more focused on getting the next thing.

“They may start to say ‘thank you’ less and ‘I want’ more,” Smith Crawford said.

3. They think the world revolves around them.

Spoiled kids tend to be self-centered. They aren’t all that concerned with inconveniencing other people.

“Spoiled kids think more of themselves than of others,” Borba said. “They feel entitled and expect special favors.”

4. They demand things ASAP.

Bratty children aren’t particularly patient: When they want something, they want it now.

“It’s usually easier to give in than to postpone the child’s request,” Borba said.

5. They’re sore losers.

No kid enjoys losing — be it a board game or a tennis match — but spoiled ones may have a tougher time managing disappointment when they don’t win.

“If your child is always blaming others for poor performance, expecting to be singled out for praise for everything they do, yells at others who aren’t doing things their way and fails to give recognition when their teammates or competitors are successful, you may have a spoiled child on your hands,” therapist Virginia Williamson told Best Life.

6. They don’t give up until they get what they want.

Spoiled kids may employ manipulative tactics to get the “yes” they’re after, whether that means lying or pitting their parents against one another.

“For example, going to one parent and saying the other parent said they could have the item they desire,” Smith Crawford said.

They refuse to complete even simple tasks until you beg or bribe them.

It’s normal for kids to need some prompting to brush their teeth or clean up their toys, for example. But once a parent asks them to do something, they should listen. If your child frequently refuses to do very basic things until you plead or incentivize them with money, treats or toys, you could be setting a bad precedent.

“If you rely on bribes to motivate your child, then the next time you ask your 8-year-old to clear the dishes off the dinner table, for example, don’t be surprised if s/he asks, ‘How much are you going to pay me?’” clinical psychologist Suzanne Gelb wrote in a HuffPost blog.

Advice on How to ‘Un-spoil’ a Child

The good news is that spoiled kids are made, not born. So un-spoiling is doable. But don’t hold off on implementing these changes: The older the child, the more difficult it will be.

“Remember, there is no gene for spoiled,” Borba said. “It’s a learned behavior that can be unlearned — and the quicker, the better.”

It won’t be an easy transition for you or your kid — so be prepared for that.

Commit to modifying your indulgent ways, knowing that it’s going to be uncomfortable to stand your ground. You should anticipate resistance from your child.

“Allow them to cry and be upset,” Markham said. “Empathize, while at the same time holding your limit and the expectation that your child will be able to handle your limit.”

Get used to saying “no” without guilt.

Once you set your boundaries, you have to stick to them consistently.

“Add ‘no’ to your vocabulary and don’t feel guilty about using it with your kids,” Borba said. “Don’t let your child’s spoiled ways win. Don’t give into every issue.”

When setting limits, do so with empathy and understanding, Markham said. You don’t need to be a tyrant for these methods to be effective.

“Remember that children accept limits more gracefully if they feel warmly connected to the parent,” she said.

Emphasize that giving is better than receiving.

“And start boosting the concept that who you are is more important than what you own,” Borba said.

Practice gratitude as a family.

At the dinner table or before bedtime, Smith Crawford recommends spending a few minutes giving thanks for the non-material things in your lives.

“As a family, go around in a circle and name intangible things you are grateful for and one experience that day you were grateful for,” she said. “This is a great way to begin to teach gratitude and honoring the good in each day.”

Teach them to be considerate of others.

When everything in your child’s life is “me, me, me,” shift the focus to “we.”

“Look for those everyday moments to do so,” Borba said. “Like, ‘Let’s ask Alice what she would like to do;’ ‘How do you think Daddy feels?’ ‘Ask your friend what he would like to play’ or ‘Let’s go volunteer at the soup kitchen.’”

Remember that kids respond best to encouragement, not punishment.

“If you want your child to meet your expectation, ask yourself what kind of support your child needs to meet that expectation,” Markham said.

Help them appreciate the little things in life.

Show them that there’s plenty of joy in the simple pleasures, like being in nature or spending quality time with family and friends.

“Finding daily time to play and connect with your children is one of the greatest things a parent can do to curb most behaviors,” Smith Crawford said.

This article originally appeared on Huffpost.com

The post 7 Signs You’ve Raised a Spoiled Child (And What To Do About it) appeared first on FamilyToday.