Editor's note: This article was originally published on Kim Blackham's blog. It has been republished here with permission.

Finding out that your spouse has a porn addiction is often devastating and overwhelming. In recent studies of wives whose husbands are addicted to porn, researchers have found that woman describe their experience in the same way women describe finding out about an affair. The deceit, betrayal, secrecy, shame, and feelings of inadequacy are the same. Because of the stigma associated with pornography, the addicts, and their spouses often suffer in silence and feel utterly hopeless and alone.

One woman has courageously shared her story of struggle as she and her husband have spent years fighting his addiction. She explained to me that she wished there was someone to have told her these things when she was going through it, and she wants to offer that support and encouragement to others.

Dearest Sister,

I'm so sorry that you're reading this letter. My heart goes out to you and your spouse. I know you and your spouse are both suffering because of an addiction to pornography. This is such a difficult and heart wrenching trial and one that I wish wasn't so prevalent today. I am not a professional counselor, and I don't claim to have all the answers. I am writing this from my own experience. I have been where you are now and my only intention is to help.

You may have just found out that your spouse has an addiction to pornography or maybe you've known for years. As I've gone down this road with my spouse the thing I wanted most was someone to talk to about it. I wanted to talk to other wives who were going through the same thing. I wanted to know how I could help myself and my husband.

I want you to know that you are not alone. There are many of us fighting this battle. I know what it's like trying to be the strong one. It's difficult putting on a happy face and pretending like everything is fine, even though it's not. This secret of your spouse's addiction can weigh heavily on you.

In the beginning when I found out about my husband's addiction I was shocked. I thought maybe his addiction wasn't as bad. I thought, "It will be OK, we can work though this and it will be gone." I had no idea the pain and suffering we were going to go through, both as a couple and on a personal level. I don't tell you this to take away your hope, I tell you this because this addiction is not easy.

I still wanted to be a good mother and wife. I wanted to be supportive and understanding to my husband and all that he was going through, but it was difficult. I often felt like I was the one holding the family together. This addiction not only consumed his thoughts, it consumed mine. It was very emotionally and physically draining. I had to take things one day at a time. I had good days and bad days. I prayed a lot, and cried a lot.

I have experienced anger, frustration, sadness, and even hopelessness. I didn't understand why my spouse couldn't control himself better. I felt like if he really loved me, he would stop doing this. I became extremely self-conscious about my outward appearance and thought maybe I wasn't attractive enough for him. I started to wonder if there really was a way to beat this addiction. I'm sure you've felt one or more of these emotions too.

Let me share a big secret with you. THIS ADDICTION IS NOT YOUR FAULT! It has nothing to do with your appearance. It has nothing to do with you not being the woman he wants. This addiction is not about you. Your spouse LOVES you and wishes he could stop putting you through this. He's ashamed and often doesn't feel worthy to be with you and the family. He may be withdrawn from life in general, feeling completely lost.

Be sensitive and careful about how you react to your spouse's addiction. If you verbally get angry with him, if you put him down, if you're not supportive of him, you're feeding this addiction. It took me a long time to realize I was feeding the addiction by choosing to feel sad or angry. I played the role of a victim well. Sometimes I wanted my spouse to see how hurt I was. I wanted him to see how much I missed the "real" him. This behavior won't help either of you, and it will not fix the problem. It will only make it worse. Please don't feel like you need to discipline your husband. I know you want to help him and you want there to be change. This can only happen through your patience, love, and support. Your husband is still a good man, he's just suffering from an addiction. Don't give the addiction more attention than it needs. Focus on who your husband really is and help him look past this addiction. I know this is a very difficult trial for both of you, but you can get through it.

Something important that I've learned about this addiction is there is no black and white thinking. Your spouse will not be able to overcome pornography cold turkey. He will have relapses, but these are a part of recovery. These lapses will become fewer and farther between as things get better. I know this is difficult because you want your husband to stop right now, but that's not the way this addiction works. Don't let the little bumps in the road become boulders. Work through these lapses and move forward.

The feelings of anger, frustration, and hopelessness that you're experiencing are real, but they all come from the adversary. The adversary knows this addiction hurts. He wants you to feel insecure. This addiction can break up marriages and families. Don't let the negative feelings consume you. As difficult as it may be, get down on your knees and pray for help. Pray for angels to be with you and your spouse during these difficult times. I promise as you do this, the angels will come.

This addiction has really tested my faith. I had no doubt that Heavenly Father still loved me, but I didn't understand why we both had to go through so much pain. I wanted so badly for things to get better. As time went by I wondered if we would ever beat this. I'm here to tell you things can change and get better. You can find peace and happiness. This is a battle worth fighting.

I know there isn't one answer or one solution that will work for everyone, otherwise this addiction wouldn't be so difficult to overcome. I can only tell you what helped me, and in turn, helped my husband.

For a long time I didn't tell anyone, but after much thought and prayer I told my family and a few of my closer friends which helped a lot. Just be selective if you choose to tell someone. You want someone who will be supportive of both you and your spouse.

I sought advice and help from my church leaders, professional counselors, and a life coach. I started to focus on myself instead of my spouse's addiction. I read a book called "The Best Year of Your Life." I made goals and followed through on those goals. I made time for myself. I tried to better myself physically and spiritually.

One of the things that was difficult but helped me a lot was to keep a gratitude journal. Each day I would write down three things I was grateful for. Realizing that I still had so much to be grateful for helped me and softened my heart. I started to focus on the positive instead of the negative. I verbally told my spouse "Thank you" for all the things that he was doing for me and for our family. I was quicker to give compliments. I allowed myself to open up my heart and completely love him again.

I stopped letting the addiction consume my thoughts. The less I thought about the addiction, the less power it had over me. I became a happier person in general. I started to realize that even though we had to work through this horrible addiction, I didn't have to be miserable all the time. I became more and more hopeful and knew that somehow the Lord would help us through this. I knew my sweetheart was in there somewhere and we just needed to work together to get through this.

I noticed as I started to slowly change, my spouse also started to slowly change. We started to reconnect and we started to work together. Instead of taking this personally, I felt like I had the power to help him. I knew we would make it. I wasn't about to let this addiction tear our eternal family apart.

As I continued on this new path of gratitude, compassion, and love, I truly changed. I received an even greater testimony of the Atonement as the Lord took away my pain, my hurt, and my suffering. I was left with renewed hope about the future and a perfect love for my husband. I knew with the Lord's help everything would be OK. My husband and I have grown so much closer as we've worked through this addiction together. We realized that if we could get through this addiction, we could get through almost anything.

This has not been an easy or fast road. There have been many bumps along the way, but together we beat this horrible addiction. I have my husband back, and we're both stronger from going through this together. In the beginning we didn't think this was possible, but it is. Don't give up!

Here's a quick summary of the things I've learned:

• Remember this addiction is not about you, and it's not your fault.

• Be sensitive about how you react/respond to your husband's addiction.

• Lapses are a part of recovery.

• Don't let this addiction consume your thoughts.

• Focus on the positive.

• Pray for angels, they will come.

• Find someone to talk to, but be selective in who you confide in.

• Keep a gratitude journal.

• Focus on you, set goals, and find things that make you happy and allow you to have the spirit.

• Give your pain and struggles to the Lord. He will lift your burdens.

• Don't give up!

My hope in writing this letter is to bring hope, comfort, and maybe some understanding to the addiction of pornography. The Lord loves you, and He loves your spouse. With His help, you can get through this together. You're going to make it!

With much love,

Your Fellow Sister

The post When your spouse is addicted to porn appeared first on FamilyToday.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Kim Blackham's blog. It has been republished here with permission.

Have you ever wondered what the most effective way to ruin a relationship would be? Below are nine simple and surefire ways to sabotage yours.

1. Criticize your partner, point out all his or her flaws, and demand that he or she fix them.

This kind of interaction will certainly help things fall apart quickly. The meaner and more cutting your tone, the better. And don't forget facial expressions. Make sure they are condescending and clearly communicate your disapproval.

2. Ignore your partner, shut him or her out, appear emotionless and totally unresponsive.

If you want to get the fights going and increase the fear and panic in your partner, this is the way to go. Talk logically and reasonably, and make sure to stick to the facts. Facts really don't matter in relationships as much as the connection, so if you stick to the facts, you are sure to back the relationship into a corner where it can begin to deteriorate.

3. Involve as many other people as possible - friends, family, church members, co-workers, etc.

The more you can talk negatively about your partner, the more damage you can inflict. As soon as everyone around you starts forming an opinion - based only on your side of the story of course, the more you can feel justified in your negative emotions and eventual decision to end the relationship.

4. Ignore any thoughts or concerns that your behavior actually impacts the other person

As long as you can stay focused on how the other person impacts you, and refuse to consider that you may impact him or her as well, negativity and resentment can thrive. If ending the relationship - or at least living in distress is your goal, it is imperative that you keep out the softness and understanding that comes from realizing you impact the dynamics of the relationship too. If you ever feel inclined to consider your role in things, quickly squelch those thoughts with memories of how the other person has wronged you.

5. Compare your partner to previous partners or your relationship together to relationships of other people around you.

Make sure and point out all the ways your partner falls short of the comparison. This is generally done best is snide, passive aggressive comments.

6. Spend time with other people of the opposite sex

Build friendships and emotional bonds with someone other than your spouse. You are lonely. You need to feel adequate and important again. Rather than turning to your partner and working to solidify the connection between you so that he or she can be your safe place, turn to someone else. Repeat often the phrase, "This is innocent. There is nothing wrong with me having a friend. It's not like we are doing anything wrong."

7. Focus only on sex

Believe the oft repeated lie that sex is the only part of a relationship that matters. At all costs, ignore the research that explicitly points out that pornography - on any level - is destructive. Convince yourself that since it is so widely availability and virtually anonymous, that it really doesn't hurt anyone and no one even needs to know.

8. Downplay any of your partner's accomplishments and achievements

Even though your partner needs your approval more than anything, you don't want your partner thinking he or she is doing a good job. That will only lead to a sense of safety and the idea that you care.

9. Most importantly, read all the contradicting pop relationship advice that you can find.

Whatever you do, do not focus on well researched and proven methods for improving relationships. Science has uncovered the way to have secure, loving relationships. It is not only possible, but also easier than most people imagine. Make sure you stay away from any hint or suggestion that relationships can thrive. Even the tiniest amount of hope is enough to keep you from living in distress or ending the relationship in despair.

The post 9 surefire ways to sabotage your relationship appeared first on FamilyToday.

It can be difficult to help children learn empathy. It is not something they will pick up on without any guidance - especially in the self-focused society we live in.

The following exercises are not only fun, but also effective in helping children become more empathic.

I Wonder

Go to a public location where you can sit and watch other people coming and going - i.e. airport, mall, park, fair, sporting event, etc.

Find a place to sit that is in an area of moderately heavy traffic. You want it to be busy but not crowded. Then start asking questions.

• What do you notice about these people?

• Where do you think they are going?

• Can you pick out a particular person? Tell me about them? Who are they with? Why are they here?

At this point, you might get a little push back with the child saying, "I don't know." That's OK. Encourage them to imagine who the person they see might be. Acknowledge that of course they don't know for sure, but based on what they see, what story can they imagine.

• Look at their faces.

• What do you see?

• Do they look happy or sad?

• What kind of food do you think they like?

• Do you think that little boy plays any sports? What sport do you think he likes best?

With older children, you can begin asking about more specific emotions.

• Is it really sadness you see, or something else?

• Could it be that mother is not really angry at her children, she is just overwhelmed?

• Can you see how hard it is for her to juggle those five children by herself?

• How might she feel being in public with her kids acting out?

• Is that child really just happy to be getting an ice cream cone, or is she also eager or excited?

With children, I like to use this sheet of emotions words with faces to help expand them out of "happy" and "sad." It is beneficial to read it with them first and even to demonstrate those emotions on your own face, so they become familiar with them.

One way I assist them to find a point of reference is by asking how they would feel in that situation.

• That little boy looks like he is with his grandmother. How do you feel when you are with your grandma?

• Do you think that little boy feels happy like you would feel?

• When you are with grandma, do you feel loved? Yeah! When we feel loved, we often feel happy, don't we?

You can also play this game with books and movies.

I believe that reading classic literature is an excellent way to increase emotional intelligence - specifically empathy. As we read, we enter the experience of another person and realize it is not that different from our own.

Reading together allows you to stop and discuss the characters and experiences. As you read together, encourage them to relate to the characters:

• Have you ever felt embarrassed like that?

• How frightening to be all alone! Can you imagine what that must have been like to be all alone? No one else there to help or support him?

Family movie night

Family movie night is another great time to teach empathy. Keep the remote close by so that you can pause it and take 30 seconds (or three minutes) to discuss what they see in the characters. While you will probably get some moans and groans at pausing the movie, this experience allows for them to see visually and emotionally experience another person's reality. Again, ask how the character would think or feel in a given situation. Ask if the child can relate to what that would be like. You can even begin to speculate how that person may respond and act based on those feelings.

Learning empathy is a lifelong process accomplished through the accumulation of moments; where we look into another's heart and willingly feel what they would feel. Children who are taught these things from a young age have higher emotional intelligence (EQ) and a significant advantage in the world.

The post Surprisingly simple ways to help children develop empathy appeared first on FamilyToday.

As the wife of a cancer surgeon, I hear about cancer cases every day. The young father who found colon cancer early and is expected to make a full recovery or the grandmother who is being treated for a tiny lump found during a routine mammogram. I also hear about the patient who has a tumor the size of a watermelon in his abdomen and is coming in for the first time. He reports it has been growing for years and causing tremendous pain, but he didn't want to worry about it. As a marriage therapist, I feel those cases are strikingly similar to the ones I see in my office.

Research indicates that on average, couples live in unhappy, distressed marriages for seven years before seeking help from a therapist. By the time they come in for therapy, both partners have spent years hurting and disconnected. For most of us, the slightest indication of cancer in our body would send us frantically for professional help. We would seek the very best treatment from the best professionals we could find. We would want to know what the research says about therapeutic options and treatment outcomes. We would seek out those who had struggled with the same thing and spend focused, dedicated effort to do everything we could to rid ourselves of that cancer and live a long and happy life.

So what causes us to delay seeking professional help when our relationships are not well? Why do we assume that we can cure ourselves or that it is not worth the time, money, or effort? If we really understood the cancer of disconnection, would we allow it to live inside of us and not seek a solution as quickly as possible?

Symptoms your relationship may have cancer

• One of you feels criticized/blamed.

• One of you feels shut out and alone.

• Attempts to resolve conflict aren't working.

• You've wondered if life could be better alone or with someone else.

• You turn to other things for comfort (i.e. friends, hobbies, food)

• There's been an unresolved injury such as affair, pornography use or lack of availability during a time of loss or need.

If you can relate to any of these symptoms, I encourage you to talk to a therapist. Don't wait until things get worse. Find the most effective treatment and make the sacrifices necessary to rid your relationship of the disease of disconnection.

If you suspect that your relationship has stage 4 cancer, and you wonder if there is any hope at all, let me reassure you that there absolutely is! I have seen many couples in my office that were there as a last ditch attempt to save their marriage, but they really didn't believe it would work. It may take a little bit longer, but I promise it is possible! Certainly it is worth trying - to know you did everything you could do.

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Each year at Christmastime, we read, watch, or talk about Charles Dickens' beloved Christmas classic, "The Christmas Carol." As with any moral story, this one can also be understood on several different levels. Indeed we understand the lesson on giving and not being miserly, but I think money has very little to do with Dickens' tale. I think the powerful parable has much more to do with empathy.

The ghost of Ebenezer Scrooge's old business partner, Jacob Marley, comes to visit him on Christmas Eve to warn him of the arrival of three spirits. Scrooge notices the heavy iron chains Marley drags around and asks him what they are. Marley explains that he is captive and bound to walk the earth seeing the suffering of other people - powerless to alleviate any of their pain. Confused, Scrooge comments on that injustice stating, "You were always a good man of business, Jacob."

"Business!" cried the Ghost, wringing its hands again. "Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop in the comprehensive ocean of my business!" "Why did I walk through crowds of fellow-beings with my eyes turned down and never raise them ... ?"

Essentially, the exercise of people watching is what Ebenezer Scrooge did that Christmas Eve.

He began to see people and situations as they really were and it changed him

As he visited scenes from his past, he remembered feeling. He saw himself as a boy, sad and alone and accessed those feelings he had long since shut off. As he revisited a Christmas with his old friends and co-workers, he remembered joy which began to soften him. And when he relived the parting scene of his former fiancé and then later observed the life he may have had with her, he again felt love, regret, and longing. Tuning into those emotions made it possible then, for him to see the present and the future through empathic eyes. Witnessing the death of Tiny Tim, Scrooge grieves with the family. Observing the apathy with which others view his own death, he weeps with shame and regret realizing their response is merely a reflection of the apathy he showed toward mankind.

Scrooge tuned into and remembered his own emotions and then allowed the circumstances of other people to access those emotions as well. In doing so, he developed empathy. And because of that empathy, his desire for connection changed, as did his character and behavior, including his willingness to help people financially.

The classic message of "A Christmas Carol" is about connection. It is about looking into the hearts of another person and experiencing their reality. That is the message of Christmas. For while we may remember the babe in the manager, it is the adult Christ, the perfect personification of empathy that we ultimately desire to emulate.

This Holiday season, regardless of whether or not you celebrate Christmas, let us all "lift our eyes" and notice the people around us. Let us look deeply into their faces and allow their experiences to access something inside of us. That is the only way to dissolve the Scrooge sections of our own hearts.

The post The Christmas Scrooge learns empathy appeared first on FamilyToday.