Depression is a challenging, sometimes debilitating mental illness, but there is hope. It's difficult to pull yourself out of depression, but following these 10 steps might make it a little easier.

1. Get some exercise

Research shows that regular exercise or physical activity is an effective anti-depressant. Dr. Michael Craig Miller says, "For some people [exercise] works as well as antidepressants, although exercise alone isn't enough for someone with severe depression."

2. Give yourself structure

Keeping a regular schedule promotes a sense of stability, predictability and consistency. Wake up, go to bed, eat your meals and go to work at the same time to start maintaining structure in your life.

3. Break large goals into smaller goals

Depression has a way of making even the simplest tasks seem overwhelming. In order to make a goal more attainable, break it up into smaller goals. For example, going to work in the morning can seem daunting to someone who has depression, so don't make that your goal.

Instead, set a goal to get in the shower by a certain time. Then make a second goal to brush your teeth. Third, get dressed. These small goals will eventually lead to the bigger goal - getting to work.

4. Maintain a healthy diet

You are what you eat. If you nourish your body, you nourish your mind. Physical health can encourage mental health and vice versa.

5. Keep a journal

It's important to process your feelings. Don't feel limited to a journal - anything can work. For some, keeping a journal is an effective way to work through thoughts and feelings. If you don't feel like you can talk to another person, you can always write about what you're feeling.

6. Channel your depression

There is a strong connection between depression and creativity. A creative outlet allows you to process your feelings. Sometimes words can't express what you're feeling, but a painting, dance routine or sculpture can.

7. Shine a light

The expression "You're as sick as your secrets" fits well with depression. Depression thrives in the dark. When you isolate yourself from others and keep your depression secret, it's easier for your depression to thrive. Break the cycle of secrets and be honest about what you are experiencing with others.

8. Find community

It's hard to overcome depression alone. Reach out to another person for support and help. This may feel uncomfortable, but staying in your comfort zone is part of the problem. Connecting with others might sound scary, but the risk is worth it.

Community provides a person with a sense of belonging, practical and emotional support, an outlet for them to vent and opportunities for the individual to support others.

9. Challenge your thinking

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a model of therapy that is highly effective in treating Major Depressive Disorder. There are many books, workbooks, articles and programs that are helpful for people with depression.

10. Consider counseling

Talking to a counselor is a great way to cope with depression. Find a counselor you're comfortable with and trust so you can talk through whatever you need to. They're there to help you, and they help people overcome depression every day.

If you have depression or think you might, it's never too late to get help. You deserve to be happy, so take these 10 steps and start your better life.

The post 10 things to do when you’re depressed appeared first on FamilyToday.

Change is inevitable. We can't avoid change as much as we may like to. Kids grow older, the job market shifts, relationships drift apart, physical health breaks down. What worked for you yesterday may not yield the same successes today. Such is life. So, what are you to do?

Accept change means loss

The first step is to face the fact that change means loss.

Think about it. When a friend moves across the country, part of you is missing. Or, let's say, you lose your job. The part of you that came into existence because of your job is gone. Maybe you're going through a divorce at the moment. That relationship, the love you had, that story ... has ended.

Every change is like a death. Obviously, every time you change you aren't physically dying. But a part of you, a piece of your life, has died.

Therefore, you're faced with the choice between two alternatives. You could wallow in grief over what you have lost, wishing what changed had never changed. Or, you could adapt and keep moving forward.

But, like I said, this latter option is a choice. It isn't something you fall into or something that just happens to you. You make the choice to move forward. You make the choice to reorient and restructure your life after the change/loss. This is important to do because the life you once had is gone. Trust me; I've seen far too many people pining and wishing for a life they no longer have. They are, effectively, living in the past.

So, what's the lesson that must be learned? How does someone move forward after change? How do you adapt?

Learn how to grieve healthily

An indispensable element of adaptation is having a healthy habit of grieving. But isn't grief sad? Isn't grief something that I should avoid? By no means! Grief is not only an indisputable reality of life but also good and healthy. There is such a thing as "good grief" (as Charlie Brown would say).

But sadly, far too many people have no concept of what healthy grief looks like. People think grief is feeling sad and eventually not feeling sad anymore. This couldn't be further from the truth. There are actually four tasks of healthy grief, as outlined in "Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Professional."

Task 1: Accept the reality of the loss

You must confront your own denial that part of your life is gone. Your life has changed, but that's okay. You can't move until you face reality.

Task 2: Experience the pain of grief

For whatever reason, we are afraid to feel in our culture. We take pills, distract ourselves with entertainment and generally avoid discomfort, but this isn't helping us. This is compounding our pain. Experience the pain of what you have lost. It is the only way for you to actualize the reality of what has happened.

Task 3: Adjust to an environment with the "deceased" missing

Life is not the same now that your marriage has ended, your friend has moved away or your work has laid you off. You must find a new normal. Don't try to recreate what you had. Take what's in front of you and work with that.

Task 4: Find an enduring connection with the "deceased" while embarking on a new life

Even though that part of you is gone and irretrievable as a result of the change, it is still part of who you are. Memories are the foundation of your identity. Cherish what you have lost while moving forward.

Notice these aren't stages implying that grief is something that you are carried through. Each task requires effort, work and engagement. You must be the driver in your grieving process. Engaging in the hard work of these four tasks allows you to move forward.

Understand moving forward isn't easy

Accepting that life is constantly changing and with those changes comes loss, allows you to process grief in a healthy way. And, as I said above, healthy grief empowers you to move forward, which is a key piece in adapting. Then, and only then, can you adjust to a new normal and continue with the stuff of life.

But too many want the moving-forward part without the hard work. That kind of "cheap" moving forward isn't really moving forward at all. It's ignoring and avoiding, which actually accomplishes the opposite of moving forward. It keeps you stuck.

"Cheap" moving forward cements you where you are. Physically you are getting older, your kids are growing up and the place you live is changing; but inside, you are still in that same place.

Moving forward isn't cheap, it will cost you something. You will have to face painful things. You'll have to accept what is no more. You will have to engage in the four tasks of grief. But, the payoff is the ability to move forward. So, you have to ask yourself: is the cost of moving forward worth it? I would argue it is.

Healthy grieving enriches you as a person. It's not easy; that's for sure. But what in life is easy? The things people cherish most are typically things that bear the greatest cost. Is the cost of healthy grieving so scary that you are willing to lose out on the benefit of moving forward?

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The answer to this problem may surprise you. The problem may not be him, but you. If you find yourself wishing your man would initiate sex more often, here's why he doesn't according to a licensed therapist and counselor.

Rejecting consistently

Men hate being repeatedly rejected when they try to be intimate. I'm not saying a guy should expect that every time he makes an offer it will be positively received - that's not realistic. But if you're consistently shooting him down, that kills desire. Being rejected hurts. It's awkward and kind of embarrassing. So, if you shoot your guy down consistently, expect him to initiate less and less.

Making false promises

Let's say your guy tries to be intimate, but you're not interested. You feel bad, so you promise to have sex later in the day or ... tomorrow or ... later in the week, but when it comes time to make good on your promise, you don't deliver. This is difficult for guys, and let me tell you why: Guys think about sex a whole lot more than women do. We like sex. We look forward to sex with our partners. If you promise to have sex with your guy, expect he's been thinking and looking forward to the fruition of that promise. When you end up turning him down again, you've just squashed hours or days of anticipation. It's kind of infuriating and shuts your guy down. If you do this, expect your guy to initiate less.

Treating intimacy like a chore

I get it! You've had a long day, and you have a lot on your mind. But please don't treat sex like it's another thing to check off your to-do list. Being intimate with your spouse is fun, exciting, bonding, playful and passionate. When you treat sex like a chore, your guy can tell. He can sense when you are going through the motions and don't really care. That hurts. That kills the fun and the passion. Even though your guy loves being intimate with you, if you're not enjoying it, he'll stop initiating.

Being self-conscious

When you are feeling overly self-conscious, it affects the sexual experience. He can tell when you're more worried about how you look than about connecting with him. Sex for him is not about a performance. It's about forgetting the worries of the day, connecting with you, being passionate and enjoying each other. But when you make it about how you look, it diminishes the experience. He no longer looks forward to it and stops initiating.

Not considering his needs

If sex is all about your needs, expect him to initiate less. Trust me, he likes making you feel good. In fact, he feels good when he can make you feel good. But, if it is always going one way, it can be unsatisfying. Intimacy is about mutual satisfaction; it's a two-way street. It is an act of giving and receiving. If all he does is give, it can build resentment. Change it up sometimes. Ask him what he would like.

Being routine

If all you ever do is the same ol' same ol', than expect him to initiate less. Routine is the enemy of passion. It's okay to be spontaneous every once in a while. It may be hit or miss, but it's still fun to try new things and it shows you care.

Making it conditional

If you make intimacy conditional upon your partner fulfilling some kind of hidden agenda, expect him to initiate less. If you have a disagreement and refuse sex because he doesn't agree with you, that's a bad precedent to set. Sex is not a bargaining chip. It is a shared privilege between the two of you. It is not something for you to give and take away. Consider the needs of the other partner (that goes for him too, of course). Intimacy is a vital aspect of any marriage, but once it becomes conditional, it is no longer a shared element of your relationship.

Mind reading

If you expect him to always know when you are in the mood without giving any signals, expect him to initiate less. You want him to know what you need. That's a fair point. Intimate partners should be attuned to each other's needs, wants and desires but not all the time. That's an unrealistic expectation.

Throughout the day you're juggling several different things: work, family, friends, social life, kids, paying bills, responding to emails, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Help your man out. Communicate that you want to be close to him, that you'd like him to massage your feet and give you a hug to help you get ready to be intimate. You've got a lot on your mind and so does he. Help each other out and don't assume he's ignoring you. Whenever you expect him to mind-read, you're setting him and yourself up for frustration.

Controlling

This section could easily be labeled "Making it conditional part 2." If you view sex as a means of gaining control in your relationship, expect him to initiate less. Just as you want a sense of shared control over your bank accounts, budget, bills, where you go on your vacation and whose family you spend time with over the holidays, you also want a shared sense of control over sex. Once you are the only one holding the reigns, he will resent that. No one likes feeling as if they have no control regarding something as important as sex. Get comfortable with sharing control. That means you'll have to trust him and he'll have to trust you.

There are more things I could add to the list, but hopefully this will stimulate your thinking. Don't make the mistake of placing all the blame on him for the lull in being intimate. If he's not initiating more, dig deeper and ask why. Be prepared to take responsibility for your waning sex life. A good sex life takes two people.

The post Wish your guy would initiate sex more? Here’s why he doesn’t appeared first on FamilyToday.

Too many shrink away when topics such as privilege, racial inequality and diversity are brought up. However, this is a not a subject to be avoided but to be instead faced with grace, compassion and understanding, especially by Christians. Christians ought to take the issues of racial inequality seriously for the following four reasons.

We are all made in the image of God

The Bible doesn't say only some of us are made in the image of God. It clearly states all. This means each and every man, woman and child, of any racial group, regardless of age, era or geographic location has dignity (Genesis 1:27). The U.S. constitution terms describes this dignity as "inalienable rights" because we are made in the image of our Creator.

So, if you are prejudice against a person because of their race, you are sinning against God. You are spitting at His image. And you do harm to yourself because by lowering the value of another human, you essentially lower the value of yourself.

Christ died so all humanity may be redeemed

Christ did not die so only some may be redeemed. Christ died so all who repent from their sins and ask for forgiveness may receive grace of God from the cross of Christ (I Peter 3:18, Romans 6:10, Hebrews 9:28). This offer is extended to anyone regardless of race, background, era, geographic location or sex.

By denying the value of a person of another race you mock the sacrifice of Christ given on the cross. Just think, for the person you are devaluing because of their race Christ died for. For him or her Christ became a man, bore this person's sins and died on the cross. Christ values them. Why don't you?

Divisions are broken down in the gospel

Divisions are not strengthened in light of the gospel. The Apostle Paul said to the Church in Galatia, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus" (Galatians 3:28). The gospel shows us our common problem: we are all sinners before God. And gives us all the same solution: salvation through faith in Christ. From then on, as Paul said, "You are all one in Christ Jesus."

What reason, then, do you have for replacing the barriers Christ tore down? And if you do place barriers between yourself and others based on race, upon whose authority do you do so? Surely not Christ's. Then on your own? So you would place yourself above God?

Heaven is of a diverse, redeemed humanity

The Bible does not say Heaven is of a white humanity or black or Asian or Russian. It states people of "every tribe, tongue and nation" are before the throne and Lamb of God (Revelation 5:9, 7:9).

That is a diversepicture of who the Lamb called His kingdom and the priests of God, who would reign upon the new earth (5:10). To deny equality between a person of another race and yourself is to deny the redemption of all humanity in Heaven. What is true of our future ought to be true of our present.

That last point ought to cause you some discomfort. As Christians, our future should inform and affect our present. So, I pose some questions:

• If our future is one of equality between every tongue, tribe and nation, why aren't we living that way now? Or working towards it?

• We know all people will be worshiping God. So why are not worshiping like this now? Why do we have mono-racial churches?

• Why would we put up barriers and divisions between people when Christ died to tear them down?

• Why would we deny the image of God in another person by ignoring his or her divine claims to racial equality?

Let us rid the world of racisim in obedience to Jesus-in our personal lives and in various institutions. Let our actions and relationships reflect the view that God has of humanity: All are equal in value (created in the image of God), opportunity (receiving God's grace from the cross of Christ), guilt and the need for a Savior (the gospel) and responsibility to make the kingdom of God on Earth now (living in light of our future).

Do this regardless of how uncomfortable it is. Air out hidden thoughts, which may be wrong. Each race ought to take responsibility for their own contribution to the problem because racism is a human problem. We are all guilty, and we all need to change. The Apostle Paul said in a letter to the Church in Rome, "For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).

This is not just a "white problem" or a "black problem." The only way we can come to the table and seek equality-genuine equality-is through the humility of the gospel, the grace of God and obedience to the Biblical mandate for social justice.

The post 4 reasons why God does NOT want you to be a racist appeared first on FamilyToday.

Have you ever struggled with the question, "Where is God in suffering?" Does God feel distant and removed or even hidden when you need Him most? Christian mystics consider the possibility that maybe the problem isn't necessarily with God but with us.

The way we think of God affects how we see Him

What do you think about when you think of God? What images, messages and pictures come to mind?

Sometimes people see God as an absentee father, who enjoys the suffering of humanity or who, at the very least, is indifferent to it. If you are on the lookout for such a mean, ruthless, fickle God, you will totally miss the loving, merciful, gracious, creative, all-powerful and justice-loving one.

Why? We see what we "attend" to. Psychologists call this Selective Attention. Our brains are conditioned to look for the object of our attention and to dismiss all extra information. There's a famous example of this from researchers Daniel Simons and Christopher Chabris.

So, when a person is in search of God but only attends to a particular picture of Him that does not represent who He actually is, they may miss Him entirely, finding him "hidden." For many, this causes doubt in the existence of God.

Christian mystics offer a new perspective

But mystics say not finding God shouldn't cause the seeker to doubt His existence but rather their concept of Him. Once a person realizes this, they are open to receiving messages from the God who is there.

Contemporary Christian mystic A.W. Tozer said,

"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us."

But what if we have the wrong conception of God? Then what? This is where suffering may actually serve us. An odd statement to make, right? Let me explain.

Suffering helps us see God

Critics of Christianity often bring up theodicy, which is the problem with the co-existence of an all-powerful God alongside evil because the two seem incompatible. But many Christian scholars, theologians, philosophers, and mystics have pointed out that maybe the two aren't so mutually exclusive. Maybe there are morally justifiable reasons for God to allow evil.

For example, mystics believe suffering shakes us loose of the false conceptions of God, conceptions that keep us away from Him. Suffering sheds the scales from our eyes, so we can see the true God. Suffering challenges us personally and intellectually. It causes us to doubt everything we believe. If we believe something that is false and not spiritually nourishing, suffering will expose that. It allows us to attend to Him, to redirect our attention to who He really is.

C.S. Lewis said,

"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

God is constantly trying to get our attention, but we have stuffed our spiritual ears and covered our spiritual eyes, so we cannot see Him even when He stands before us. God could very well be the "gorilla" standing in the middle of our search, yet we think He is hidden. But suffering redirects our attention to where He actually is. Pain forces us to look for God where we normally wouldn't, so we can see Him.

Seeing God for who He is connects us to Him

Some might say, "Well, isn't suffering a high price to pay for a relationship with Him? Doesn't that make God greedy?"

Again, the mystics would disagree. They view the relationship with God as the greatest good and the way to greatest spiritual satisfaction. Take, for example, the first question and answer in the Westminster Catechism:

"What is the chief end of man? Man's chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever."

So, obtaining this relationship with God is not a sadistic whim of the Divine; it is a gift. It is a gift for our ultimate happiness, purpose and joy.

Our relationship with God has practical importance as well: a relationship with Him isn't just good for you; it's good for the world. People who have a healthy relationship with God are transformed. They become better people, which then has an impact for good on their homes, organizations, family members and friends. It's a ripple effect of expanding circles of transformed lives.

The "hiddenness" of God helps us find Him

There is more to say on the "hiddennes" of God and Christian mystics' point-of-view. I will have to save those thoughts for future discussions. So, for now, I leave you with this thought: God's "hiddennes" paradoxically helps us find Him in ways we cannot see and strips us of too much faith in ourselves. This painful letting go creates space for God to regain center stage in our lives with no competitors. And through the process we become humble and true seekers of the true God.

This article was originally published on Daniel Bates. It has been republished here with permission.

The post When God appears to be hiding, how do you find Him? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Why are so many millennials leaving churches? What's wrong with churches today? Here is one idea you probably haven't thought of yet.

Group influence on an individual

Psychologist Robert Cialdini did a fascinating study on the influential power a group has on an individual. Public service announcement signs about energy usage were set out in people's yards throughout different neighborhoods. Different messages were on different signs. One pointed out the cost to consumers, another noted the effect on global warming, and a third spoke of negative effects from over-consumption of energy for future generations. But the last sign dropped the warnings about cost, damage to the atmosphere and future generations; it simply described the usage behavior of people's neighbors.

So, which one of the signs do you think affected usage behavior most? I'll give you a hint: it wasn't one of the first three. That's right. The sign with the greatest impact on changing people's energy usage behavior was the one that simply informed people what others were doing, their neighbors.

In fact, the other three signs didn't alter the usage behavior of people at all. What changed people's behavior wasn't personal cost, a threat or long-term value but instead the behavior of others.

Cialdini concluded that one of the most influential forces on an individual's behavior is the behavior of others, particularly groups. Individuals feel an overwhelming need to fit in. Everyone wants to belong, be part of the group and not stand out. What others do, people unconsciously follow.

Seeing people practice their faith

So, how does the idea of individuals being influenced by the actions of others have to do with the dropout rate of millennials in churches?

Well, what if millennials aren't leaving churches because of the quality of the preaching, the style of worship or the decor of the building? What if they leave because they don't see people practicing their faith?

I know for me, personally, I can listen to the most convincing sermon on something I should be doing; but if no one in the church is doing it, I won't either. For example, I attended a church that emphasized ministry, personal devotion, accountability, community, serious Bible study and sharing the gospel. And I did these things because my obedience was greatly aided by the culture and actions of the other people in the church.

Obedience was contagious. I couldn't help but get involved.

Then I moved, joined another church that wasn't as passionate and I eventually settled into "cruise control Christianity."

Our individual spiritual lives are directly tied to the spiritual lives of the people of the church as a whole. So, how can these ideas alter the way we do church and what can be done to reverse the trend of millennials leaving?

Let Jesus be your guide

Pastors need to be experts on group influence and be able to shape group dynamics. They should aim to create a culture, a movement and a church where people are influenced to obedience and righteous because of what everyone else is doing.

How? Let Jesus be your example. Jesus invested Himself into a group with twelve other people. Jesus built relationships with them. He went through life with them. And after not much time, the disciples began to think the way Jesus thought and to take on His passions and priorities. Then, these people went on to influence the world.

Most movements and causes begin when a core group of people who commit to a mission. From there, they influence others to join their cause-their influence spreading out like a ripple in a pond. This is how the gospel initially spread across the world. Why can't a similar process take place in our churches?

But this principle is not only for pastors. Laypeople can also understand and make use of this principle. The public practice of one's faith is not for the sole benefit to oneself. God uses our obedience to also influence the obedience and righteousness of others.

If you want to see your church change, if you are tired of or frustrated with the dropout rate, then understand the solution may not be getting better preaching, more stylish worship, a coffee stand in the lobby, a more contemporary building or better programs.

People will be more likely to practice an active faith if they see other people practicing an active faith. This puts the responsibility on us, the leadership and laypeople.

Start the discussion

Let's stop ignoring or minimizing the influential power of others. Often, Christians view "fitting in" or "following the group" as a negative thing. We need to be countercultural, right? Resist the devil, the world and the flesh, right? But is there a positive side to following the group? What if the group norm influenced individuals towards redemptive ends?

To start solving the problem of rapid drops in attendance, let's start having this conversation about group influence. Start by asking yourself and others the following questions.

1. Do you agree or disagree that individuals are influenced by the behavior of the group and that this idea can be helpful for churches?

2. In what ways has the behavior of others influenced your faith?

3. How have you influenced another person's faith?

4. How can your church, leadership and laypeople focus on changing group behavior, creating an active culture, and working with group dynamics for the benefit of everyone's faith life?

This article was originally published on Daniel Bates. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Why millennials are leaving churches in droves appeared first on FamilyToday.

What did you just say? No, it's how you said it that people hear the clearest. Nonverbal communication can either damage or support a relationship. And it can either undermine or support what you are verbally communicating.

Guys (and girls, I actually happen to know a few ladies who also struggle with this concept) are lazy. They want to pay lip service to whoever is in front of them and hope that is enough. In other words, they say the right thing while sending totally opposing messages through their non-verbals.

These questions are designed to help see if your nonverbal messages match your verbal communication because your non-verbal communication will always betray your true intentions.

In what ways are you sending the wrong message when you are trying to communicate with your boss, spouse, family member or significant other?

You may have heard nonverbals are responsible for 80 percent of communication. There is some debate as to the exact numbers, some researchers have suggested the 55/38/7 formula, as in communication is composed of 55 percent body language, 38 percent tone of voice, and 7 percent actual words spoken. Others have suggested the 60/40 formula, as in communication is composed of 60 percent facial and 40 percent vocal.

Whatever number you accept as true, you have to acknowledge the fact that nonverbal communication (facial expressions, body movement and posture, gestures, eye contact, touch, space and tone of voice) compose the majority of what communication is. So, sorry dudes who scoff at their better halves for using the phrase, you are wrong!

Does your nonverbal communication show you're listening to the other person?

Let me give you an example. In my teen years, I was very angsty. Actually, let me put that another way. I was angsty"¦ because I was hurting. I struggled to connect with other people. I needed someone in my life who I felt cared for me. Most of all, I felt alone. So, when I showed up to youth group (church for teenagers), I was in a vulnerable position. I remember a youth leader coming up to me and showing me a lot of attention. I thought, "This is great, a guy who actually cares about me and can invest in me." So, each time I showed up at youth group I made a point to seek out this youth leader and talk with him because I felt safe with him. But something was going on that I couldn't put my finger on. I would reach out to this person, he would speak with me, and I would walk away feeling totally empty. For years, I wondered why this was. Was it something to do with me? Was I at fault?

Ask yourself if your body language matches your words of sincerity?

Learning about the importance of nonverbal communication helped me answer some of these questions. I realized that when I spoke with this youth leader he made very little eye contact. In fact, when he spoke to me, even though he was responding to what I said, he was looking and gesturing to other people. And his responses to what I was saying were the "Uh huhs" "Yeah, uh huh" "right, uh huh"'; responses you would give to someone or something that required the lowest level of your attention. Even though he was saying words that showed engagement in the conversation, his eye contact, choice of words, tone of voice, body posture and position suggested "I couldn't care less." Even though I didn't consciously pick up on this nonverbal message, on some level I was able to sense his disinterest. I almost always walked away from our conversations feeling lonelier and emptier than before.

I'm 29 years old and still remember how much my youth leader's nonverbal communication hurt. I struggled in attending church after that. I share this to illustrate the point that nonverbal communication deeply impacts the person across from you.

Does your partner not believe what you are saying, regardless of how many times you've repeated yourself?

A popular form of discipline when children behave badly toward each other is to make them face each other and apologize. Often, all the offended receives from the offender is a resentful and insincere "Sorry." It's not very satisfying, is it? Imagine that same response when you experience wrongdoing from someone you care about now? "Hey, I said I was sorry." The apology is in the delivery, not the words.

So, what should you do from here? Recognize the truth that communication is more than just the words you say. It actually is about how you say it.

The post Are you destroying your relationships by unknowingly communicating the wrong thing? appeared first on FamilyToday.

When was the last time you witnessed true joy?

For me, it started with a gorgeous summer day. The sun was shining, and the wind was blowing. My daughter was sitting in her stroller pointing out different objects, telling me all about them in her baby gibberish (she just turned one-year- old). Just as we started down a hill, I heard this hysterical laughter coming from behind me. I looked around to see a mom riding her bike with her daughter riding on a bike attachment behind her. She was laughing hysterically as they flew down the hill. I broke out in laughter myself. And then the thought hit me, I've ridden down hills on my bike hundreds of times, but for that little girl, that was probably her first time.

That young girl's joy and excitement was infectious. I felt better, and I was already having a pretty great day. Seeing her brought to mind the fact there is so much in life to appreciate and enjoy. Yet, we often only look at life's problems or what's next on our to-do list. The busyness and problems of life consume us, edging joy out of our daily experience.

Sadly, I think parents (myself, included) are the worst offenders. Don't get me wrong, it makes sense why parents get stuck in a problem or task perspective. Parents are some of the busiest, most tired, burdened people out there. Parents juggle their own education, their kids education, work, paying bills, childcare, cooking, cleaning and everything else in between. It feels like there is never enough time or energy in the day. I get it! No wonder you only see problems or to do's.

But the danger with this perspective is that you forget the purpose of life. And without any purpose, life isn't possible to cope with. Furthermore, the quality of your parenting drops. Your mental health takes a major hit. Everything feels like its overwhelming.

Joy infuses purpose back into our lives. It helps us realize what is most important. Why we work so hard and care so much about our kids.

The person who solely looks at the negative is living a life of survival and fear. It takes courage to enjoy, to have hope, to rest. And I want to raise my daughter to be a woman of courage. Doing that starts with me enjoying her and showing her how to enjoy.

So even though it's hard to do, the importance of maintaining joy demands that we infuse joy into our daily living.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Is my schedule so busy I have no time to rest and relax?

2. Do I delight in my children? Or do I see them as a burden?

3. Do I enjoy the simple things with my kids, like riding a bike down a hill? Singing at the top of your lungs? Playing make-believe?

4. Are you excited to spend time with your kids or do you dread it?

5. Are you irritable or patient with your kids?

This isn't an exhaustive list of questions to determine if you are living a life of joy or survival, but it should get you thinking. Living a life of joy is much more difficult than one that is focused on survival, fear, problems and negativity, that's the easy road. The more challenging path is to live a life of contentment and joy, but the struggle is worth it. Our kids are worth. So, I'll take some of my own advice and stop writing to play peekaboo with my daughter. Enjoy!

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My wife and I went on a date night in the not-so-distant past. We were at one of our favorite places, Kennedy School McMenamins in Portland, Oregon. We love this place because of the atmosphere, all the things to do (soaking pools, firesides, movie theater, great pizza), but we also love this place for another reason: It's where our love story began. We fell in love walking the halls of Kennedy School. So we often go there any chance we can get.

On one particular evening we decided to go for dinnner and a movie. We ordered our pizza and drinks, found a comfy couch to sit on and waited for the movie. We didn't even know what the movie was about; we were just happy to be there with each other. As we sat through the movie we looked at each other with a kind of "huh?" look. By the end, we came to the conclusion that the main character had an affair, which, as the movie portrayed, somehow benefitted her existing marriage.

Needless to say, we walked away a little befuddled, scratching our heads. I wondered aloud to my wife, "How in the world could an affair ever help someone's marriage?" She wondered the same thing.

In the movie the main character had what some would term a fling β€” a passionate romance with a much younger man. She wasn't in love with him; it was just lust. After she felt like she exercised her fantasies out of her system, she returned to her husband with more appreciation. She decided to not tell him, which would only cause him pain; and the affair helped her realize that what she really wanted was companionship and commitment. Even more, she appreciated that she had kids and history with her husband.

I've heard this same idea echoed in songs, TV shows and books. The idea is definitely present in our culture and believed by some. But are they right? Can an affair help your marriage?

Sadly, those who think this way are being consciously naive. This idea that an affair could help your marriage is a rationalization. A rationalization means knowingly justifying or excusing a behavior as being positive when it is obvious that the behavior is wrong or destructive. The idea that an affair can be helpful for a marriage is a major rationalization; and here are four reasons why.

It's a Lie

I've heard it said and I think its very true β€” "You are as sick as your secrets!" Hiding an affair from your spouse is a toxic secret. People keep it secret because they mistakenly think they are protecting their spouse. But the damage has already been done. Keeping it secret only pours salt in the wound.

It's Selfish

An affair, even if you come back to your relationship with a renewed sense of appreciation for your spouse, is a very selfish act. What if your spouse cheated on you β€” even if they liked you more afterwards β€” how would you feel? Most likely you'd feel betrayed, cheated, back-stabbed, like you could never trust them again. So then, why is it OK for you to cheat on them?

A commitment to another

Marriage is a financial, sexual, social, institutional, lifelong commitment. You make a promise to dedicate your body, mind, heart and actions to your spouse β€” and only your spouse. Having an emotional or sexual affair is committing yourself to another person. It doesn't matter if you like your spouse more after your affair, or if they never find out. You are now committed to that other person as well as your spouse. That "other" commitment will follow you for the rest of your life. That "other" commitment will negatively affect all other commitments.

A life of no consequences

Having an affair is an attempt to live a life without any consequences. In other words, you want to have your cake and eat it to. You want a committed, trusting and loving relationship, and you want your lust and fantasies satisfied by another. Sorry, but you can't have it both ways. Isaac Newton's third law of thermodynamics states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Whatever action you take, there is an inescapable positive or negative consequence.

Do yourself a favor and stop rationalizing. An affair will not somehow magically turn out to benefit you and those around you. It's destructive behavior, and will always be destructive. If you are not satisified with your relationship, that never means it's time for an affair. Instead, invest in your marriage. Build your spouse up. Do the hard work. You'll be glad you did.

The post Can an affair actually improve your marriage? appeared first on FamilyToday.

There are many factors that lead to marital strain and unhappiness. One of the leading causal factors in marital discord is hostile conflict - conflict that often finds its roots in family-of-origin (the family in which you were born and raised)problems.

In two different studies, one by P.R. Amato in 1996, and another by T.B. Holman and P.J. Birch in 2001, data has shown that disrupted and dysfunctional family-of-origin histories influence future marital discord if issues are not recognized and resolved.

In some cases, people who come from "broken" families often leave their family or situation, thinking they are also leaving all of the drama, conflict and pain behind. They then find themselves recreating their own past problems in their newly created familes.

I've heard it said that the family is the laboratory of life; meaning we do most of our learning, developing and experimenting within the family context. Family life can be looked at as a sort of training. How families deal with conflict, manage money, perceive time, work, express love and affection and so on affects future relationships. The way we handle each of these issues is largely based on what we learned in our own family.

For premarital couples, having an understanding of what factors may cause hostile marital conflict in their future marriage is incredibly valuable information. The research is still preliminary, but there is evidence to support the notion that the work you put into your premarital relationship can save your future marriage.

Here are five steps you can take to help prevent marital conflicts:

Recognize

Recognition is only the first step, but is an important one. You can't begin to fix a problem until you recognize what it is.

Stop

Stop telling yourself that you can "run away" from your family-of-origin problems. People can grow and change for the better. Facing and fixing these problems appropriately will bring you peace and healing.

Understand

Understand that the struggles of the past will be the struggles of your future, if not appropriately handled. Do your future marriage a favor and begin now the proper growing and healing processes needed.

Be honest

Be honest and specific about areas in which you struggle with to your future spouse. The better you can understand the problem, the more effectively you can move towards healing and growth.

Know

Know that you can't change another person; you can only change yourself. Growth in premarital relationships happens when partners realize the only thing in their control is their own behavior and how they respond to one another.

Each of us has a past, filled with both good and bad. Our pasts help make us who we are today - which can be a positive thing, if we allow it to be.

The post 5 steps to kill marital disasters before your ‘I do’ even starts appeared first on FamilyToday.