The rat pups who experienced more licking and grooming were identifiable by the anatomy of their brains! When Meaney followed the rat pups into adulthood, he found that those who were licked and groomed were better at completing mazes and even lived longer. Why? The pups who were licked and groomed produced fewer stress hormones when faced with challenges. The licking and grooming provided to rat pups served as a protective factor and prepared them to manage stressors into adulthood.

In humans, when our brains are bathed for too long in stress hormones, we are always "on alert" and anxious, exposing us to increased risk of mental health issues, heart disease or diabetes. We want our stress hormones to kick in when we are in danger, then dissipate.

So, what do rat parents and human parents have in common? The capacity to provide affection and physical touch to their offspring. Dr. Meaney uses the implications of his work to note how important a mother's mental and physical health is - it largely defines the quality of mother-offspring interactions. Of course, this is true of all primary caregivers - whether they be biological mothers or not. In subsequent research, Dr. Meaney paired mother rats who scored high on licking and grooming with rat pups who were not their biological pups, and he found the same positive results. As caregivers, we all have daily opportunities to engage with our children in ways that will better prepare them to ride the wave of adulthood in an emotionally healthy way.

What does "licking and grooming" look like for humans? Good question. It's likely that you're already doing it. For example, lotioning your child after a bath and playing patty-cake or "this little piggy."

"Theraplay" is a clinical intervention focused on building attachment between parents and children. One of the domains of focus is nurture, which is all about physical touch and showing children that they are worthy of good care. Some Theraplay activities include: lotioning (which can also be used with older children by placing dots of lotion along the arms or face and slowly rubbing in each dot), creating a secret handshake with your child, giving your child a manicure or pedicure with a focus on physical touch, face painting, thumb wars, mirroring and peek-a-boo. Use your finger to draw letters on your child's back and see if he can guess the words. Create variations of songs for your child.

As you can see, many of these activities are built into the way we interact with children already. Being conscious about including them in your daily routines will benefit both you and your child. So, the next time you snuggle a newborn or force your third grader into a hug, feel proud that you are having an impact - on a cellular level!

The post Biochemistry of good parenting appeared first on FamilyToday.

What we know about parenting styles is derived from Diana Baumrind's 1960s research. She observed hundreds of parents and children and noticed patterns which she grouped into three general parenting categories. A fourth category was added later. We now know that these different parenting styles have predictable outcomes among children.

Baumrind defined parenting styles using two dimensions: a scale of unresponsive to responsive and a scale of undemanding to demanding. Our parenting styles fall somewhere along each of these continuums. Responsive parents respond to children in ways that are supportive to their children's needs while encouraging individuality and self-regulation. Demanding parents require that children meet expectations formed by family, but also demand that the family provide supervision and discipline in order to encourage compliance.

Authoritarian

(unresponsive and demanding): For these parents, having their children comply with their requests is of utmost importance. Parents' requests shouldn't be questioned - only followed. When questioned, parents may reply, "Because I said so." They may use punishment or threats of punishment to gain obedience.

Outcome: Obedient and well-behaved kids who generally rank lower on happiness, self-esteem and social competence.

Indulgent

(responsive and undemanding): For these parents, the desire to be accepted and to be friends with their children trumps discipline or expectation. The avoidance of conflict often leads to diffuse limits or rules. These parents are nurturing and communicative with their children, but generally have low expectations.

Outcome: Children with good self-esteem and low rates of depression, but these children tend to have poor academic performances and are more at risk for drug use.

Neglectful

(unresponsive and undemanding): These parents are uninvolved in the daily care of their children, perhaps due to their own stressors. They provide for basic needs but are not nurturing or warm. They place few demands on their children.

Outcome: These children have the poorest outcomes. They are most likely to have juvenile offenses, drug use and poor school performance. They often lack self-control and self-esteem.

Authoritative

(responsive and demanding): These parents encourage high levels of independence and they enforce rules. They are warm but with high expectations. They are assertive and their discipline techniques are supportive. Questioning is encouraged though parents ultimately make the decisions.

Outcome: These children have the best outcomes. They are generally well-behaved, socially competent, happy, resourceful and emotionally mature.

Do we all fit nicely into only one of these four categories? No. When we are tired, worn out or "at the end of our ropes," do we always parent authoritatively? No. But, in general, our parenting philosophies tend to run parallel with one or more of the above. What if one parent tends toward authoritative and the other indulgent? The child will benefit from the authoritative parenting despite the permissiveness.

Knowing what type of parenting is most effective and actually using it are two different things. As I stated, our approach to parenting is formed by deep roots. If you are a parent who would like to change your parenting style, you may consider changing your perspective about your role as a parent. For example, if you tend toward an indulgent style, your mantra may be, "My primary role is to make sure my kids know I love them." By expanding your parenting mantra to include, "My role is to make sure my kids know how much I love them and how much I expect of them," you will find your interactions and responses to behavior shift. Authoritarian parents might shift to authoritative by switching from, "My children need to follow the directions I give them because I know best," to, "Although I know best, I want my children to learn to make good decisions on their own." A shift in perspective is powerful.

Lastly, one barrier to authoritative parenting is "how you feel about feelings." For example, with all but the authoritative style, parents may run from feelings. Authoritarian parents may not acknowledge the anger or sadness of their children, focusing instead on, "Just do what I say." Indulgent parents don't want to upset their children by setting limits, and neglectful parents aren't in tune enough with what is going on to notice their children's feelings. The key here is to "sit with" feelings - both your own and your child's. By doing this, you can better parent in an authoritative way.

Parenting is hard work - worthy of a review now and then. Hang in there!

The post What’s your parenting style? Is it working? appeared first on FamilyToday.

There are many factors to consider when discussing adoption with your child, if you don't know much about his birth parents or circumstances of early life, if rape or incest plays a role, if adopted internationally and cultural beliefs and attitudes impact the decision to place a child for adoption. This is difficult territory to navigate, your tone can often convey as much as your words. Parents often worry when they have very little information about a child's early beginnings. You can share this with your child as he ages by saying "I wonder if it ever makes you mad/sad that we don't know more about your birth parents."� Regardless of your child's feelings about her adoption, you can be supportive, and validating as she makes sense of her story.

Perhaps one of the most important factors to keep in mind when discussing adoption is your child's current developmental stage. Your discussions about adoption will evolve throughout her life. Your child will focus on different aspects of adoption depending upon his age. We will begin by exploring these discussions with preschoolers and early elementary.

Preschoolers

Consider this time period as laying the foundation for future adoption discussions. All children love to hear the story about how their family was formed. Convey that you are comfortable talking about adoption and that it is a topic always available for discussion. If you aren't comfortable talking about adoption, attempt to work through some of this with family members or a therapist. Your attitude and comfort with the topic will subtly impact how your child receives the information. At this age, a child may recite back his adoption story, but it's little more than repeating information he's heard, the understanding will come later. There are many adoption related children's books that can serve as a good way to introduce the concept of adoption.

Begin with differentiating that your child grew in her birth mother's tummy. You may say "Daddy and I wanted a baby very much, but we couldn't make a baby. You grew in your birth mother's tummy and we adopted you."� Be sure to include that she was born the same way all children are born. We often say things like "We couldn't have a baby, so we contacted an adoption agency to adopt a child,"� by leaving out the part where your child is born may complicate what adoption actually means. If your child was adopted after birth you might say, "You lived with your birth parents until you were 2, they were having trouble taking care of you, because babies need love, attention, food and a safe place to live. So, you came to live with us and we adopted you."� Provide an overview of the story with the understanding that you will fill in the details as the child's comprehension grows. Follow her lead, you may find that her questions are very basic and literal, this is due to the way she grasps the world at this point.

Early Elementary Years (5-9)

At this stage, your child may begin to be more curious about the specifics of his adoption. He may ask "What did my birth mom look like?"� "Why didn't I stay with that family?"� He has heard the story about what led to his adoption, but now he is starting to grasp the concept of "why?"� Providing concrete details to your child will help to make this abstract concept and idea of "birth parents"� become more real. If you have pictures, show them to your child. If you know anything about birth parents' hobbies or interests, share this with your child. If you know very little about birthparents or the circumstances surrounding the adoption, attempt to explain to your child the cultural and economic circumstances of the country she was born (if it's an international adoption.) Your child will begin to understand this, but really it's a building block for later cognitive development.

Most importantly, acknowledge and empathize with your child. Statements such as "I would have these questions, too, if I were you. We will talk about it as much as you want."� Or, "It's OK to think about and miss your birth mom."� Encouraging your child to work through these questions is healthy. The questions at this age show that he is beginning to do some reflecting on his life experience with adoption - this is just what you want. If your child isn't asking these questions, try an opener such as "I was thinking about your birth parents today"� and see where it goes.

You know your child best. Trust your instincts when it comes to these conversations. Your love and acceptance for your child will come through. The day to day interactions you have with your child will communicate that he is "wanted."� As adoptive parents, we may worry that children will feel eternally defective or abandoned. Addressing this through conversations with our child about her adoption history is one way to address this. But, keep in mind, you are already doing this every day through your actions, unconditional love and support for her.

The post Discussing your child’s adoption story throughout the developmental stages appeared first on FamilyToday.