The wedding dress is packed away, the guest book is placed on the shelf and the honeymoon is over. Your wedding was everything you imagined, and now you get to live the rest of your life with your best friend. The start of the best, most exciting adventure has begun, and it seems like life couldn't get any better.

It usually isn't until newlyweds have their first argument that they realize marriage isn't for the faint of heart. After the honeymoon, couples are thrown back into real life. There are bills to pay, a house to clean and dinners to make. Separate jobs and hobbies compete for each spouse's attention, and it becomes hard to find a balance.

Here are seven ways to ensure your marriage lasts:

1. Make your marriage a safe space

Some of the biggest threats to marriage are secrets. When your spouse feels like they have to hide something from you, there is a loss of intimacy. This often happens when bad news or difficult conversations are met with emotional outbursts, blaming, contempt, or a complete shutdown of communication.

Practice creating a climate in your relationship where you can both feel safe bringing up any worries, concerns, or problems with the confidence that you will feel understood and heard before judgement is passed.

2. Practice asking for what you want

When our needs and desires are not being met in marriage, it's easy to become resentful and upset.

It's romantic to think that the person we love most in the world can intuitively anticipate our needs, and sense our innermost desires. Alas, love does not a clairvoyant make.

To save yourself a lot of unnecessary grief and pain, create a habit of simply asking for what you need. Your spouse loves you and wants to make you happy - but he can't read your mind like Professor Xavier from the X-Men"¦ he may not even pick up on all your hints.

By asking for what you need and want, you're setting him up to be a winner by making it easy for him to make you happy.

3. Make and keep your promises

For a marriage to thrive, there must be trust. The best - and perhaps the only way to create trust in your relationship is to constantly make and keep your promises. Trust is essentially promises made and kept over time.

People commit to and sacrifice for the things and people they trust. If you are constantly developing trust in your relationship, there will always be an attitude of selflessness, and a willingness to sacrifice for each other.

4. Take care of yourself

Your spouse can't exercise to burn your calories for you. Your spouse can't brush their teeth to prevent cavities in your mouth. And they can't read a book to put knowledge in your brain.

You are responsible for your own physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, and social well being. If you're feeling stressed, overwhelmed, depressed or angry, it can be easy to blame your partner, work, school, kids, or just life in general. But more often than not, your problems come from overextending yourself, saying "yes" to too many things, and not making room in your life for your needs.

Your marriage will be happier and your life will be better when you make sure you are responsible for your overall well being"¦ nobody else.

5. Track your progress

If you want to be great at something - including marriage - you only need three things:

1. Set a measurable goal.

2. Consistently measure the goal.

3. Have someone hold you accountable to the goal you're measuring.

This is the magic of Pearson's Law"¦

"That which is measured improves. That which is measured and reported improves exponentially."

-Karl Pearson

Set marriage goals. Track your progress. Ask for your partner to hold you accountable. Ask each other the question "On a scale from 1-10, how good of a partner was I today?"

If you didn't hit a 10 today, follow up with the question, "What could I do tomorrow to be a 10?"

6. Learn to disagree

Dr. John Gottman can predict whether or not a couple will get a divorce with over 90% accuracy just by watching them fight. In his studies, he's also found that 69% of marital problems are unresolvable"¦ meaning that these problems don't just go away. They come up over and over and over again.

Regardless of how amazing your chemistry is, or how much you love each other, the way you handle your disagreements might be the biggest indicator of whether or not your relationship will endure the test of time.

Learn to argue in a way that brings you closer together rather than tearing you apart.

7. Be grateful

Gratitude is rocket fuel for love.

I didn't ever seem to notice Volkswagon Beatles on the road"¦ but when I was a kid playing the Punch Buggie game with my brothers, it seemed like these cars were everywhere.

The things you watch for often become magnified. When you're looking for opportunities to be grateful for your partner, you'll find them. And that gratitude and appreciation will inspire your partner to love and serve you even more.

Gratitude perpetuates love.

Bonus tip

A simple way to keep the fire of your love burning is to have a regular date night! After all, dating is just as important after marriage as it is before.

The post 7 ways to ensure your marriage lasts forever appeared first on FamilyToday.

Over the last 3 years, I've interviewed hundreds of couples who are madly in love with each other.

The stories I've collected would blow your mind"¦ but more important than the stories, are the lessons I've learned from these couples about how to create the kind of extraordinary, passionate, lasting love that most of us yearn for.

Say No to Awesome Things

Jay and Laura have criss-crossed the country with their family to pursue Jay's career for over 20 years. When my friend Melissa and I arrived at their house to interview them, they were getting ready to move again"¦ but this time it wasn't for Jay's career.

He had just turned down an incredible job offer with a really great salary because he knew that his family and his relationship with his wife were more important than work.

So, they sold their gorgeous house on the coast of Northern California, bought a camper trailer, and spent the last several years road tripping across the country and training for ultra-marathons as a couple.

One of the most important lessons I learned from Jay and Laura is that it's ok to say "no" to truly incredible things if they don't align with what's most important to you.

The 1-10 Rule

Rich and Michelle met each other in Alcoholics Anonymous while going through the 12 Step Program.

The 12 Steps have become a strong foundation for their relationship, and has helped them navigate difficult times in their relationship. And aside from the 12 steps, they've also come up with a few helpful tools of their own.

Whenever they have a conflict they're having trouble resolving (relationship experts over at The Gottman Institute say that 69% of conflict in romantic relationships is unresolvable), Rich and Michelle each take a moment to rate on a scale from 1-10 how important the issue is to them personally.

The person with the lower number finds a way to make a compromise so that the conflict can be resolved.

Some people balk at this system, and say, "You could just say '10' every time and win every argument!"

I said the same thing.

But Rich and Michelle care for each other too much to lie and just get their way. This system of resolving conflict helps them understand how important something is to their partner and why. It's a system based on honesty, respect, and love. The reason it works so well for them is because they respect the process and they respect each other.

Kiss for 10 Seconds or Longer Every Day

My good friends Liz and Ryan vowed to never become the passionless couple who seem to live more like glorified roommates than husband and wife.

One of the commitments they have made to keep the passion alive and vibrant in their relationship is to make out for a minimum of 10 seconds every day

Life gets busy and pulls us in a million different directions. It's easy to let the little things go.

But when Ryan and Liz make it a priority to pin each other against a wall and share a good, passionate kiss that makes their toes curl and their ears tingle, they are adding another line of defense against boring, mediocre, passionless love.

Don't Settle for Mediocre Love

Average love is easy to come by.

It surrounds us every day.

Mediocre love is created by impatience, busy schedules, broken promises, and missed opportunities to display love.

Extraordinary, mind-boggling, knock-your-socks-off love is so, so, so, so possible! It just requires a commitment to be curious, patient, invested, kind, and a little creative every day.

I hope the tips in this article (and the awesome tips in the video) give you some ideas of how you can make your love more epic, and more your own.

Finally, share your own ideas to create amazing, lasting love using the hashtag #epiclove!

The post How to avoid a mediocre marriage (including why a 10-second kiss is so important) appeared first on FamilyToday.

I've dedicated the last several years of my life to helping people better understand what love is and how to create amazing relationships in their lives.

This year I turned 31. The morning of my birthday I woke up and felt compelled to write this piece. It's a collection of the most important lessons I've learned about love. I hope it can make a difference in your life.

1. Love is a choice you make every day

Consciously making the same choice to love your partner every single day is incredibly powerful. Nothing has the ability take away your power to choose love.

Choose whom you love. Love whom you choose.

2. Don't be afraid to be the one who loves the most

Most people never get to experience the love they dream of because they are scared to take the risk of being the one who loves the most. It's easy to play it safe and wait for the other person to make the first move. It's safe to let the other person do all the work, to be a critic, or to play down your true feelings. It's not difficult to avoid having the hard conversations that could save your relationship because you might be putting your relationship on the line.

The truly great lovers are not afraid to put their heart on the line.

3. Love isn't fair... and that's what makes it so beautiful

Sometimes we are just lucky enough to find a person who will stick by our side and love us even when we think we don't deserve it. If you find someone like that, hold on to them.

4. Love is not happiness

If you're looking for an unlimited, constant supply of happiness, love is not for you. Love is, however, purifying, inspiring, motivating and an incredible source for personal growth and improvement. The greatest happiness in love comes as a result of the progress and growth we experience as individuals and together as a couple.

5. Love does not keep score

When you keep score in a relationship, it takes the joy out of loving and being loved. Suddenly something beautiful and selfless becomes a source of resentment, guilt and frustration.

6. Love is learned

Just like a language or a musical instrument, we learn love from our families, cultures, teachers and our role models. Many people have mediocre love because they had mediocre teachers (who, more often than not, didn't even realize they were the teachers - or that they were mediocre).

If you want to master love, you must train and practice like a master.

7. The most simple act of love is making and keeping a promise

Promises are the gateway to everything beautiful about love. They are the foundation for trust and commitment. Make promises regularly! Keep the small promises you make and you'll never have to worry about the big ones being broken.

8. You have an unlimited supply of love

Love doesn't have a quota or a cap. What determines how much you give or receive is your willingness to give and receive it.

9. To love others, you must first love yourself

Allowing your self-worth and value as a human to be determined by how other people feel about you is selfish, and a short road to disappointment, sadness and never reaching your full potential.

10. Loneliness is never a good reason to be in a relationship

11. It's not what you fight about that kills your relationship - it's how you fight about it. Some couples divorce over the correct way to squeeze the toothpaste tube. Some couples grow closer together after working through infidelity. Relationship failure has more to do with how you handle the conflict than what causes the conflict.

12. You can turn any moment into a romantic moment

Romance is more often a choice than an effect of chemistry or serendipity.

13. Love is not a feeling

Love inspires action. Love is a verb. Love doesn't wait. Love doesn't think. Love doesn't feel. As Bob Goff says, "Love does."

14. When you love someone - truly love them - you don't seek to change them

You love all of them. You wouldn't buy a cat and then ask it to fetch and bark and wag its tail like a dog. Don't choose a person and ask them to be something other than what they are. That is not love.

15. Love is more about being complimentary than it is about being compatible

If you wanted to marry yourself, you'd be happy being single. It's ok to look for someone different than you. Celebrate the differences. They will make you a better version of yourself.

16. The best relationships require boundaries

Just like football, without rules of conduct, goals, out-of-bounds, and referees people get hurt and the game descends into chaos. It wouldn't be fun to play. It's important to set rules and create agreements in your relationship that make you feel safe and encourage fair play. More often than not, these rules even make the more enjoyable.

17. Love requires vulnerability

Sometimes the hardest thing to say is, "You hurt me." or "I screwed up and I need your forgiveness." Nobody will ever be able to fully accept and love you (faults and all) unless you first accept yourself enough to share your entire self with them. They can't accept and love a side of you they don't even know exists.

18. There is no magic recipe or formula for true love

There are as many recipes for true love as there are people who claim to have it. You get to make up your own rules. Don't hinder yourself by playing by someone else's.

19. Never hold back a compliment, and always think twice before criticizing

Appreciation and gratitude are rocket fuel for a relationship. Criticism is a cancer to love. Studies have shown that the most successful marriages have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. Next time you feel the need to say something negative, ask yourself if you've said 5 positive things since the last negative comment you made.

20. Forgive people quickly and often

(unless you're in an abusive relationship). Forgiveness doesn't mean the hurt goes away. It doesn't mean you forget what happened. It just means you stop punishing the other person for what she did. Let go. Move on. Give others the space and freedom to change.

21. Hard times often make the best memories and create the deepest, longest-lasting bonds. If you're suffering, suffer together. One day, the suffering will end, and you'll be glad you fought for each other instead of against.

22. There are few shortcuts to happiness... dancing is one of them

Rough day? Throw a dance party in the kitchen. Have a disagreement? Work it out while slow dancing in each other's arms. Don't know how to dance? Learning something new together is one of the best ways to bond.

23. Love knows no race, gender, age or religion

Love is the thing that unites us. We all want it. It is our common bond as human beings. Always remember, the person you hate has someone in his life that loves him dearly.

24. Sex is not love

Sex alone will not provide you lasting happiness. But sex is an incredible compliment to a loving, romantic relationship. The earlier sex is introduced into a relationship, the less likely they are to endure the test of time. Passion does not typically make for a very stable and enduring foundation for a long-term relationship.

25. Finding love is more about being the right person than finding the right person

Ask yourself what kind of person the person you want to be with is looking for. If you're not prepared to create the love you want, it's unlikely you'll be prepared to recognize the person who can help create it with you.

26. Love has nothing to do with wealth, beauty, affluence or prestige

There are plenty of rich, beautiful and powerful people in the world who are lonely, sad and loveless. And there are plenty of poor, unattractive, humble people who have a love greater than you could imagine.

27. One of love's greatest enemies is busyness

Show me what a man spends his time doing, and I'll show you what he loves. If the way you spend your time doesn't reflect what you say you value, it's time to either change the way you spend your time or change what you claim to value.

28. One of the best ways to have an incredible relationship is to surround yourself with other couples whose relationships you admire. Having a good mentor, coach or example will keep you in check, and give you something to aspire to. Just like you are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with, your relationship is the average of the 5 couples you spend the most time with.

29. Always have something to look forward to

It will keep you looking into the future and not wishing for, or analyzing the past. Whether it's a vacation, a date, or a class you want to take together, always have something positive on your radar in the not-too-distant future.

30. True love requires a generous helping of empathetic, judgement-free listening

If your partner has something difficult to tell you, and you react poorly (with anger or hostility), they will avoid telling you the hard truth in the future and opt instead for an easy lie. Lies undermine trust... which obliterates commitment... which destroys love. The way you listen and respond to the truth will reflect the long-term health and quality of your relationship.

31. Love is the absolute greatest thing we get to experience in this life

It's better than money or travel or pizza. It's more powerful than wars and hatred. It's more exhilarating than any roller coaster, and will teach you more about yourself than any university. Love will stretch you and break you and put you back together as the most beautiful version of yourself. Love is what gives life meaning and gives us purpose.

Please choose to love more.

This article originally appeared on The Loveumentary, but has been republished here with permission.

The post 31 life-in-love lessons in 31 years appeared first on FamilyToday.

Sometimes life refuses to go according to plan"¦

Six months ago I was engaged, and my plan for 2015 was to be married and living in cute little house with the woman of my dreams as we built our future life together.

Right now, I'm single and sitting in my parent's basement.

I've spent a lot of time contemplating what went wrong.

Life obviously did not go according to my plan.

We initially pushed back our wedding date in October to give ourselves some much-needed space and time. Three months later we decided it was best to call off our engagement entirely to allow ourselves to tackle some personal struggles.

I remember waking up the day after our breakup and realizing my worst nightmare had become a reality.(I literally had nightmares about calling off my engagement.)

I know, people break up all the time. Every day couples are calling off their engagements, or getting left standing at the altar, or going through struggles of infidelity, bankruptcy, loss, or even dead bedrooms.

Life goes on, right?

Well, none of those people have a project called The Loveumentary dedicated to learning and practicing the things that make amazing relationships a reality. (Or at least that's what I told myself.)

Needless to say, after the breakup I was really angry, confused and scared. I felt like a fraud. There were moments where I felt completely unworthy of love or that my heart would never heal.

It was pretty bad.

Breakups are horrible. Life is sometimes really really hard. Love is risky.

But getting hurt is not what this post is about.

This post is about having a plan"¦ and what happens when that plan goes horribly wrong

Like, the opposite-of-the-way-you-thought-plans-would-go kind of wrong. The what-the-heck-just-happened-are-you-freaking-kidding-me kind of wrong.

I have a foolproof plan"¦

I recently realized that every time I've had one of those shake-your-fist-at-the-sky-and-scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs moments it's because I've been attached to a specific outcome. I wanted something to happen really, really bad"¦ and despite all of my valiant efforts the thing did not happen.

I make plans all the time"¦ and here's what it sounds like inside my brain:

"I'm going to say/do A, and then she's going to say/do B, and then I'll respond with X, and thenshe'll see things my way, and we'll all be happy!"

Plans are simple, easy, straightforward.

If everyone followed my plans, life would be so much less painful, and everyone would be so happy!

Then I read this amazing quote by Dwight D. Eisenhower which led to a moment of exquisite clarity for me:

Plans are nothing. Planning is everything

Plans work the opposite of the way life works.

Life is chaotic, complex, and random. When pitted up against my plans, life always wins, and I lose.

Planning vs. Having a Plan

As I've reflected on the chaos that has been my life over the last several months, I've learned a valuable lesson: getting fixated on a plan generally leads to disappointment, but there is huge value in planning.

Planning involves preparing, considering all the possibilities and contemplating potential outcomes, then formulating a response for all of these circumstances.

Our love life is probably the area where we make the most "plans."

We have "a plan" for our honeymoon. We have "a plan" when we're going to buy a house. We have "a plan" for how romantic vacations will unfold, when we'll have kids, how many kids we'll have, and how well-behaved they'll be. We have plans about how our bodies will look, how much energy and money we'll have, and how our love will always feel easy.

If all we get attached to a plan of how we think life should be, our marriages and relationships will be fraught with disappointment, frustration, and conflict, because life happens, and our plans get destroyed.

Or as Mike Tyson said, "Everybody has a plan 'till they get punched in the face."

Instead, if you are rigorous in your planning - if you prepare and avoid getting attached to "a plan," - you can roll with the punches when it rains through your entire honeymoon, or when you can't afford a house in the first 5 years of your marriage, or when traffic or sickness threatens a romantic getaway. You can still find joy and happiness when you are surprised with twins, even very rambunctious twins, or when you put on weight or lose your hair, or even when your engagement falls to pieces.

If you're finding yourself being constantly disappointed or stressed or looking around wondering how the heck you got where you are and what happened to the life you thought you'd have, ask yourself the question, "Am I focused more on planning, or on living out my ideal plan?"

What can you do to start planning and preparing for the curveballs and bombshells of life? How can you educate yourself to handle jarring, unexpected situations with grace and poise? How can you develop the habit of seeing the good in everything"¦ even when life doesn't go according to "the plan?"

The post What to do when life doesn’t go according to plan appeared first on FamilyToday.