When I was 12 years old, I looked out my bedroom window of my apartment and made a deliberate decision: I wanted to be a mom. This wasn't a small decision. But I would never have guessed it would start a pattern of living that would eventually lead me to the marriage I wanted.

My pattern for my goal of motherhood

As a preteen, I saw my future in motherhood. So I began to study other moms. I was probably a bit stalker-like. I would watch with pierced focus. I would observe moms for as long as it took to get what I was looking for.

If I liked an interaction between a mom and her child, I would file it away to my mental "keepers" list as something I would use as a mom. If there was something that bothered me, like a reprimand in a car or at a grocery store, I would mentally walk myself through questions: Why don't I like what happened? What bothers me about the situation? What would I want as the child in that situation? What could the mom do that would make the child change? From my observations I formulated how I would mother.

I would user fewer but more meaningful rules. I would have rules based on a general understanding of respect for others instead of rules outlining specific permissions or limitations. I would never compare my children to their siblings. I would never use profanity directed toward them. I would keeping the conversation going when there was conflict.

I also decided there would only be a few things my children would leave our home with. I wanted my children to have an absolute knowledge that I loved them. They would know I believed in their greatness without hesitation. They would know I loved God and I could be relied on to tell them the truth. When I became a mom, I was able to achieve this. And as each child left the nest, they confirmed those beliefs at the time.

Little did I know, this same pattern would also hold true to reviving the marriage and romance I wanted as well.

My pattern for my goal of marriage

As my husband and I stood before the divorce judge, we made a last-ditch effort to turn back the hand of destruction and take a stand. We stopped the divorce proceedings and the judge wished us well.

Overall, my husband did not exactly engage the way I had hoped. This pushed me back to my old pattern I followed to become the mom I wanted to be.

My first step was admitting I love being in love. I envisioned a romance that was private, intimate, laughter-filled, quirky and honest.

The next step I took was watching other couples and making a list of the things I did and did not like. I found a general tenderness among the behaviors I liked. When there were things that bothered me, I would process the same questions as I did when I was young and preparing for motherhood.

I found windows of learning and discovered opportunities to apply my ideas. I saw my flaws flashing like bright neon signs. When there came a point when kind gestures and romantic overtures were not enough, I enlisted in formal education to fill in the gaps. Today, I have a toolbox of ideas and methods on how to save a marriage. I use them frequently.

Finally, I decided that should my marriage end, there were certain things I wanted my husband to know. I wanted him to know I loved him and believed he deserved the ultimate happiness. I wanted him to know I believed in him and that he could trust me without question.

This desire created a change in me - similar to that change that occurred in me as I stood by that window years earlier. Just like the pattern I created toward motherhood, I had developed a pattern toward my marriage. Those simple and easy steps reinvented my marriage. My marriage went from surviving to thriving. My actions literally gave my husband a reason to re-engage in our relationship.

Using the same steps I had applied as a 12-year-old, I created a pattern of marriage success. The pattern is simple and easy. It can be applied by anyone:

Your pattern for a successful marriage

1. Create a vision of a loving and romantic marriage by observing others.

2. Initiate processes to get the marriage you envisioned.

3. Regardless of your husband's shortcomings, look for your own limitations and improve them.

4. Make sure your husband knows you love him without question. Let him know he deserves happiness, you believe in him and he can trust you without hesitation.

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As a marriage mediator, I often hear women's stories about how they're struggling to stay afloat in their marriages. One woman described her decade-long marriage to me, and I immediately saw her courage and bravery in seeking help. She could have walked away from the marriage, but she didn't. She loved her husband but was unhappy and overwhelmed.

Have you, like this woman, ever committed so much time to others that you barely had time to breathe?

By all counts, her husband, children and even extended family were thriving from her constant care. She believed that whatever she did for others would come back to her tenfold, but it hadn't happened. She was waiting.

She was looking for karma to happen instead of creating it. With all of the buckets of love she willingly poured on others, she failed to be showered by one herself.

She required a mind shift to help her see she too needed attention and love. The beauty is, the remedy is self-care, which can be done practically solo.

Here are five tips for the struggling married woman.

1. Consider yourself at least once a day

You don't need perfection to be happy, but you need consideration. You are the most important part of the equation in your mission of giving to and caring for others. Failure to stand under a single stream of kindness will surely find you feeling empty.

Try five minutes of yoga stretching before bed or commit the first 10 minutes of every day to yourself. You can read a devotion in a spiritual book, meditate, listen to music, imagine happiness in your day and life or any number of things.

2. Acknowledge where you stand and where you've been

Sometimes when you're on a road that seems deep in service to others, you can forget to turn and look back. When you do look back, there are things to be celebrated like challenges lived through, ideas that changed people's lives, acts that were inspirational and times when grit was found beyond the edge.

Now, gain perspective by taking that view and looking at the road ahead. Make decisions that will give you more of what you want and take steps to prevent what left you hollow.

Jot down some things you would like to try, books you might like to read and some of the things you'd like to do. If you can't can't come up any of those things, focus on a feeling you would like to have. Do you want more thrill or awe or even motivation? Seeking those feelings might lead you to visiting outdoor markets or amusement parks. It may lead to looking through scenic photos or becoming the collector of them on a social media page. Perhaps you commit to attend two live motivational conferences in the year.

3. Ditch the cruel comparisons

Let's be honest, no time is a good time for cruel comparisons in marriage.

Chick-flicks are the best and worst when it comes to comparing. Beautiful women. Well-groomed men. Both making all the right moves and knowing exactly how to resolve the situation when they've flubbed. And don't get me started on how the men on the big screen communicate with just the right emotional temperature.

We compare our worst to their best, and we (and our husbands) always end up on the short end.

Be cautious of expecting your husband to suddenly change his behavior when you've created a well-oiled pattern for your marriage. Don't do negative self-talk because you ate ice cream and broke your diet rules.

There are so many factors at play when we choose to compare. Step back and breath. You might find that blindly following the crowd has left you holding their version of perfect. Decide for yourself what perfection means to you. What do you believe? How beautiful can you be? How do you express love? What is passion between you?

4. Welcome your limits

Everyone has them, and every marriage promises them. Life can have sparks once you accept the human side of you, your husband and your marriage. Just because someone else claims to be married to their best friend, fix breakfast every morning and iron their man's underwear, doesn't mean they set your standard of happiness.

Get more efficient in seeking what you want. If you want more romance in your marriage, take a class or join an online group. If you want to make more money, sit down and draft the plan to get there.

5. Take a break

Perhaps you need an entire day alone or together - either way, take a break. Marriage is weighed down with expectations about performance, income and behaviors. The calendar is filled with appointments, obligations and - whew! - the countless unexpected events and emergencies. Honestly, marriage takes a beating that needs a break. Look for slivers of time or take an entire day.

If you go it alone, do the things that mean rejuvenation to you. Hit the mall and stroll pointlessly. Visit a gallery and sit until it closes. Visit a friend and make appetizers.

If you have a day with your husband, eat at both places you'd each like to go to. Discuss which topics you don't want to talk about and which topics are vital to talk about. You could also simply bring up a positive, forgotten memory and see where that conversation goes. And don't forget to dream. Together, dream about the next escape day, a future job or income goals and retirement plans. Fill the time with the magic other days don't get.

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One of the greatest fears in a marriage is infidelity, and for good reason. The numbers show that anywhere from 45 to 70 percent of married people cheat. And what makes it worse is two-thirds of these cheaters' spouses are unaware.

Often, before anyone has any reason to be worried, the fear of being cheated on drills itself in, leading to accusations or wall-building between otherwise loving couples.

To avoid cheating and end the fear, here are four actions that help couples stay faithful.

1. Stop the wandering eye

A deliberate double look or tracking of another person only creates questions in the mind of your spouse. Instead, if you are in public together, make direct eye contact with your spouse, listen to the conversation, ask genuine questions and remain involved in the company sitting right in front of you.

Yes, there are other attractive people in the world. However, there is a difference between noticing someone's looks and full-on staring at a person.

While watching movies, for example, some spouses temporarily look away during questionable scenes or lean in to say something sweet to each other.

Wandering eyes and thoughts are a form of infidelity. Avoid this type of cheating at all costs.

2. Don't compare your spouse to anyone

When you compare your spouse to others, your partner naturally develops self-doubt. This causes them to close up and can create reluctance when it comes to intimacy.

If you find yourself tempted to compare, turn things around by genuinely complimenting your spouse on something you find attractive about them. Looking for the good in your spouse literally changes your brain. If your partner dismisses the compliment, stand by it by saying something like, "These are my feelings, and they are true."

3. Include your spouse in intimate moments

Do intimate things together.

Invite your spouse to join you in moments like prayer, Bible study, meditation and lazy days sitting out on the balcony. Spending this kind of time together causes a powerful energy to pass between you.

Also, recognize what is intimate to you may be very different from what is intimate to your husband or wife. Your spouse's intimate activities may be tinkering with or washing the car, running errands, taking a long drive or getting a greasy burger at a local drive-thru. Doing the types of activities that are intimate to your partner will strengthen your relationship and absolutely create depth between you.

4. Pray for yourself

Prayer is a proactive measure and a soul-searching device. Prayer certainly brings you protection, even when you are unaware of it.

Praying for your spouse during trials and hard times is a worthy practice. But, sometimes you can gain a great deal more by praying for yourself. Pray to see the good in life and in people, to ban judgment and assumptions from your mind or even to understand your own weaknesses. Pray for strength, power and the ability to overcome temptation, negativity or any other evil force. These spiritual actions will then spill over into your marriage and create protection there.

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