The boy's eyes averted my gaze as he walked into my office. I knew that something was amiss. He spoke of his mother and his concern for her. He did not know what would happen.

Children often do not know why they are anxious; they just know that they are experiencing discomfort. We may notice what is happening before they are able to express their feelings verbally. The following actions give us a clue:

• Asking what-if questions

• Doing repetitive preparations

• Needing objects for security, either to hold or hide behind

• Stuttering or mumbling

• Dropping things, tripping, or falling

• Looking down to avoid eye contact, or looking elsewhere, as if wary of danger

• Shoulders slumped forward

Anxious feelings are based on doubt and fear. When we are filled with fear, our body systems try to protect our delicate organs. Our extremities become cold. We are drained of energy, and we move differently than when we are strong and confident.

As adults, we have a profound effect on the children in our world. When they are anxious, there are many things we can do to help calm their minds and hearts. Here are ten solutions:

1. Get down on the child's level

Our proximity alone provides the child with a sense of importance. When we are close to them and look them in the eye, we let them know that whatever is troubling them is important to us.

2. Talk softly and slowly

The tone of our voice, its cadence and rhythm will either escalate the child's anxiety or provide a calming influence. Talking softly allows us to be on more intimate terms with the child. Speaking slowly soothes jittery nerves and slows the heart rate.

3. Listen actively

Once we are close and personal with the child, they will feel comfortable sharing their innermost feelings. We nod and comment to let the child know we are hearing what is being said. Our undivided attention encourages open dialogue and allows the ready sharing of thoughts and feelings.

4. Reflect what is being said

Reflecting back to the child what we hear they are saying or feeling gives them words to identify fears and verbalize discomfort. We add understanding to the situation and help the child work through it more effectively.

5. Give physical affection, if and when appropriate

Our soft touch will provide feelings of comfort and help them to relax. Note that this is only appropriate if we have a relationship of trust with the child and are a close relative or friend.

6. Provide reassurance

Words that provide reassurance include, but are not limited to the following phrases: "Things will be all right," "I am sure that you will find out soon," "It's okay to be afraid," and "You are important to me. I will stay with you while we work this out."

7. Breathe deeply together

Deep breathing allows the body to relax and alleviates anxious feelings. When we breathe deeply with the child, we are teaching them a calming technique and giving them a pattern to follow when they are alone.

8. Pray together

Prayer activates our faith and dispels doubt and fear. Praying with an anxious child gives them the confidence to approach God on their own when they are having difficulty.

9. Make preparations for future events

Preparing provides concrete action that calms anxious feelings. It gives us something to do while we are waiting for an event to happen, especially when we do not know what the outcome will be.

10. Check in with the child after the event

Our presence after a difficult event gives the child a chance to process what happened and transfer positive memories for long-term storage and later retrieval. When we let them know that they continue to be important to us we increase their feelings of confidence and worth.

As I listened to the boy talk about his mother, I reflected back to him his love and concern for her. We did some deep breathing together, and he left my office reassured that things would work out, and that he could come to me as needed to discuss his feelings.

These ten ways not only calm an anxious child, but they give the most important gift that we as adults have to give, our unconditional love. Like a gentle spring rain, we provide life giving nourishment that has a profound effect on the children in our world. We know that we have succeeded when we see them providing the same service to their peers!

The post 10 ways to help anxious children appeared first on FamilyToday.

News flash:

"Shooter enters shopping mall and opens fire. Thirty-seven dead, many others wounded."

"Entire family killed in head-on collision. Accident caused by intoxicated driver. He survives."

"Woman found dead in apartment. Investigation reveals cause as suicide."

"Hurricane wipes out entire village. Hundreds left homeless."

With more than 300 mass shootings this year in the United States alone, the chances that someone we love will be torn by tragedy increases daily. Add to it deaths by suicide, drunk driving, airplane crashes and natural disasters, and the odds increase dramatically.

What will we do when we receive that phone call, text or knock on the door telling us that someone we love is in danger or no longer with us? How will we respond when one of our own is hurting?

In our shock, disbelief and horror, we know we need to act, but how? The acrostic COMPASSION gives us 10 ways we can be of assistance:

C - Come now!

When tragedy strikes someone we love, our immediate response is crucial. Our presence is a calming influence. We provide a sense of stability while the rest of the world is crashing down around them.

O - Open the mouth

Keeping what we say simple is key since our words can make or break our relationships with those who are hurting. There are 3 basic messages we should give:

1. I love you.

2. I care about what is happening to you.

3. I will help you get through this difficult time.

M - Monitor daily activities

During a tragedy, daily routines are interrupted. The focus on personal health and well-being is lost in the chaos of the present circumstances. Our job as helpers is to make sure our loved ones have nutritious meals, plenty of rest and necessary medical protocol.

P - Pray for all involved in the tragedy

Praying for our loved ones helps them feel peace in the midst of the storm. Our prayers in their presence tell them we know God will be there for them. It also reminds them they can pray on their own for needed comfort, peace and guidance.

A - Ask the hard questions

Sometimes it is necessary to ask difficult questions. Tragedy leaves families in a state of shock. We may think of something that needs to be done that has been overlooked. Asking about the issue, brings it to their attention, and gives us the opportunity to help them find a resolution.

S - Smile

Tragedy takes away our reasons to smile. Making the effort to smile at the right moment lightens the atmosphere and gives permission to those hurting to find humor in a difficult situation. Laughter releases valuable feel-good hormones in our brains, a comic relief they need more than just about anything.

S - Share positive memories

If the family has lost a loved one, and when they are ready to talk about their loved one's past, we can bring back positive memories by sharing photos and reminiscing. This can offer some relief and help them have a better perspective on the present.

I - Ignore little offenses

Be careful not to take offense if things are said or done that grate on the nerves. When tragedy is raw, people sometimes do not think before they speak. Decisions are made that just don't make sense. Toes get stepped on, and feelings get easily hurt. Don't dwell on it. Let it go.

O - Offer options to explore

Adjustments must be made in order for life to go on after a tragedy. Allow loved ones to explore options and offer possibilities for them to consider. At first, when anger and frustration are high, options may seem extreme. This is normal. As things settle down, more reasonable thinking returns.

N - Never give up

The grieving process takes time. Everyone goes about it in his or her own way. Our grief may take a different course than that of those we love. This is okay. Continuing to help others work through grief helps us to work through our own.

After a tragedy, compassion is literally emotional first aid. When we remember how love is constant, we help bring relief to those we care about, while giving peace to our own souls. After all, that is what the life of Jesus was all about-compassion.

The post 10 ways to help others when tragedy strikes appeared first on FamilyToday.

Emotional pain can be worse than physical pain. When we feel physical pain, we can do something about it; we clean the wound, put on some sterile dressing and give it some time to heal. Whether it is a muscle cramp, a broken bone or a laceration, there is a remedy that will facilitate the healing process.

Heartache is different

The pain of heartache stings to our very soul. Our hopes and dreams have been dashed to pieces. Like Humpty Dumpty falling off the wall, all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put him back together again. When our heart breaks, it feels as if we have lost a part of ourselves.

Our first response is to blame, criticize or condemn. First, we turn against the person who is gone. When we realize that doesn't solve the problem, we turn on ourselves. We argue that we deserve it, for surely we are not good enough!

We feel vulnerable and find ourselves susceptible to every look and comment. In order to mask the vulnerability, we adopt self-defeating behaviors. We sleep in, overeat, withhold positive self-talk and make ourselves do things that are difficult, scary or cruel.

We think that if we inflict enough emotional pain on ourselves, either we will feel better or perhaps someone will come to our rescue. They will feel sorry for us, bind up our wounds and give us the love that we desperately need. Unfortunately, these types of relationships don't solve heartaches; they create more of them!

Healing is possible

"One day while I was lying in bed, nursing my heartache and waiting for the world to end, I heard a knock above my head. I looked up, but there was nothing on the headboard that could have fallen to make the sound. I knew it was God. He was telling me, 'Get up! Stop moping around and do something!'"

Although time may assuage the pain, a heartache does not heal itself. The heart is the very center of the soul; it is the connecting link between the spirit and the body. The person we love becomes a part of us. When they leave, we feel a deep sense of loss, and the pain may seem unbearable.

The only way to fill the hole left by a heartache is to turn to God. This requires that we become humble, willing, obedient and serve others.

Humility

The pain of heartache brings us to our knees. We realize our dependence upon God, and acknowledge that we cannot overcome this difficulty on our own. We need Him to help us. We give Him our burden of weakness and imperfection, and express our desire to be healed.

Willingness

We accept our imperfect state, and open our minds and hearts to God's healing power. We give all that we have to Him in exchange for His unconditional love. Our souls are bathed with the peace "which passeth all understanding" Philippians 4:7.

Obedience

We truly can feel whole and complete once again. The bitterness of the heartache will subside. We can show our gratitude to God by taking His hand and walking with Him, knowing that no matter what happens, He is there for us.

Service

As we serve others, our feelings of love for them will increase and we will desire to help those that are in pain. Finding ways to give helps fill the emptiness that our heartache left behind. We will feel a renewed sense of purpose, joy and happiness in life.

Heartaches are not the end of the world if we don't allow them to be. They are simply one more way for us to become closer to God. As we do so, we find that there are many others who walk similar paths, and that our experience can be used to help them.

The post Why self-inflicting emotional pain doesn’t heal heartache appeared first on FamilyToday.

The sun glinting off the knives brought me back to my senses. How could I even think of ending my own life? I had everything I ever needed! What more could there be? Why did I feel so worthless?

Aware of the danger of suicidal thoughts, I placed the knives in the drawer and called the clinic. I instructed the children to take care of the dinner that was cooking on the stove. Everything would be OK; I would be back shortly.

I told the doctor about the knives, and much to my surprise, he admitted me to the local mental health unit. I was put into a steel room, one with no furniture or windows, only a mattress on the floor. When I called my husband and told him where I was, he didn't understand. How could this be happening?

I was finally able to live a normal life after my recent surgery. My ill health had become a thing of the past and I was able to do everything I had been putting off. The problem was that I didn't know how to live. Without the boundaries of my illness giving me a system of checks and balances, I had given all that I had and then some. I felt alone, empty and unfulfilled. I cried bitter tears of regret.

My time in the mental health unit taught me that I could not blame anyone else for my unhappiness. I had to discover what was happening inside of me. I found that my feelings of worthlessness came when I fell into certain distorted thinking patterns, overworked myself, and did not attend to my own personal needs.

My husband, Dan, also realized that there were some things he could do to help me.

Say "thank you"

Dan's acknowledgement of my efforts in his behalf, and on behalf of our family, took on new meaning after my mental health crisis. When I did resume my household duties, they were much more appreciated.

Work together

It meant a great deal to me when my Dan would lend a helping hand with the cleaning, dishes and household maintenance without being asked to do so. The tasks became a shared burden, and the load was definitely lightened. More importantly, my feelings of worth increased when I felt that he cared for my health and well-being.

Encourage the children to be helpful

In his desire to lift my load, Dan encouraged the children to be more helpful. When they saw him pitch in, they, too, were more willing to help with their household duties. When we worked together as a family, things were done much more quickly.

Share affection

Dan would walk up behind me while I was cooking or doing dishes and give me a hug. This sharing of affection soothed my troubled spirit and helped me to relax as I was putting forth effort on his and the children's behalf. I felt more loved and appreciated when he exhibited personal attraction to me as his companion.

Assure me of my worth

When I did talk about feeling like I wasn't worth anything, Dan would listen to my feelings, and then assure me that I was worthwhile to him, our family and to the Lord. He helped me to remember that what I was doing as a wife and mother was important, not just now, but eternally.

Allow me to pursue my hobbies and interests

When Dan suggested that I join a club or take some time to do what I wanted to do, I felt a sense of freedom. I was able to enjoy being with friends, and at the same time, develop my talents and abilities without feeling that I had taken something away from the family in the process. Our children could see my happiness increase, and encouraged my involvement as well.

Take time to be together

Dan helped me make arrangements for our children's needs so that he could take me with him on outings. I felt more fulfilled as a spouse, and as a mother of my children, because he took the time to do something with me that we both enjoyed.

The efforts of my husband in my behalf helped to reduce my default thoughts of worthlessness. He never complained when I went to my appointments, because he knew how much I needed the additional support and strength the doctors and counselors provided.

I learned that in relationships, it is important to replace "I" with "We." When my husband and I worked together, both in our household responsibilities and in teaching and caring for our children, we fortified our marriage and strengthened one another.

During this difficult time in our lives, we learned firsthand that both husband and wife are critically important in the family unit - not just in the duties each fulfills, but in the support and strength we give to one another!

The post How my husband helped when I felt worthless appeared first on FamilyToday.

We already had seven children, what business did we have wanting to open our home to others? Yet the billboards on the highway beckoned each time we saw them, and we knew that we were being summoned for a work that was beyond what we originally envisioned for our family.

We called the phone number and within a few days, we and our home were being assessed for suitability by county officials. The paperwork we completed reviewed every aspect of our lives and our home. We reported our health history, parenting style and philosophy, and our desire to take children from difficult backgrounds and situations into our home.

We had to ask ourselves the following questions:

Is your home ready?

Foster parenting is usually administered on the county level, with licensing requirements determined by the State Human Services Agency. An example of a state foster care handbook is found on the North Dakota State Government website.

The place of residence must be checked for fire safety standards, including fire alarms, extinguishers, two exits in each sleeping room (door and window) with ladders or fire escapes for upper levels, and adequate insurance coverage. Having sufficient bathroom facilities for the number of bedrooms is also a must. Your family will need their own privacy, and the foster child will as well.

The location of the home will be examined for proximity to schools, medical facilities and county services. Foster families are integrally involved in the lives of the children for which they care. Many have school issues the foster parents will be involved in. There may be frequent medical appointments, counseling sessions and team meetings at the county offices.

A family home assessment completed by the local county social services will determine if the home is adequate for use in foster care. For our family, this meant adding fire alarms, fire extinguishers, making an escape ladder for the second floor of our home and establishing an escape route that was practiced on a regular basis.

Is your family ready?

Children come into the foster care system for a number of reasons, the majority of which include family difficulties. Some are abused, neglected or abandoned. Others come into the system due to mental, physical or emotional problems. Still others may have become orphans and need a place to stay as there are no relatives that can provide a home for them (information taken from the Foster Care portion of the North Dakota Human Services website).

No matter why a child comes into foster care, that child has been affected emotionally by the circumstance. Bringing a child into your home that is in this difficult state requires readiness on the part of your family. The following questions need to be addressed:

• Does your family have the ability to love others unconditionally?

• Will your family be distressed by the child's reference to his or her difficulty?

• Is your family able to rally around someone in need and help them cope?

• Will your children be able to share their home, food and belongings with a complete stranger?

• Can you overlook the weaknesses of the child and help him to develop his strengths?

Foster care requires flexibility, good parenting skills, time and energy. There must be a genuine concern for the health and well-being of children and their families. Your family will be evaluated for financial stability, health and well-being (both mental and physical), parenting skills and the ability to assist the child with needed schooling, medical care, legal issues and planning for their future.

We were deeply humbled at the response of our family to the foster children that were brought into our home. Our children rallied around them in love, listened to their stories, were amazed by what they learned and helped them feel at home. They took these children by the hand and helped them to integrate into school, church and community settings. They were friends with them when others turned their backs.

We found that being foster parents helped us to appreciate what we had as a family. We were able to see the good in our own children and rally our family in behalf of returning these children to theirs. It brought us a great deal of satisfaction.

Is your heart ready?

The goal of foster parenting is to return the child to her original birth family. Because of this goal, a child may be removed from the foster home at a moment's notice. Foster parents need to be prepared for a roller-coaster ride of feelings, including a willingness to love the children in their care as one of their own, but the flexibility to let them go as circumstances in their own homes improve.

Foster parents spend a great deal of time with and in behalf of their foster children. They advocate at the school, meeting with school officials and teachers in an effort to help the child be successful. They spend time helping the child complete homework and prepare for daily school requirements.

They accompany foster children to medical and counseling appointments, see to it that the child takes his or her medication, follows instructions and learns those skills required for living a successful life. There may be times when a foster child is found to lie, cheat or steal from his foster parents. There are also times when love and gratitude are shown in unexpected ways.

Foster parenting is difficult. The children come into the system in all shapes and sizes, colors and flavors. There are moments of elation where a choice is made indicating that the foster child listened and learned from the things they were taught. These moments are interspersed with moments of disappointment, when old habits come back in spite of efforts made to correct or address them.

The compensation for foster parenting is not meant to be payment, rather to assist in providing for the needs of an extra child in the home. The rewards of seeing your own family come together in behalf of a child who needs a home is worth more than money can buy!

The post Are you ready for foster parenting? appeared first on FamilyToday.

The community was shocked and angered when they realized that two of their own had perpetrated the heinous act of violence. One of the gunmen turned on himself, slicing his own throat after being tracked down by authorities. The other was found a week later as he committed other illegal activities.

The school was only a few blocks away. The principal, apprised of the situation, gathered resource personnel to work with the children as they mourned for their friends and classmates who had lost their lives. Teachers and staff members alike also needed intervention as they grieved the loss of those they loved and served.

Those directly affected by tragedy often feel vulnerable, as if they have been stripped, beaten and wounded themselves. It may be that loved ones are gone from their lives, seemingly forever. Perhaps treasured possessions have been destroyed, or privacy violated. In each case, the very essence of life has been trampled upon as if it were meaningless. For a moment, time stands still, and sorrow is all there is.

This story is told more often than we realize. Events that we thought were once confined to countries across the globe are invading our everyday existence. We never know who the next victims will be, or the next perpetrators. Where can one find peace? Who can we trust?

Victims are plagued by fear and anger

Tragedy leaves in its wake intense fear. A fear that the perpetrator will return; fear that another tragedy will take place; fear that personal needs will not be met; or fear that one is not good enough to go on. The victim often personalizes these fears, interpreting what has happened as a punishment for wrong-doing. Soul searching brings up incidents where something could have or should have been done to prevent the tragedy. This leads to self-blame and excessive guilt.

Grief may be manifest in the form of anger at those who perpetrated the act of violence, and anyone associated with them. If the crime was heavily publicized, members of the media may come to haunt the family of those who died in an effort to find out how they are feeling and how they will deal with the trauma. Unfortunately, their vulnerability may be manifest as hostility and lack of forgiveness.

Those who are victims of natural disasters have similar feelings. Their anger may be turned toward God, questioning how bad things could happen to good people. Seeing oneself as a victim in tragic circumstances brings feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness - the opposite of peace. Identity is lost in a sea of confusion, not knowing where to turn for help.

Life's most pressing questions come to the forefront

As the dust settles and the shock wears off, tragedy often leads to questions about the meaning and purpose of life. Relationships and circumstances have changed to the point that previous ways of seeing ourselves are no longer valid. Questions come to mind such as Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going? Some even wander around lost for a time, unable to resolve their current feelings of grief and pain.

In the article, Moving on After Tragedy, the author illustrates how the various ways of seeing the self are torn away by tragedy. Rather than identifying ourselves by our relationships, what we do, how we feel or what we look like, it is necessary to find a core identity where all of these things don't matter. We must find an identity that will withstand any storm or circumstance that comes, and we are still considered to be a worthwhile human being.

As we turn to God in our extremity, we grow in our understanding of the atonement

John F. Westfall, in his book Getting Past What You'll Never Get Over, speaks of the unfairness of life, and how tragedy leaves us without the ability to trust others. We never know when our heart will be dashed to pieces by the acts of another person, or when we will be let down by some thoughtless act or words that hurt. How can we go on? He notes that the Bible does not tell us to trust other people; rather it tells us to love others and to trust God.

Those who turn to God in their tragedy find that there is someone who understands, who has firsthand knowledge of what they have been through, and is ready and willing to provide comfort. As knowledge and understanding is sought through prayer, pondering and searching the scriptures, companionship is found.

We see our Savior, Jesus Christ, hanging on the cross, suffering beyond anything we can imagine, and suddenly, our pain becomes swallowed up in his pain. We realize that he does know, he does understand, and he does love us. He, who lived a sinless life was taken, beaten, stripped, wounded, spit upon, and crowned with thorns; all because of his love for us.

Life takes on new meaning as we realize that there is purpose in our existence. For some reason, we are still alive, and out of respect and honor for those whose lives were not spared, we become better people. We know that life is fragile, and that at any moment, we may go back to our maker. We feel a greater sense of responsibility for the life around us. We find ways to make ourselves and the world a better place as far as we are able.

Then our minds and hearts begin to feel benevolence for others, in spite of the uncertainty that surrounds us. We hear the words of the Savior found in John 14:27: "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."� It no longer matters what happens, we feel love as never before in our lives, and at last, we have peace.

The post Finding peace after a tragedy appeared first on FamilyToday.

Michael Baron, author of the "Your Money"� column found in the Farm and Ranch Guide works with families involved in farming and ranching to transition their estates to the next generation. He writes that equality is not necessarily fairness.

Taking a farm and dividing it equally among siblings does not allow for the success of the farming child any more than taking a piano and cutting it into equal pieces and handing them out allows children to continue developing their talents and abilities. It is necessary to be practical as well as fair (see Take time to add up the numbers to come up with a fair plan).

With this in mind, my husband and I decided it was time to create our estate documents. We know several people who have died suddenly of heart failure at ages similar to ours, and we felt we needed to be prepared. Reading Baron's columns, we knew that it would not be easy. We have seven grown children; several are married, and others are still trying to find their way in the world. Baron advocates the following:

Step One: Take Inventory

Baron created the Confidential Survey as an inventory tool. He has his clients complete the survey before meeting with him. It helps them to see clearly what they have and determine a monetary value for their assets. It has a place for the calculation of liabilities and how they fit in with net worth. On the last page, there is a place for the family to indicate their goals and desires.

We made a list of all our property, financial accounts, vehicles, and household items of value. For our family, this list included a number of musical instruments, including a piano, several trumpets, a banjo, accordion, violin, and some antique silver clarinets. We also have a garage full of tools, an extensive library of books, and furniture for two homes.

Our biggest concern was for the wellbeing of one of our children who has disabilities. We wanted to make sure that her needs would be met should something happen to either or both of us. Since we are her legal guardians, we needed to have a contingency plan for her living arrangements and care.

Step Two: Determine the Value

Before we could discuss what to do with the things on our inventory list, we needed to determine the value of these items. According to Baron, value is not just calculated in monetary worth, but also in emotional investment. Family members may have put time and effort into certain items, making those items more valuable in their eyes. Other items have value because of who originally owned them, such as heirlooms handed down from grandparents.

As we looked at our inventory, we realized that certain family members may have attached greater meaning and worth to certain items. With equity and fairness first and foremost in our minds, we wanted to help our children meet their individual and family needs. Because their talents and abilities vary a great deal, we could see that the distribution of our assets should follow a particular path.

Step Three: Discuss the Future

Baron helps his clients prepare for a worst case scenario. In our case, if something happened to both me and my husband, who would care for our dependent daughter? We discussed this issue with our children, and the oldest in the family stepped forward, expressing willingness to have her move in with them should the necessity arise, and the second oldest agreed to be contingent.

Once this was determined, we were able to decide which of our assets were required to provide a monetary foundation that would generate income for her lifetime. These were labeled to be put into a trust with the two oldest living children (at any given time) as trustees. They both agreed to the responsibility.

We also looked at the possibility of one or both of us becoming physically unable to care for each other or our estate. Power of Attorney documents, both financial and medical were provided as part of our estate planning package. These allowed us to name someone to take care of our estate in the event that we were unable to do so for any length of time.

Step Four: Make a Plan

We found an estate planning website (LegacyWriter.Com) that allowed us to create legal documents ourselves for a nominal fee. The step-by-step process was simply a matter of entering the information that we had decided upon during our inventory process. Once the documents were created, we were able to download them to our computer and edit them as needed.

The online program allowed for specific gifts to be given in our individual wills. We realized that each of our children had unique talents and abilities that matched the various items in our assets. These we distributed accordingly. We also designated certain heirloom items for each child. We wanted each to have something that had belonged to one of their grandparents.

We talked with our children about what they would be receiving and how they felt about the process. Thankfully, our children were willing to accept our decisions, and felt that we were being fair. Since we took into consideration their unique situations during the process, they seemed to be pleased with the outcome. Time will tell!

The post Keeping inheritances equal among adult children appeared first on FamilyToday.

When I asked her the secret, she reminded me that I would not always have small children at home. I went home with renewed determination and found that there were small things that would help keep my house clean. The following principles revolutionized my way of thinking:

Make use of the soapy water

Any time you have soapy water in the sink, grab a cleaning rag and wipe something down. In the bathroom, wipe the tub, toilet or shower. In the laundry room, wipe the door, washer, dryer or wall.

When you finish the dishes, use the soapy water to wipe down something extra such as a cupboard, appliance or chair. Each time you do dishes, take a few moments and use the water to clean something that needs it.

If there is a spill, clean it up immediately, no matter where in the house. Teach your family to do the same.

Think in terms of tasks rather than rooms

Lump tasks together according to the equipment needed and the procedure to follow. Rather than cleaning the entire living room at once, choose to dust several rooms in one session or plug the vacuum into a central outlet and vacuum several rooms rather than just one.

Keep cleaning supplies handy in each room - especially bathrooms, laundry rooms, and utility areas. The less distance you have to go to get them, the more often they will be used.

Designate laundry dates and times. Wash certain things on certain days. That way there are only a couple of batches to do at a time, rather than a mountain that takes hours.

De-clutter at the end of the day before everyone goes to bed. Have family members put their own things away, then the house is ready for the next day.

Use peak energy times for cleaning as well as fun

Do one cleaning task each time you exercise. Your body is already in high gear, and the additional movement of the cleaning task adds to the benefit of the exercise session.

Connect cleaning up with any activity that makes a mess. Use the high energy created by the activity to finish with clean up.

Make cleaning time together time. Keep the lines of communication open as you share household tasks with family members.

Reward yourself for a job well done

Reward yourself each cleaning cycle. Have some ice-cream, go to the dollar store, read a book or watch a movie. Allow yourself to feel the satisfaction of a job well done.

Build reward times and activities into the schedule for those who help around the house. Give points that can be exchanged for cash or privileges such as use of technology or time with friends. Let children know that you appreciate their efforts, and that they are providing you a service. Keeping the house clean is a family affair.

Housecleaning does not have to be drudgery. It is simply work that needs to be done. Allowing yourself to do it regularly in small chunks rather than setting aside hours at a time makes it much more pleasant. Involving family members in the process enables all to feel shared responsibility for the upkeep of the home and gives family members a sense of pride in a job well done.

The post Easy tricks for keeping your house clean appeared first on FamilyToday.

Suicide is a tragedy, and just like any tragedy, must be processed and dealt with in the moment. Whether it is someone your family knows personally, or read about in the media, the news of the suicide will bring questions to the minds of your children. As you process through these questions, look for attitudes and feelings that may indicate family members need professional assistance.

Why do people commit suicide?

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, "Every 13.7 minutes someone in the United States dies by suicide." Although alarming, these statistics have been consistent since 1993, with 10-12 deaths by suicide per 100,000. The rates per capita increase with age, the highest number committing suicide between the ages of 45-64."

"Ninety percent of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable and treatable psychiatric disorder at the time of their death." (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention). Suicide is the result of a combination of biological, environmental, and mental circumstances that culminate in feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. The person takes their own life to escape a no-win situation.

When children ask why people commit suicide, it is best to respond by telling them that the person who committed suicide was not thinking normally. Most likely, they had a mental health disorder that left them feeling hopeless and worthless.

Check your child's facial expressions

Some children will shrug it off, as just another piece of information. If a child looks down, looks away, or sheds tears, even though the person who died may not be close to them, ask if there was a time when the child felt this way.

If the response is affirmative, talk about what happened and what the child did to overcome those feelings. If the child was not able to overcome, and the feelings continue to persist, if there is reason to believe that the child has been bullied or abused in some way, seek professional assistance.

Provide reassurance that you are there for your child, and will do what you can to help. Let the child know that you will listen at any time there is a need to talk about these feelings. Be aware of what the child is doing, especially when alone. Watch for signs of self-harm or abuse, such as unexplained cuts and bruises.

What happens to people who commit suicide?

Young children do not understand the permancy of death. They will only see that the person is no longer present. Pre-teens and teenagers may understand that they will never see the person again, but they are also prone to copy-cat behavior and experimentation, not realizing the possible consequences of their actions.

Ask your child what she thinks will happen

Responses may include that the person "goes to hell," or "the bad place." The common assumption is that if someone dies by suicide, they are no longer worthy to be considered a Christian, and that they are rejected by the Savior.

Explain to the children that suicide is like any other death. The person's spirit and body are separated at death. The body is put into the grave, and the spirit returns to its origins, or heaven. Only God can judge what happens after that. We cannot. Although we may know some of the circumstances surrounding the death of the person, all we can do is love those who are left to mourn.

Watch for signs of grief, especially if the children were close to the person

There may be crying, anger, frustration, or sadness manifested at different times and in different ways. Young children may regress in their behavior by having bathroom accidents, or acting out through opposition. Teenagers may become sullen, withdrawn or even cover up with humor and sarcasm.

Grief takes time to heal, and tends to be cyclical. Allowing children to openly talk about their feelings helps the process to move forward. If a child does not work through grief, and the emotional state becomes static, affecting areas of life outside the family setting, seek professional assistance from a licensed social worker or counselor.

What would you do if I committed suicide?

This question may come as a shock to the parent. Be careful how you respond. If necessary, stop, and wait for your own feelings to subside. The best thing to do is say, "I love you! I would never want you to feel like you are worthless, and that there wasn't something that could be done to help you. Promise me, that you will never do anything to hurt yourself or someone else!"

Let your children know that they are precious to you. Turning to drugs, alcohol or suicide is not the answer if they are feeling unloved or unworthy. No matter what happens, problems have solutions, and it is possible to get the help that we need. Reassure your children that everything you do in your family is for their benefit, and that prevention is possible.

Talk about things that they can do to help them work through their feelings when they are having a difficult time. The article "Which Comes First, Depression, Drug Abuse, or Suicide?" outlines the following:

• Proper rest

• High quality nutrition

• Daily exercise

• Support networking

• Communicating

• Listening to music

• Journaling thoughts and feelings

• Shifting focus of negative to positive

• Deep breathing and relaxation

Life and death happen. Help your children understand that thoughts of death and dying are not problematic in and of themselves. But, if they should feel that ending their own life is the only way out, it is time to get help.

The post What to tell your child when someone you know commits suicide appeared first on FamilyToday.

"Guilty." The lawyer repeated, pounding his fist.

"Guilty." The witness admitted, hanging his head.

The familiar scene shows a courtroom filled with angry people, crying out for justice to be done. Although it may be a Hollywood exaggeration, it is often repeated in our own households. We become judge and jury to those in our families and mete out punishment as if we, too, were in a courtroom.

What happens to the family member who is convicted when they leave our presence? What memories will he hold in his heart? What legacy will she lean on when she is lonely and afraid? Will she think of our love, or will he hear us saying:

"I can't believe you did that! What were you thinking?"

"You shouldn't have. You knew better."

"When are you going to learn?"

According to the article How to Protect Your Family From Your Own Guilty Conscience, "Guilt is the body's red flag letting you know you have done something wrong." The guilt response brings discomfort for a purpose. Changing actions for the right makes the discomfort go away. Unfortunately, when guilt is associated with shame and ridicule, the darkness lingers, even after the individual has made steps to right the wrong.

In such cases, the guilt mechanism is known to malfunction, leading to self-punishment and self-critical thoughts and attitudes that become a "guilty conscience," permeating the life of the individual. As noted in Fault Finding and Physical Punishment by Parents Leads to Unproductive Guilt in Children, a number of factors come into play, including parental action, perfectionistic personality traits, and distorted thinking patterns. All manifest themselves in the form of fault-finding, blame, criticism of others, and ridicule.

Due to the highly negative nature of the thought patterns coming from the guilty conscience, automatic reactions are at risk of causing physical or emotional harm to family members. Check for the following:

• The desire to control the actions of others.

• Thoughts of being wronged.

• Assumptions that your loved ones are intentionally "out to get you."

• Fear of things not turning out the way you want.

These thought patterns are warning signs that indicate you are making assumptions based on incorrect information. Stop and regroup. Take 10 deep breaths. Choose not to act based on your current state of mind. Whether you are a parent who has brought emotional baggage from your childhood, someone who has been abused in a previous relationship, or a sibling who has witnessed horrific mistreatment of others, you can stop the cycle of abuse.

First and foremost, stop criticizing yourself

The best way to do this is to picture a stop sign in your mind every time self-criticism occurs. This technique is called "Thought Stopping" and is one of the "tools" from the Stop, Look, and Listen Emotional Survival Kit. Replace the self-critical thought with an expression of gratitude. For example:

Thought: "I am such a terrible parent. My children acted like animals in that restaurant. They're going to get it when we get home."

Replacement: "Whew, I'm glad that is over. Before we go to a restaurant again, we'll need to have some practice at home."

As you change the focus from self-criticism to gratitude, the bad feelings will give way to good ones, and you will feel self-acceptance. You will find that throughout each day there are numerous opportunities where positive thought replacements can be made. The guilt gives way to unconditional love.

Second, trade "should" for "want to"

If your thoughts are filled with the things you "should," "need to," or "have to" be doing for your family, trade them for "I want to." Rather than being a slave to required tasks say, "Iwant to fix dinner tonight," "I want to do the laundry today," and "Iwant to be happy." This simple change will transform your guilt into pleasure in your accomplishments.

Use your free will and choice to create a positive atmosphere for yourself and family. Find ways to enjoy being together. When family members do things that require correction, teach them instead of using shame or ridicule for punishment. Show them the skills needed to accomplish the tasks you desire of them. Fill their minds with pleasant memories of your interaction with them and you will find happiness.

Third, replace threats with requests

Rather than telling family members that they must do it "or else," use the power of suggestion. "I would appreciate it if you would..." Point out the positive results of the desired actions. Then, give family members time to comply. Give attention through affirmation when you notice them doing what you wanted. "You swept the floor and emptied the garbage. The kitchen looks clean."

As you stop the negative effects of your guilty conscience by replacing criticism with gratitude, trading "shoulds" for "wants" and replacing threats with requests, you will find that the atmosphere in your home will change from feelings of ill will to pleasantness and peace.

The post Unresolved guilt and its impact on the family appeared first on FamilyToday.