Dear Poverty,

Thank you.

There are numerous things I know now that I didn't know until you were breathing down my neck.

I needed that breath.

You see, I never did understand what my Dad meant when he said things like, "Do you want it or do you need it?" and I never understood why my mom would always tell me how lucky I was to grow up with a pool, and horse, and a nice house.

I didn't get it until we met.

Here are a few gems I must thank you for:

1. I don't need it

Learning to do without is not glamorized in America. But it is a beautiful thing. Poverty forces people to let go of "keeping up with the Jones's." No more rat racing, no more competing for material. Very liberating.

2. The best things in life are free

Like the LIBRARY!! I must thank poverty for my healthy obsession with the library. One semester my professional student husband was telling me that he needed to buy yet another book and then it hit us. There is a building in every town filled with free books! It is the most magnificent thing and I'm keeping it forever.

3. How to cook from scratch

I can now bake my own bread, pizza, tortillas, sweets, anything really. I'm not ashamed to say, I'm an awesome cook now. Thanks to you for keeping me from being able to afford all the garbage I wanted to put in my face ...

4. I can wait

I can wait until that movie goes to Redbox, I can hold this laptop together with duct tape until we can afford a new one. I can wait for the things I want. That's new.

5. I ain't nobody's fool

If all the ingredients are the same and one costs a dollar more than the other, I, being nobody's fool, choose the knock-off. I am positive Raisin Bran Clusters tastes better than Raisin Bran Crunch. I must thank you for the introduction.

6. I can fix it myself

I never knew I could take apart my sink, air conditioner, and car and put it back together no problem ... but I can. That feels good. Thanks for forcing me to do that so many times!

7. How to stretch a dollar

When we occasionally go to restaurants with menus that don't feature pictures of the food, I can't stop thinking, "15 dollars for a plate of pasta?! I could feed 40 children with 15 dollars worth of pasta!" And I could. Thanks to you.

8. The ability to recognize true poverty

It happened when my husband and I were in our first 350 square foot apartment. We didn't have much in the fridge or anything in the bank. I realized we were poor, but I also realized that we weren't starving or thirsty or freezing. This particular level of poverty was not so bad ... I just couldn't afford Cheetos. I can speak of poverty lightly because it went easy on us. I haven't had to watch my children go hungry. I've just lived with less than the typical.

9. A good attitude is free

A positive attitude is more spectacular than a pair of designer jeans ... and a lot less expensive.

10. I'm prepared for the garbage of life

The boy scouts have NOTHING on me. I am not only prepared for anything but I'm expecting it. I've learned that something expensive and unexpected is going to happen ten times a year. If you don't have a little something set aside for such disasters, you're toast.

11. Live simply

The largest place we've lived in the ten years since we've been married is 750 square feet. That means we don't have the luxury of bringing crap into our lives that doesn't add to the happiness of it. Thanks for the confinement, I know the difference between "want it or need it."

12. Appreciate the job

Work is not something I dread because I'm too grateful to have a job. I know there are people who have it worse off than me and the difference between me and them ... is work. So yes, I work hard and I smile while doing it.

13. I am not better than McDonald's ... and the people that eat there

Because, as shame-faced as I know I should be ... McDonald's is awesome. I know the food is terrible for you but come on, where else can you go to watch your kids play for an hour while you sip a hot chocolate in the rain? Thank you McDonald's and poverty, for the introduction.

So with that, thank you poverty.

I hope to never see you again and I wouldn't wish you on anyone ... but I'm happy we met.

Sincerely,

One of the lucky ones

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Candy House Blog. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 13 reasons she’s grateful for her poverty appeared first on FamilyToday.

Dirt. Rocks. Lake. Wrestle. Mud. Critters. Outside

If these words draw you in, you grew up a tomboy.

Pink. Sparkly. Fancy. Tiara. Tea party. Dress. Glitter

If these words are constantly on your daughters lips, you're raising a princess.

You never thought it would happen to you.

But it did. You. With your skinned-kneed and dirt-covered childhood, you've somehow created a princess.

Somehow, some minuet portion of your DNA had a sliver of diva in it and that is the part that mother nature picked to be your offspring. To say you didn't see this coming would be an understatement.

These waters are uncharted and all your parental navigation tools are set at a much less frilly frequency.

Of course it concerns you when your daughter asks for "the pink one." Of course you cringe when she insists that her name is Elsa. But this is where we are. Let's deal with it.

Here's some tips to lean on when you're lost:

Don't force her to be something she's not

She is who she is. And let's be real honest. You love her. Glitter and all.

Let her grow and discover who she is with unconditional love. It's okay to ask her to try new things and get dirty but if she's morally opposed. Don't push it. Who knows, maybe it's just a phase.

Teach her about real-life princesses

There is a lot more to being a princess than looking fabulous all the time.

I almost (almost) would suggest watching the Miss America Pageant with your princess "¦ listening intently to all the good these gorgeous babes want to do for the world.

Let her be her stylish self

Haven'tyou ever been a teansie-bit amazed at those women who look magnificent all the time? The ability to dress yourself immaculately is a gift that I'm betting their mother's didn't squash when they were dancing around covered in puffy tool and plastic jewelry.

Consider this acceptance a gift from you, to your daughter.

Be proud of her

You've been making fun of princesses your whole life. It's fun. They're easy targets (because they're so shiny). You're good at it. It's time to stop. Sorry.

The time has come to "let it go" and embrace the fact that you're a grown-up now and your daughter is a beautiful person who is going to grow up and do something incredible for the world.

Tea Parties are a perfect time to re-connect

She's engaged. She's happy you're involved. Can you think of a better time to connect with a princess? Me neither.

Embrace pink

You read that right.

Now I'm not saying you should go off and become a princess yourself. No. That would be weird. What I am saying is that relationships are full of compromises. If you are asking her to do things outside of her comfort zone then it is only reasonable that you also do a few things outside of yours.

Pink. Embrace it. She'll love you for it.

When all else fails "¦ surprise her with something fancy

It's the darnedest thing, A small scrap of sparkly plastic beads with a sticker on it can make a princess swoon. Without fail. Day brightened, Every time. Darnedest thing.

And lastly, enjoy this

Your princess won't always want you to be such an active participant in her life. Sooner than you think, she'll be gone and you'll be aching for just one more tea party with your little princess.

She's a privilege. They all are.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Candy House Blog. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Raising a princess: A how-to guide for tomboys appeared first on FamilyToday.

I've been a mother for four years now and it recently occurred to me that motherhood is not for me.

Now, before you go calling my mom with concern, keep reading.

I've never really been the motherly type. As a kid I hated babysitting, felt zero inclination to coo at a newborn, and frankly, I don't like the way kids smell. I don't know why I thought I wanted to do this (much less thought I'd be good at it) in the first place. It just seemed like the thing to do at the time.

I blindly jumped in not knowing how life altering the decision to have children really was. I know I am super blessed (or lucky) because I have two really spectacular children. As far as kids go, they're dynamite. Undoubtedly, I would have given up on motherhood immediately if my two weren't so terribly enchanting.

Yes, my children are exquisite but that didn't stop me from looking at them and asking myself, "What's in this for me? How can you (child) make me (mother) happy?" My husband and I were really poor for a while and I felt like it was my kids' fault. Their neediness was keeping me from the workforce (and I really love working) and consequently, keeping us dependent on one shabby doctoral student's income. I resented the fact that I had to do it all. And for what? So they could grow up and do all the things I wanted to be doing?

It all seemed so unfair.

I don't think I was a terrible mother, my attitude may have been a bit off but we did stuff, we read books, I smiled a lot, I loved them real motherly like. I really did.

Then Sam (my 2 year old) learned to talk. I was delighted. I asked him all sorts of questions and was charmed to hear his take on his sister, his fears and the like. Sam (like many 2 year olds) is a straight shooter. He doesn't mince words or beat around the bush. If he thinks you're acting a fool, you're going to hear about it. And I must say, he's usually right on par with reality. Sometimes, I really do need someone to yell in my face, "Mamma mean!"

That's a nice time to sit and reflect on my motives.

At about the peak of my annoyance with the demands of motherhood Sam started mixing up the words 'thank you' and'you're welcome.' I'd change his diaper and he'd say, "You're welcome." I'd make him some toast and I'd hear, "You're welcome." I'd take him to the park and he'd say, "You're welcome."

This infuriated me.

I would say to him, "No Sam, YOU say thank you." He would just smile back and whisper, "You're welcome." I'd furrow my brow at him and say it again, "YOU say thank you." This dialogue went on between us for months. He's a smart guy, you would think he would catch on. But he didn't. In fact he is STILL saying 'you're welcome' to all my acts of service.

Two weeks ago it hit me.He's right.

I am getting something out of this parent-child relationship.I am the one who should be saying "Thank you" after my kids let me serve them. Motherhood has been invaluable for me socially, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Before I was a mother (and even quite a while after) I was a very self-centered person. I used to worry about trivial things like; does my hair look sexier straight or curly? Does everybody like me? Am I getting enough attention?

I haven't brought my hair up in conversation since my daughter was born four years ago. Through the experience of becoming a mother I have unlocked a door of myself I didn't even know was there. Because being a fully engaged mother means it's not about you anymore. There is a shift in focus. That shift compelled me to want to extend my perspective. I now worry about meaningful things like; how can I be a positive influence in the foster care system? How can I encourage literacy in children? What can I be doing to help my children feel empowered?

My life is no longer about me. I've lost my former self in the duties of motherhood and found that this new person that is emerging isimmensely superior to the girl who worried about her hair. I've found that my purpose in life is not about self-gratification but rather generosity. The beautiful thing about living a generous life is that you discover an overabundance of joy that would have been impossible to find on your own. And the beautiful thing about children is that they literally welcome you into their spectacular little lives with open arms.

This life, this opportunity to be a mother isnot for you, it is unmistakably for others.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Candy House Blog. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Motherhood is not for you appeared first on FamilyToday.

I worked at a RTC (residential treatment center) for a few years after college. It was a house full of girls ages 12 to 18 who were there because of self-harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders, or just plain misunderstood. Their parents made them come and stay for a year. We were one of the best, most expensive treatment centers in America (or so I was told). It really was a wonderful place where I saw REAL positive change in the way these amazing young ladies viewed themselves and their families.

Most were very well-off, east coast girls. The RTC was based in Utah so they didn't get to see their families all that often. We would have "family weekends" every couple months where it was all family therapy and ropes courses.

That was always my favorite time. It was so terribly interesting to meet their parents. Before they would even open their mouths I knew who they belonged to. From the second they stepped out of their fancy cars, I knew their last name. Not because they all looked just like their girl but because they carried themselves just like their girl. Why is that? Why is our initial instinct to behave like our parents?

It's what we know.

Here are a few behaviors children tend to learn from their parents:

1. How to treat your spouse

I have a friend who is totally rude to her husband. She thinks nothing of it. It's just the way she was raised. That's what she saw, that's what she does. It makes me sad for her, her husband and their children. John Wooden once said, "The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." I love that.

2. How much respect to give authority

Anytime a police car or fire truck turns on their sirens close enough for my 2 year old to hear he shouts, "Good guys!" Every child is learning from their parents how much respect different authority figures deserve. If you have a parent who is constantly butting heads with their boss, chances are, the child will grow up with a chip on their shoulder for anyone who dare call themselves "the boss."

3. How to manage our money

What is money for? It may surprise many to know that depending on your economic status, the answer varies greatly. Children watch their parents live from paycheck to paycheck will assume that that is just the way money works.

4. How do deal with frustration

I have a friend who recently told me, "When I get mad, I scream. I can't help it. It's just the way my family deals with things." If you're a screamer, think back to where you learned that"¦ your parents right? The tough part about having children is that we must do morethan feed them, we must RAISE them. Part of raising children is modeling healthy behaviors.

5. How much happiness they can expect out of life

Those who grow up in negative households must forever fight that little voice in their heads saying things like, "You don't deserve this." We tend to accept the love we think we deserve and gravitate towards people and things that make us feel comfortable. For example, if a mother chooses to stay with an abusive husband, more often than not, their children will end up being a future victim or abuser.

6. How you treat other people

Do you look people in the eyes? Are you worthy of someone's time? Are you a jerk? Are people beneath you? Chances are, your children would be able to answer these questions immediately. They know you, they probably want to be just like you, they're practicing you right now. It has been an eye-opening experience for me to see my 4-year-old daughter play "house" with her little friends. I'm ever interested in the way she describes and portrays "mother."

Our parents taught us the basics. Our worldview was shaped by watching them interact with the world. It's almost too much for me to think about all the children (and grown-ups) who came into this world surrounded by violence and fear. There is so much disadvantages that come with having parents who are cruel. These abused and neglected children have a MUCH harder road than those raised in loving homes. They fight battles unseen.

My message to those without proper examples is this; CHOICE. It is the greatest gift you've been given. Each person has the power to choose the kind of parent they are going to be. Yes, your initial reaction may be to scream, but that doesn't mean you MUST.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Candy House Blog. It has been republished here with permission.

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I dated my husband all of three months before getting engaged. At the time I thought we were being terribly romantic.

Now I realize that we were actually acting insane. What we did was dangerous crazy sauce. It is super easy to hide the crazy for a few short romantic months "¦ as the ladies at my domestic violence shelter will attest.

But I got lucky. The boy I met was who he said he was "¦ and so was I (sort of). I don't even think I would recognize myself if I bumped into me as a 19 year old. I'm not such a gullible naive little darling anymore. Thank heavens.

Yeah, we got lucky. But we also worked really really hard to make our relationship work. Through my own experience and the experience of friends and clients, I've learned that happy couples share a lot of the same traits.

Here's a few:

Happy couples respect each other.

When you're young and in love you assume you'll agree on everything. You won't. You'll disagree whole-heartedly about some pretty big stuff sometimes. Happy couples respect each other even when they are mad. This entails NOT saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment.

Happy couples forgive each other.

Expecting your partner to be perfect is unreasonable. Everyone makes mistakes but not everyone has learned how to forgive. I submit that the world's happiest couples are masters at forgiving each other's shortcomings. It takes gobs and gobs of maturity. A dear friend of mine went as far as to forgive her husband for cheating on her. The two started couples counseling and are working through it. This kind of big forgiveness is not for everyone.

Happy couples are committed to each other

When I was a bright-eyed, romance-gushing newlywed my stepdad told me that sometimes marriage is not about love, but about commitment. At the time I thought he was being a lame skeptic. He didn't understand us "¦ We were freaking soul-mates. Since becoming an adult and having two children with my husband I see he was totally right. Being committed to someone means wearing your wedding ring on a night out and not flirting with anyone. Period.

Happy couples have sex

It's true. Happy couples don't use sex as a weapon or means of manipulating the other, they simply enjoy each other's company. Often.

Happy couples avoid pornography

If you or your spouse is struggling with a pornography addiction, may I suggest counseling. The effects of pornography are anything but positive. It re-wires your brain to objectify people rather than connect with them. It makes perfectly happy people think they are missing something they're not. I have yet to meet a woman who walked through the doors of the shelter where I work who did not mention pornography being an issue for their abusive partner.

Happy couples talk

They share their lives with each other. They share concerns, fears, joys, and express their love for each other. Every couple has a different way of making things work (or not work). I know some feel really uncomfortable expressing feelings verbally and choose to show their love in other ways. That is great as long as the other partner speaks that same language or at the very least studies it. One odd way I've noticed I express my affection is through cookies. If he comes home to a batch of cookies, my husband has learned that that's one big weird way of me saying, "I love you."

Happy couples don't cheat

They understand human nature and take necessary measures to protect themselves from affairs. There seems to be so much glamour and excitement around the word "affair." But I can assure you they are anything but glamourous. They break things. Things that should have stayed intact. There are lots of simple ways to avoid having an affair.

Happy couples put their partner first

Marriage is a partnership, a union. It is not a dictatorship. Both parties should have equal say in the direction of their lives. I am grateful for a husband who respects me enough to ask. We are A team. We don't make plans without the other because we put each other first.

Happy couples are happy

They understand that life is a roller coaster and they are glad about who they chose to sit next to and scream with.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Candy House Blog. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 9 choices happy couples make appeared first on FamilyToday.

I have two kids. They are currently the two most perfect human beings on the planet. I firmly believe that my daughter will grow up and become the next C.S. Lewis while curing cancer in her spare time. I also believe that my son is going to be an astronaut who also plays in the NBA. I'm not even joking. They really are that amazing. I feel so confident in who they are and who they will become that I don't even feel the need to compare them to other people's kids. There is no comparison. Mine are perfect.

Now you are thinking, "Whoa. Easy, lady. I'm sure your kids wet the bed just like everyone else's."

Yeah, they do. You're right. They are probably pretty average. I just happen to love them.

This has been a slow realization that started when my mom came to help me after my daughter was born. They tell you that a recuperating new mother should sleep whenever the newborn sleeps. But sometimes, instead of taking my own nap, I would just stare at my daughter while she slept. One evening as I beamed love-rays over my newborn, my mom put her arm around me and asked, "Is it weird for you to think that I love you as much as you love her?"

Yes. That was weird for me. Though I hadn't really thought to compare loves, I could not have imagined that anyone had ever loved anything as much as I loved that girl. But there it was. My mom loved me that much. She'd been staring at me the whole time I'd been staring at my daughter.

This got me thinking. The thinking got me to researching. Why do parents love their kids so much?

1. Children leave their DNA in your heart.

There is literally cell migration from baby to mother during pregnancy. These fetal cells (from born and unborn children) can be found in a mother's heart, blood, skin, bone marrow, liver, and kidneys. These cells have been known to protect against certain cancers, generate new neurons in the mother's brain, heal wounds, and aid in recovery. Your children are literally always with you.

2. Children activate your brain, nerves, and hormone levels.

Inside each of our chests there is avagus nerve. This nerve is activated when we spend quality time with our children. This nerve enables communication between the body and the brain and it directs oxytocin to be released. This leads to feelings of love and admiration towards our offspring. Your children literally make you happy.

3. Children become your life.

Since I became a mother everything is different. I have dedicated every single day to my kids. Every choice I make runs through the lens of how will this effect my kids, even when I'm not with my kids. When I leave for my part-time job, my daughter knows that I go to work so that someday I can buy her a horse. Which is totally true. I am investing my time, effort, love, and essentially my life to raising positive little people. My children are literally my whole life now.

4. Children really are perfect. For you.

Children help parents become better people by contributing their cells, activating happiness in your brain, and giving their parents a worthy purpose. It's hard to be objective about my kids. They are more than just part of my family, they are part of me. The best part. And this doesn't mean that my kids can do no wrong (I have an uncommissioned Sharpie mural in the kitchen that suggests they can), or that I'll take their side over every teacher, or that they will actually grow up to be astronauts and scientists, but it does mean that they have already made the world more special just by being them and doing what they do.

So yeah, my kids are better than your kids "¦ But then again, so are yours.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Candy House Blog. It has been republished here with permission.

The post My kids are better than yours and here’s why appeared first on FamilyToday.

Bern Williams once said, "Sooner or later we all quote our mothers."

We quote our mothers because they raised us. They shaped our little brains. On top of teaching us language and manners, we learned about ourselves by watching our mothers. I believe that through their example, we learn what degree of happiness we can expect for our own lives.

Those who didn't grow up with happy mothers must fight that little voice in their heads saying things like, "You don't deserve this." Mothers need to work on themselves so that their children will feel worthy of happiness.

Here are eight things moms need to give up in exchange for happiness:

1. Give up comparing yourself.

You are you. You will always be you. So stop worrying about what other people think about you. It's a waste of time. If you are being genuine to yourself, you will attract people that appreciate you.

2. Give up comparing children.

They are just kids. They're not identical robots who are supposed to be a certain way or do a certain thing at at a certain time. Meet your children where they're at and enjoy them. They are the most important thing you'll ever do.

3. Give up gossiping

One hundred percent of the time the person that you are talking smack with, will talk smack about you behind your back. It's not healthy. It's not nice. Stop doing it.

4. Give up spending money on things you don't need.

Allowing yourself to live simply is the greatest gift you can give yourself. You don't need the latest and greatest. Don't clutter your life with things you don't love.

5. Give up toxic people.

There really are some people that are just bad for you. They might not be bad people but they make you feel bad about yourself. You don't need them. Let them go.

6. Give up being unselfish.

It's important to be selfish and take care of yourself. Why do you think the flight attendant tells you to put your own oxygen mask on before trying to helping your favorite child? Every role you play, you can play better if you are taking care of yourself.

7. Give up self-doubt.

Of course you have made mistakes, EVERYONE has. Carrying around guilt and self-doubt is like lugging a backpack full of rocks around everywhere you go. It's time to give those up. You are remarkable. Anything that is placed before you, you can handle. It's inside of you.

8. Give up the idea of perfection.

Understand that life is not about having every little thing in its place, it is a journey, it is a lesson. It's not about perfection. Give up the idea. It doesn't exist here.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Kristin Anderson's blog, Candy House Blog. It has been republished here with permission.

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Sweetheart,

I almost don't want to let you go. In fact, I've told your father numerous times that we should just wait another year or two before starting you in school. He talks of socialization and not wanting you to fall behind. I talk of cooking on the counter, playing at the park, visiting the science museum and enjoying you so much. I love having you around. If I had an ounce of confidence in my ability to homeschool you, I would. Not so much because I think you are going to struggle in school but because, you're mine. You've always been mine. It scares me to let you go.

I know you're SO excited to start school and make new friends and call your teacher Miss Honey (from the movie, Matilda), but I worry about you. I probably always will. Despite the fact that often you show more emotional maturity than many grown ups I know. I worry about you because I went to school. I know what it's like sometimes. I know that some kids (and teachers) are just plain mean. I know what it is like to be alone in a crowded room. I wish I could always be there to encourage, but I can't. There are some places you have to go alone.

If I could give you any gifts right now, they would be this:

Patience

I want you to understand that people are cruel to other people because THEY are hurting. Something is off about their lives and sometimes projecting their anger on others helps them briefly forget their own pain. Understand that those who seem the prickliest are the ones who need the most support.

Humility

I know that I've been telling you for years how awesome, smart, and beautiful you are "¦ but you won't always be the best at everything. In fact, you may be terrible at something. That's OK. Actually, that's great. We are defined by how we react to failure. Remember that the expert in anything was once a beginner. You will struggle at something. That doesn't mean you're not meant to do it. Be humble enough to work on things that don't come naturally to you.

Courage

Never be afraid to raise your hand. If you are struggling with a concept, chances are half the class is too. Don't be afraid to be yourself. You really are awesome, smart and beautiful. Carry that confidence with you when you meet new people. Most people aren't looking for a "perfect" person to be friends with, they want somebody real. Have the courage to be yourself and real friendships will follow.

Calm

I know you like order. I know you like when everyone is following the rules. I do too. Every single day of school there will be times of chaos, it may be at recess or during reading time. There will be chaos. May you not lose yourself in the chaos. Though the storms rage around you, may you carry your own weather. May you not be overwhelmed by the anarchy.

Good luck on your first day.

Love you,

Mom

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Candy House Blog. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 4 gifts I want to give my child before the first day of school appeared first on FamilyToday.

It happened twice this week. I took my two little kids to my friends' houses for play-dates and their homes were spotless. I'm positive they cleaned their houses for me. So I could see it. So I could think to myself, "Her house is cleaner than mine, she's perfect." Why would my friends want me to think like that?

I get it. I also feel the pressure to be seen as perfect. I admit I've cleaned the house for play-dates. But that was before I realized why I was doing it. I was showing off. Pretending that I had everything under control so I might be admired. I was making my friends feel bad about their home by making mine look so unattainably clean. I was being rude.

I don't do that anymore.

I no longer clean up before other moms come over and I don't apologize for the mess. That means leaving the dishes in the sink, leaving loose macaroni on the table, and leaving the toys scattered. Having a home full of young children is nothing to be ashamed of and yet I was constantly trying to hide the evidence.

The first time I had company over with my house in its honest state, I got physically uncomfortable when I heard the knock on the door. I knew they were standing next to the dirty diaper bucket on the porch and it wasn't empty. I could see the diaper bucket, greeting them, "Hello, welcome to our home." I let them in; she stepped around the Legos and abandoned shirts and sat on my couch. With a heavy sigh she said, "Thank you for not cleaning your house for me. It's nice to have a friend who doesn't pretend."

I've been following this rule for a few months now and the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. I have heard the words, "Thank you" in regards to my disheveled home from every single mother who has entered it. I have had mothers express that going to a "perfect" house causes them, "serious stress "¦ I just worry that my kids are going to mess things up." This simple act has also increased the depth of my friendships. As soon as I quit trying to bolster my ego through vacuuming, my friends got real with me. They sat in my messy living room and cried about husbands, finances and loneliness.

And my friends stopped cleaning their houses for me. Funny how that works. I have gotten the chance to see how my friends really live. And it's beautiful. There are signs of life everywhere.

I understand that there are some parents who have mastered housekeeping and there are some three-year-olds who are helpful and neat. I understand that every home has a different cleanliness base-line. I get it. I really do. But, in the world I live in, the minute you invite a toddler to live in your house, it becomes a zoo "¦ pooh flinging included. I know that there is someone out there who would be like, "Wow. I'm uncomfortable with this mess and you're disrespecting me by not cleaning it for me." To those critics I would say, "I'm not ashamed of my house, I'm not ashamed of my life and if you can't handle this type of reality, go somewhere else."

I stopped cleaning up my house for play-dates because I don't want to add to the perfection epidemic. When my friends come over I want them to feel like they're in a home, not a museum. I'm not washing my dishes before you come over because I don't believe in making my friends feel bad about their dishes. I want my friends to know that they are welcome in my space. I am not pretending to be something that I'm not. I am not here to make you feel small. This is where I'm at right now.

I'm not saying I'm giving up trying to keep a clean home. I'm not. If I took so much as a week off, I'm pretty sure child protective services would be knocking at the door with concerned looks and clipboards. No, I'm really trying but I'm not perfect and I'm done pretending to be.

I bet someday we'll miss the mess

I bet someday we'll be wrinkled and old and we'll finally have all those tall imported curtains and delicate vases. Someday everything will be in its place. When that day comes I bet we won't clean up after grand-kids in hopes of showing off the mess to our old lady friends. So that we can say things like, "Yes, the grandchildren came over and look at this mess!" Someday we will long for the mess. It will be quiet and we'll wonder why we ever tried to hide the fact that we were raising children.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Kristin Anderson's blog, Candy House Blog. It has been republished here with permission.

The post Why I’m not cleaning my house for you anymore appeared first on FamilyToday.

Last month, my best friend came to me with concerns about EVERYONE calling her two year-old daughter "pretty." Her concern was that "I feel like the world only notices her looks and is trying to place value on her outward appearance rather than her real strengths."

I can imagine people telling my friend and her daughter that they should just relax because they got the long end of the stick. However, I have spent most of my professional life working with children and teens with eating disorders and Body Dysmorphic Disorders. I have stood outside bathrooms listening to skinny 14 year-old girls forcing themselves to vomit because they didn't think they were skinny enough. I have seen lovely intelligent girls cut their wrists because they gained ten pounds. I hurt for these girls. I hurt for their parents. I hurt for the youth of this body obsessed generation who, according to a study by A. Chris Downs, will receive roughly 5,260 ads related to attractiveness per year (or at least 14 per day).

How can this be combatted? Can parents like my friend raise a daughter with healthy body image without moving to Amish country? Here are five keys I've picked up through my formal education, my professional experience as a social worker, my own childhood, and most importantly, my experience as a mother of a lovely daughter.

1. It starts with you

Peggy O'Mara once said, "The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice." Nothing is more true. Your daughter looks to you for guidance on making sense of the world, making sense of herself and her purpose in life. If you cut her down, she will forever fight that voice in her head. Your voice. Raise your children up. Tell them they are beautiful but more importantly, tell them they are intelligent, kind, and worthy. Last week I took my three year-old daughter to the doctor for a routine check-up. The first thing they did was put her on the scale. I asked her, "How much do you weigh?" to which she responded, "Just right." The nurse was shocked. I smiled and said, "That's right," and I had never been more proud.

2. Be gentle with yourself

Kids learn in three ways; example, example, example. Your daughters are looking to you on how they should behave and feel. They saythat the biggest indicator of how far a child will go educationally is how far their mother went. If you get your PhD, chances are your daughter will too. The same can be said about body image, if you feel fine about your body, chances are your daughter will too. If you do struggle with body issues, counseling can help you feel better about your body. The healthier you become the healthier your daughter will be.

3. Be gentle with others

Speak kindly. In Matthew 12 it reads, "On the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." Whether you believe in The Bible or not, this is good advice. Be a parent who doesn't speak poorly of those without "ideal" bodies. Study the immensity of the universe, study Christ's teachings, study the butterfly effect, or read Man's Search for Meaning. There is so much good to learn, who has time to spend criticizing the shape of someone else's body?

The size of a person's stomach does not give their life meaning. The number on the scale does not define you or anyone else. The same day my daughter shocked the nurse we played at our local children's museum where we overheard two moms talking in the tot section about their next diet, the ugly parts of their bodies and form-fitting underwear. I usually don't talk to strangers, but I did that day. "Excuse me" I said shyly, "I don't mean to interrupt, but you two are so perfectly beautiful. Why do you worry about things like that?" They were almost speechless. I don't think they knew they were beautiful.

4. Be ready to talk

When questions do come, and they will, be ready to talk. We live in Oklahoma which is not the nation's healthiest state. When my daughter comes to me about body size differences we don't talk about attractiveness or body shapes. We talk about having a healthy heart. We talk about being physically strong so that we can do the things that our family values (basketball, hiking, horseback riding). We also talk about how other people value different things and how it is incredibly hurtful to talk bad about another person's body. People are sensitive about their bodies, the media makes sure of that. Raise your daughters to be a force for good in the world, to see the strengths in others rather than just a pant size.

5. Be a stinker about media consumption for as long as you can

Studies show that by first grade our personality/identity is formed and doesn't seem to change much throughout our lives. I know that the shows children watch, the games they play, and the songs that fill the room DO shape your daughter's life. Be watchful. Guard your children. Teach your children. Be an example of what and how much media to consume.

In the end, we cannot control everything our daughters think, feel, and do. They will make mistakes, and goodness knows, so will we! But at the end of the day, we have the privilege and responsibility to heavily influence the first few years of our daughters' brain development, which are apparently the most important. Hopefully, these steps help vaccinate your daughter against unhealthy body image.

Editor's note: This article was originally published on Kristin Anderson's blog, Candy House Blog. It has been republished here with permission.

The post 5 ways to raise healthy daughters appeared first on FamilyToday.