Men try to be all suave and cool around women. They try to act all tough and cool, too. A lot of times this works. Afterall, what girl wants a wimpy girly-boy? But there are a lot of things men do that they think are cool that really just drive her insane.

1. Mansplaining

Yes, you're a guy, but that doesn't mean you know everything. Explaining something to her like you're teaching a child just annoys her and doesn't make you look as smart as you think it does.

2. "Honey, where is the ... "

You're not her child. You should be able to get things on your own. There's no harm in asking her where it is, but don't expect her to get it for you.

3. "What did the kids do today?"

She's not your personal assistant. If you want to know what the kids did today, ask them. Be a dad. Don't be vicarious dad through your wife.

4. "Will you remind me to ... "

Again, she's not your personal assistant. You have an alarm function on your phone for a reason.

5. Turning on the TV and tuning out

Yeah, TV is entertaining, but it'll still be there tomorrow, and the next day, and the next. AND there's a fancy little thing called a DVR, too. Just because you're watching TV doesn't mean you're suddenly unavailable.

6. Begging for sex

Yes, you're in the mood for sex, but that doesn't mean she has to be. And if you keep on asking her over and over that night, it usually doesn't help her get in the mood. And moping about it certainly won't help either.

7. Not cleaning up after yourself

You're an adult and she's not your maid. Leaving your towel on the floor after you shower or leaving your dirty clothes on the floor for her to pick up is just lazy. And it's not respecting her as a roommate, let alone as your wife.

8. Talking to her about sports

That's great if your team won. And she wants to be a part of your life by hearing you talk about it. But that doesn't mean she wants to hear all the statistics and other details of the game. She doesn't want to be treated like one of the guys.

9. Not doing what you say you're going to

She wants to rely on you, but it drives her nuts when you say you'll pick up eggs on the way home and forget. It sets her day back, and now she has to carve out time to go the store, too. The worst part is that it tells her she can't rely on you.

10. Not making dinner

You're an adult, you should know how to make a dinner for your family. And ordering out doesn't count. If you can't make dinner for your family, it puts that responsibility solely on your wife and limits what she can do or where she can go that day if she has to plan on being home every night to make dinner.

11. Checking out other girls in front of her

She knows that you look. And usually she's secure enough that she doesn't mind. Afterall, she thinks other guys are cute, too. But don't check out other girls right in front of her. That's a sign of disrespect to her. Plus, it's just embarassing for her when another girl knows she's being checked out while you're with your wife.

12. Not saying "I love you."

Yes, you're married to her and work your hands to the bone to provide for her and your family, but she also likes to hear that you love her.

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When partners says I do, there's a common misperception that all they need is love and somehow connection in the bedroom will just happen magically. Even though your partner seems calm, cool and collected, they worry about sex just like you.

Her worries

1. Looking sexy

Women often compare their own looks to models and celebrities' bodies. This usually makes a girl self-conscious and worried about what her guy will think about her body. But it's hard to get in the mood if you or your partner feel self-conscious.

Use "mood lighting" to make you feel more comfortable. Don't dress in a baggy shirt or hide under the sheets. Try lingerie that accentuates what you like about your unique body. Give yourself some self-affirmations or ask your partner what he likes the most about you to help you feel better.

2. Keeping it exciting enough

After playing chef, maid, chauffeur and nurse all day, sometimes she just doesn't have a lot of energy left at the end of the day. Even though she wants to have sex, sometimes she just doesn't have the energy to make it great.

Remember, you don't have to have great sex every time. On the nights when you or your partner are exhausted, you can have "filler sex" where you do it just to tie you over until a later day when you have the time and energy for great sex.

Talk openly. Tell each other what kind of mood you're in. If you want it to be great, but your partner doesn't, plan a date and get ready.

3. Trying new things

She wants to try new and novel things in the bedroom, too. But she's worried this might come across as criticism of the way her husband presently has sex or that she'll be judged because of the things she wants to try.

Sex is a wonderful thing to share with the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with. There's no reason your or your partner shouldn't have the sex life you want to have. Get up the guts to talk about the new things you want to try.

His worries

1. Not pleasing you enough

When it comes to the bedroom, men are like a microwave and women are like an oven. And he knows this. He tries not to climax too quickly and wants to last until the end (i.e. until his partner climaxes, too). So he tries as hard as he can to last longer.

Communicate with each other during sex. Use expressions such as "Let's wait a sec," "faster," "slower," red light," "yellow light" and "green light." This helps you and your partner stay on the same page, allowing you both to fully enjoy the experience.

Also, not all sex has to last for a long time. Talk to each other openly about what your expectations are. This will take some pressure off of him, and you'll both get what you want.

2. Seeming too needy

Every guy knows the stereotype that guys want sex more than girls. Even though this isn't always true, guys are still sensitive to the stereotype and don't want to be "that guy" who seems like he wants sex all the time.

So, your guy might only subtly make an advance or say he only kinda wants to make love when actually he really wants to. Be sensitive to this.

3. Trying new things

When guys get married, they have ideas about things they want to try in the bedroom. But they also know women can be sensitive and even insecure about sex, so they don't want to talk about these things in case doing so will make their women upset.

For both partners, the answer is the same: Get up the guts to talk about the new things you want to try. Even if you don't want to try something, this conversation can be fun because you will talk about each other's interests and you may come up with some other ideas to try.

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We all do cute things to flirt with our spouses. Most of the time, these make your partner feel butterflies and even makes your relationship more fun. And believe me, we guys love it when you act cute. It turns us on and makes us love you more. But despite your sincere efforts, there are some things you wives do that you think are cute that we husbands don't actually want to hear. I hate to be the buzzkiller. Just don't shoot the messenger (or send me hate mail):

1. "How do I look?"

As a girl, you like to to hear affirmations from your husband about how you look. You want to feel attractive and sexy, and you want your husband to be the one to make you feel that way. As a guy, though, when you ask us this it feels like a trap - like one wrong word could be our last. We want you to feel attractive and sexy, and believe me we really try. There are lots of other ways we can do this for you, though. Please, just don't ask us how you look.

2. "Oh, I don't know. What do you think, honey?"

Growing up, a lot of little girls learn to boys to get a boy to like them. Even as adults, a lot of women do this to their husbands thinking it makes them look cute by making their man feel smart. One of the most common ways women dumb down is by deferring their opinion and decisions to their husbands. But the truth is, we really want to know what you think, that's why we're asking. Dumbing yourself down by deferring your judgment back to us is just annoying and doesn't make you look as cute you might think it does.

3. "Isn't this cute?"

Cute is a funny word. Girls use it to describe clothes, crafts, cars, babies and even boys they like. It's never a word boys use to describe ... anything. So when you ask us if this is cute, it's a real stretch for us to know what you mean. It's an even bigger stretch for us to agree with you. We know you use the word cute with your friends, but when you talk to us, please try to be a little more descriptive than just "cute."

4. "I dont know how. Can you do (x) for me?"

You don't like carrying more than your share of the load in marriage and neither does your husband. Sure, some guys like to feel dominant, but this is 2016 and most guys would rather feel equal. You think it's cute and maybe even honoring for him to feel in charge, but guys these days actually feel more burdened by this and it makes them feel like they're carrying you're weight in the marriage. As our spouse, we really want to help you, but we don't want to do it for you. If you can't do it, we're happy to help you find out how you can.

5. "What are you thinking right now?"

This one is kind of like the "how do I look" question. We know you want to do more than just be in the same room with us and that this question is a way for you try to connect with us. But this one also feels like pressure. Sometimes we're just not thinking about "us." A lot of the time we're thinking about how to get over a dillemma at work or what we want to do next weekend. If you want to connect with us, don't start with this question. Instead, try asking what we did today or what we want to do this weekend.

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A couple sat on my couch the other day telling me how bland and stale their marriage had become. Neither of them could understand how their marriage had gotten this way. They both talked about how in love they were at the beginning of their marriage and how they would do so many different and fun things together. Lately, though, things were just ... boring. Even their sex life had become passionless.

As we talked more in depth, they felt like they were doing everything right. They were doing a date night whenever they would get a free night together; they spent lots of time together as a family going to the kids' plays, soccer games, etc.; and they both still enjoyed making love with each other (though, they admitted it didn't happen as often or as enthusiastically as they'd like). Things were going well. They couldn't understand why things didn't feel like they were going so great, though.

Sound familiar?

This couple isn't any more uncommon than most couples that sit on my couch for marriage counseling. In fact, this couple isn't more uncommon than most of my friends, either. Even my wife and I sound like this sometimes.

But, the truth is, the reason their relationship had become bland and boring was because they weren't doing things for themselves anymore. While they talked about doing things together as a family and even things together as a couple, they didn't say anything about stuff they liked to do individually for themselves. Any hobbies, interests or pastimes they liked to do for themselves had completely stopped.

Yes, you may have children and a spouse now, and your priorities have had to change. But when you stop doing things you love for the sake of your marriage, you're going to see problems in your marriage.

Here's why:

You need to do unique things for yourself to give your spouse someone interesting to love.

You also need to do unique things for yourself for your own happiness.

For your spouse

Think back to when you were dating for a minute. When you were dating, you would find new and interesting people. These people had different friends than you, went to different restaurants, liked different music, etc. Even if you didn't end up marrying them, it was still fun while it lasted. Just them being unique made them interesting and exciting.

The same goes for you. If you're not being unique, you're becoming uninteresting to your spouse. Keep up with hobbies you like. Maintain those old interests that got lost along the way.

Yes, you have children right now, and they take up a lot of your priority, but if you lose yourself too much, you're going to lose your marriage, too.

Think about it: Would you want to be married to someone who's boring?

For yourself

Not only does being unique help your marriage, but it also helps you. All those interests and hobbies you used to enjoy are still enjoyable. Yeah, you might leave an event or interest a little earlier to go home to get your kids in bed. And you might not be able to do things for yourself as often in between PTA meetings, either. But you're still able to do them. Soon you'll start to cherish this time to go out and be yourself.

You'll find the fun you used to have is fun you can still have. You'll feel refreshed and recharged afterwards, and you'll find new things about yourself you never knew existed.

When you're happier within yourself, you're happier in your marriage. And your spouse is happier to see you happier.

Give yourself permission to be selfish in your marriage. Do things you want to do for the sake of being you. It will help you feel more like yourself again and help with your sanity. And, ironically, it will help your marriage, too!

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It happens all the time. Couples get married and expect their sex life to be just like they see in the movies: romantic and steamy. But then the honeymoon ends and they realize sex is a little more complicated than what they see on the screen.

Here are 10 of the most common questions couples have about sex answered by a marriage counselor.

Q1: What do I do if I don't want sex as often as my partner does?

A: Sex is vitally important to a healthy marriage. If your partner isn't receiving sex as often as they'd like, they're likely not feeling loved because of it. So, try finding other ways to make them feel loved like by sending sexy text messages or having steamy make-out sessions.

Also, try to have sex more often. Sex is a wonderful thing between two committed partners. If, however, you have emotional or martial issues that need to be worked out in order for you to feel more comfortable having sex more frequently, seek help from a professional sex and marriage therapist.

Q2: What do I do if my partner doesn't want sex as often as I do?

A: Be patient. Sometimes your partner is just going through temporary stressors that will go away on their own.

If it's been several months, though, and/or there are no noticeable stressors, then it's best to have a frank talk about it. Ask your partner what you can do to help. And tell them what they can do help you feel wanted.

Q3: How long does it take for my sex drive to go back to normal after giving birth?

A: After giving birth, your body goes through all kinds of changes and it takes time to get your body regulated again. Every woman varies with the amount of time it takes for her to get her sex drive back, but I find it usually takes about as long as it does for your baby to begin to sleep through most of the night.

So, work to get your baby regulated, and you'll find your body and sex drive get regulated too.

Q4: I'm not in the mood to have sex. Should I have sex anyway?

A: Sometimes desire doesn't come until after arousal. So the adage of "Fake it 'til you make it" might actually (and often does) work in this instance.

Just make sure this doesn't happen too much, or you'll start to feel violated and resentful. Do what you have to do to get in the mood as often as you can.

Q5: I need to have sex to feel loved by my spouse. Is that wrong?

A: Nope. This isn't wrong at all. In fact, sex is the only thing you share with your partner that you don't share with anyone else. So it is a unique and excellent way of showing and feeling love, romance and attraction between two people.

Q6: I need to feel loved before I have sex. Is that wrong?

A: Nope. This isn't wrong at all. The best sex is when there is meaning behind it. And love is one of those meanings that makes sex really good.

But sex can also be for other reasons like to have fun or to make up after a fight. Sex has a lot of meanings. So make sure you're not limiting your sexual expression to only when you feel loved, or you'll be missing out on a lot of other great sex.

Q7: Is boring sex normal?

A: Sometimes. But make sure it doesn't happen too often. Your relationship inside the bedroom is strongly related to your relationship outside the bedroom. So, if your sex life is boring, that means your relationship is likely boring too (or will become so soon).

It's okay to have boring sex sometimes (like when you just want to do it because you finally have time and don't know when you'll have time again), but if you have boring sex too much, you'll find it starts bleeding over outside the bedroom.

Q8: We fight a lot about sex. Are we doomed?

A: Nope lots of couples fight about sex. Join the club. If you start fighting about it too much, then it's time to see a marriage counselor. Again, join the club.

Q9. My spouse doesn't understand what I like in the bedroom. What do I do?

A: Talk about it. There's no replacement for good old-fashioned communication. Sure, sex is a sensitive topic and you may hurt feelings by giving pointers, but you're not giving pointers. You're telling your spouse what you like. Most partners are happy to do what you like, especially if it drives you wild.

If you're not having the kind of sex you like and you feel too embarrassed to talk about it, then that's your ownership, not your partner's. Get up the guts and just say it. You can't expect your spouse to read your mind.

Q10: We used to have sex a lot more often, but now we don't. Is that normal?

A: Yes and no. It's normal for your sex drive to ebb and flow - especially when there are big life-stressors (like having a baby, moving, changing jobs, etc). But make sure you're both talking about it and are both happy with the amount of sex you're having.

Remember, your sex life is inseparably connected with the rest of your relationship. So, if your sex life is faltering, make sure to save your relationship from faltering too.

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You've probably had plenty of fights before: He didn't do the dishes right, or she wants to go over to her parents' house again this weekend. Whatever it is, these fights seem to keep coming up over and over.

Like I've said before, fighting can be good in your marriage, but it can also be unnecessary, too. And if you fight about the unnecessary things over and over, then the little annoyances you fight about can start to become big problems.

Here are some tips to stop arguing so much. Get on with being happier sooner.

1. Identify what is solvable

There are some problems that can be solved pretty quickly like what to eat for dinner or who needs to drop off the kids at the birthday party this weekend. Then, there are problems that are not so easy like what to do when your in-laws come to town this summer.

Find out which arguments are solvable and solve them.

And, as for the ones that aren't immediately solvable, it's best to recognize them as such and not get angry with each other about them. You're both trying to come up with a solution; and, until you do, anger isn't going to help either of you.

2. Don't get hung up on the gridlock issues

Marriage researcher John Gottman identified that all couples have what he calls gridlock arguments. These are arguments that are not easily solvable and that the couple argues about over and over.

But having gridlock arguments doesn't mean you're doomed.

It just means you need a certain amount of patience for each other. Also, recognize you may never work theses issues out. That's okay. You and your spouse don't have to agree on everything. And not every argument with your spouse needs to be "fixed."

3. Focus on repairing and not solving

Like I said before, not all arguments are solvable. Gottman also identified that it's not so much how you fight that makes or breaks a relationship, but it's more about how you repair your relationship after the fight.

So it's okay to disagree and argue. Just make sure you repair afterwards.

This can be done by spending time together, offering an apology for things you shouldn't have said or giving a good old-fashioned kiss. It doesn't solve the problem, but, like I said before, not all problems are solvable. Repairing after a fight ensures you still feel like a couple afterward.

4. Don't be shy about bringing it up again

Just because a certain topic causes tension, doesn't mean you should shy away from it.

Healthy couples talk about their problems and address any tension with each other. So, feel free to talk about whatever is bothering you. Just remember you can't solve everything and to make repairs when things get ugly. That way, no matter what you argue about, you will end up just fine.

These four tips will help you to stop arguing so much with your spouse. You'll finally feel better about things you used to feel tension about. No, these tips may not solve your problems, but they'll help you feel like a couple again, and that's better than solving any problem.

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When couples sit on my couch, they tell me all sorts of things they're having problems with. And of all the reasons they come to see me, perhaps the scariest thing for couples is healing after an affair. They're scared because of the excruciating pain they feel from the affair. They're worried that their feelings will never go away and they'll never fully get over this pain and anger.

But despite all the fear and pain that come after an affair, there is healing. Here are four beautiful, true stories that prove marriages can heal after an affair:

Tom and Tiffany*

After Tiffany started getting phone calls from debt collectors and the IRS, she soon learned that Tom was draining nearly a third of his salary on gambling and escort services. Despite the shock she felt after learning the truth, Tiffany soon realized that her marriage was more important than money. The money she earned from her part-time job was now dedicated to pay off Tom's debts, and she began digging deep into the marriage to repair the problems that contributed to Tom's affair.

With some work in counseling, Tom realized that his dissatisfaction in the marriage wasn't so much about Tiffany as much as it was about his dissatisfaction with his "always-on" career and lifestyle. He realized he didn't like chasing the corporate dream, and went to work for a local business with better hours. Tom offered continuous heartfelt apologies to Tiffany and began putting the money away he used to spend on gambling and prostitutes into a savings account for their children's college. Through Tom's work and Tiffany's patience, they found a new place in their relationship that they didn't know existed, and they both say they're glad for their new life and are better than ever.

John and Jane*

Jane loved that John was a dedicated father and also dedicated to his men's group in church. As a minister's daughter, she had the family life she always envisioned — until she found out about John's hookups with random women from Craigslist. She asked him to stop, but John was unwilling to, saying he felt suffocated by Jane's traditional and rigid expectations of him. He told her that through his affairs he finally felt free from her "pressure" and superficial expectations.

Jane was devastated and went into a deep depression. She couldn't imagine life as a divorcee and single mom. Through counseling, she realized there were many other ways to be happy without having to have the lifestyle she was taught since she was a child. She started making friends with other single moms and found a network of support at her children's school.

After several months, John ended his philandering because he realized he didn't want to be the kind of father he was being. He started attending his church's men's group again because he liked the friendships of the people there.

They began talking again at their children's events over the summer and they soon realized that their old relationship was caught up in chasing other people's expectations. Now that these expectations were shattered, they started talking to each other more genuinely, and got to know each other for who they really are. At their last session with me, they said they laugh now more than ever and deliberately try to find new things to laugh with each other about by buying and trying random Groupons.

Rebecca and Ronald*

Ronald was a hard-working engineer who loved being able to provide handsomely for his family. He worked hard, but would also go out with friends a lot to make up for his long hours at work. Rebecca enjoyed the lifestyle Ronald's salary provided, but she continued to feel more and more tired trying to care for their special needs son. She felt trapped and resentful. And she felt guilty for feeling resentful about her son — especially because their financial circumstances allowed them to provide better care for their son than most.

Rebecca eventually began an affair with one of Ronald's single friends. He made her feel youthful and alive, which was a stark contrast to the tedious routine she felt every day caring for her son.

After the affair was discovered, Ronald began dedicating more time to their son and his wife. He would take Rebecca out on dates to places buzzing with social life. He bought her new dresses that would help her forget about her "mommy body" and made her feel sexy. Through counseling, Rebecca came to terms with the guilt and selfishness she felt as the primary caretaker for their son. She stopped blaming Ronald for not being there as a result of his work, too. They regularly hire babysitters and spend time with each other nurturing their bonds as husband and wife instead of just as parents. Doing these things allowed them to tell me how vibrant and in love they feel now.

Adam and Abby*

Adam and Abby had tried for years to have a baby. They decided to do infertility treatments. To help conceive, Abby would spend a lot of time tracking her cycles and other important health information. During that time, sex had to happen at certain times and it started becoming routine and emotionless, and became the only times they'd have sex. Finally, after a couple years and several treatments, they conceived and had twins.

Abby became focused on her twins and started ignoring Adam. Adam didn't really notice, though, because he was feeling pretty detached already. After the twins were old enough to sleep through the night, Abby felt her sex drive return but Adam would not make advances. She would drop hints about feeling in the mood but he ignored them. She began feeling insecure thinking there had to be some reason that Adam didn't want to have sex with her. So she focused more time on her kids. After all, having twins gave her plenty to keep her busy.

When she met her neighbor, Aaron, a stay-at-home writer, while out for a morning jog, she felt immediately attracted to his sense of humor and his obvious flirty advances toward her. He made her feel wanted again. And more importantly, he made her feel like more than just a mom. She felt sexy and attractive again — and it had been a long time since she felt that way. They began an affair that lasted several weeks.

Adam found out about the affair and immediately forgave her. But he felt even less desire to have sex with her. This made Abby feel even more sexually frustrated and unwanted. She also felt more like just a mom. After a while in counseling she decided that if she was going to have the marriage she wanted, she couldn't wait for Adam. She stopped dropping hints and began making obvious sexual advances. Adam would accept the advances and over time he even started making some advances on his own. They started getting more creative with intimacy. Adam became more interested in Abby and they would spend most nights talking to each other. He would take her on dates to romantic spots. Abby found several non-mommy-related things to do, like a spinning class and having a monthly girls' night. They are happier now than ever before.

These stories are beautiful examples that relationships really can survive after an affair. It takes some work, and it may even seem hopeless at times, but marriage can be unbreakable when two partners are truly committed to each other.

*Names have been changed to protect identity.

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Sex is one of the only things that set you and your partner apart from just being roommates. Because of that, sex is vitally important to your marriage. But if you're like most people, the extent of your sex education was limited to one awkward class during P.E. in middle school. You learned how it works and even about some of the diseases you can get from it. Maybe it was just hormones, but despite that awkward class you couldn't wait for that partner that you'd be able to share that intimacy with. You thought it would be great - like what you see in the movies.

Well, you don't have to be married for too long before you realize that sex isn't exactly as matter-of-fact as your P.E. teacher made it out to be, or as romantic as you see in the movies. Come to find out, there are a lot of fighting, arguments, and tension surrounding sex and intimacy. When your relationship is going great, so is the intimacy. And reciprocally, when the intimacy is going great so is the relationship. But if you knew some of the secrets to keep the sex and intimacy going well in the meantime, you could avoid a lot of the fights, tension and distress that go along with(out) it.

Here are 4 clues from a marriage counselor to help you solve the puzzle of intimacy.

Clue #1: You really don't know your body

You see your body every day in the mirror when you get out of the shower. You've had embarrassing medical conditions, and you know what clothes you do (and don't) look good in. Because of this, you think you're an expert about your body. But when it comes to sex, you really don't know yourself as much as you think you do.

Many sexual experiences require two people, so there's no way that you can familiarize yourself with everything you like and don't like in the bedroom. Sure, some things might look pretty exciting in the movies or reading about them in magazines, but that doesn't mean you'll actually like them once you try them. So the bedroom becomes a learning place for you to get to know your body and what you actually do and do not like.

Clue #2: Your partner really doesn't know your body

In the movies, you see couples intuitively reach for each other, begin kissing and they seem to intuitively know what to do to drive each other wild. But the truth is they know what to do because it's scripted.

When it comes down to sex in real life, it's not nearly as intuitive as what you see in the movies. Your partner doesn't know what you think they know, and it's not as intuitive for them to know what drives you wild, either. Give your partner a break and don't expect them to magically know what you like and don't like. Communicate openly about what you want to do or try and don't be surprised if they ask you questions along the way. A little communication can really help spice things up in your marriage.

Clue #3: There's no replacement for good old fashioned communication

In the dating world, it's the guys' job to ask the girl out and plan the date. He doesn't even know the girl but if he guesses right, and goes somewhere she likes, he's rewarded with another date. Unfortunately, this kind of guessing game is awful when it comes to marriage.

In marriage, there's no replacement for good old fashioned communication. If you want to know why your sex life is lagging, it's best just to ask. Sure, it's not very romantic but your marriage is too precious to waste time on inaccurate guessing. Sit down with each other and talk about what's bothering you. And don't expect each other to have the answer. Oftentimes, your partner is trying to figure it out the same as you are.

Clue #4: Intimacy in marriage communicates something deeper

When you were in high school or college you knew friends who would have sex just for fun. It wasn't hard for them because bodies are biologically wired to get aroused and they just needed to find an arousing partner. But in a marriage, sex is more important than "just for fun." Sex creates feelings of connection, intimacy and love. It also can create feelings of anger, embarrassment and even feelings of being used.

Because of the many emotions that sex can evoke, it becomes a unique form of communication between a couple - for good and for bad. Sex can be a communication to celebrate an anniversary or to end a fight. It can also start a fight or make your partner pay for saying something mean. When you view sex as a form of communicating, you're more deliberate about it. You're also more deliberate about why you're doing it.

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Everyone knows that fighting isn't good for your marriage. So if you're like most couples, you try to avoid fights when you can. But as a marriage counselor, you might be surprised to find out that not fighting might not be as bad as you might think. Sometimes, fighting can even be good for your marriage. In fact, there can be some pretty good communication that goes on when a couple fights. You get a chance to really know how your partner feels and you get some things off your chest that you wouldn't talk about otherwise.

Sure, there are some fights that can be pretty bad for your marriage (like, say, arguing about an affair). But just because you and your partner fight, doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. There are a lot of common fights that couples have that you really don't need to stress about at all.

Here are 7 examples:

1) Money

It's a sad fact that people need money to get by. And there are as many different spending habits as there are people in the world. Put these both together and it means that you and your partner are not going to be perfectly compatible when it comes to money. But don't worry, just because you fight about money doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. It just means you're different people, and you're trying to agree on something.

2) Parenting

The fact that you argue about parenting doesn't mean your bad parents. In fact, it usually means just the opposite. And usually, when two caring parents come together to talk about their kids whatever outcome comes from it is pretty good - even if you're arguing about it. So don't stress out if you two don't agree. The fact that you're arguing shows you care enough that whatever happens next will usually be alright.

3) In-laws

There's a reason that there are so many jokes about in-laws: it's really common to fight about them. Don't worry, you only have to see them once in a while, and then you'll get back to being a happy couple again soon enough.

4) Dirty socks, dishes, etc

Remember in college when you had that roommate who wouldn't pick up after themselves? Well, you still made it through the school year, right? So if your partner isn't as clean as you'd like, don't sweat it. It's usually not that big of a deal, and you'll get by just fine together still.

5) What color to paint the living room?

Just like money, there are as many different tastes as there are people in the world. So you and your partner aren't going to agree on every little decorating detail. When it comes to decisions on personal taste don't worry when you argue about it. Instead, allow yourselves to agree to disagree.

6) Being late

Yeah, that was a mean thing for your partner to be late to your dad's birthday party. And yes, you should be mad at them for it. That doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. There are many other things that will come up they can be on time for.

7) Politics

So you're a Republican, and your spouse is a Democrat. Maybe they believe in global warming, and you don't. So what? Just because you have different beliefs doesn't mean your incompatible and your relationship is headed for disaster. It's okay (in fact, it's healthy) for couples to have separate identities from each other, and have different interests, likes/dislikes, beliefs, etc.

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As a marriage counselor, couples come to me for help every day-and I don't just mean people who step in my office. I get questions from friends, neighbors and even people who randomly sit by me on the bus. I don't mind the questions. Honestly, I don't (I guess that's what happens when you love what you do). But I sure do get a lot of them.

Of all the questions I get, there's one question that comes up perhaps the most often: "So, any tips to make your marriage stronger?" I usually then go off on some long monlogue about all the many things couples can and should do and how there's a new trend in society that helps in some ways but hinders in others. And by the time I'm done, they're looking at me with a blank stare probably regretting they ever asked. So instead of getting my monologue, you get it here briefly.

Here are 6 scientifically proven ways you can strengthen your marriage.

1. Create rituals

Growing up, one of my Boy Scout leaders would bring his wife and 4 daughters up to our Boy Scout camp on the day of the big hike. He did this every year. They were the only 5 girls we saw for that entire weekend, and it could have been awkward for them, but they didn't care. Hiking was an important ritual for their family, and they didn't let anything come between them and this important time hiking.

In marriage, couples need to make important rituals with each other, too. Create something that is uniquely yours and don't let anyone/anything get in the way. This could be a sport like softball, a hobbie like re-finishing furniture or it could be camping at the lake during summers. Whatever it is, make it uniquely yours and make sure you do it often.

2. Talk positively

Marriage researcher John Gottman discovered that couples who fight more aren't actually at more risk of divorce. In fact, he didn't find much correlation between arguing and divorce at all. What he did find, though, was that couples who didn't talk positively with each other were more likely to divorce. In his research he found happy couples had 5 positive communications to every 1 negative communication with each other.

What this means is that instead of criticizing your partner for not cleaning up after himself/herself, try to find something positive to say instead. You can thank him for something he did, congratulate her for getting that account at work or tell him he looks nice, just to name a few.

3. Turn towards your spouse

When you see your partner sad or in a bad mood you may be playing with disaster to ask what's wrong. It might even cause a fight depending on what he/she is sad/mad about. But marriage researcher John Gottman says not to ignore it.

Addressing your partner's emotional state instead of ignoring it is a behavior called "turning towards." Turning towards your partner is a scientifically proven method to make your marriage better.

4. Make quality time for your marriage

Michelle Weiner Davis, a marriage counselor and author of Divorce Busting, states, "I'm convinced that the single biggest contributor to the breakdown in relationships today is the fact that couples aren't spending enough time together."

She states that couples make other things priorities like work, kids, career, etc., but they dont' make each other a priority. If you want to make your marriage work, make sure to take time to work on your marriage.

5. Wait to get married

Research shows couples who marry later (age 25+) are less likely to get divorced. So, if you're in love, take your time. Don't rush it. The rest of your marriage will benefit if you do.

6. Show your spouse he/she matters

Whenever you're having a bad day, there's a piece inside everyone that tries to tell you you're unimportant and you don't really matter. But in good relationships, the opposite happens.

Relationship researcher and founder of emotionally focused therapy, Sue Johnson, shows how strong relationships happen when both spouses are trying to show each other they are important and they matter. This creates a strong attachment and deepens intimacy. So, go ahead, let your partner know how important they are to you. Your relationship will flourish if you do.

The post 6 scientifically proven ways to strengthen your marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.