Have desire differences created problems in your marriage?

Sooner or later, most couples experience problems in this area. Desire problems are the most common sexual complaint for couples.

But what about (cue the dramatic music) if you're the wife who has higher desire for sex than your husband?

It's natural to feel bad about having sexual desire differences, especially if you believe that sex is a natural function. Most people believe that love automatically creates sexual desire in healthy people. And at first glance, this makes a lot of sense.

But if you buy into the belief that sexual desire comes "naturally," you're in for a load of problems. You'll feel pressured to create something that just isn't there. You'll get defensive and despondent when problems surface in your sex life.

You may even begin to feel defective or screwed up. In turn, it's less likely that you'll address these sexual desire problems, and even less likely you'll succeed if you do. Add to this the seemingly taboo-ness of a man with low sexual desire (not as uncommon as you'd think).

When you believe that sex is a natural function, it sucks to be the low desire spouse. You may see yourself as the one with the problem … plus, it's likely that your spouse (the high desire spouse) sees you that way too.

The other big problem with approaching sexual desire as a natural biological function is it actually helps create low sexual desire because it makes sexual desire impersonal. It's hard to desire sex when it feels like your spouse just wants to relieve their physical or emotional needs.

Know this: There's always a low desire spouse, and there's always a high desire spouse – and there's one of each in every marriage.

There's a low desire spouse and a high desire spouse on virtually every issue and decision in marriage. One of you wants to do something the other doesn't, or wants to less than you. And even if you both want the same thing, one of you will want it more than the other. Plus, no one is the low desire or high desire on everything. Positions shift on different issues throughout the marriage.

Desire differences are going to happen. And the positions you take (low or high desire) are simply points on a continuum.

The most freeing point of this view, neither the high desire position nor the low desire position is right or wrong. They're simply differences.

Let's say you want to have sex every day, you'd likely think that would make you the high desire spouse. But if you're married to a person that wants sex two times per day, you're the low desire spouse. Desire isn't either high or low due to biological drive, past history, or even how much you like sex – it results from some standard of comparison, usually, this is your spouse.

If you buy into this idea, it will help you stop the arguments over how much sexual desire is normal or healthy.

Let me state it this way – I really like sex.

I also really like chocolate – but not every day.

When my wife and I have attempted to have sex every day for a certain number of days in a row, it becomes burdensome and impersonal. But does that mean the couples who have sex more often than us are better or healthier than us? Nope.

Same for those that are less frequent. This is that comparison devil rearing its head again.

Differences are going to happen in marriage. Especially when it comes to sexual desire. Why? Because this is how relationships are designed to operate. There's more going on than "happily ever after."

When it comes to marriage, the relationship is driven by more than just feelings, and it helps to realize that feelings aren't always accurate. Feelings are open to interpretations. And our feelings can lead us to believe that when your spouse isn't interested in sex like you are, there must be something wrong.

Well, things going wrong and things not going the way you want are two different things.

And, if you can see that there's actually nothing going wrong, it's more likely you can turn things around and make them more to your liking.

The beauty of seeing desire differences (regardless of gender) as points on a continuum is it reframes the "problem." Couples have often sought ways around this problem. Or, more aptly stated, high desire spouses have sought ways to increase their spouse's desire.

But, inevitably, the low desire spouse will control sex. Here's how this works:

1. The high desire spouse makes most, if not all, of the overtures and initiations for sex.
2. The low desire spouse decides which of the sexual overtures he or she will respond to.
3. Which determines when sex happens. Giving the low desire spouse de facto control of sex – whether he or she wants it or not.

When you look at it this way, it seems simple.

The key is – how you experience this, and handle this, will say a lot about you regardless whether you're the high or the low desire spouse.

The fact that you experience desire differences doesn't necessarily mean there is something going wrong – and shifting your perspective could change everything.

It could open the door to you both using your sexual desire differences more productively. Desire problems can be useful to people and relationships – they push you to become more solid within yourself.

Being in a committed relationship brings two life forces front and center. The drive for togetherness and the drive for separateness. The desire to connect and share experiences with another person and the refusal to submit to another person's tyranny.

When it comes to sexual desire, the low desire spouse understands tyranny. He or she feels oppressed, pressured to want sex and have sex, thanks to the badgering by their spouse's higher desire. BUT, the high desire spouse understands tyranny too. He or she will feel the pressure to have sex when and how it's available since opportunities may be few and far between. They must settle for "getting lucky" rather than feeling wanted. And on top of all this, they usually must act grateful for mediocre sex.

Sex is a common gridlock issue. And gridlock in marriage is inevitable … but also resolvable. When it comes to sex, sure, the low desire spouse can stop having it, but there's usually a limit to how far you can play that card if you want to stay married – particularly happily married.

So what can you do?

You must realize that what we're talking about here is not just sex. There's a whole lot more going on.
Most of the time, sex is approached from an other-validation stance (also called a reflected sense of self).

Take intimacy for example. Other-validated intimacy involves one spouse disclosing feelings, perceptions, doubts, fears, and inner truths and the other spouse 1)accepting, validating, and empathizing, and/or 2) disclosing in kind.

Other-validation hinges on reciprocity. In sex this plays out as I'll do you then you do me. What this actually does is boosts or shores up your reflected sense of self.

Here's something you must get straight in your mind:

Being intimate with your spouse doesn't mean you get the response you want.

Marriage is an interdependent relationship – its resilience lies in both spouse's ability to function independently.

The balance between your reflected sense of self and your solid flexible self has a dramatic effect on your level of sexual desire and passion – and whether or not you miss it when they're non-existent.

You may be a good person with fine values and good intent, but if your anxieties drive you to avoid things or act impulsively, you'll do things that violate your integrity, ideals, and goals, and diminish your self-worth. You'll react harshly to other family members when your anxiety is high, which may go against your ideal of being a good solid parent, which then makes you feel guilty, thus your self-worth takes another hit.

When it comes to sex, as I stated before, there's more going on than just sex.

Look at it this way – I'm the high desire spouse in my marriage, and I've learned there are many things I can do to get my wife to have sex with me. I can woo her, set up a romantic date, get her several drinks, manipulate, beg, persuade, plus many other things that may work. But, none of these tactics make her want me.

That's something I can't control.

When it comes to being wanted … all I can do is present something worth wanting.

And something worth wanting develops best when you confront yourself, challenge yourself to do what's right, and earn your own self-respect.

A scary proposition, yes. But it’s the way a marriage fully alive really works.

The post Sexual Desire Differences, What If There’s Nothing Going Wrong? appeared first on FamilyToday.

Then when we add in the complexities, and at times drudgeries, of relationships, we've got a recipe for struggle and life-sucking burden.

Or do we?

I think what helps keep us in relationships is the hope of rediscovering the feelings we experienced at the beginning. You know the ones. Obsessive. Blindingly optimistic. And idealistically distorted.

We could talk for hours about nothing (and everything). Hanging on every word and hating the fact that eventually one of us would have to actually sleep in order to function the next day.

As the relationship continued and the lustful longings inevitably fade, they are replaced by completely different ones. And if you've been watching too many sappy movies or binging the Bachelor/ette you think there is something horribly wrong with your marriage.

Where did the passion go?

Society seems to have an idealized view of passion.

Hollywood definitely does. Just watch most any award speech from whomever just won something, and you'll likely hear their advice of  "Don't let anyone tell you you can't follow your passions and dreams. Don't settle. Dreams can come true!"

This feels right because it plays off our romantic view of life and relationships. We love seeing the hero get the girl. The happily-ever-after ending. It feels good. So the capitalistic forces took it and ran with it to sell more stuff and make more movies.

But passion, and love, and romance are far more complicated than we've been led to believe by Hallmark, Hollywood, and commercials. Nowhere do we hear that passion can be unsexy. That it can sometimes even include unpleasant activities that still need to get accomplished because a mortgage doesn't pay itself, nor does food simply appear on the table.

The truth is passion and love require self-discipline and a certain amount of sustained effort over the course of months, years, decades, and a lifetime.

So the problem here isn't passion. Or even love. It's never these.

It's priorities. It's choices.

To a lesser extent, our expectations get in the way as well.

We have bought into the idea that we should be loving what we do for a job, who we come home to each evening and should be unable to get to sleep each night because we're either passionately sweating up the sheets with our spouse or so excited to wake up the next day and once again get back to doing what we love!

These types of expectations are what make it so easy to get lost each evening in watching others or surfing online to see those who appear to actually be living and doing what they're passionate about.

Look, here's a slap in the face for you: every job sucks sometimes. So does every marriage.

There's no such thing as some passionate activity or aspect of married life that you will never get tired of, never get stressed over, and never complain about.

It simply doesn't exist.

Welcome to life.

The painful truth about life on life terms - and relationships on relationship terms - is the real work begins after the credits roll. After you say "I do." After you wake up one morning years into married life and wonder if perhaps you married the wrong person.

The real work of passion and love is all the boring, dreary, unsexy things that nobody else sees or appreciates.

Like most things in social media today, the portrayal of passion is limited to the highlight reel. All the nuance and complexities of actually creating a life and relationship with passion are swept away to make room for the exciting click-bait headline.

And we still click it. We can't help it.

Most of us have been so inundated by these messages throughout our entire lives that we have come to mistake the excitement and drama of love and passion for the whole relationship itself. We get swept away and can't imagine anything that could possibly go wrong between us and our spouse. We think we can ignore their faults or failures (and we forget about our own), all we see is limitless potential and possibility.

This is not passion. This is not love.

This is delusion. And most delusions usually don't end well.

Yet another slap to the face: You probably already have something you're passionate about, but you're ignoring it.

At one point you were motivated and excited and willing to do all the behind the scenes, unsexy things your passions required until one day you got some push-back from a parent, family member or spouse and your passions went underground.

Reality is we give up a great deal of ourselves for a relationship, and in turn, marriage, to occur. But if we don't find a way to create these aspects of our self again as the marriage evolves, we expect that our spouse will fill that void. Not gonna happen. They can't possibly accomplish that for us.

So does this mean I'm encouraging you to finally follow your dreams of being a leading a breakaway from the Peloton in the next Tour de France who's willing to risk your home, kid's college fund, and even your newborn baby's next meal?

Uh, no!

I am saying that you still have choices, however. And these choices are yours - and yours alone!

You may know full well that your spouse isn't interested in testing out the waters of "living off of our love" while you pursue your life-long passion of finally competing in the Tour de France at the young age of 47, but you still have the choice to organize a Saturday morning ride around your home town. "Yeah, but they'll be mad if I'm gone all Saturday morning" you may say. To which I'll reply, "Okay. So your real choice is your passion or your spouse's anger."

We always have a choice in life. Always. So once again, it comes down to priorities.

The real truth is you are already passionate about something. Perhaps many things. You're just choosing to ignore them. Or you're not willing to take the hit for them.

Recognize that this has been your choice, then perhaps in the future, when facing this same scenario again, you can make a different choice.

The post The Problem Isn’t Passion appeared first on FamilyToday.

But wait, there's still sex happening you say? Yep, there is. But imagine how much stress and pressure there is in this relationship.

Think about it. You're in a marriage where sex hasn't occurred for months (or years), and you're approaching a moment where it looks like it may happen. How much pressure do both people feel at this moment?

The sex almost has to be good or who knows how long it will be before it happens again. In this environment, how easy is it to relax and enjoy the moment? To calmly let things unfold and follow the connection together? What if something doesn't work? What if it is over too fast? How much time is spent in foreplay? Talking? Looking into each other's eyes? And how much eroticism is in this moment? Passion?

These types of moments are pressure cookers for relationships.

A sexless marriage includes a great deal of pain, heartache, loneliness, and frustration. But ... it is still a relationship. And therein lies the path to growth and intimacy again.

Marriage is designed for our growth.

Growing up (differentiation) always involves balancing two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness. It is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others —especially as they become increasingly important to you.

For many people, growing up in the close confines of marriage becomes virtually impossible. It is not possible to view one's own needs as valid if those needs appear to contradict the needs of a spouse and/or other close family members (e.g. children). It comes across as selfish or controlling.

What happens is people create a reflected sense of self, which involves needing continual contact, validation, and consensus from others in order to feel good about ourselves.

Fact is, this is how many of us view ourselves - through the prism of how others see us.

This is the elegance (and frustration) inherent in marriage relationships. And this sets up quite the quandary - how can someone think about leaving the main relationship that defines them?

This is the anxiety that creates a sense of being stuck.

To speak bluntly, the less grown-up person will be so hamstrung by their anxiety that they will feel powerless to change things and will consequently stay in the relationship, even with the pain and frustration.

But, it is not only the less grown-up person who may choose to stay - growing up (i.e., differentiation) is not selfish. It is not about always putting yourself ahead of everyone else. You can choose to be guided by your spouse's (and others) best interest, even at the price of your individual agenda.

The significant difference here is that the choice is a genuine choice - not one mandated by anxiety. And, this choice doesn't leave you feeling like you're being ruled by the needs of others.

For most of us, growing up does not lead to accepting more of the same because we come to realize the truth of marriage is not about soothing each other. It's about learning to stand on your own two feet.

In a sexless marriage, the essential element missing is intimacy - and growing up involves recognizing how to achieve it. Intimacy develops best through conflict, self-validation and unilateral disclosure. It is a process of both confronting yourself and self-disclosure to your spouse. Not just self-disclosure as we often believe.

This two-pronged approach to intimacy will require handling your self much better than you may have thus far. The reason is because intimacy requires self-disclosure first, then perhaps safety and security appear. Or not.

It takes courage to say something like this... "I don't expect you to agree with me; you weren't put on the face of the earth to validate and reinforce me. But I want you to love me - and you can't really do that if you don't know me. I don't want your rejection - but I must face that possibility if I'm ever to feel accepted or secure with you. It's time to show myself to you and confront my own separateness."

Self–validated intimacy involves providing support for yourself all while letting yourself be truly known.

A scary proposition.

As you achieve a higher level of growing up, revealing yourself is less dependent on your spouse's moods or life's minor ups and downs. You learn that you are more capable of expressing who you are in the face of neutral or even negative responses from those around you.

You also can begin to unilaterally push the boundaries of your relationship, because you feel less threatened when your spouse refuses (or even starts) to grow.

On the flip side, the lower the level of your growth, the more prone you are to engage in highly dependent relationships where you wind up trying to control your spouse in order to maintain "control" of yourself.

In a sexless marriage, spouses are stuck in this system until one of them realizes the dynamics at play between them (these same dynamics are at play in every marriage by the way).

1. There will be a high desire and a low desire for sex - and the person with the least desire for sex will control the sex. But having that person control your sense of adequacy is optional.
2. Reviving sexual desire is not as simple as "resolving past hurts." Bringing sex back to the relationship involves a two-choice dilemma - a situation necessitating a choice between two or more anxiety-provoking alternatives. "I don't want to have sex with you, and I want you to be okay with that and not leave me."

A key fact to remember with two-choice dilemmas, the choice is not between being anxious or not – it is between one anxiety and another. When relationships hit gridlock, we want two choices. The problem is we only get one at a time. You make a choice, and then your spouse gets to make his or hers (or vice-versa).

It is times like this when couples get creative and think they can avoid the two-choice dilemmas of life. This is when you encourage your spouse to "be reasonable" — so you don't really have to choose. But you must realize, you and your spouse are not in the same boat, so you can't steer your boat and your spouse's at the same time.

This is how both spouses collude to create a sexless marriage that remains in this state for long periods of time.

The low desire spouse has made it known they are not interested in sex, and the high desire spouse colludes in this by failing to act because they don't want to have to choose.

On the other hand, expecting your low desire spouse to sacrifice for you in the name of love will also kill the marriage, sex, intimacy, and love.

So both spouses remain in a "no man's land" - not happy with what they have and not willing to risk the anxiety that making a choice will create.

Anxiety in marriage (and life for that matter) is inevitable.

Here's how you can determine if anxiety is crippling you:

• You can't remain calm in the face of your spouse's agenda/needs/wants.
• You are reactive and have a poor self-image so you can't change your position even when it's in your best interest.
• You refuse to see your spouse as a separate person (the two shall become one idea).
• You are unwilling to tolerate the anxiety of personal growth.

Growing up involves choosing. So does the act of having sex. Choosing is the path to growing up in married life.

Because growing up is the process of:

1. Maintaining a clear sense of who you are as you become increasingly intimate with a spouse who is increasingly more important to you; knowing what you value and believe as well as not defending a false or inaccurate self-picture.
2. Maintaining the proper perspective about your anxieties, limitations, and shortcomings so that they neither drive nor immobilize you.
3. The willingness to engage in self-confrontation necessary for your growth.
4. Acknowledging your projections and distortions and admitting when you are wrong - whether or not your spouse reciprocates or even cares.
5. Tolerating the pain involved with growth. It is mobilizing yourself toward the growth you value and aspire to while soothing your own hurts when necessary, without excessive self-indulgence. This is supporting rather than berating yourself.

The dilemmas of married life can't be avoided, but they can be grown through. They require a willingness to risk and humility to learn new ways and paths through life.

It takes tremendous personal courage to grow through gridlock. But the outcome is so worth it. Not only might it produce a great marriage, more importantly, it will produce a relationship with your own authentic self - someone you may not have been introduced to previously.

The post Sexless Marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

The schedule revolves around feedings, changing, bedtime, bath time, homework, and on it goes. It is inevitable that just when you think the kids are asleep, and you make a move with your spouse, the baby starts crying or your other child ends up standing at the foot of the bed. Passion wanes. Time for adventure disappears. It is, however, possible to capture time with your spouse before passion fades. Here are a few ideas:

Establish a schedule.

This is not only great for the kids and their development, but it also helps create time for each other. This could be done as simply as scheduling a weekly dinner or lunch date. A coffee break together. Or a regular sexual encounter together (scheduling this does not lessen the passion and heat despite the lack of spontaneity; you can be spontaneous during the encounter). By having something scheduled, you create room for anticipation.

Utilize babysitters or family members.

There are many very capable teenagers out there interested in earning a little bit of money while you take your spouse out for the evening. The beauty of this option is the kids get someone new to play and interact with, while you get a break together. Be sure to plan out the evening away in order to ensure you don't return home until after the kids are in bed asleep. That way, if the date has gone well, there will be the possibility of being invited in for an uninterrupted "nightcap." To create a greater flow towards the end of the date, look for a babysitter that either drives or can get to and from your home easily. An even better option is to utilize family members that live nearby. It is amazing to me the number of couples I have met that have not had their kids stay overnight with family members or friends. Not only do you and your spouse benefit from this time, but your kids also do as well. They experience an expanded range of people who love and care for them. This can set a foundation for greater self-confidence and growth as they develop. It also begins to create a village mindset in the raising of your children. The best thing about the family option is the likelihood that the kids would be out of the house the whole night.

Secret signals or code words.

It is often difficult to have conversations that may lead to deeper, more intimate connections when you are interrupted every five minutes by one kid tattling on the other or needing something from you for their homework or wardrobe. This can be overcome by creating another language or codes to use with each other. This language or code should be based on whatever you would be saying to each other if given the opportunity. If this type of language is not part of your normal dialogue, then it would need to be created altogether. It could be as simple as lighting a candle that is centrally located in the home as a signal one of the parties is interested in an encounter. Whether the encounter is sexual or emotional is up to you. Or it could be as complex as learning a second language. How great of a motivation would it be if you were trying to woo your spouse in another language? And if your kids begin to understand the language, they would only discover more about the love and desire you have for your spouse. There are far worse things they probably already know about you.

Be a lover to your kid's other parent.

As your kids grow older, there is nothing wrong with informing them of your plans to be alone with your spouse. You don't have to give all the details, but claim the time you want to spend with your spouse and let the kids know they are not invited to join or interrupt. When your spouse and the marriage are a priority, the kids benefit. In fact, research is now showing that when marriage is the focus rather than the kids, it is better for the family. I have always believed that the best thing you can do for your kids is to love your spouse. Let them also appropriately see you love them as well. Hold hands, talk, hug, kiss, sit by each other and cuddle in front of your kids. They may be jealous that they aren't getting the attention, but in time, they'll be glad you paved the way for their relationships.

Kids in the home present some obstacles to passion in marriage, but they aren't the only reason passion wanes. By overcoming the hurdles of kids, you are faced with what else may be going on in the marriage. The kids can provide a buffer for a stale marriage. If that's the case, more work will need to be done individually and relationally to address the other concerns. Marriage is work. But the things in life that require work are more valuable and more worth it.

The post How to Have Passion and Adventure in Marriage With Kids Still Living at Home appeared first on FamilyToday.

Why?

Because the marriage of your dreams is not likely the marriage of your spouse's dreams. One of the hurdles to creating a close intimate connection with your spouse is an unrealistic togetherness expectation. Stated another way, this is idealized or fantasy togetherness. In my mind, expectations are really planned disappointments.

So what expectations did you bring into your marriage?

You and I both have them.

Here's a list of common ones.

1. You want a relationship with your spouse that is

• just like the family you grew up in (denying the reality of weaknesses in your family of origin).
• or nothing like the family you grew up in (denying the reality of strengths in your family of origin).

2. You want your spouse to make up for the damage you experienced in your family of origin either

• by providing what you did not get.
• acceptance, validation, approval, security, etc. OR
• by accepting your extremes (clinging or distancing) without requiring you to mature.

3. You want to feel loved, accepted, and appreciated for your uniqueness and you expect to feel safe and cherished.

• Romantic love should make everything right with the world.
• If he/she truly loved me, he/she would understand my needs and wants and know what to say or do to meet my needs and wants.

4. My spouse wants the same things from our relationship that I want, so if I give him/her what I want, he/she will give it back to me.

• A "give to get" relationship

Answer this: How often do you give up or rearrange yourself for the sake of connection and/or intimacy?

A far too common belief about intimacy is an expectation of trust and reciprocal disclosure as a requirement for deeper levels of intimacy.

It would sound something like this: "I'll tell you about me, but only if you tell me about you. If you don't, I won't either. But I want to, so you have to. I'll go first, and then you are obligated to disclose too: it is only fair. Before I go first, you have to make me feel secure because I need to be able to trust you."

Does safety (i.e. trust) as a requirement for intimacy, foster true self-disclosure? Or does it foster self-presentation?

What's the difference you ask?

Self-disclosure is exactly what it sounds like – a revealing of yourself, be it thoughts, beliefs, ideas, reactions – in the presence of another person. But true self-disclosure also involves a bit more. It involves a willingness to reveal myself to another and take responsibility for myself in a relationship with them.

Tell me if this sounds like self-disclosure:

I feel abandoned when you tell me you're going to do something with your friends, and I'm not invited to join.

On the surface, this sounds like self-disclosure – but it's not. This is more like manipulation than a disclosure. I'll tell you about my abandoned feelings in hopes that you'll change, so I don't feel abandoned.

True self-disclosure would go more like:

When you tell me you're going to do something with your friends and not me, I feel scared because I don't feel good enough about myself, nor do I feel strong enough within myself to be alright without you. Consequently, I want to respond to my fear by controlling you and forcing you to stay and do things with me whether you want to or not, so I don't have to deal with my fears and own inadequacies.

Is self-disclosure safe within any relationship?

That's not a guarantee beforehand. What's revealed could be used against you. But self-disclosure presents the opportunity to get to know yourself in the presence of your spouse.

Self-presentation, on the other hand, is the portrayal of what you think your partner wants to encounter, or what you think the situation calls for – it's not a revealing of yourself.

Many people state they're interested in intimate relationships or that they want more intimacy in their marriage – here are a few things to know about intimacy and intimacy expectations:

• Intimacy is just as likely to be disconcerting and uncomfortable as it is to be warm and fuzzy.
• Obsession with intimacy leads to less satisfying relationships.
• People who pursue only intimate relationships limit the pleasure and freedom of less demanding relationships.
• Seeking understanding is often a demand for your partner to understand you the way you understand yourself.
• "Accept me the way that I am."
• Asking your spouse for validation of your inaccurate self-portrait.
• Demanding that your spouse understands what you yourself haven't figured out about you.

Many times the complaint about lack of intimacy is actually the inability to tolerate the intense awareness of self and/or other.

When your spouse tells you that they have no interest in travel, knowing full well that you love to travel, what happens to you? Do you feel rejected and unloved? Do you appreciate your spouse's willingness to tell you who he/she is, whether you like it or not? Do you immediately plan to give up travel or get a new spouse?

What about a third option – you can accept that your spouse is not you, and you can both love your spouse, and love to travel.

Marriage presents countless opportunities for self-disclosure due to the differences between you and your mate. But a truly intimate relationship only occurs when you show up - as the real you.

It's a leap of faith, yes, but it's the only pathway to true intimacy.

The post Create More Intimacy in Your Marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

Marriage, even the best of marriages, can take effort and work.

In fact, based on the research I conducted regarding the essential elements necessary for a marriage to thrive, commitment, trust, and respect were in the top five - and each of these require some work to make happen.

Many people still enter into marriage wearing rose-colored glasses.

We long for the Hollywoodization of relationships. Where everything goes smoothly and passionately, and all our disagreements are resolved before the credits roll.

Marriage myths can undermine your relationship.

Rather than falling victim to these myths, take off the glasses and be honest with yourself and your spouse.

You don't have to settle for less. In fact, you likely are reading this post (and Simple Marriage) because you're interested in making your marriage all it can be.

A great marriage is a long-term process — not an overnight miracle.

By uncovering and debunking these marriage myths, you'll see things more clearly in life and marriage.

Myth 1: "A good marriage begins by finding Mr. or Ms. Right."

It's easy to blame problems in marriage on our spouse, which can lead to the belief that they are not Mr. or Ms. Right. Surely, there are couples that really don't belong together. However, the majority of these not-the-right-person beliefs are rooted in unrealistic expectations.

Myth 2: "When couples argue, it destroys the relationship."

You may have entered marriage believing that arguing is bad. You may have expected things to go smoothly, with only a few minor bumps along the way. But then the usual struggles over money, sex, children, and/or sharing responsibilities emerge.

If you don't recognize that all couples face these problems, it's easy to believe something is wrong with your marriage. Some couples choose to distance themselves from each other rather than talk through the problems. In the end, many of these couples let their marriages fall apart because the gulf became too big to find their ways back to each other. Arguing, or better stated - heated discussions, can be a positive force in a marriage.

Myth 3: "Two people in a good marriage automatically grow closer with time."

A good marriage is the product of constant care and nurturing. Think about it this way: what do we know about achieving anything good in life? It takes work. For example, how do people stay physically fit? Certainly not by fantasizing and longing for a rock hard body - a healthy body takes constant attention and work.

The same is true for thriving relationships.

Marriage is very much like a living organism: It is constantly changing.

Partners are not always going to feel close or affectionate toward one another. There are even times when you will be very angry at your spouse, times when you may even question why the two of you married in the first place.

Working through these rough spots is an important part of growing closer. Keep in mind, however, there is nothing automatic about the process.

Myth 4: "Marriage partners can fill the gaps in one another's makeup."

One great joy of marriage is the ability to pool your strengths and talents. If one of you is physical and the other intellectual, you can help expand one another's horizons. However, if you are painfully shy and rely on your spouse to do all the talking, you're going to feel an imbalance.

Assuming rigid roles based on gender also creates an imbalance: like a husband who refuses to help with cooking or cleaning because these tasks are "woman's work" or a wife who refuses to pick up a hammer or screwdriver because "that's the husband's job." Spouses must be flexible in their roles, and willing to work together at all sorts of tasks.

Great marriages are collaborative efforts in which both partners are dedicated to improving — as individuals and as a couple. Each marriage partner brings a unique package of strengths and weaknesses to the table, and each has a separate timetable for growth. But, if one partner's development or contribution is way out of proportion to the other's, this imbalance can undermine the marriage.

Myth 5: "Pursuing your own individual needs is incompatible with making a marriage work."

It still surprises me how many people think happily married couples must do everything together. As if when you get married you cease to exist as an individual.

Each spouse has a separate life apart from that as a marriage partner - because marriage is a choice. And it's still as much of a choice 15 years into it as it was on the first day.

When you choose to get married, you choose to become an integral part of another person's world. That means, among other things, taking an interest in your partner's personal goals, and doing your best to have amicable dealings with his or her family of origin. However, this is a lot different than feeling compelled to do everything together. If you believe this myth, you'll likely find yourself or your spouse feeling trapped in the relationship.

Some marriages require more togetherness; others, more separateness. The trick is finding a balance of togetherness and separateness that works for you.

Myth 6: "The goal of marriage is for both partners to get exactly what they want."

In the past, people married out of economic necessity and to have children. Now some believe marriage is a way to achieve fulfillment and personal satisfaction.

Complaints in marriage often go like this: "I'm just not happy with him anymore. I don't feel fulfilled." These complaints are a result of overblown and misguided expectations.

You may see signs that this myth is interfering with your marriage; one would be when you or your partner say, "If you loved me you would . . . (check the choice or choices that apply):

• Spend more time with my family
• Make love to me more often
• Take the vacation that I want
• Not criticize me so much
• Do more household chores

The message here, "You don't love me unless you do exactly what I want."

There is also a flip side to this myth that shows up when one partner demands that the other accept their love on faith — even when their words and actions convey the opposite message.

Every one of us has a right to want our desires fulfilled, but we must be realistic. Even in the best of marriages, a spouse and the relationship can provide just so much fulfillment. The rest will have to come other sources such as career, family, or from the pursuit of various interests, or even - most importantly - from within.

The post 6 Marriage Myths Debunked appeared first on FamilyToday.

The most common reaction to this is to believe there's something wrong ... either with yourself, your spouse, the relationship, or all the above.

For starters, things going wrong and things not going the way you want are two different things.

Second, if there's nothing going wrong, it's more likely you can turn things around and make them more to your liking.

Previously we've discussed the idea that there's a low desire spouse and a high desire spouse on every issue and decision in marriage. And, no one is the low desire or high desire on everything. Positions shift on different issues throughout the marriage.

The fact is, desire differences are going to happen - and the positions you take (low or high) are simply points on a continuum.

There will be a high desire spouse, and there will be a low desire spouse. And contrary to popular belief, the high desire spouse isn't always male. As the comments in the prior post attest, it's just as likely that the high desire spouse will be female.

While neither the high or low desire position is right or wrong, one thing will be true ... the low desire spouse always controls sex. And this is true whether the low desire spouse wants to, or likes it, or not.

Couples have often sought ways around this problem. Or more aptly stated, high desire spouses have sought ways to increase their spouse's desire.

But, inevitably, the low desire spouse will control sex.

Here's how this works:

1. The high desire spouse makes most, if not all, of the overtures and initiations for sex.
2. The low desire spouse decides which of the sexual overtures he or she will respond to.
3. Which determines when sex happens. Giving the low desire spouse de facto control of sex - whether he or she wants it or not.

When you look at it this way, it seems simple.

The key is - how you experience this, and handle this, will say a lot about you regardless whether you're the high or the low desire spouse.

The fact that you experience desire differences doesn't necessarily mean there is something going wrong - and shifting your perspective could change everything.

It could open the door to you both using your sexual desire differences more productively. Desire problems can be useful to people and relationships - they push you to become more solid within yourself.

Being in a committed relationship brings two life forces front and center. The drive for togetherness and the drive for separateness.

The desire to connect and share experiences with another person and the refusal to submit to another person's tyranny.
When it comes to sexual desire, the low desire spouse understands tyranny. He or she feels oppressed, pressured to want sex and have sex, thanks to the badgering by their spouse's higher desire. BUT, the high desire spouse understands tyranny too. He or she will feel the pressure to have sex when and how it's available since opportunities may be few and far between. They must settle for "getting lucky" rather than feeling wanted. And on top of all this, they usually must act grateful for mediocre sex.

"Marriage: a state of slavery involving two masters and two slaves." - Ambrose Bierce

Sex is a common gridlock issue. And gridlock in marriage is inevitable ... but also resolvable.

When it comes to sex, sure, the low desire spouse can stop having it, but there's usually a limit to how far you can play that card if you want to stay married - particularly happily married.

So what can you do?

Put simply, grow up!

Plus, you must realize that what we're talking about here is not just sex. There's a whole lot more going on.

Most of the time, sex is approached from an other-validation stance (also called a reflected sense of self).

Take intimacy for example. Other-validated intimacy involves one spouse disclosing feelings, perceptions, doubts, fears, and inner truths and the other spouse 1.) accepting, validating, and empathizing, and/or 2.) disclosing in kind.

Other-validation hinges on reciprocity.

In sex, this plays out as I'll do you, then you do me.

What this actually does is boosts or shores up your reflected sense of self.

Here's something you must get straight in your mind: Being intimate with your spouse doesn't mean you get the response you want.

Marriage is an interdependent relationship – it's resilience lies in both spouse's ability to function independently.

Holding on to your self.

The balance between your reflected sense of self and your solid flexible self has a dramatic effect on your level of sexual desire and passion – and whether or not you miss it when they're non-existent.

Plus, there's more to developing your self than simply staying true to your values and goals.

You may be a good person with fine values and good intent, but if your anxieties drive you to avoid things or act impulsively, you'll do things that violate your integrity, ideals, and goals, and diminish your self-worth. You'll react harshly to other family members when your anxiety is high, which may go against your ideal of being a good solid parent, which then makes you feel guilty; thus, your self-worth takes another hit.

Dr. David Schnarch has created Four Points of Balance (all of which are trademarked by him and can be found in his work) that are part of the people developing process of marriage.

1. Solid flexible self – This is the ability to be clear about who you are and what you’re about, especially when your spouse (or others) pressure you to adapt and conform.
2. Quiet mind, calm heart – Is being able to calm yourself down, soothe your own hurts and regulate your own anxieties.
3. Grounded responding – Is the ability to stay calm and not overreact, rather than creating distance or running away when your spouse gets anxious or upset.
4. Meaningful endurance – Is being able to step up and face the issues that bedevil you and your marriage, and the ability to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth. (Schnarch, 2009)

When it comes to sex, as I stated before, there's more going on than just sex.

Look at it this way - There are many things I can do to get my wife to have sex with me. I can woo her, set up a romantic date, get her several drinks, manipulate, beg, persuade, plus many other things that may work. But, none of these tactics will make her want me.

That's something I can't control.

When it comes to being wanted, all I can do is present something worth wanting. And something worth wanting develops best when you confront yourself, challenge yourself to do what's right, and earn your own self-respect.

A scary proposition, yes. But it's the way a marriage fully alive really works.

The post How Desire Differences Help Create a Better Marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

They fall in love and get married shortly after graduation.

For our story Steve is the high sex desire spouse, and Michelle is the low sex desire spouse.

Early in their marriage, Steve's always raring to go. Anytime, anyplace, the more the better. Which, by the way, is part of a lie about what constitutes good sex in our culture.

Michelle likes sex with Steve, at least in the beginning. He's spontaneous, adventurous, and full of energy.

His desire helps her feel free and alive, like tapping into something sexual deep within her. But, she's still unsure who she is sexually (incidentally, so is Steve, although it looks like he isn't because he more closely fits a cultural norm.)

Life as newlyweds wears off, although it too has provided another level of pressure through the perceived perception others have of their "happily married couple" existence together. Maybe kids have entered the picture, or they've struggled to have kids but can't, either way, things begin to change.

Steve is still the high desire spouse and wants sex any way he can get it. But Michelle begins to prefer routine encounters, usually focused on Steve because she's feeling a little bit used but is in a bind of trying to appease him so he'll back off a little, or at the very least stop begging.

In doing so, she sets her inner sexuality (i.e. her desires, identity, and pleasures) aside in an attempt to relieve the pressure from her husband. In fact, between the pressure from Steve and the stresses of her daily life, she sets it aside so much that she forgets she has it and even begins to believe she never did.

Meanwhile, Steve doesn't mind routine sex with Michelle. Certainly not enough to hold out for something more. After all, it's sex! And sex makes him feel less alone, even though he has to resort to pleading and guilting his wife into it.

This leaves him in a real bind. Because this isn't just about horniness, contrary to popular belief, because actually, he'd give up his very soul for sex, and now does so regularly. This happens because he not only accepts but eventually begs for less than what he really wants.

Now we're not talking about the biological drive – we're on to something much deeper.

Michelle picks up on Steve's "neediness" - because at this point, it's presented as need, not desire. Big difference. Steve is in need of validation, and Michelle is in need of relief from the pressure, so she finds one.

She realizes that whatever leftovers she puts out there for Steve, he'll lap it up. So that's all she puts out there - the bare minimum. Thus, the birth of mercy sex. Actually, this is more aptly termed mercy f@%#ing because what's happening isn't just sex, there's an undercurrent of cruelty by both of them, but generally this isn't a socially accepted term among Christian and polite audiences.

Many times couples at this point believe what's really going on is a communication issue. Many professional approaches teach this as well. And sadly, religious communities harm this process further by encouraging believers to submit and serve each other more or show more love and respect.

Most people seem to think that if they could somehow communicate and understand each other better, then everything will be okay. Reality is, Steve and Michelle communicate and understand each other quite well. The problem is, they don't like the message the other is sending.

They've wound up in gridlock.

Steve is seen as either the sex expert or a devious man. Because either sex is natural and everyone should want it (a lot), so what's wrong with Michelle, OR he sees himself as devious and thinks he's all wrong. At the same time, if Michelle is married to a sex expert, then there's something wrong with her so she must need to see a doc or therapist to help "fix" her OR if she's in a marriage with a devious man then she can lord this over him. After all, it's just his nature to be so out of control of himself, so he needs help from a therapist or doc in order to "fix" him.

Many couples endure sexual turmoil and private agony for years without knowing this is normal. And sadly, many couples end the marriage too soon before the process can actually be used for their own personal development boot-camp.

Because bad married sex is an evolutionary (i.e. developmental) process.

When more couples can understand this dynamic, they gain a big boost in working through the inevitable struggles it causes.

People seek out information to help improve their sex life because, sadly, many professionals and even the religious are subtly selling a lie that married sex is supposed to the great, mind-blowing, hot and heavy, all night every night type of sex - or at the very least regular and somewhat enjoyable. Couple this idea with the sexual wounding many people carry into relationships you've got a recipe for major struggle.

But what if there's actually something bigger going on?

Perhaps you, like me, have bought into your own detriments and shortcomings in the sexual arena. So when things don't flow naturally, you believe there must be something wrong.

To be more accurate and change our path forward, let's put it this way.

Married sex can be good sex, really good; like passionate, erotic, transcend you to a higher place kind of good – but only after it's gotten really, really bad - not bad as in kinky, "bad girl/boy" kind of bad - I mean bad.

You see, married sex is bad on purpose. This is because really good sex requires growing up, a.k.a. humility, maturity, generosity, and at least a developing sense of self-respect – and this generally develops later in life when wrinkles, cellulite, and gray hair enter the picture.

Take Michelle's treatment of Steve. Let's say Steve starts paying attention to and caring that Michelle isn't terribly interested in him. Let's say he says that he doesn't get the sense that she is really into him. Let's say that Michelle takes offense and tells him that she's sick of never being enough for him – that she gives and gives and gives, but he is just never satisfied. If you're paying attention here, what you just saw is akin to the mercy f$%*#ing we saw earlier. But what you have just witnessed is called mind f$%*#ing – which is the worst part because it's just plain cruel. It's Michelle trying to make Steve believe that she is truly "giving" and that it's his problem that it's never enough. But the reality is that she may be giving him sex - but she's denying him the sweetness of her.

Instead of being straight about her low sexual desire for him, she turns it into him never being satisfied. It alleviates the pressure on her, but it also prevents them from getting honest and moving out of gridlock.

Now let's look at Steve's part in all this.

Steve has been communicating quite clearly all along that his greater interest lies in getting instant gratification – not only of his sexual drives but also of both his need to be validated and his need to get control. He knows she hasn't been into the sex for a very long time, but he takes it anyway. Some high desire spouses do this with begging and weeping. Some do it with an explosion of rage and physical dominance.

This, my friends is the darker side of marriage – one that most of us don't want to look at – but it's there, nonetheless. And when we're not looking at it straight, it is in charge. But, when we look straight at these things in ourselves, we may feel bad, but over time we can achieve something unique and powerful.

Sex in marriage, especially bad married sex, asks for something from us.

It's asking the Michelle's of the world to deal with the pressure inherent in close relationships with courage, determination, and honesty. It is asking them to play it straight and plunge into the unknown world of letting themselves be truly seen – the good and the bad – and to be honest and assertive by living with more self-respect so that passion, collaborative alliance, and love-making have a chance.

It's asking the Steve's of the world to stop looking to others to define their sense of worth and meaning and to stop punishing others for not defining them in a positive light. It is asking them to recognize in peace where they end and another begins. It is asking them to stop grasping for love and to start being grounded in love.

What we're really talking about here is the development of authenticity and integrity. It's the path to really good sex, and it's what makes the world a better place.

The post Bad Sex Can Be Good For Marriage appeared first on FamilyToday.

Every marriage has its difficulties, and every marriage has its joys.

But when you learn the deadly sins of relationships, you are more likely going to recognize them and then avoid them.

There are many people interested in tips and ideas on how to make a marriage work. I wish I had a magic formula (if I did, I’d already be retired living as a gazillionaire on my own island in the tropics - and of course you could come to visit).

While there is no magic formula, it helps to keep in mind that marriage is designed to help you grow up into a better person.

Here are a couple of other things to do as well:

• spend time alone together
• be kind and respectful to each other
• be intimate often
• love, give, and share with one another.

Just as important as what you should do is what you shouldn’t do — and I’m sure many of you have stepped into these pitfalls yourselves.

I have.

But I’ve worked to learn from my mistakes, and have learned to recognize when I’m making a fatal error, and then how to correct it. If you can avoid these seven things, and focus instead on doing the four things above, you should have a strong relationship. I’m not going to guarantee anything, but I’d give you good odds.

Resentment

This is a poison that starts as something small (“He didn’t get a new roll of toilet paper” or “She doesn’t wash her dishes after she eats”) and builds up into something big. Resentment is dangerous because it often flies under our radar so that you don’t even notice you have resentment, and your partner doesn’t realize that there’s anything wrong.

If you ever notice yourself having resentment, you need to address this immediately, before it gets worse, because resentment turns into contempt. Marriage researcher John Gottman considers contempt as one of the deadliest things in a marriage.

In order to have a great marriage, you must have contempt for contempt within the relationship. Cut it off while it’s small.

There are two good ways to deal with resentment before it evolves into contempt: 1) breathe, and just let it go — accept your partner for who she/he is, faults and all; none of us is perfect, or 2) talk to your partner about it if you cannot accept it, and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you (not just for you); try to talk to them in a non-confrontational way, but in a way that expresses how you feel without being accusatory.

Jealousy

It’s hard to control jealousy if you feel it. It seems to happen by itself, out of our control, unbidden and unwanted.
However, jealousy, like resentment, is relationship poison. A little jealousy is fine, but when it gets to a certain level, it turns into a need to control your partner, leads to unnecessary fights, and makes both parties unhappy.

If you have problems with jealousy, instead of trying to control them, it’s important that you examine and deal with the root issue, which is usually insecurity. That insecurity might be tied to your childhood (abandonment by a parent, for example), in a past relationship where you got hurt, or in something else that happened before your current relationship.

Unrealistic Expectations

Often you have an idea of what your partner should be like. You might expect them to clean up after themselves, to be considerate, to always think of you first, to surprise you, to support you, to always have a smile, to work hard and not be lazy. Not necessarily these expectations, but almost always you have expectations of your partner.
Sometimes, without realizing it, you have expectations that are too high to meet.

Your partner isn’t perfect — neither are you. You can’t expect them to be cheerful and loving every minute of the day — everyone is entitled to their moods. You can’t expect them to always think of you, as they will obviously think of themselves or others sometimes too. You can’t expect them to be exactly as you are, as everyone is different. Plus, you wouldn’t want to be married to a clone of yourself.

Expectations lead to disappointment and frustration, especially when not communicated.

How can you expect your partner to meet your expectations if they don’t know about them? The remedy is to lower your expectations, if not eliminate them entirely (expectations are really just planned disappointments) — allow your partner to be himself/herself, and accept and love them for that.

Not Making Time

This is a problem with couples who have kids, but also with other couples who get caught up in work or hobbies or friends and family or other passions.

Couples who don’t spend time alone together will drift apart. And while spending time together when you’re with the kids or other friends and family is a good thing, it’s important that you have time alone together.
Can’t find time with all the things you have going on — work and kids and all the other stuff? Make time. Seriously — make the time.

It can be done. I do it — I just make sure that this time with my wife is a priority, and I’ll drop just about anything else to make the time. Get a babysitter, drop a couple of commitments, put off work for a day, and go on a date. It doesn’t have to be an expensive date — some time in nature, or exercising together, or watching a DVD and having a home-cooked dinner, are all good options. And when you’re together, make an effort to connect, not just be together.

Lack of Communication

This sin affects all the others on this list — it’s been said many times before, but it’s true: good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship (and in a relationship, you can not communicate, so handle what goes on between you).

If you have resentment, talk it out rather than letting it grow. If you are jealous, communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities.

Speak up about your wants and desires. If there are any problems whatsoever, communicate them, and work them out.

Communication doesn’t just mean talking or arguing — good communication is honest without being attacking or blaming.

Communicate your feelings — being hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad, happy — rather than criticizing.
Communicate a desire to work out a solution that works for you both, rather than a need for the other person to change. And communicate more than just problems — communicate the good things too (see below).

Not Showing Gratitude

Sometimes there are no real problems in a relationship, such as resentment or jealousy or unrealistic expectations — but there is also little to no expression of the good things about your partner either. This lack of gratitude and appreciation is just as bad as the problems because without it, your partner will feel like he or she is being taken for granted.

Every person wants to be appreciated for all they do. And while you might have some problems with what your partner does (see above), you should also realize that your partner does good things as well.

Does she wash your dishes or cook you something you like?

Does he clean up after you or support you in your job?

Take the time to say thank you - give a hug and kiss. This little expression can go a long way.

Lack of Affection

Similarly, everything else can be going right, including the expression of gratitude, but if there is no affection among partners, then there is serious trouble. In effect, the relationship is drifting towards roommate status.
That might be better than many relationships that have serious problems, but it’s not a good thing in the long run.
Affection is important –everyone desires it, especially from the ones we love.

Take the time, every single day, to give affection to your partner. Greet her when she comes home from work with a tight hug. Wake him up with a passionate kiss (who cares about morning breath!). Sneak up behind her and kiss her on the neck. Make out in the movie theater like teenagers. Caress his back and neck while watching TV. Smile at her often. Make eye contact throughout the day.

Bonus Sin: Stubbornness

This wasn’t on my original list but deserved to be added. Every relationship will have problems and arguments — in fact, these conflicts are part of the growing up process. Unfortunately, many of us are too stubborn to even talk about things.

Perhaps we always want to be right.

Perhaps we never want to admit that we made a mistake.

Perhaps we don’t like to say we’re sorry.

I’ve done all of these things — but I’ve learned over the years that this is just childish. When I find myself being stubborn these days, I try to get over this childishness and suck it up, put away my ego, and say I’m sorry.
Talk about the problem and work it out. Don’t be afraid to be the first one to apologize. Then move past it to better things.

Adapted from Zen Habits.

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Growing up in my household, money was one of the subjects that were secretive and silent. The cost of things was hidden from others, and any time a conversation needed to be had about money, the mood was often tense and defensive.

Because of this, I plan on teaching my kids about money. How to talk about it, handle it, plus some skills and habits that will help get them off to a good start.

Most importantly, I hope to have them learn by doing and from my wife and I's example.

There are some basic principles to follow when it comes to money.

1. Set a good example. It's too easy to fall victim to the "do as I say, not as I do" idea. The problem is, kids follow what they see you do more than what you say. If you hope to teach them about controlling their spending, you have to do it as well.
2. Learn about money yourself. You can't teach something you don't know about. Take the time to learn about budgeting, investing, saving, reducing debt, etc. Then you can pass this knowledge on to your kids.
3. Teach them one thing at a time. Your kids are not going to become financial planners overnight. Don't rush it. Plan to teach one lesson at a time, over the course of their childhood.
4. Kids learn best by doing. You can tell them and they may learn some of what you hope, but give them the chance to do it, and they'll learn even more. Let them make mistakes. Then talk about the mistakes with them. It's better to make mistakes while they're young rather than as an adult.

With these principles in mind, here are 11 lessons you can use to teach your kids about money:

Give them control of money.

This is one of the best things you can do for a child. It teaches them that things will not always be given to them. Some things must be earned, saved for, or gone without.This can be as simple as giving your kids an allowance. I am a big proponent of kids having to work for their allowance, however. Even my three year old must make her bed and pick up her books each day in order to receive her allowance of 50 cents each week. By giving her charge of a little money while she's young, she can learn how to handle more money later.

Teach them the value of saving.

As my kids watch their favorite cartoons, I hear them say, "I want that" many times during the commercials. While this is proof that the commercialism and materialism will remain alive and well in our society, it's also an opportunity to teach them about saving money in order to get some things in life. Both my kids get really excited whenever they get the chance to put money in their piggy-bank.This is a simple way to help them start the saving process. As they get older, they'll get the chance to go to the bank and deposit their money into a savings account.

Teach them the value of giving.

Another important aspect of money management for me is the value of giving. We choose to give to our church first, then other causes as the need and funds are available. Wherever you choose to give, teaching your kids to join in the giving is a great lesson.The fact is that our communities need help from each of us. By giving to others, you can help them in their time of need. And who knows, one day the roles could be reversed. It's happened to us, and just when we were working on how to cover this bill or pay for the next set of groceries, some friends surprised us with gift cards taped to our door or other friends shared some of their money.

Teach them how money can make money.

Investing is a great way to make additional money with little to no work. It's one thing to save money and earn a whopping 2 percent; it's another thing to take a bit of a risk and possibly earn much more. Investing works best when the money is not needed for the short term. If your kids are saving for some short term goal, the bank is the safer bet. But if this money is for a longer-term goal, invest away. That way, their money has the chance to make money.Plus, what a great learning opportunity. Teach them about the types of investments available, as well as how to monitor the growth. Capitalism at its finest.

Teach them that cutting expenses can make goals come faster.

As my wife would state, it's simple debits and credits. What's going out versus what's coming in. If your kids can learn this simple concept (although many adults still don't seem to get it), their ability to handle money will be solidified.If your kids want to reach some goal with their savings, then cutting expenses will allow them to reach it faster. It's common sense but worth reiterating.

Teach them how to create a budget.

I know. I know. I used the "B" word, but it's an important aspect of life. Learning how to live within your means is an important aspect of daily life. And budgeting is a great way to help make this happen. This doesn't have to be a complicated thing. Simply sit down with your kids and go over their expenses. The big thing they'd like to save for, the amount they can spend freely, the gifts they need to buy, etc.Obviously, this is adapted to be age-appropriate. But teaching them how to budget while they're young will pay off huge when they are older.

Teach them to pay bills.

Do your kids have their own things? Cell phone? Car? Who pays these bills? Give them the amount in their monthly budget (unless they have a job to pay for these things) and allow them to pay the bills each month. It will teach them a valuable lesson for life. If you don't pay things on time, they get turned off or taken away. You can monitor this process to assist them as they get started, but part of growing up is learning how to take care of yourself and living with the consequences of your actions.

Teach them about the dangers of debt.

This is not a concept my three-year-old can grasp yet, but as she gets older, she will. The amount of debt students are carrying when they leave school today is staggering. Teach your kids about loans, credit cards, and other debts. Give them a credit card with a limit imposed on the card. Teach them how paying the minimum payment on credit cards is often a fast track to getting deeper in debt.

Let them work for their money.

To this day, I'm convinced that I was born in order to mow and do chores for my parents. In fact, I think I learned to walk behind a lawnmower. OK, so not really, but I had to work for the things I received. Let your kids earn their money. This could be through chores around the house to getting a part-time job. If they'd like to earn a little more money, give them extra jobs. It's the way the adult world works, so let them have an age-appropriate taste of it while growing up. It will teach them a better work ethic.

Teach them about materialism.

Every time my kids watch cartoons, during the commercials, I hear, "I want that." Materialism runs rampant in our society. This is due in large part to the effects advertising, marketing, and consumerism has on us all. Teach your kids about the dangers of materialism. Teach them about the goal of advertising: to encourage you to buy their stuff in order to be part of the "in" crowd. When in reality, all you end up with is a house full of clutter and wasted stuff.

Teach them about impulse buying.

This is closely related to the previous point. Teach your kids to pause before buying something. To weigh the costs and the need before spending their money. To learn patience. I realize this may be difficult, but it's a valuable lesson we can all benefit from.

This post is an adaptation of a previous post from Leo of Zen Habits.

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