Extending a loving heart to a fellow who loves you back is nothing out of the ordinary. In fact, it is expected. The best show of love is directed at those who do not exhibit any love toward us. This is the greatest call of love, to which men and women of strength are expected to answer. One must not, however, delude himself into supposing that answering this call is easy. It requires great strength to show love toward an unlovable fellow.

Almost all religions uphold this wonderful virtue of love and every conscience appreciates its significance. Transcending this understanding is the compelling need to show by our deeds our love for those whom we, ordinarily, would have hated. The following ideas can prove extremely helpful in rising up to the occasion:

We must have a clear understanding of what love really is

Having read a myriad of definitions of the word love, I noticed some elements that run through them - the words "unconditional," "unselfish," and "benevolent." Anybody that truly loves someone must show an unconditional and unselfish concern for the good of that person. This concern must be kind and not seeking to profit materially in any way. Showing love toward a person whom you expect to get some benefit from is essentially serving your own interest. A passage from the Bible perfectly encapsulates the foregoing:

"But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you, Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you. And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloak forbid not to take thy coat also. Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again. And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise. For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them. And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same. And if ye lend to them of whom ye hope to receive, what thank have ye? for sinners also lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again, and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil." (Luke 6:27-35 KJV)

Clearly, true love is sincere, unselfish, and completely unconditional.

We must have a forgiving heart

Understanding love leads you to the stage where you demonstrate this love by deeds. In showing this love, you must embody certain great virtues. The first of these virtues is a forgiving heart.

At this stage, take note that an unlovable person will always seize the slimmest opportunity to harm you without showing any feeling of contrition afterwards. Dealing with such a person requires a really big heart. Having a forgiving heart, one is expected to always find a way to forgive those who hurt them and perpetrate all manner of evil against them.

It is not easy, but it is the best way to respond to evil. Henry Wheeler Shaw, the great 19th-century American writer advises, "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness." Even those who wish to avenge ill-treatment from another person should take note that the answer is forgiveness. There is nothing that annoys your enemies more than forgiving them.

We must have a lot of patience

Love calls on us to be longsuffering even in the face of the most annoying and malicious treatments from others. The story of the nature of patience is interesting: Patience is respected and admired, and every day as we forgive a person that hurts us we grow and increase our strength; however, if we decide to lose our patience just one day and try to pay the fellow back in their own coin, we render all the moments of patience we have had in the past completely meaningless.

Showing patience must be a daily affair. It is only in having patience that our will of showing love to an unlovable fellow can be realized. The American statesman Benjamin Franklin once noted, "He that can have patience can have what he will." Therefore, a person who fails to have patience is bound to fail in their effort to show love to those who hurt them. Patience in this regard requires putting up with unfriendly behavior as you extend a hand of love without any reprisal.

We must avoid doing things which ignite hatred

Malicious treatments from an unlovable fellow can be unreasonable. However, we must try the best we can to minimize or eliminate our actions which appear to invite their ill-treatments. For instance, if you wake up at six in the morning to prepare for work, you may have to compete to use the bathroom. If this competition tends to be the spark of an ill feeling with another, change the time you wake up to avoid any clash if you can. This is not a sign of weakness. On the contrary, it is a sign of strength.

Loving a fellow who does not love you back requires a lot of strength. Therefore, Mahatma Gandhi could not have put it better when he remarked that, "A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave." If we succeed in showing love to an unlovable person, great joy shall definitely be our reward.

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Challenges in life are inevitable. We must not be taken aback when we are confronted in life with a small snag or a problem of monstrous dimensions. While some people allow themselves to be crushed by such problems, others turn them into positive outcomes. The difference lies in how we approach life challenges. The following approaches to life challenges can greatly help to turn them into positive outcomes:

Accept life challenges

Most often we tend to resist challenges with passion when, in fact, we must accept them. Accepting challenges does not mean we should just allow the challenges to overwhelm us but rather we should accept that challenges are opportunities for us to grow and therefore must not be despised or allowed to scare you. We should patiently meet the challenge head-on and not try to find ways to cut corners.

I remember when I finished senior high school and took my university entrance examination, I performed very abysmally. I wanted to study physics, but my poor performance in the exam could not get me admission into the university. Instead of calmly accepting the challenge of being left in limbo after high school, I rather decided to explore some backdoor means of getting into the university through a professor I knew. However, this professor could not offer any serious help. Eventually, I was forced to accept my new situation. How I wished I had done that earlier and learned new ways of growing in my situation.

Adapt to your new circumstances

After accepting the challenge, you must begin the process of growing by adapting to your new circumstances. The Longman English dictionary aptly defines adapt as ''to gradually change your behaviour and attitudes so that you get used to a new situation and can deal with it successfully.'' This definition perfectly hits the nail on the head. You must learn the requirements of your new situation and explore right and acceptable ways of dealing with it successfully.

Five years ago, my cousin Elvis, who had completed his first degree, was hunting for a job which proved extremely difficult to get. After many months of failed attempts, he eventually accepted his condition and then began to adapt to it by finding ways of adding more value to his degree. He decided to spend one more year to take a couple of IT courses. This exercise made him more competitive and more qualified. A few months afterwards, he landed a very good job with one of the leading banks in Ghana.

Learn a lesson from the challenge

Every challenge presents us with the opportunity to learn something new. Examine the causes of the problem and find out how you can avert a recurrence. Also, making efforts to overcome your difficulties allows you to learn many new things. For instance, if you were involved in a fender bender just for lack of patience, you can begin to cultivate the quality of patience.

A friend related to me how she went through difficult times with her family when her mother was severely sick to the point that she almost passed away. She told me how those trying moments taught her how to appreciate the life of her mother. Nelson Mandela, during his 27 years in prison, used part of the period to engage in academic exercises. What would have crushed someone, Mandela used as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Make a definite effort to get out of your current situation

After learning the lessons and making all the adaptations the situation requires of you, you must make a decisive effort to improve. You must put into practice all the great lessons gleaned from the experiences you have been through as a result of the challenge. The lessons learned are meant to make you a better person. Therefore, it would be unwise to just keep these lessons without translating them into real change. You must hit the ground running. If you have lost a job, you may be required to take some new courses to enhance your prospects of getting a new job. Continued hunting for a new job without any further development does not really help the situation.

We are bound to face challenges in life. This knowledge of their inevitability is not what really matters. What really matters is how you deal with these challenges when they come. How you choose to approach challenges determines what becomes of them. They can be for good or they can be for bad. However, if you really desire to turn challenges into positive outcomes, then you must meet them with the right attitude.

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Most often, we tend to consider somebody or a group of persons responsible to engineer these changes. However, the lives of many great men and women who have been behind some of the greatest political and social transformations in the world show that such changes start with us, and do not merely emanate from somewhere or someone else. Effectively, we have to be the change that we want to see. The following are some very important rules which can help us to become the change that we want to see:

Have a perfect understanding of the change

The first rule is to ensure that you seek the right change. You must have a great understanding of why things are what they are and what you would like them to be. You must find out why and how the situation has degenerated into an undesirable one. Learn why the situation is what it is, and have a good knowledge of the prerequisites for that required change.

We are familiar with the saying, "Out of the frying pan and into the fire." If we do not fully appreciate a situation, we may initiate a change we will later regret. During World War II, Albert Einstein advised the American government to build atomic weapons. His theoretical formulations in physics led to the invention of these weapons of mass destruction. Though this invention played a very decisive role in ending the war, in the twilight of his life, Einstein hugely regretted driving such a change. His regret was anchored on the knowledge of the sheer destructive nature of atomic weapons, which he gained from the benefit of hindsight.

Quite clearly, Einstein did not fully understand the whole caboodle of the change he sought. Not all changes prove to be desirable in the final analysis. If we yearn to see any change, this change must be a positive one - not a change that makes lives more miserable and exacerbates the current situation. It is important to understand the change, including all its ramifications. Meticulously diagnosing the situation and arriving at a prescription for a positive change is the prelude to being that change you want to see.

Do something in your own small way toward the realization of that change

It would be most unfortunate to have the answers and yet wait for someone else to start fixing the problem. The problem, in fact, may be that the one you expect to start the change may not even know the right answers. No matter how big a change you desire, that change must start with you.

One example of this is when many unemployed look upon the government to provide them with jobs. Yes, governments have a responsibility toward the governed, but a change in attitude and approach can land you the job you fervently desire. You can do volunteer work for a company or an individual instead of wasting time waiting upon government's intervention. As you serve freely, your prospects of getting a great recommendation to get gainfully employed are enhanced, and you enrich your resumé.

It is with this principle in mind that President John F. Kennedy once remarked, ''...ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country....'' The change that we desire starts with our first step.

Have the conviction that the small change you start can cause a mighty one

Some of us who know we must initiate the changes that we want sometimes fail to hold the conviction that the little things we do in pursuit of big changes can be very effective. We must bear in mind that what we can do in our own small ways may not, and, in fact, mostly do not, cause these changes instantly, but, rather, they act as catalysts for a series of events which eventually culminate in the change we want to see.

For instance, the so-called Arab Spring was virtually instigated by the protest of one young man, Mohamed Bouazizi, against ill treatment in his own country Tunisia. Though one may not be well-advised to emulate his style of protest, self-immolation, it shows us the potency of our individual abilities to initiate a mighty change.

I had a flat mate who was extremely unfriendly. I really wanted a change in that relationship so I started making gestures of friendship to him. I would offer him my laptop to do his assignments and other things. Eventually, the relationship changed and he started warming up to me. Today, he lives in another African country, Tanzania, but we remain the best of friends.

Let us be the examples of the change we want

Sometimes we want to see changes which our very lives are at variance with. You cannot expect friends or relatives to treat you better when you treat others badly.

Mahatma Gandhi is a perfect example in this respect. In his quest to advance the cause of humanity, he did not use any inhumane strategies. He used very peaceful means to achieve desirable ends. His life exemplified the change he sought. The best teacher, it is argued, is the example you set. If you want to see a more peaceful world then you must be a pacifist yourself. If you want the gaping chasm between the haves and the have-nots reduced, then embody the principle of charity yourself.

Whether you want to see a small change or a mighty one, the power to make it happen lies in your hands. Be that change today and it shall indeed manifest itself for all to see tomorrow.

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The extended family plays a monumental role in the development of a person as all family members try to support one another in whatever way they can. However, the family, just like many other social institutions, has its fair share of moments when things begin to go haywire. Issues that plague the family are varied and some can be extremely injurious. Here are some tried and true methods for handling common family problems.

Family Feuds

One issue which often bedevils the extended family is family feuds. Several issues may trigger a feud among extended family members. Notable among them is the sharing of the estate of a grandparent who dies, especially if the dead grandparent had many children. My grandmother died five years ago, and since then there has been a very intense and venomous feud in the family. As the feud became insoluble at the family level, the matter was taken to court by my grandmother's eldest daughter for a definitive answer.

Such extended family issues can best be solved by a neutral family head. In African families like mine, there are family heads and these people are expected to mediate impartially in any such family issue. If it turns out that the family head has aligned himself to one faction, it is advisable that the family calls upon a family friend or priest who is very well-respected by the family members to mediate between the feuding groups.

Conflict between demands of extended and nuclear families

Another problem that can gravely disturb the family is the disconcerting conflict between the demands of the extended family and those of the nuclear family which sometimes rears its ugly head. Extended family members try to help one another in times of need. However, it gets extremely unpleasant when family members are not allowed to elect to help, but rather pressured to do so. During times when you can help, it is only nice that you do so - especially when the family member demonstrates genuine need for the help. However, members must also come to terms with the fact that relatives with spouses and children have additional responsibilities and cannot always swoop in to save the day.

Anytime you find yourself entangled in a situation where you have very limited resources and a family member keeps hassling you for assistance while, at the same time, your nuclear family demands that help, you have to explain the issue to the extended family member with the greatest sense of honesty. You must also, lovingly, assure the family member of your readiness and willingness to help if things were better. You shouldn't help the relative at the expense of your nuclear family, unless failure to help the relative would result in extremely dire consequences.

Unexpected house guests

Some family members who travel from another city to the city where you live in might decide to stay in your home. Courtesy demands they let you know they intend to stay in your house before they even embark on the journey. A few friends of mine complain of how their aunts and uncles come to stay in their houses unannounced. Uninvited relatives may be very uncomfortable for your spouse, especially if you do not have adequate space in your house.

It is important that you explain the necessity of prior notification to family members who do that. Explain that having relatives stay without being told beforehand can be very uncomfortable to you, your spouse and your children. Gently insist that next time you get informed before any such visit.

Intrusion into your marriage

Another extended family issue which can pose a great discomfort is the problem associated with intrusion of relatives in one's marriage. For instance, in most African marriages, when a couple doesn't have children after a number of years, the family of the man usually tends to attack the woman for ''her inability to give them a child.'' Such an intrusion can be extremely disturbing.

Be gently firm in making it clear to the family members where the line is drawn. Certain delicate issues in the marriage must be kept only between the husband and the wife. Do not invite family members into the marriage indiscriminately. Be extremely careful and selective about who you invite to help solve problems in your marriage. You must make it clear to family members that you will not accept any intrusion into your marriage. Marriage is supposed to unite the families of the couple. Therefore, the doors and windows of the marriage should be opened to all family members. However, be careful not to allow this union of families to insidiously metamorphose into an intrusion.

Quite clearly, extended family issues are varied, and require level-headedness in finding a solution.

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Vida Adams, a middle-aged woman who sells drinks and biscuits in my university in Accra, tells me how times have become so difficult that for her, following a well-planned budget is not an option but a must. "I would not be able to support my family financially if I did not cook on a well-planned budget'', she says.

Here are two reliable methods that may help:

Plan ahead

The most important thing to do when cooking for a large family on a budget is to plan ahead. Prepare a menu list to guide you on what to cook every week. Going to the grocery store without a list of items can throw your budget out of gear. You are likely to buy certain items which your family may not need sometimes because you find the prices of these items charmingly cheap. I recall, with fond memories, the first time I had to shop for the family; I went to the supermarket without a shopping list, and I remember spending my first ten minutes or more checking the prices of items such as biscuits, chocolates, and drinks, which the family did not need; I was simply enamored by some of the prices of these items so, eventually, I ended up buying a couple of them. The direct effect of this ill-advised action of mine was that my money was not enough to buy all the essential items plus these non-essentials. So I had to spend more time to make sure I get rid of some very unnecessary ones in order to get more of the things I needed. Having a shopping list does not only help you to get all the items you would need or help you to have control over your budget, but it also helps you to save time when shopping - you know what you want, and you go for it.

Buy foodstuffs in bulk

Another helpful thing to do is to buy food items you regularly use in bulk. Items such as tomatoes and onions and some other vegetables which you would need on almost daily basis are far cheaper when bought in bulk. I had an opportunity to do an exchange program in Finland, and I always ensured that I bought my potatoes, which was the food I completely lived on, in bulk. That proved to be such a great relief to my pocket. Vida Adams explains, ''I buy my foodstuff in bulk so that days that I do not have any money to give to my children, I can still cook a good meal for them.''

The main consideration in drawing a budget is how to get the best for your family without having to spend any money that is not worth it; it is not how to get cheap things since cheap stuff may not necessarily be wholesome. Without any doubt, two great ways for cooking for a large family on a budget are to plan ahead and to buy your regular purchases in bulk.

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